Oh wow - I received a letter about my writing!!!

I am so excited! I got the best email from an Obesity Help member I've never met or talked to! She read a motivational piece I posted on the December 2004 message board and felt compelled to write me! How cool is that??

Below is what I wrote to a woman who was extremely frustrated because she kept falling off the wagon:

I think most of us can relate to what you're feeling. What you wrote reminded me of a motivational piece I wrote for a book I hope to someday publish for those of us who have had Weight Loss Surgery. I wrote it a while back and I just happened to re-read it a few days ago and it helped me regain my focus. Maybe it can help you too. I will share it here:

“Don’t confuse disappointment with disaster.”
Author unknown

Just as we experience many joys as we travel down the road to better health, we also face some disappointments in our weight-loss journey.

Perhaps we overeat and are disappointed in our behavior. Perhaps we get on the scale and are disappointed in our results. Perhaps we can’t get motivated to exercise and we are disappointed in our lack of effort.

To think we will live this new lifestyle without encountering some low points along the way is unrealistic. However, those unrealistic expectations are what caused us to gain the weight in the first place and they will cause many to quit before they reach their ultimate goal.

We know we cannot walk the tightrope without falling off a time or two – yet we still demand that perfection of ourselves. We set ourselves up for failure because it’s an easy way out.
Don’t confuse disappointment with disaster.

Stop thinking every minor setback is a reason to quit. A gain is not a reason to quit. “Just a two-pound loss” this week is not reason to quit. Missing your mini-goal this week by 5 or .5 pounds is not reason to quit. Binging for an hour, a day, a week or a month is not reason to quit.

These reasons are not disasters – but quitting because of these reasons is disastrous. How are you ever going to get healthier and fit by stopping? Following your weight-loss program half-way is better than not at all. And, never forget, you can always, ALWAYS get back on track as quick as you got off of it. Just stop what you are doing and replace negative behaviors with positive ones. Take control of yourself.

When you are faced with disappointment just know that it will all work out in the end if you keep your mind focused and your body moving forward. Success will ultimately come if you just keep pushing. You have to want this more than anything else.

When you are faced with disappointment, you first have to address it. Yes, it is frustrating. Yes, it can be hurtful. Yes, it makes you feel like quitting sometimes. Don’t bottle up your emotions or try to push them to the back of your mind in hopes you are hiding them. Feel them. Explore why you are disappointed. Talk it out with yourself and with anyone else you feel comfortable sharing with.

Once you have brought your disappointment into the light, you will see it is not as intimidating as it was in the dark corners of your mind. You will see you CAN overcome it – it’s not bigger than your desire to succeed. Yes, it is very real but it is not as disastrous as you imagined it to be.

After you have addressed your feelings, then work toward a solution to overcome the disappointment. If you binged, figure out how to avoid another one. What triggered you? If you gained, figure out what might have caused it. If it is an unexplained gain, just strengthen yourself mentally to realize you need non-scale victories to show progress until the scale catches up with your good habits.

Don’t confuse disappointment with disaster.

Be prepared for the bumps in the road and be flexible enough to deal with them. Take time for yourself – feel the disappointment and then move on to bigger and better things. Just remember, the only disaster would be if you gave up on something that holds so much promise of happiness and health for you.

Mental exercise for the day:Identify some past disappointments you’ve had. Did you work through them and come out a better person, or did you throw in the towel and quit? How can you better deal with the disappointments that are sure to come in your weight-loss journey?
Be sure to remember the good when dealing with the bad. Make a list of all the positives you have encountered in your journey. It will help keep it all in perspective.

Have a focused day!

***

Below is the email I received today about what I wrote:

Hi i was so inspired by your message and see that you plan to publish a book one day. I was just wondering if you can put me on your list of being one of your first customers to buy your book. You are very inspirational. I printed your message and put it on my desk to read often. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I can't type too much now because i am at work but i wanted to let you know i want to read your book. Nicole

***
OMG Can you believe that???????

This is what I wrote in return:

Nicole - You absolutely made my DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so very much for your wonderfully sweet email!!!!!

I needed to read this. I get so overwhelmed at the thought of writing my book, though I want to so much. I think I am overwhelmed by the task because I actually have a vision to write two first off - and a few more later. I want to call this collection of books the Butterfly Chronicles.

The first book is for all full-figured women and it's about loving yourself as-is. I don't think you can get to the point where you can truly change if you don't love yourself as-is. You might go through the motions, but you won't accomplish the true transformation until you change how you view yourself and LOVE yourself. I want to call it "Spread Your Wings Butterfly! Finding and Loving You."

The second book complements the first. Its title will be "Fly, Fly Beautiful Butterfly: Daily Thoughts for Those Undergoing Metamorphosis."

The target audiences are primarily pre-op and post-op bariatric patients; however, those who have lost, or are in the process of losing, a significant amount of weight can benefit from most of the writings.

These will be daily motivational writings, much like the one you read on the message board. The focus will be moving past a “fat mentality” to embrace life and live it to the fullest.

With both books, the style of writing will be sassy, sometimes silly, and fun but always poignant and direct. These books will speak the truth in love.

So there you have it. I have the blueprint and some writings. Now I just need to get it into motion and find a publisher.

I have other ideas too - like creating a website and creating the Butterfly Society, which consists of people like you and me who are going through the metamorphoses of change.

Sorry to ramble on. See what happens when you write someone like me! hehe Again, thank you Nicole for your words!

So tell me - where are you in your journey????

Hugs, my beautiful friend!
xoxox
Melissa

***
Ok so now I am so excited! I really, really do feel inspired to write my books. I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. I have an outline for the main book, and I have about 20 or more daily motivational pieces written already. Coming up with topics for 365 days is hard. I have about 250 topics though already.

I just can't break it all down very well in my head. I need a manager. haha Plus, I am not quite sure about how to get my book published. I understand how to freelance articles; getting a publisher is another ballgame.

Regardless...this has inspired me to try and gain some focus. I want to share my writings with more people. I feel God has inspired me to write them because, gosh knows, when I read what write (like above), I cannot believe that came from me.

Ok I will stop now. :-)

8-month photos/-115 pounds!

Post-Op 243: Happy 8-month anniversary to me!

This will be quick, but I just had to post about my eight-month anniversary!! Wow - I cannot believe it's already here!

Well, the scale finally moved back down to where I was before my period! YAY I feel so much better! I am again at 209! This was my past week:

8/22/05: 209.0 (-115) (32.7)
8/23/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/24/05: 211.0 (-113) (33.0) GRRRRRRR My period is messing things up!!!
8/25/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/26/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/27/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/28/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/29/05: 209.0 (-115) (32.7)

That 210.5 sure was stubborn! I hope I won't see that again!

Below is what I posted on my website's opening page:

Eight months – I can’t believe it!! I also can’t believe I am down 115 pounds! Sometimes it seems to crawl by, but man o’ man – then I see the numbers and I know I am doing fantastic!!! I am just 50 pounds away from my goal of 159!! I am loving life! I am able to wear CUTE, normal-size clothes, people are complimenting me endlessly and I just enjoy seeing myself at this new size. God is so very, very good!!!!!

And here's what I wrote on my stats page:

WEEK 35 -August 29 209!! (total loss -115/BMI 32.7)
The weight loss was slow, then sped up, then regressed and then started back up! haha Very topsy-turvy. But that's ok because I see how I am moving forward! I am in the single digits of the 200s - I cannot believe it!!! In these eight short months I have moved through the 320s, 310s, 300s, 290s, 280s, 270s, 260s, 250s, 240s, 230s, 220s and now 210s. YAY for me!!! Isn't that AMAZING!!! This journey just gets better and better. I know I am so blessed. Thank You God for my blessings, and please bless everyone in every phase of this journey.

Post-Op Day 241: Getting back to normal!

Happy Sunday!

I'm still around. I've just been busy doing a lot of nothing. haha I feel like I am in a fog. I am actually very stressed about my upcoming surgery, so I've been trying to chill out this weekend and just enjoy time with my wonderful hubby and sweet Katie.

I have to say that I am so happy that Scott made it back into town! It was sooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome to see him walk through the door of Gringo's Restaurant Thursday night.

It was so awesome because, before Scott could tell the host he was there to meet his wife, he turned around and saw me. His face lit up and he hugged me sooooooo big. I am sure people thought we hadn't seen each other in years! That was the best hug! It felt so great to be in his arms!!

Then, he said the greatest thing to me ever: "You look so beautiful!!"

He told me over dinner that it was wild to be away for a week and then see me. When you're with someone every day, it's hard to see the weight loss like others do. However, being away and then seeing me really blew his mind. He said I look so small. It was so great hearing that!!

This entire week in fact I've been getting compliments in abundance. I think it's because I bought those clothes that fit my form. For instance, on Thursday as I was leaving work to meet Scott, I was standing in the lobby talking to Joanne. When I turned to go, a high-school girl who works as a clerk in the newsroom yelled out, "Oh My God Melissa! I didn't even know that was you!!!! You look incredible!!!"

I was speechless. This girl barely says, "Boo!" I said, "Oh...thank you!"

But she kept going on and on. I was flattered, but I also felt overwhelmed by the attention. Even as I was leaving, I could hear her tell someone, "Did you see Melissa??"

Then on Friday, my team had a goodbye party we had to attend. So, several of us walked into the room and started socializing. But, before I could talk to anyone, a few people were like, "Melissa! You look incredible!!!" Even one of my former employees said, "You're looking good!" I told him, "I always have looked good." hehe

I was standing at a table signing a goodbye banner when another coworker said my name. I turned and she said, "Man your butt is just so small. You look incredible."

I am loving all of the compliments indeed. However, I am having a hard time with the spotlight at times. That's really strange because I am such a show-off and a total ham. I guess I've never had THIS much attention and it is taking some adjustment. Other than that, I feel awesome knowing people can see the benefits of my hard work.

Ok I need to run. Thank You God for the many blessings you've given me. I never want to take them for granted.

P.S. Speaking of blessings...I just had to share this. When Scott got to the house after his trip, he handed me this beautiful rose. He had snipped it while in Nashville and wanted to bring it back to me as a gift. He packed it carefully so it would survive the trip. When he handed it to me, he said: "When I saw it, I had to have it because it was the only thing there that reminded me of Texas and my beautiful wife."
:-) I love that man!

Post-Op day 238: Just touching base

I don't have much time to write, but I wanted to stop in and say hi.

Scott got his flight moved up a day, so he returns TODAY!!! YAYAYAYAYA! I am so excited to see him! I know he can't wait to get back to his own home and own bed. I can tell he's really tired. I just talked to him. It's so exciting knowing I'll get to hug and kiss him today!

Other than that, I am frustrated with my weight again. I've been bloated and on my period all week, so my weight has been freaking out. I know it's because of that because I'm still keeping simple carbs out of my diet and I've exercised. This has been my weight this week:

8/20/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/21/05: 209.5 (-114.5) (32.9)
8/22/05: 209.0 (-115) (32.7)
8/23/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)
8/24/05: 211.0 (-113) (33.0) GRRRRRRR My period is messing things up!!!
8/25/05: 210.5 (-113.5) (33.0)

Hopefully I am coming back down!

I've been wearing my new clothes to lots and lots of compliments. It never fails, every day I hear at least five comments on how tiny, skinny, little, slim I am. :-) I feel like my body has reshaped a little more and I am looking even curvier in the right places. I still have a long way to go with my arms, belly, boobs and thighs, but I will take all I can get now!

Finally, I received an email from a lurker reader. Her name is Erin and OMG she is soooooo gorgeous! :-) She lives in Clear Lake near where I work. We're practically the same age and she too had her surgery in December. We're the same height but she is about 40 pounds less than me. I haven't seen her before pic but her current pics are amazing! I plan to meet her sometime soon.

Ok with all that said, I gotta run. Love to everyone!

xoxox
me

What do you think?

We've already received an invite for a Halloween Party!! It's a rock n' roll theme and everyone has to come dressed like a rock star, groupie, a song or song lyric!

Since I am Kitty, I thought I would go as the song "Cat Scratch Fever." This is the outfit I wanna get. What do you think (I plan to wear the black wig too!)?

Just sharing some pics of me...

I wanted to post these pics of me as a child. The cake one is hysterical because it shows that my love affair with cake began at a very early age! Check out my eyes and smile! Too funny!

Just a quick entry...I LOVE BUYING CLOTHES NOW!

Tonight I went shopping at Cato. I desperately need some clothes that fit.

I whizzed through the store picking up XLs left and right. I just couldn't believe how CUTE the clothes were. I figured that even if a couple fit me, I'd be good to go.

When I got into the dressing room, I couldn't believe: More than 95% of the clothes fit and at least 85-90% looked really, really good! I've never in my life had that happen. Even the past few times I've gone shopping, many things fit but not almost every single one of them.

It was soooooooooo hard to choose what I wanted to buy! I wanted it all! OMG! I had to do some serious deliberations. The worst thing is, I'd go back out onto the sales floor and find more to try on. After three try-on sessions, I said ENOUGH!

I literally had to stand there and pick and choose. Before, when I wore sizes 32, 30, 28, 26, 24, 22 and 20, I would buy anything that fit and looked nice because it was such a struggle to find things that did both.

I kept telling myself - "I don't have to get it all right now. Just get enough to last you until you shrink again. From here on out, there's going to be cute, trendy clothes everywhere. You don't have to worry about it anymore. When you get to your goal size, you can buy lots, lots more. It only gets better from here!"

I just wanted to scream for happiness!! For SO LONG I've had to struggle in the plus-size world to look hip and sexy. Even on the plus side of the Cato store, the plus-size clothes were so BLAH. I mean, there were a few cute things, some in bigger sizes of what was on the misses side, but for the most part - it all just blended together and looked big and bulky.

I know how my heart would have sank if I had to walk in there and shop on the plus side only like I have for years upon years. I always held out hope that eventually the fashions would get better. I'd think, "Maybe this season the designers will get wise and come out with some cute things!" But they never do. Oh, it's gotten better but it's nowhere close to the beautiful and fun offerings that sizes 18 or less are offered. It's sickening.

When I looked through the plus-size clothes there at Cato, it was just a sea of the same ol', same ol' plus size clothes women are dealt with year in, year out. It's pathetic that plus-size woman are given such terrible choices. I would love to design plus-size clothes if I could.

I did grab a blouse on that side of the store that is really, really cute and it was a 14/16. It was so nice to pick it up and put it on with confidence in the dressing room. It's actually a tad too loose, but I love it. I did try on a pair of 16 pants from that side and they were too small. That was the only thing that truly didn't fit. I can handle that! :-)

When I was in the fitting room area, there was a plus-size woman about my age in there. Her hubby was waiting on her. She walked out of her room, glanced at me kinda sadly and stood there for him and asked how it looked. It was just a boring, blah top. You could tell by her lack of enthusiasm and zest that she was just going for something that fit and didn't look too bad. I've been there so many times it's not funny. I wanted to hug her.

Of course he said, "It looks great honey!" She just sorta shrugged and went back to change. I saw them leaving later with a bag, so I guess she bought it. Man, it brought back memories of how, for years, I have felt defeated leaving the fitting room. I would get so upset with myself when I would try on the largest size in Lane Bryant and it barely would fit - or worse, not fit at all.

I couldn't believe how bad things looked on me. I remember thinking that it seemed their sizing was off, and that they were making their clothes a little smaller. Talk about major denial, huh? I think I knew in my heart of hearts that my body was just growing out of control. It just hurt too much to face it.

My body now is by far not perfect. I still see the belly and fat rolls. However, clothes just look better on me now. They're looking more like they should. I still have 50 pounds to go, but losing 115 sure has made a big difference in my options.

And, the thing is, clothes are SO MUCH CHEAPER now. I bought five complete outfits, two necklaces and two pairs of earrings for just under $200. The most expensive item? The plus-size top that cost $2 more for the "extra material." UGH it pisses me off that plus-size people have to pay more!!

Each one of the other items was $19.99 or less! I bought several skirts under $15. It's just unreal!

Anyway, I just had to share all of this. I know that when I was a pre-op or new post-op, I would read people's journal about finally fitting into regular clothes and it would give me such hope. Now that it's my turn, I never want to take it for granted and I want to give other people hope as well. I appreciate this blessing SO much. Thank You God!!!!!

Post-Op Day 236: Good morning!

Just wanted to quickly write and say that I made good on my promise to get up and walk this morning! Man, when the alarm went off, I wanted to keep on sleeping. But, I made my big butt get outta bed.

I had good news on the scale again this morning - I was down another .5! So, here I am at 209! Yay!!! I am sooooooooo close to Onederland that I can't stand it!!! I'm also the kind of person who peeks at Christmas presents if given the chance. I unfortunately have no patience.

Speaking of which...I sure can't wait until Scott gets home. I miss him terribly. He's been taking a class this whole time while there in Nashville. Today is his test for a certification. I am sending him all my positive energy and brain cells. :-) After the test, he's there for a trade show. I think he'll have a much better time doing that.

With him gone, the bed is so lonely, the house is so quiet and I have to do my own laundry. hahah I say that because I told him it didn't feel like a Sunday without him, and he said that was because he wasn't here doing our laundry. He's such a brat, but man I love him!

I wish I could go back to bed right now. I am so tired. I had a major adrenaline rush while walking. Out of the shadows, a dog started barking at us. I'm use to it, but when we walked directly in front of the area, I saw the dog wasn't behind a fence - it was standing right there.

I just kept walking and tried to ignore it, but then it came forward and so did another dog. They started barking frantically and running toward us. I was terrified, but I wasn't going to let them hurt Katie. I was prepared to start kicking them but I just screamed extremely loud "GO AWAY" because I've heard that dogs hate loud noises. God was indeed protecting us because that worked and they ran off.

What made this especially scary for me is that when I was a kid, I was attacked by a dog and it tore into the side of my face. I had to have stitches. I'm not afraid of dogs, but I didn't realize how much I feared being attacked again until that happened. I was terrified! The clip art below shows what it was like from our perspective....


After we walked at a furious pace for 5 minutes to get away from that area, my chest hurt like there was pressure on it. I slowed up and it finally went away. I think I was having a panic attack. I feel ok now - just extremely fatigued. Usually I feel really good after my walk. Ugh!

ok...I need to get my shower. I hope the attacking dogs don't represent how this day is going to be. haha ;-)

God bless all of us on this amazing journey to a new life!

Post-Op Day 235: Catching up (which is the story of my life!)

Here I am! I know I've been silent for a few days. So, I definitely need to catch up. I will start by updating my weight...



I actually hit 209.5 today! Woo hoo! But, the ticker program doesn't let me put in half-pounds. So, I just inputted 210.

It was so awesome to see 209.5 on the scale. I'm finally in the single digits of the 200s!!!!! I cannot WAIT to be in Onederland! To me, that will be the biggest accomplishment thus far in my whole journey. Hitting 100 pounds gone was awesome - don't get me wrong. But to leave the 200s and be in the 100s for the first time since I was 18 or so - OMG!!!

When I enter the 100s, I think I will view myself differently for some reason. Being in the 200s and 300s (and higher) is a real stigma - especially for women. I've talked to enough overweight people and read enough journals to know that it's not just me that feels that way. For many of us, hitting 200 was when we felt like we were really out of control. And then it just continues on....

So how will I view myself? I don't know exactly. Maybe I will feel more hope that I just might get to a normal weight after all. Maybe I will feel more in control. Maybe I will feel liberated? Or maybe it won't be as big of a deal as I am imagining. I don't know, but I cannot wait to get there to find out!!

My loss has slowed down the past couple of days, but I can probably attribute that to the fact that Katie and I haven't been doing our 1-plus mile walk every morning. Since Scott left for his trip, I feel out of sorts. The days are meshed together. As for the walking, I am use to him waking us up every morning at 5:30 to say goodbye. With him gone, the alarm goes off and I just want to lay in bed. By 6:15, it's too late to walk and it's already too hot.

Enough with the explanation/excuse though. We will get more rest tonight and be up bright and early tomorrow for our walk! I actually do miss pushing my body like that!

My eating schedule has been a little skewed too, but I am doing a good job still of limiting my simple carbs. I have been drinking alcohol more than usual, as I have gone out several nights in a row. Though, last night, I didn't feel like drinking so I drank water in abundance. I did dance a lot and man my thighs are aching! That's a great thing though!

I've probably not eaten enough this weekend. Today I am getting back on track and it feels really good. I am not too far off track at all, but I want to tighten things up because I've enjoyed the returned weight loss over the past week and a half.

Guess my weight
I've been on a roll lately asking people how much they think I weigh now.

It started when I was told the other day that I looked like I weigh 170. Then, at my work support group, I mentioned to the gang that I am at 210 now. They all stopped me right there and told me that I don't look that weight at all - that I look smaller than the number indicates. It kinda shocked me, because I feel like I have "200+" written on my forehead.

I started wondering, "What weight DO people think I weigh??"

So I asked Scott's co-worker Chris, who I met for happy hour this week. He's the one that goes on and on about my weight loss. Anyway, he guessed me at 200. I didn't know that Scott had already told him my starting weight, so he had a point of reference to guess by. Even hearing him say 200 was music to my ears!

Friday at work, I asked my friend Joanne to guess. She didn't want to. She weighs under 130, so she has no frame of reference really of what it is like to be so big. She finally did guess though, and it was flattering. She said 160. I told her to stop being nice. haha

When I told her 210, she was floored. She was even more floored when I told her my starting weight was 324. Joanne said she would have never ever guessed me to be in the high 200s, let alone 300s. So, that was wild to hear. She and I are brutally honest with one another, so I know she was being up front about all that.

Friday night when I went dancing, I asked my friend Mark what he thought I weighed. I think he said 180 or 170. He said I definitely don't look like I am in the 200s now. So I went up to my friend Norma, who is full-figured. She guessed 135, bless her soul. She was talking with a guy who is a personal trainer. I asked him - and told him don't be nice. Just say it like it is. He studied me for a while and finally said 155-160.

When I told them 210, they were like GET OUTTA HERE! I am like - no seriously!

Last night, my friend Rhonda and her hubby John were there. John hadn't seen me in a while and said, "OMG Kitty, you've lost some weight!"

I told him all about my surgery. Both of them weigh over 300. She wants to have it, but he said he didn't want her to. So, I talked him through a lot of the myths. He kept going on and on about how incredible I look. I then told him to guess my weight. He said something like 130-140. When I told him, he was floored as well. All night long, he kept walking by me going, "There is no damn way you weigh over 200 pounds!"

Both he and Rhonda were shocked about my starting weight. We've known each other for a long time - Rhonda and I even tried Weight Watchers for a few weeks together. So, it made me feel good knowing that at my highest, I didn't look that heavy.

So why did I ask all these people? It's not because I am vain. It's because I truly have no real concept of how I look in comparison with the rest of the world. I just wanted to know how people are seeing me because I've been assuming all along that they're thinking I look about 250 or so.

When you live your life a proud Big Beautiful Woman for so long, you get use to knowing and ACCEPTING your size - which is bigger than most. Now, I still feel that way, but this helped me to really see that I am blending in more than I ever have. The weights people quoted are "normal" people weights for the most part - something I have no real frame of reference with.

When Mark and I were talking about my weight, he said that he and I now weigh the same. He's a lot taller than me and he's a bean pole. I am so use to weighing more than men, that it kind of freaked me out to think that I will soon weigh less than him. I also weigh less than Chris. He said he weighs 220 or so. I cannot wait until I weigh less than my husband! I can wear his shirts - but to physically weigh less than him will be a mind trip! I still have a good 20 or so pounds before that happens.

One last thing: As Mark and I talked, he pointed out a woman on the dance floor who just looked average size to me. He said, "You may be just a tad bigger than her - but for the most part, you are the same size." I was like: WHAT?!

I looked at her and couldn't believe it. She just seemed like a "normal" person - not too fat and not too thin. She looked great. She is someone I would have looked at when I was pre-op and I would think, "I would give anything to be that size."

Later that night, I looked at myself in the mirror as I was dancing. I could see what he meant. I did just blend in with the people around me. I'm not skinny, but I am no longer one of the biggest there. I am just happily in the middle.

You know, I've seen myself in that mirror so many times for several years now. It's weird to see a smaller me dancing in that reflection. I feel so happy and blessed. Thank You God!

Two non-scale victories
In the beginning of this journey, I had so many non-scale victories that I listed them. These days, I don't get as many. So, when I do, I like to mention them. I have two to share...

1. I can wrap our big bath towel all the around me and it doesn't gap open at the bottom. Granted, the towels are big, but I haven't been able to do this until now. I was trying on a regular basis, but I had forgot to do so for a while. So, when I tried it this week and it finally fit, I was thrilled!!

2. I received a Spiegel catalog in the mail the other day. Before, I would flip through the pages and get frustrated because I couldn't fit into the clothes I wanted. Sure, they offer plus-sizes in some clothing, but it never failed that the really cool and flashy stuff was not plus-size.

This time, I instinctively felt that same frustration growing as I flipped through - as the clothes are especially awesome this time. I looked at the sizes and saw that all go up to size 18. It then hit me - I can wear any one of these outfits from Spiegel if I wanted to!!! Sure, they all might not look great on my shape; but, my point is, the sizes will fit regardless, as I am a 16 easily in most clothes! I couldn't believe it!

It really hit me that, when I hit goal weight and settle there, I am finally going to be able to invest in one kick-ass wardrobe!!! I will be able to dress like the real me wants to dress. Before, I was basically limited to how Lane Bryant/The Avenue/Fashion Bug/Catherine's/Walmart wanted me to dress. At goal, I will be able to wear whatever outfit I like from whatever store - and there are thousands of stores out there - not just 10 or less that truly cater to plus-sizes.

It is so tempting to drop several hundred dollars and buy a new wardrobe from Spiegel now just because I can. My poor wardrobe at the moment is so limited. I am wearing the same five or so outfits each week. I just can't invest in clothes now obviously because I hope to at least get down to a size 12/14 at least by the time I am done losing weight.

It just keeps getting better and better!!

64% less
I figured out this week that I have lost 64% of my excess weight! When I started this journey, I told myself that if I could lose 65%, I would consider this a success. Well, I am here already and I still have 10 more months or so to lose some more with this tool. Yay!

Right now, with where my current weight is, I am on track to lose about 86% of my excess weight - putting me at a weight of 170 after 18 months. That's definitely something I could live with!! Sure, I my goal is 159 and I will work to get there. However, even if all is said and done and I am at 170 and no less, I will be thrilled beyond words!

If you want to chart your progress or, if you haven't had the surgery but would like to see what kind of weight you could lose with gastric bypass, please visit: http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/postopplanner.phtml

***
Ok I am done now. I've been writing on this off and on for three hours. It's time to get it uploaded. God bless all of us on this journey. :-)

P.S. Diana: I tried harder to keep the typos to a minimum, but I am sure I left a few for you to find. I always gotta make sure you're reading! ;-) Love ya, my favorite twin!

Powerful words for those who choose to do nothing about their excess weight

I just ran across this poem on an Obesity Help profile. It really hit me between the eyes - it's just that powerful.

If you want to do something about your weight but resist really tackling it for whatever reason, I hope this helps push you into action. You are SO WORTH it. The freedom from morbid obesity feels better than I ever imagined. Love yourself enough to stop making excuses.

***

Somebody died today of DENIAL
Because they would not see that their weight was out of control.

Somebody died today of EMBARRASSMENT
Because they did not want to be weighed at the doctor’s office.

Somebody died today of SHAME
Because they believed they lacked willpower.

Somebody died today of LONELINESS
Because they could not reach out and ask for help.

Somebody died today of FEAR
Because they thought they could never live without their favorite foods.

Somebody died today of GUILT
Because they felt they disappointed their loved ones.

Somebody died today of REGRET
Because they did not live a full and active life.

Somebody died today of DESPAIR
Because they thought there was no hope.

Somebody died today of OBESITY.
Pray for them. Pray for us.

Post-Op Day 231: Hump Day

Hello there...

This will be brief, as I have to get ready for work.

Well, Scott's gone and won't be back for 10 days. :-( Early this morning, he woke Katie and I up, gave us our kisses, put his stuffed suitcase in the Explorer and drove off. He has to work until about 11, then he's going to lunch and will then heading to the airport. His flight leaves around 2:30. He will call when he makes it to Nashville.

The house already feels empty without him. :-(

I am just going to chill during these coming days. I've already got a few things to do - and I plan to do some extensive cleaning. I want the place to look great when he gets back.

Yesterday I was down another pound, which puts my loss at -113. Today I stayed the same. I worked out on the bowflex yesterday, so that might have something to do with it. Generally when I don't lose for a day or two, my inches catch up with my loss. So, here's hoping that's what is going on! :-)

I cannot believe I am at 211!! I was told yesterday that I look like I weigh about 170! Gosh I wish!! I would be 11 pounds from my 159 goal! haha

When I had my surgery, Scott weighed 211. He has since lost about 25 pounds. I've never been anywhere close to any of Scott's weights, so I was thrilled when it hit me I am at his starting weight!

In other news, I am extremely stressed right now. Some happenings at work have me so stressed it's almost unbearable. I hate that too because all was going incredibly well for so long. I think anyone who reads my writings knows how much I love my job, my place of employment and, most of all, my incredible team. It's amazing how a few bad things can really mess things up. :-(

I am going to keep taking care of myself and not use this stress as an excuse to treat myself poorly by not exercising and eating inappropriately. This week, Katie and I have started walking our longest distance yet in the morning. I enjoy my 5:45 a.m. long walks in the darkness with her. I am able to sort my thoughts, work out some tension and talk to God. In the stillness of the early morning, I know everything is as it should be.

OH!!! On Monday, we received good news! After taking Katie back to the vet, I learned her second glaucoma results were normal!!! yayay! I had to take her back to the original vet because the ones around here don't even do that screening. They want to retest her again next week. Still, I will take any positive news I can get! Thank You God for that blessing!!

And, speaking of medical stuff, I finally have a surgery date to remove the tumor in my parotid (saliva) gland. It will be on Friday, Sept. 2, at 9:30 a.m. I am trying to not even think about it. I am very scared about it. The thought of having intense work done on my facial nerves is almost too scary to think about. So, I won't right now.

Other than all that, nothing else is going on. I just feel mentally exhausted. lol

I need to shower and go to work. This is one of a handful of times that I really just don't want to go. That's not like me. I generally love going in, seeing everyone and doing a great job. Now, I feel demotivated. :-(

I know when I see my team though, everything will be just right. :-) I can count on them to make the day special every day!

Thank you God for my life and help me to see beyond the immediate. Bless everyone on this journey.

Post-Op Day 229: Quick update!

I lost another half pound!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

I just wanted to post my progress since last Tuesday. It's been the most movement that I've had in a long, long time and I am SO THANKFUL for it!!!

8/9/05: 219.0 (-105) (BMI 34.3)
8/10/05: 216.5 (-107.5) (BMI 34.0)
8/11/05: 214.0 (-110) (BMI 33.5)
8/12/05: 213.5 (-110.5) (BMI 33.5)
8/13/05: 213.0 (-111) (BMI 33.4)
8/14/05: 212.5 (-111.5) (BMI 33.4)
8/15/05: 212.0 (-112) (BMI 33.2)


OCTOBER 31 GOAL: 199 pounds
DECEMBER 29 GOAL: 174 pounds
JUNE 29 GOAL: 159 pounds

Post-Op Day 228: Winding down the weekend

Hello there...I just wanted to write a little before this Sunday is over. This has been a nice, leisurely paced weekend. I needed it.

Last night
Last night was wonderful. I soaked in the tub for a while - reading some great motivational material by Dr. Annette Colby. Her focus is on overcoming eating disorders - especially binge eating. I am on her mailing list and I really love her writings - they truly inspire me. To read for yourself, please go to http://www.lovingmiracles.com/healing_articles.htm

As I bathed, Scott showered. When he got out, he said that since we were all cleaned up, we should go out to eat - like Texas Land and Cattle. Faithful readers will remember me writing about how that's my favorite restaurant and what a victory it was to return there. (See May 1- post-op day 123 in my archives)

Anyway, I of course jumped at the chance to go to TXLC! We had a wonderful time there together. I love spending time with Scott and I am going to miss him SO MUCH when he is out of town this week and next!!

I ate abundantly but not out of control. I really chowed down on the shrimp and avocado salsa. The shrimp in are so big and good! mmmm I did eat it with a few tortillas. I also ate my tortillas soup that had chopped chicken and cheese in it.

By the time my smoked sirloin steak and mashed potatoes were brought out, my little pouch was full! haha I ate maybe an ounce and a half of steak and a few bites of potatoes. I was done. I purposely bought a lot of steak (14 oz) so that I could eat on it today - and I have! :-)

On the way home, Scott wanted to stop at my old favorite ice cream place - Cold Stone. mmmmmmmm I told him he was cruel. haha He did come out with a no-sugar added concoction that was pretty good. I had a few bites of it and was done for the night.

This morning I figured my weight would be holding steady or up a pound from my feast. However, much to my pleasure, I was down another .5! My total now is -111.5. YAYA! I figure tomorrow it will be stalled since I've put away the steak today. However, I am ok with that. The meat is very lean and I love giving myself these shots of mega protein when I can.

Lazy Sunday
This morning Scott got up at his normal time (4 a.m. - ugh!). I slept until 6 or so. haha It's a bitch when you can't sleep past your normal wakeup time, you know?

Anyway, I got up, took Katie on a short walk (the sun was up and it was already hot) and then I got my butt in gear and went to the grocery store. I wanted to stock up on healthy food - especially since Scott will be out of town. I don't want to give myself any more reasons to pick up fast food.

The rest of the day I spent going through lots of word documents and organizing my computer. I found a lot of my writings. They've stood the test of time and are very relevant to this journey. They will serve me well when I begin to put my book together.

Other than that, Scott and I watched a little TV and took a long nap. I didn't get up until after 8, so now my sleep schedule is messed up. haha

Praying for good news
There's one serious thing I want to touch on. Yesterday when I was waiting for the groomer/vet to call and tell me it was time to pick up Katie, a person from the vet side of the house called to talk to me. He said she was ready, but he also wanted to ensure that we had clear communication on something.

While Katie's EKG came out fine, her routine glaucoma test wasn't good. Before we take further action, he wanted her to be tested again. He said that the stress she was under (the drive there, getting groomed, getting a shot, having an EKG and having a glaucoma test) could skew the results. He would like to get her in there when she doesn't have to go through all that and retest her.

Tomorrow I plan to call an animal clinic that is 5 minutes away (as opposed to the 30 minutes I drive to take her there) and have them run the test. I know the 30 minutes in the truck gets her really worked up and stressed too. This other animal clinic can share the results with our vet.

To say that this hasn't really upset me would be a lie. I read about glaucoma in dogs and it isn't good. The dog eventually goes blind and can be in a lot of pain. If the blind eyes cause too much pain, it is recommended that the dog's eyes be removed.

Just reading all that horrified me of course. Katie has the most beautiful, alert and expressive eyes. She's constantly looking and scanning and enjoying her vision. It would be devastating for her to go blind...and worse.

So, I am just praying that it was stress that caused the test to be negative. God, please bless Katie and her eyesight.

***

ok that's it for now. I am going to relax a little more before going to bed.

Me

Post-Op Day 227: Enjoying my Saturday...

Hello there!

I am just sitting here doing absolutely nothing. haha Scott is working on some posters for two upcoming shows he's producing, so I am just surfing the web and doing a whole lotta nuttin'.

We were up this morning at about 6 a.m. Katie had to be at the groomers around 8:30 - and it takes us 30 minutes to get there. So, she and I took a small walk and then I got ready to go.

She of course was nervous and upset when we left her. But, it's for the best. She looked like a wooly mammoth. haha I know when that hair comes off, she's going to feel so much better when we're out walking. For the past week, she's seemed overly hot on our long walks. She loves going on them, but she needs to be cooler in this horrible Houston August humidity and heat.

Once we dropped her off, we went looking for a place to get some breakfast. We drove around Kemah and looked at the beautiful Gulf of Mexico. It truly is beautiful in this part of Texas. We drove by NASA Johnson Space Center too. Then we ended up going to a Denny's.

I wound up getting scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, ham and a side of hash browns. I ate maybe four small bites of hash browns, 1 1/2 pieces of bacon, a few bites of egg and a few bites of ham. Scott said it looked like I had barely touched my food but I felt full. I was thrilled to know my pouch does fill up quickly still. :-)

We sat there and enjoyed our time together, then we left to go to Lewis Jewelers (www.lewisjewelersofhouston.com). We love this jewelry store because of their selection and great sales staff. This is where purchased my A. Jaffe (www.ajaffe.com) engagement and wedding band, as well as my Orbis ring (www.orbisjewelry.com). Below is a pic of my engagement ring...

Anyway, we were there today to get Scott a ring he's been wanting for a while. It's a John Hardy piece that is really nice. It's sterling silver with the most beautiful detail work INSIDE the ring. The outside is nice and understated. I am so glad he finally purchased it. It should arrive in four weeks.

While at the jewelers, I had them put a ring spacer on my engagement ring because it had finally become too big. It's this little metal piece fitted into the back of my ring. It now fits much better. Unfortunately, the spacer is too big for my wedding band and it still spins on my hand. I might have to stop wearing it for a while until I stop losing weight. Then, when I settle into a size, I can have both rings resized. :-)

After we left there, we came home. Since then, I have felt sleepy and lazy. haha

I've been battling the hungries today big time - even though I had my carnation with Mootopia this morning and a varied high-protein/low-carb breakfast. Since coming home, I've had a One Way Protein bar. That helped curb some hunger.

Again, the continued weight loss helps keep me focused. This morning I was down another 1/2 pound - which puts my grand total loss at 111! YAYA!! I am at 213. Gosh - I am getting sooooo close to Onderland - I can see it on the horizon!

My goal has been to reach 199 by Halloween. So I've got two months to get off 14 pounds. I sure hope this weight keeps coming off. Again, all this motivates me not to overeat or get back into the simple-carb trap again.

I think I am going to go nap some before Katie is ready to be picked up. I cannot WAIT to see her. I just love that little girl more than words can say! She adds so much happiness and laughter and love to my life.

Thank You God for this relaxing day and all the good things you add to my life. Please bless everyone on this journey!

My Progress....

Updated to reflect today's loss. :-)

Odds and Ends: Hair loss, observations and shallow people

I thought I would just write a post about some things floating around in my mind...

Hair update
I've been meaning to write an update regarding my hair loss. I am happy to report that it significantly slowed down about a month ago I would say. Two weeks ago when I went to see my hairdresser, she could see little hairs growing back and she said the texture of my hair felt better.

When I wash my hair in the mornings, I have a LOT less hairs coming out into my hands. I might have anywhere between 1 to 3 hairs come out now compared to 20-30. When I brush my wet hair, there's a couple of strands stuck to my comb. Again, before it would be a glob.

While I could tell it was significantly thinning out in the midst of things, my friends have commented they couldn't tell a difference. So, I don't know.

I am eager to get my hair grown back out. I at least want it back shoulder length. I am sure it will be at that point in about six or so months. It seems to be growing at a nice speed.

I have to say that I am soooooooo relieved that the bulk of hair loss is over (I hope!). That was a really horrible feeling. My poor hair is already so thin and baby fine - I was truly worried. I know, I'm so vain. haha

Interesting observations
Since my weight loss has slowed down over the past two months, the dramatic changes have slowed down too. However, I've made two interesting observations about how much I've changed.

First, my shadow looks different. haha Before, my shadow looked like a blob. Now, I see my definition - especially my breasts and tummy. My shadow looks much more slimmer - no more blob. I think that's really neat!

The other observation I made had me perplexed for a while. As I've written before, I soak in the tub almost every night as I read and listen to classical, jazz or meditation music.

Well, lately it seems that it sure takes forever for the tub to fill up. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with our water pressure - even though it seemed to be coming out fine.

It finally hit me that there is less mass on my body; thus, it takes more water to fill the tub! haha When I was bigger, it didn't take a lot at all. Now, it takes a good 3-5 minutes to fill the tub up with me in it. Ok I know that's a bizarre observation, but it's a pretty exciting one if you ask me! :-)

It finally happened...
When I use to contemplate losing weight, I would get this angry/defensive feeling inside of me. It would piss me off to no end thinking of how shallow people might be when seeing me with less weight.

I always felt that I was sexy and attractive at my highest weight. As I say, Sexy Comes in All Sizes. The thought of someone paying attention to me once I got some weight off just really irked me a lot.

Luckily, up until yesterday, I hadn't encountered that feeling. I've gotten lots and lots of compliments in the past 7 months. But they've never been insulting. They've been from people who loved me as-is; people who are just happy for me and proud of my dedication and success. Often they have said something along the lines of, "You were great to begin with and you just keep getting better."

I thought I had gotten over that inner defensiveness since I've been able to handle compliments from people. But, apparently I haven't.

There is a man who is a manager at work. He's known to be quite an asshole and he comes off as arrogant. I know in the past he was quite heavy himself. After working out and changing his eating apparently, he has lost a lot of weight. He is nice looking and appears to be in shape. It's just his attitude that repels women.

Well, this guy and I don't have to interact. So, I was ok with the fact that he didn't seem to ever notice me. He's just like that.

Yesterday, I won an award and had to get up in front of a lot of people to accept it. He was in the audience. Afterwards, we had another meeting. When I walked into the building, he was standing there talking to my friend Mark. Since this guy never acknowledges me, I just walked by and said hi to Mark and ignored the other guy.

After that meeting, Mark came up to me and said, "Sorry if we seemed kinda weird there when you walked up." I told him that I hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary.

He then said that he and that guy had been talking about me. He said that guy was like, "Wow Melissa has lost a lot of weight. How much has she lost?"

Mark told him he thought it was right at 100 pounds. This guy then said something like, "Man, it's made a big difference. She looks incredible." Then Mark said, "The bottom line is that he thinks you are incredibly gorgeous and really hot now."

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How shallow is THAT????????????? I guess of all people I would expect more from, it would be from someone who has lost a lot of weight. I am sure he didn't appreciate hearing he wasn't worth noticing before but now that he is thinner, he is all that. Or maybe he did. Maybe he had no self-esteem before. Who knows?

For some reason, this really offended me. I know I need to take the chip off my shoulder. But, it's hard to do so.

***

Ok that's it for now. I've gotta get ready for work. TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post-Op Day 226: Here I am!

Sorry I've been absent all week. It's been a wild one.

I am so happy to say that Discovery is home and the mission was an overwhelming success!! My nerves are completely shot though. Man, talk about a tense two weeks!

Monday morning I was at work around 1 a.m. for the landing that didn't happen. So, I had to turn right around and be in Tuesday morning super early too. I did some work from home starting at 2 a.m. and came to work at 4 a.m. I was doing writing/editing support for the www.nasa.gov website for landing.

Taking control
Throughout the whole mission, I was feeling very out of control of my eating. It's not that I was overeating at meals - my portions were still fairly small. Instead, it was the frequency in which I was eating. I found myself grazing a lot - especially on simple carbs.

I had this constant inner feeling of disarray and chaos - it reminded me of how I felt pre-op. It felt as if I couldn't get my focus or my arms around my head hunger. The frustration from it was overwhelming. I think I've been gradually feeling this way since the end of June, but it really hit me during mission.

So, I decided I needed to take control again of my life and use my tool to the best of its abilities. Therefore, on Wednesday, I cut down my food intake significantly. I am still eating enough (three meals and two small snacks). I have just worked to eliminate a lot of mindless grazing - no more "A small handful of this, and little handful of that."

Also on Wednesday, I started writing down everything I put into my mouth. That helped a lot. The self-accountability is great. To add even more accountability, Deandra and I are going to start swapping our daily meal logs so we can show what we put into our mouths.

With all this said, I am happy to report that I'm already reaping the benefits of my efforts in a great way!!

On Tuesday, my weigh-in was 219 - two pounds higher than I had been. Wednesday it was 216.5! I was excited about that alone - but it gets even better. Yesterday I weighed in at 214.5 and this morning I was 213.5!!!! Yay! So my total loss is 110.5 pounds!!! GO ME! It was so exciting to see 213.5 on the scale!

I feel so much better and in control again! I don't feel as defeated. I find that I am not as hungry physically as I thought I would be. Most of it was definitely head hunger and stress eating. Sure, I am struggling inside some with the desire to graze; but, I am finding the success on the scale is such a good deterrent! hehe

Putting things into perspective
Earlier in the week, Toni and I were talking about our weigh-ins via e-mail. I shared the following thoughts with her and I want to share them here too:

When I first stepped on the scale it goes all over the place. It jumped up to 280 for a split second. I gasped to see that number again and realized how damn nice it is to see 219, 217 or 216.5 on the scale.

Sometimes you get so focused on losing weight you forget where you came from. I remember when I started, the thought of seeing 280 was a blessing! Now, seeing the small numbers reminds me I have come soooooooooooooooooo far and I need to appreciate that. Maybe that's the lesson God's teaching me right now - to stop and enjoy what I have, you know?

THANK YOU GOD for teaching me valuable lessons and for helping guide my path to success.

Post-Op Day 220: Ahhh it's Saturday!

I am soooooooooo glad it's the weekend! It was just a very intense and long week - I am so glad I can be a little lazy today!

Scott's not feeling well, so next Saturday is when we will take Katie to the groomers and buy his ring. I don't even know if he or I will go out tonight. It's all up in the air at this point.

The results on the new outfit...
Well, the outfit from yesterday was an overwhelming hit! I don't think I've ever gotten so many compliments in one day. I kept hearing "WOW!" "Oh my God!" "Man, you can really see how much you've lost" "Skinny Minnie" "You look fabulous!" "I cannot believe how much you've changed in such a short period of time!" "Look how little your waist is!" and so on and so forth.

Because the outfit actually fit my form, I felt pretty self-conscious all day. Me - who likes to show off totally - was self-conscious. So strange. I guess it felt strange knowing people were looking very closely at my body. I felt like they could see all the lumps, stretch marks, cellulite and sags. haha However, the reality is, in clothes, I don't look nearly that bad.

I was thrilled though that the outfit was a hit, so please don't get me wrong. Since I've been on such a long plateau and the weight is no longer dropping off, my body hasn't been changing much. That means the compliments had tapered off. I still get people saying I look great or whatever - but I haven't been hearing the "Wow you change every week" comments.

Wearing that outfit, I think it showed people that I have lost more inches but my clothes hide it a lot. I dunno...I am not going to analyze it. I am just going to enjoy it! :-)

Binge
At this moment, I'm on a little carb binge. I just ate about a cup of Captain Crunch with crunch berries. Before that, I ate several handfuls of Goldfish crackers. This is the first time that I've done anything like that. Weird, I know. I am done with the binge now. Before, it would have started a binge that would last the whole day. haha

I haven't been all bad today. I did get up this morning and Katie and I took a fairly long walk. It was already getting hot, so I decided to cut it short. She was panting pretty badly.

I came home and didn't drink my Carnation Instant Breakfast (low-carb) and Mootopia. I just drank water. I think that was my mistake. I left myself vulnerable to the 'hungries' and the carb craving took over. lol Oh well...I am not perfect and neither is my journey. I will just move forward from here. :-)

I'm back!
Bet you didn't even know I was gone. ;-)

After writing the above, I decided to drag out my Balance Ball, inflate it and do some stretches on it. Then I did a yoga tape and half of a Winsor Pilates tape. I feel much better to get some stretching and exercising done.

Afterwards, I felt hungry. I realized that pretty much everything I have is filled with carbs. ugh.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for taking charge and digging out the exercise stuff. I also want to develop a new Bowflex routine so I can work my legs more. That would involve learning how to hook up the leg attachment. Doing that would involve reorganizing my office, which is where the Bowflex is located. I will tackle all that tomorrow. I am feeling very sleepy right now.

***
Ok well that's about it for now. I am just going to enjoy my weekend. I have to be at work by 1:30 a.m. Monday for the landing of Discovery. So, tomorrow I will need to go to bed early. But, it will be nice to come home by 10 a.m. on Monday, you know?

Have a great weekend!

Post-Op Day 219: Happy Friday!

I am so glad it's Friday! Since I had to work Saturday and Sunday, I feel like I didn't get a weekend - even though I only worked a few hours on those days. Plus, my schedule has been kinda weird this week (I got to work in the 4 a.m. hour on Wednesday).

The Return to Flight mission has been stressful, and I just cannot wait for the crew to arrive safely back to Earth. They are scheduled to land at around 2 a.m. CT Monday. I will be up at work then too. The next day, the crew arrives at Ellington Air Field for a big welcome home ceremony. My team will be working that too - and gladly!

Welcome home events for the astronauts are always fun, but this one is special beyond belief. We had a welcome home event planned for the Columbia crew. It felt so horrible to have that event never happen. Such a void. I know seeing the Discovery crew will heal many wounds.

So what's going on? Nothing more than getting through this mission really. Last night I met Scott and his coworker Chris again for happy hour. Chris does wonders for my ego. haha He was going on and on again about how I've changed. He said I am the best Before and After he's seen. haha He must not have seen many then. ;-)

I told him I am not close to being an After yet. He said I am fine just the way I am. I thought that was nice.

Of course the one who does the most wonders for my ego is my own husband. I love how Scott shares with his friends and coworkers my successes. He's always been one to brag on me (and I do the same about him). I love that he's proud of me and wants to talk about me. He was that way at my highest weight, and he continues to boost my self-confidence. He probably doesn't even know how good that makes me feel, but it really, really does. I just love that man so much!

Toni update
Toni returned to work yesterday. She looked fabulous! Her body tolerated the pain of the surgery a lot more than mine did. haha I am so proud of her for going through with it. It's a big step - but one she will be so grateful for. I cannot wait to see her transform! Yay for Toni!

Diana
My gastric bypass twin Diana has now lost 150 total pounds! WOW! She is rockin' and rollin'! I am so proud of her. She sent me photos of her wearing my clothes I had given her. OMG she looks great in them! It's freaky seeing someone wear your clothes - and they look better than you in them. hehehe Diana really inspires me. I just love that girl. I am so glad our paths have crossed.

Exercise
I've really stepped up my exercising this week. I've been walking longer distances than before. I wear a pedometer too. Yesterday it counted 8260 steps. Yay for me! I have a more expensive pedometer that measures more. I think I am going to start using it because it is set to my stride. The one I've been using is basic and you can't input data to personalize it for you.

I Bowflexed yesterday. I plan to learn how to hook up the leg attachments this weekend. I am focusing a lot on upper body and my poor jelly thighs need some work! I really want to start toning my body as much as possible.

Clothing
I received a HUGE box full of clothes yesterday. I was the winning bidder on e-bay. The ad said they would fit a size 16 (which I am comfortably now) - but these don't fit. Well, most don't. That's ok because they are awesome clothes that motivate me to keep plugging away so I can wear them. When I get down a size or two, I am going to have an amazing wardrobe! It's very motivational! (Of course, Scott liked how tight some of the things fit me and he wants me to wear them now haha He's so fun!!!)

Today I am going to wear a new outfit - size 16 - that fits my curves well I think. It's probably the most form-fitting thing I've worn since the surgery. I hope people don't think it looks too tight or makes me look bad. Wait a minute - who cares what people think, right? ;-)

I saw it when I window shopped and it stuck in my mind. Then, last week, I bought it. It's sat in my closet with me debating on whether I should keep it or not. Then I thought, "What the hell? This is the first outfit that really showcases how far I've come. It's professional, stylish and represent my victory."

So, today's the day I wear it. Wish me luck!

The weekend
I am debating on whether or not I want to go out tonight. Tomorrow night Scott is going to go see and band and meet me up at our new hangout. That should be fun. During the day, Katie is going to get groomed. She looks like a wooly mammoth. haha We're also going to buy Scott a ring he's been wanting for a long time. That's exciting! I also need to clean up the house in this time. That's not exciting!

Thank you God for these wonderful days you've given me. Please bless everyone in every phase of this journey.

xoxox

Post-Op Day 216: The In-Between

One of my most favorite books in the world is "The Language of Letting Go" by Melodie Beattie. It's a daily motivational book on how to manage co-dependency. Many people are co-dependent and don't even know it.

For me, this book helped transform me. I now work really hard to own my own power and to let go of that which I cannot control. It's a daily process but it's one I believe in.

Today's message is my absolute favorite. It's helped me through so much in my life - from leaving my first husband to waiting to move down here from Indiana to last year when I didn't know if I would have a job after our contract change. In the end, God provided in ways better than I could ever imagine.

Anyway, this entry now applies to my weight-loss journey. It's so hard to be in the in-between. You feel like you'll never lose another pound or this is all there is. However, you just have to trust and believe that you are still moving forward.

I pray that this touches your life in some way, shape or form. Here it is...

Today's Thought

TUESDAY , AUGUST 02, 2005

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we're in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.

Post-Op Day 215: The blessing of my marriage

This past weekend was one of the best I've ever had in my life. I didn't go out of town or go to any big celebrations; instead, it was all about Scott and me and how we worked to make our marriage as strong as possible.

We focused on us - on our needs, desires, issues and communications. We took time to hear each other, to understand each other and to actively love each other. There's a big difference in just passively loving someone and making the conscious effort to actively love him or her. We're making the effort to be in the constant motion of loving each other and not just taking our love for granted.

As I've stated before, we've been working on to improve our marriage. We've spent more than a month making a very concerted effort to pay attention to one another, to develop new interests together and to just spend more time together. On top of that, we've worked to understand each other - something that we realize now is incredibly important.

Scott in particular has really made a major effort to understand me and to create an environment that is emotionally safe for me to open up to him in all instances. He will never know how much that means to me. He is truly the first man who has tried to understand me and love me truly as-is. For that, I am truly grateful.

Saturday night we went out and had a blast. We had spent the bigger part of the day getting ready to go out. Our new club we go to was having a Christmas in July theme, so we went out and bought a present together. It was fun just getting out and doing that.

Then, we ran some errands, took a nap and went out. The club was hopping. Scott and I saw our new friends and we made another new friend. Scott and I danced, laughed and had a blast! He was soooo fun! It was so wonderful!

Earlier that night, before we got to the club, Scott had to stop by work and take care of a little bit of business. Since he needed his keys, I sat in the dark with no radio and the windows down. I laid back and listened to sounds of the street noise and just enjoyed the calm, relaxing environment.

I thought about how much fun I had with him earlier in the day and how much fun we would have that night. I thought about how far I've come on this weight-loss journey, and how his support means more to me than anything. I then prayed that he and I could really build something amazing on this common ground we had found. Though we had come far, there were some things that we still needed to work through.

Well my prayers were answered on Sunday when Scott and I had probably the most honest and open conversation of our relationship. It wasn't a fight or even tense. It was us both learning that we had come to the same point mentally and emotionally on our own separately. What an amazing feeling to learn we were both on the same page and wanted to build the same thing on our new foundation.

As Scott said, this past month, we've probably done several thousands of dollars worth of marriage therapy by ourselves - and we should be proud that we've done that. I agree totally. We both have given a lot of ourselves and have gotten past the hurt to find the root cause of our issues. Once we did that, we realized we have so much to work with and we both don't want to give up. We want to make the most of this wonderful love we have at the core of our relationship.

We made some promises to each other to ensure we never grow apart again like we had done before. After going through all this tough stuff, neither of us ever want to go back there again. We now know how truly valuable our relationship is, and we both love each other deeply and genuinely. I know I am committed and I know he too is committed to having a wonderful, stable, fun, loving, exciting, non-traditional marriage ever. hehe

For me, I cherish and love that man more than I ever dreamed I could cherish and love a person. It's hard to be vulnerable and let myself love that intensely. I've never done it.

Even with our issues, I still cherished and loved him more than anyone ever. However, I am now ready to take it to an even more deeper level. To do so, I have to possess a trust of Scott to protect my heart. I do and that trust is growing even stronger day by day.

I know how blessed I am to have someone so beautiful and sensitive and yet tough and manly. He is the perfect mix for me, and maybe that is what has scared me in a sense. As I've said before here, it's hard to accept the good stuff in life sometimes as much as it is to accept the bad stuff. However, after seeing how tough things can be, I am going to accept and ENJOY the good stuff much, much more. I realize now how good it feels to accept and enjoy.

Anyway, the rest of the day after our talk was awesome. Scott made it romantic, hot, sexy, fun and comfortable. I feel so liberated, so happy, so content and so in love. :-)

Thank You God for hearing my prayers and answering them in ways that are better than I can ever dream.

And thank you Scott for loving me and being the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you. Forever. ;-)