Post-Op Day 2 - Beginning my new life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, here I sit. It’s New Year’s Eve and I am drinking beef and vegetable broth out of a crystal snifter. In a little while, I will be sipping on cran-grape juice in a wine glass.

That’s right…I am post-op!!!

Yes, I am very sore. Yes, I am very gassy. Yes, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut by a horse. But I did it. And I’m still doing it. I am going to keep on doing it.

I can’t believe I am post-op. It seems like a dream. The surgery was very painful. I can’t lie about that. Horrific is the perfect word to describe it. Some people can handle pain. I thought I was one of them. But I guess I’m not.

The good news is that the horrific pain goes away several hours after surgery. For me, the worst part then became the wait for water. My surgery was at 7:30 a.m. I had to wait until 3:15. It was miserable. Once I drank, I started to feel alive again.

I wanted to walk instantly. I’ve heard the horror stories about those not wanting to get up and walk, and they pay the price – sometimes with their lives. Not me – I was up and at ‘em. The nurses and nurses’ aids would comment on seeing me out. One called Scott and me the ‘walking couple’ after she saw us walking at 3 in the morning.

The night of my surgery, I already had my hair up in piggy tails and lipstick on for when my friend L arrived. She stayed with me for several hours. As an added bonus, our friend Linda showed up too! She’s had the surgery and looks amazing, with an 80 pound weight loss. Both Ls have inspired me in ways they don’t even realize.

I didn’t sleep a lot that night. I wanted to walk about every hour to hour-and-a-half. That morning, they came and go me around 8 a.m. to do my leak test. I agree with everyone else – the taste of that liquid you have to drink is HORRIBLE. The lady said it would taste like seaweed. If seaweed tastes like shit, then I guess it did! However, I am not complaining because I knew once I had the leak test and it turned out OK, I would be one big step toward coming home!

Early in the afternoon, Dr. N’s PA Julius came in to see me. He said he saw me up walking. He said I look great too and that it was because I was walking. I hadn’t had a bowel movement, but he said they sounded good when he listened to them through the stethoscope. So, he released me!

I was soooo glad I got to come home! My parents had to leave the following morning, so I got to spend some time with them. Plus, they got to see me moving around and feeling pretty OK.

I have to say that Scott and Mom were angels at the hospital – even when I was testy and grouchy. The care they gave me was second to none.

My parents in general were wonderful in caring for me through it all. Dad stayed home with our dog Katie, so she didn’t have to go to a kennel. That stresses me out when she does. He also took care of the house. After Mom came home from the hospital, she went through the fridge and pantry to get rid of any tempting food. She also helped clean up around the house. However, the thing that mattered the most was that they were simply here. Just their presence made it all better.

Scott has been amazing. He is just so supportive, gentle, caring and funny. He constantly has gone the extra mile for me – from sleeping beside me on that horrible chair-couch thingy to walking with me in wee-early hours to emptying my drain bag to changing my dressings like a pro. I love him so much. I don’t doubt for a minute that I am soooo blessed to have met and married such a wonderful man. Thank you Scott!

Last night after I got home, I was kinda rough. I was worried I would mess things up. I was also worried about not having had a bowel movement yet. I didn’t want there to be any problems obviously.

I would sleep a little bit and then be up a little bit. Sleep a little bit and then be up a little bit. I had to take my meds, sip my liquids, so on and so forth.

At about 2:30 a.m. or so, my tummy started rumbling. The milk of magnesia kicked in with a vengeance. Hehe I have had multiple bowel movements since then. Sorry to be so gross, but it’s an important part of this early portion. I was worried I was having too much diarrhea, but it was explained to me “Liquids in, liquids out.” Hehe I am ok with the thought now.

Today I have walked three times – on average of 10 minutes per walk. I plan to do one more tonight. I’ve slept, taken my meds and been online some. I know I want to be doing more, but I feel like I am doing as good as possible considering I went through major surgery two days ago.

Tonight is New Year’s Eve. Wow…what a year this was for us! From getting married to buying a house to me getting promoted twice to us buying two new trucks to a magical Christmas to this surgery. Thank You God for the many blessings. It has all been a whirlwind, but it has all been worth the time and attention it called for.

God, I ask that you continue to bless my life. I appreciate it so much. I love every minute that You give me. Please let this surgery have been the right thing for me. It’s so scary not being able to see the future. I will just continue to trust You and lean on You. Thank You for Your never-ending grace.

Please bless Scott, Mom and Dad, Granny, Katie, our friends, our family and those we do not know. Please guide us all and let this be a wonderful New Year.

Xoxox
Melissa

The last day of my old life....

Well, tomorrow is THE day. I can’t believe it.

This past week I have been a bundle of nerves. I’ve felt terrified. I’ve been so scared of the unknown. It’s been an emotional journey. I’ve worried about not being able to do it, being in pain and dying.

I’ve spent so many times cherishing each moment of my life with my husband, my parents, my dog and my friends. I’ve wanted to cling to moments and stay there forever. Time has been fleeting. It’s like life is on fast forward to tomorrow morning. I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve had this trembling right in the center of my chest.

However, after crying last night as I drove alone in my Explorer, something released. It didn’t totally release until this morning. But it did. I’ve felt more confident with this - more at ease. I am still apprehensive but I am not as mortified. I am ready to rumble.

I met with my counselor Jackie. She really helped put things into perspective for me. Talking through it all also helped center me. I am so glad I got in to see her today.

The rest of the day was spent with my parents who are here from Indiana. I love spending that time with them. It feels so safe and good. Oh how I wish they lived here. I love having them in my home. I love my parents so much.

We shopped at walmart to get my soups, broths, etc. Then we had pizza as sorta my “last supper.” Haha Then Mom and I went out to get a robe at Lane Bryant and to Walgreens.

As I looked at clothes in Lane Bryant, I realized I am going to be able to fit into so many more of them soon and they will fit on me like they should. I cannot wait to be a size 18/20. I can’t even let myself envision me in a size 14/16. That will be heaven. Wow.

I told Jackie that I cannot even imagine that something as good as this can happen to me. That’s why I focus on all the things that could go wrong. I’ve spent my entire existence hating and fighting fat. I feel like this is my cross to bear. To have an opportunity to lessen the weight is such a blessing – one I can’t even believe could happen to me. I pray this is the path I should be on. I believe God led me to it. I have to trust Him.

You know, this has been a tremendous spiritual journey for me. It has brought me closer to God than I have been in a long, long time. Yet, I know God is right here with me. His presence is unmistakable. He is reaching out to me through my husband, my parents, my friends, my coworkers, my support group members and even strangers.

I know I am rambling. I need to go. I have so much I have to do before going to bed. I just remembered a phrase that I carry close to my heart: “Do not fear tomorrow; God is already there.”

I know He is. It is so scary to take this leap of faith. I love my life so much. I love it so much that I am willing to do this so that I can live it as fully as God intended me to live it. I owe it to me. I owe it Scott. I owe it my parents. I owe it to everyone who loves me. Finally, I owe it to God – who has richly blessed me.

God, please protect me and bless me. Thank You.

Good things are coming...

One week from today, the good Lord willing, I will be a post-op celebrating my re-birthday. The thought is overwhelming.

It's been an emotional day in many ways. First of all, my parents might not make it down for Christmas as planned. Back home in Southern Indiana, they are getting major snowfall and overall bad weather. They are suppose to leave tomorrow and arrive Christmas Eve, but I don't think the weather will permit. My Dad is headstrong and says they are going to do it because he wants to be here when Santa arrives. :-)

I don't want them to come if the weather is bad. I would worry and fret the entire time. HOWEVER, the thought of this being my first Christmas season not celebrating it with them in person is heartbreaking. On top of that, I really wanted to see them before my surgery. So, I dunno. I am very torn.

Other than that, I keep thinking about surgery. I am having a hard time getting my mind around it all. It makes sense that I am diving in head first since this has been the busiest, most impromptu year of my life. From getting promoted twice to planning my wedding in a week to just deciding to build a house one day - it's been intense. Why wouldn't I end the year with a life-alter surgery? haha

I think I am struggling because I feel a lack of total control. However, I need to remember to only worry about what is obviously in my control. The rest will take care of itself.

I feel like God wanted to hammer home that point because today's "Language of Letting Go" thought discusses just that.Thank You God for giving me what I need when I need it.

***
Today's Thought
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2004
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.

Good Things Coming

Do not worry about how the good that has been planned for you will come.

It will come.

Do not worry, obsess, and think you have to control it, go out hunting for it, or tangle your mind trying to figure out how and when it will find you.

It will find you.

Surrender to your Higher Power each day. Trust your Higher Power. Then, stay peaceful. Trust and listen to yourself. That is how the good you want will come to you.

Your healing. Your joy. Your relationships. Your solutions. That job. That desired change. That opportunity. It will come to you - naturally, with ease, and in a host of ways.

That answer will come. The direction will come. The money. The idea. The energy. The creativity. The path will open itself to you. Trust that, for it has already been planned.

It is futile, a waste and drain of energy, to worry about how it will come. It is already there. You have it already. It is in place. You just cannot see it!

You will be brought to it, or it will be brought to you.

Today, I will relax and trust that the good I need will find me. Either through my leadings, or the leadings of others, all I want and need will come to me when the time is right.

Pressing on to the 29th

Wow time is flying by. I am feeling very overwhelmed with Christmas thrown into the mix.

I tried to get my surgery rescheduled for Monday, Jan. 17, 2005. In fact, I woke up this morning thinking it was a done deal. However, Amanda from Dr. N's office called to tell me that a lot of insurances are saying they will cover the surgery after the first of the year, but they really won't be because individual companies are going to add exclusions to their plans.

I contacted Gretchen, the awesome nurse at my insurance company. She was sweet but firm when she said, "Sweetie, I strongly encourage you to do it on the 29th."

So, Scott and I kept my post-op appointment this afternoon with the blessing of my wonderfully supportive boss. She is awesome. I am totally in a daze about having the surgery one week from tomorrow. I guess it was meant to be.

Traffic was horrible, as people were jammed packed trying to get into Memorial City Mall. Once there, Scott and I got in immediately. We first met with Julius. He was nice and blunt. We liked him. He talked a lot about the psychological impact about the surgery. He said women would be more catty to me and men would take more notice. Scott said men hit on me a lot already, so he is use to it. Julius told him he hasn't seen anything yet.

On another note, I was happy to hear that he is in surgery with Dr. N. Makes me feel ever safer somehow. He also told me I was low-risk and if I follow the rules, I shouldn't have problems.

Then Dr. N came in. Quiet and sweet as usual. Asked if we had any questions. We didn't. I just told him to get a good night's rest the night before my surgery. He laughed.

I then talked to Amanda. She was glad I decided to stick with the date. She knows the insurance plan can change at a moment's notice at the first of the year. Then I met with Bernie, gave her my check and talked briefly, as I had to get to the hospital. I did mention that the scar from the breast-lump removal was still infected. She had Pam the nurse look at it. She then wanted Dr. N to see it again. He said it was fine and told me to put aloa on it.

Then off we went to fight traffic some more. Pre-op stuff is nothing. They just did pre-admission so next week I don't have to sit through that stuff. I then had some blood drawn, and then I met with a nurse to go over my history. She wasn't the friendliest, but she did say that I am in good hands with Dr. N. She said, "He's done hundreds of these - they've made him a millionaire, I'm sure."

Whatever.

She also said he is demanding of the nursing staff and they know exactly what he wants. I personally don't see that as a bad thing. It sounds like he is a wonderful patient advocate.

Anyway, after that, we left and ate at Texas Land and Cattle - my favorite. It was really sad knowing I won't be eating there in a long, long time. I am so overwhelmed I feel my head is going to explode. I almost feel helpless...like I don't know how to process it all along with Christmas stuff. I will manage.

I am also feeling bummed out because my friend L is stuck in insurance hell. She is the one who really helped me get this moving. I want her here with me. She is being positive about it - telling me, "awww please dont let my mess here take anything from your glory! Yes i would LOVE to both of us to be doin this now, but apparently its not my time. BUT it is YOURS!!!!! So.. i look at it like this, by the time i get ready, you will be an old pro and can help me along :) "

Sooooo...one week from tomorrow morning, I go under the knife. I want to live. I want to live so much that I am willing to go through this to have the best life possible.

I will post more later. I do want to say that I am so grateful for Scott. He is being so supportive. Thank You God for blessing me with him.

Getting focused...

It was so good to take off Friday. I was able to read and read and read on the surgery. I am probably over-doing it some, but I cannot help it. The journalist in me wants to research all that I can.

PREPARING FOR A NEW ME
I also posted about my upcoming surgery in a yahoo group I belong to for BBW (Big Beautiful Women). As you may have read a while back in my journal, I was really struggling with feeling like I am betraying who I have been all this time – a confident BBW. I have preached for so long to "Love yourself as-is" and that "Attitude is everything” and finally "Sexy comes in all sizes."

Well, after much soul searching, I no longer feel that I am betraying anyone – especially myself. I now have come to the understanding that the essence of what I have preached is simply taking on a new, exciting form.

I do still love myself as-is. In fact, because of that love I have developed for myself at this point in life, I am now able to love myself enough to get healthier. I don’t think I would be too successful on this upcoming journey if I hated who I am as a fat person. I believe the self-loathing would come out in other ways once the weight was gone. How can you pamper yourself in this new journey if you hate the YOU you are supposed to be focusing on?

Also, attitude is still everything. I will still be desirable and confident as I lose this weight because of my attitude. In fact, attitude will be critical in the new journey. I can see where it can be a matter of life or death in some instances. While I might fret in this journal all the time, the reality is that my actions are always take-charge and headstrong. I might be frazzled and shaking on the inside, but I am generally bold and energetic on the outside.

Finally, sexy does come in all sizes. I have identified with being an attractive big woman for so long; I think part of me wonders if I will just be a so-so medium woman. Haha It’s funny…I’ve never put that into words before. But it’s true.

In the past year or so when I was dieting and not considering gastric bypass, I listed out my fears about losing weight. As you will see, some of these aren’t pertinent with the surgery – as weight-loss is inevitable. It’s still so wild to think that I WILL lose weight with this.

Fears about losing weight:

• I am afraid of how long it will take and that I will give up again
• I am afraid I will look ugly when done
• I am afraid of more stretch marks and excess skin
• I am afraid I will look great and can’t handle attention
• I am afraid of the hurt feelings I will have when I lose weight and everyone praises me – that sort of thing makes me self-conscious and angry
• I am afraid the weight won’t ever come off and I will have tried so hard
• I am afraid of the competitiveness it brings out in me
• I am afraid I will still be unhappy when I lose weight
• I am afraid of gaining it back and feeling like a failure
• I am afraid of the unknown

It’s funny…I have come a long way emotionally. It goes back to loving myself as-is. I am not as worried anymore about being unhappy when I lose weight, handling the attention or being competitive. I am at a place in my life that I know I will make the most of it. Also, I think I am a little more relaxed on the fears of gaining it back too.

What I still struggle with most is the fear of the unknown – even more so with this surgery. It’s one of those things where you can read about it all you want. However, until you are in the middle of it, you have NO IDEA how you will react. You don’t even know if you will make it through the surgery. That part is the hardest for me to deal with.

I think on my fear list, the things that are still relevant are the physical aspects – the fear of being ugly and having the stretch marks and loose skin. I believe those things bother me because I have never lost a significant amount of weight – about 30 pounds max. Even then I changed some…and, to be honest, I like how I looked. I think that’s a reason why I am struggling now because I’ve gained that back and then some. I now have a memory of once-was. Before, all I had ever done was get bigger and bigger and bigger.

I truly believe that as the weight comes off, the fears regarding my appearance will slip-slide away. I know I will make the most of it with good hair, good makeup and cute clothes. I am doing wonders with a 320-pound body, if I do say so myself.

So, basically what I will struggle with is accepting how people react to the new me. I need to learn to accept the compliments as that – compliments. I cannot take them personal and be offended on behalf of the person I am today. I know the person I am today is someone special and people like her. In the future, people will love the new me. Of course they are going to comment – it is change. People notice change. They want to reward me for my hard work and dedication to the new me. I have to understand that and accept that.

I wanted to share with you the letter I wrote to my friends in the BBW group. I received one private response of support and one public. The public one is my wonderful friend Deb. She sang in our wedding. I love her so much because she’s always been such a cheerleader in life for me. I love her spirit – she is one of those special people that make you feel just blessed to know her.

Anyway, the rest of the room has been quiet about it for two days. I don’t know if people aren’t around or if they are stunned or mad or what. Regardless, I am not worried about it. We all have to do what we need to do in life – and this is what I need to do.

This was my original post to the BBW Party Girls...

Wellllllllllllll....I have a lot going on these days, as you know Liz.

I wanted to tell everyone here that on Wednesday, Dec. 29, I will be
having gastric bypass surgery. :-)

It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel I am in
the right place now. My first thoughts were that it was an easy way
out. Then, after researching it and seeing several friends go through
it, I realized it wasn't easy at all. However, it does give a person
a second chance at living. I am aware of the risks as well as the
positive outcomes, so understand that I am entering into this
realistically.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am active, confident and one who
loves life. For me, this decision isn't about being sexier - please!
I already know I am that! Remember: sexiness comes in ALL sizes! And
there's a lot of sexiness in this group! :-)

This decision is about being healthy for me and for my wonderful
husband. Luckily, I have awesome cholesterol and blood pressure
levels, as well as good health in general. However, I don't want to
push my luck. Carrying around this much weight on my body is going to
take its toll sooner than later. My feet and body ache more. My
weight is inching up. My desire to be as active as I was just isn't
there like it used to be.

For me, I am taking this rebirth extremely seriously. I realize that
I have to make a most of it - especially in the first year when I
have the most weight loss. I have to exercise. I have to follow the
rules. I have to eat like I am told to eat. It's a HUGE change, but
one I will tackle with a positive, can-do attitude.

In a year or so, I will be able to eat generally most things. Not
all, but most. So...this first year I refuse to throw myself a pity
party because I can't eat as much as I want when I want. I am moving
my focus to getting as fit and healthy as possible.

I've stuggled with the thought that I could very well be losing my
BBW identity. It's who I am in so many ways. While most people on
this weight-loss surgery journey hate who they are and can't wait to
change, I am different. I've loved myself unconditionally and I
didn't bite into that rotten apple that tells people they have to be
thin to be hot, sexy, smart or desirable.

However, now I have to look at it as that being a BBW is not the only
way to be. Luckily, I chose someone who loves me as-is. With Scott, I
am so greatly blessed. I at first worried if my changing figure would
make him love or desire me less. However, he quickly removed any
fears by saying, "I love you no matter what. You're going to be sexy
and beautiful at any size."

I am hanging on to those words. I need to feel that way. I need to
tell myself: "Melissa, I love you no matter what. You're going to be
sexy and beautiful at any size."

I believe I will be a BBW forever. I am big boned, so I can't see me
getting any smaller than a 14 or 12. Still, even that will change me
significantly. However, I feel like I have been led to this point for
a reason, so I am going for it!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know where my life is heading. I
would appreciate any prayers for a safe and uneventful surgery. I
love you all, and I cannot wait to see you guys once I get to feeling
better.

xoxo
Melissa


This was response from my friend Deb:

Congratulations, woman!!! I'm proud of you for taking this step...

I looked at it a year ago - went to an endocrinologist at my
doctor's request - but they wouldn't okay the surgery... Said that
was the very last thing they would do (I had to try other avenues -
including medication, etc)... I've yo-yo'd up and down about 30 lbs
in the last 2 years and I'm ready for a change... Knowing you are
going to do this just makes me that much more determined to follow
in your footsteps - whatever it takes! :)

Please... keep me posted as to what is going on... How long will you
be in the hospital?? Perhaps you'd like some visitors when you get
home... :)

Take care, lady... Be well...

Lotsa love,
Deb


This was my return response:

Awwww thank you! :-)

I REALLY appreciate your support. It is TRULY a life-altering
decision. It's one I am taking very seriously and I am determined to
do my best with. I feel I've been blessed with another chance to be
healthier - so I am going for it with gusto.

I totally understand what you're saying about the yo-yo. *hugs*

For me, I've always been overweight and I didn't pay attention to the
scale as my weight climbed as I got older. Then, I got to the point
where I needed to pay attention! Suddenly, trying to lose 100+ pounds
become much harder than it would have been trying to lose 50 or so
pounds. It's a hard thing to get your hands around.

I spent six months focused on eating better and working out, only to
lose 30 or so pounds. For most, that would be good, but for someone
who has to lose that 3 or 4 more times, it was just so daunting of a
task that I lost my momentum - plain and simple.

If you need me to help you navigate through the approval system or if
you just want to know more info, I would be honored to help you. I
feel a lot of people have helped me get to where I am now, so I want
to help anyone who needs me. One member of the group here has already
written me a personal note and I have sent her some info.

I have a website to chronicle my journey. I am keeping a journal on
it, among other things. I will e-mail you the link. If anyone else is
interested, please e-mail me and I will send it to you.

I will hopefully be in the hospital for just two or three days. I
will be off work a total of two weeks - so once I am home, I would
LOVE the company! In fact, Liz is coming the stay the weekend with me
Jan. 7-9 while Scott is out of town. I know we'd love your company
then. I might look rough - but true girlfriends understand. ;-)

Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.

Love you lots,
Melissa

This was HER return response:

You are SUCH an inspiration, lady... Always have been, always will
be... I am so proud of you for pursuing this with your usual
determination and power... THANK YOU for the link... I read through
your site and am now determined to have a conversation with my PCP
that will let her know in no-uncertain-terms how serious I am about
this... I will switch health-care providers if I have to to get
approval (like you, I have always had marvelous health - no blood
pressure problems, regualar cholesterol)...

Like you, I didn't notice how the scale crept up... Of course, I
used to have a horrible self-image so I guess I thought I deserved
anything I got (I will NEVER be in that mind-set again! *SMILE*)...
Also, I read something once that said most people who lose weight
gain it back, etc and I took that as the TRUTH and figured, "Why
bother?" Like I didn't even get that it was an option to lose
weight and keep it off! Interesting how the mind works, huh? :)

I see pictures of myself as a child and I was THIN... Everyone who
sees the pics goes... "That's YOU??" In High School, I thought I
was the fattest thing (notice how I say "thing" rather
than "person"... Yeah, I had some self-image issues! *lol*) around
and continued that in College (even though I was a size 16-20
through most of those years)... The year I lived in England (my Jr.
Year), I came home as a size 16 - that was the smallest I'd been in
6 years at that point. And, that's the smallest I've been in my
adult life (I was 20 at the time - I'm now 35)...

It all changed when I broke my ankle in '91. Suddenly, movement was
painful... I'd always been fairly active up until that point
(soccer, softball, volleyball, horseback riding, etc) and all of the
sudden I was restricted. I know I went into a depression after that
accident- although I didn't know that at the time - and I literally
have YEARS in which I have few memories of anything... I thought I
was even MORE unattractive because of my scars and limp - I think I
made it mean that the universe was agreeing with my personal belief
that I was deserving of "what I got" and that this injury was just
confirmation of my unworthiness. When I came out of it, I was
suddenly 300 lbs and climbing.

Unlike you, I've only been really pursuing weight-loss for two
years... But I'm experiencing all the ups-and-downs and yo-yoing of
others who've been doing this for longer. This sucks. And I'm not
gonna spend another 5-10 years struggling with this and suffering
about it. This surgery is a STRUCTURE - that's all - to assist
people in being successful in their weight-loss journey. I see
nothing wrong with it if it improves my (or anyone's) quality of
life.

I wanna come and visit you after your surgery... The weekend you
mentioned I am doing a Broadway benefit show up at Playhouse 1960
but will work in a visit to come see you. Actually, I'd love to
visit when both you and Scott are around... So I will contact you
that weekend (7th-9th) and see where you are around me comin' to see
you!

Melissa... This is RIGHT. No question. I'm proud of you for taking
a stand for yourself and your quality of life and making this
happen. And yes, you've always been a role-model for me, too! :)
THANK YOU for sharing yourself with me and with all of the other
people (BBW and otherwise) whose lives you touch every day.

All of my love,

Deb


DREAMS
Last night, I was awake at 3:30 with all sorts of horrible things going through my mind.

I kept thinking of the what-ifs and questioning if I was doing what is right for me. I finally just let go and asked God to keep me safe. I also told Him that if any obstacles come my way, I will not pout or struggle to hard with them. I will know that He is delaying things for a reason. I purposely opened my heart to His will. Sometimes that's hard to do when you think you want something so bad. I didn't want to be blinded by that desire if God was trying to tell me something different.

Honestly, I have to say that things have gone soooo smoothly – smoother than I ever dreamed possible. So, I know I am on the right path and following my destiny.

When I awoke this morning, I felt better and realized those are just late night fears that crept into my mind. I think they were good for me because they prompted me to open my heart to God and tell Him how much I trust him – and then believe it.

This morning I have a sense of peace and a sense of excitement tinged in anxiety. I would think that is normal, right? If I were not thinking about all this stuff, I would be in denial. I am entering into it eyes wide open.

Today is my support group meeting. It’s going to be awesome to meet some of these folks for the first time. I am so blessed to have such a loving and knowledgeable support group.

Opening my heart...

As I walked Katie in the darkness this morning, I opened my heart to God and asked for some words of comfort. This Bible verse popped into my mind:

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:11

I couldn't quite remember all of the verse as I walked. I kept mulling over the "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you..." I kept wondering if the next word was prosperity. I then wondered why that verse would pop into my mind of all of them. I wasn't looking for prosperity as much as comfort, you know?

When I got home, I searched for the verse. It all makes sense now. Prosperity in this sense is that God will give me all that I need when I need it during this time. In addition, I find comfort that He will not bring me disaster. I can have Faith that He has my best interest. Finally, He is going to provide me the future that I hope for. So, I need to really explore and develop my hopes and not place limitations on God - because He has none.

What this boils down to is that I need to stop holding onto my fears so closely. I need to release them to my Higher Power. I need to have Faith. I need to trust God. I need to work with Him on His plan and not resist it. I must surrender the control and trust that this is all unfolding as it should be.

***

I am taking a personal day today. I believe this will help me feel like I can sort things better. It's worth it to take the time - even though I have so little to spare.

Overwhelmed....

I am feeling very overwhelmed. :-(

With the surgery less than three weeks away and Christmas piled on top of it, I feel the clock ticking and ticking and ticking. And I am not motivated. My ADD is not medicated at the moment, and I can feel it. I am struggling to prioritize and, when I do, I am paralyzed by the amount of it all. Usually I cope really well. I guess I am just stressed to the max.

Don’t get me wrong – I am soooooo excited to have the surgery. I talk about it a lot. God bless my co-workers – they listen and care so much. I am so blessed. I don’t know what I would do without them.

My dog is looking at me. She too feels neglected. It seems all I do is get up, walk her, get ready for work, work 10 hours, come home exhausted, read weight-loss surgery information and go to bed. OH YEAH…I don’t exercise like I should and I eat and eat and eat! I have been stuffing my face since I started pursuing the surgery three months ago.

Sometimes I think I can’t live without stuffing myself. Tonight, though, I realized I am so glad I am having this surgery because I don’t want to keep stuffing myself. The surgery will stop the cycle and retrain me from the start. I am tired of eating and eating. Yet I do it. I am disgusted with myself. Maybe I have to get to this point so that I can be strong when I am on the other side?

I know I am ready to have the surgery though. It’s almost overdue, in fact. Yesterday and today I have struggled to find anything that fits anymore. I’ve outgrown my clothes. I look terrible. I’ve always been big but proportionate, generally comfortable and neat in my clothing. Now, I am losing that proportion. My body aches as I am not comfortable sitting or standing. Finally, my clothes look like hell. UGH! I feel sluggish and unhealthy. Never have felt this blah. Maybe once you face reality and pursue surgery, you are suddenly more aware of your situation?

My friend L can read me so well. Below is a Yahoo Messenger conversation we just had that captures how I am feeling right now:

***
L : are you not ready for all this?
me: right now i don't feel I am
me: though - I do believe i am
me: i think i was prepared for a long fight
me: and when i got approved so soon, it floored me
me: with Christmas in the mix
me: and his family coming next weekend
me: then my family
me: then bam! surgery
me: i have done no christmas shopping
me: i have to clean the house this weekend
me: we have to decorate our tree
me: scott's working so much overtime i can't do anything after work cuz i have to get katie (my dog)
me: work is nuts
me: i have that support group
me: and so on
L : she doesnt stay home during the day?
me: yes...but when i get off work, she's been alone for 10-12 hours
me: she needs to go out
L : ya
me:i am not sleeping well--i wake up and feel the acid pouring into my stomach
L : :-(
me: i have to get the whole house cleaned for his family
me: then turn around and clean after they mess it up for my parents
L : ya
me: sorry to vent
L : dont be silly!!!! of course you can vent.
***
Let the record show: I LOVE YOU, L!

Also let the record show I DO want to have the surgery. I am just in a mood. And if I can't vent in my journal and to my best friend, then where can I vent?

Anyway, I had my first WLS-related dream. In it, my hair was cut short because of the hair loss. I remember how sad I was because I have finally grown my hair out some and by cutting it, I felt like I lost some of my sensuality. I have enjoyed having longer hair. I don’t want it short again. I am worried about the hair loss actually. I am a natural blonde with baby-fine hair, so I don’t have much to spare. I will just worry about it when the time comes. I have too much to worry about otherwise.

Yesterday, I met with my counselor Jackie. She is phenomenal. I seriously don’t know how she keeps track of so many people. After the Space Shuttle Columbia accident, we were all so traumatized at Johnson Space Center. She has worked hard to help us cope with that – in addition to all of our numerous problems.

Jackie and I have such a good rapport. She knows she can tell it to me like it is. I trust her with all my heart. Jackie is sooo thrilled for me to have this surgery. She said that I am ready. For several years, my life’s path has led me to this point in time.

From me picking up my entire life in March 2001 and moving 1,000 miles to Houston to me getting my job at NASA to Scott and me committing ourselves to each other and getting married to building a home to becoming a supervisor to me making the friends that I do – it all fell into place. She says that now I have the security and support I need for this next phase in my life.

I told her that I have come so far in these past few years. I have totally rebuilt my world. I love it so much – I don’t want to screw it up. This surgery is so serious – I don’t want to damage my body when so many good things are happening to me. She said that I am only going to improve it. She said my positive attitude, energetic spirit, take-charge nature and desire to make it work will make this a success. She said it’s time. I know she’s right.

We discussed my fears about the surgery itself. She said my great health will help with that tremendously. Plus, she said I have an excellent mind-body connection.

I told her I am having a hard time letting go of who I am now. I don’t want others to discount the Me of Now when they see the Me of the Future. All I know is the Me of Now, who has served me so well. Jackie told me to write a letter of goodbye to the Me of Now. I asked what kind of letter – a “Here’s why I am leaving you” letter? She said, “No. A thank-you letter.” One that tells me how great I have been in these 33 years and how I have been good for me. I now have the strength and foundation to be reborn and live a new, healthier life.

I might not have explained that well - but what she told me brought tears to my eyes. It made sense. Before the surgery, I am going to write that letter.

I then told her that I am scared of how immediately I will become someone new in many ways. I go to sleep one person – I wake up, in a sense, another. My life will start changing from that point. It is my prayer that the changes are all for the good.

I explained to her that when I left Indiana to drive here to Houston, I stayed the night in Jackson, Mississippi. That one night represented so much. I was truly in the in-between. I had left behind all I knew that day and the following day I would reach my dreams. In my journal, I stated: “Tomorrow, my whole life will change forever….It’s scary and exhilarating all in one!!!”

That’s how I feel right now.

In so many ways, I am experiencing the same emotions. In fact, I wake up in the morning, and I feel the acid pour into my stomach as my anxiety and excitement fill my mind first thing. I remember weeks of that before leaving Indiana. I thought it would never stop. But, it did. And my life became something amazing. I think of all I would have missed out on if I didn’t have the guts to pick up my life and move! The same thing applies to this situation. I have to have the guts to try this too.

I told Jackie that I realize I don’t have to create my future in one day. I can’t even if I wanted to. Instead, God gave me enough strength for each day the first time. He brought so many good things into my life and they happened quickly, but they didn’t happen overnight. He paced the good things so that I could embrace each one. My life has been a whirlwind, but it has been spread out over four or so years. I know God will pace it all for me this time too.

I have a little card that I’ve kept with me for quite a few years. It has a picture of a dark cloud and a rainbow. It simply says, “Do not fear tomorrow – God is already there.”

It has given me comfort so many times. Tonight I saw it again, and I suddenly felt peace. Each time I’ve relied upon that statement, I was never let down. God is waiting for us tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. God is already waiting for me on my surgery date. I take great comfort in that.

In shock....

I am still am in shock that I will be having my surgery in 22 days. It’s like I am so focused on the “what ifs” and the details of it all (eating, drinking, taking vitamins, exercise), that I sometimes forget all the great stuff that will come out of this!

I have always been overweight. I was a chubby child that felt different that the other kids; a thick teen-ager who thought she was way too fat being 30 pounds too heavy; a college student who didn't give a damn about what she ate and an adult who has no recollection of how she ballooned up to this size. It just seemed to “happen.”

In some ways, it has been easy to overlook my weight. I am very outgoing, so people loved me as-is. I take pride in myself in many ways, so my inner confidence has shown through to the outside world. I have embraced my sensuality and sexuality – which creates a powerful persona.

So, for me, being overweight has been so much of who I am. I have no inkling what it is like to be “NORMAL SIZE.” I can’t even really comprehend it will happen to me. It’s like my mind won’t go there.

I think after so many failed attempts at weight loss, I have lost the vision I once had when I was trying to lose weight. I guess I simply cannot grasp that I WILL lose weight – and a lot of it. I am so use to failure in that area, that I’ve come to just accept it. It’s part of who I am, in a sense.

When I visited Dr. Naaman’s office, it was weird to hear the nurse say, “When you lose weight…” I cannot even comprehend that the weight loss is certain.

When doing Weight Watchers, I have struggled for months to lose 30 pounds. I would watch the scale creep down 1 pound one week and then .5 the next and then up 2 the following then down 3 the next week. UGH. I would just work so hard too, only to see minimal results. When face with losing 100+ pounds, I just kept losing my momentum. :-(

To lose 50 or so pounds in less than two months is simply UNREAL. I mean, there’s a real possibility that I won’t have to wear plus-sizes anymore. I cannot even imagine.

In disbelief….

A blessed day - I'M APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it has been forever since I’ve written. So much has transpired…

I AM APPROVED AND I HAVE A SURGERY DATE!!!

I can’t really believe it actually. I am sort of numb, nervous and excited – all rolled into one.

Let me backtrack some…

On Nov. 23, I met with the nutritionist. It went really well. She was nice and gave me some good info. I now have a better grasp of what eating will be like for me – for at least the first 12 weeks. The first week is clear liquids only. During the 2nd through the 6th week, I will be on creamed soups, smoothies, etc. The second six weeks are soft foods. After that, I graduate to big-people food. Hehe

Anyway, my meeting with Dr. Naaman went extremely well. I got there early and they took me early! When does that ever happen in a doctor’s office?! Pam the nurse was fabulous – outgoing, kind and nurturing. Dr. Naaman was quiet and a nice. He told me that I’m “just too sweet.” Hehe

He felt my abdomen, explained the surgery to me and offered to answer any questions. I didn’t have anything major. We then discussed my journalism background and he told me that his daughter is a journalism student in college. After that, he was off to the next patient.

I met with Amanda, who explained just how busy she is and how she fights with insurance companies. She’s quite aggressive in general. But, I guess she has to be to do that job.

Then I finally got to meet Bernie. What a sweetheart. She is definitely the best at customer service. She makes you feel like you’re #1. It was honor to meet her.

My best girlie girl L had an appointment after me. So I waited for her and her friend Kim. L and I were thirsty and starved because our appointment was at 4 and 4:30 respectively, and we couldn’t drink or eat for 8 hours prior because we had to take an H-Pylori test. This test checks for stomach bacteria that can cause ulcers in your new pouch. We were both negative! Woo hoo!

Dinner was great. It was nice meeting Kim and catching up with L. She is so fun.

Fast forward to Wednesday, Dec. 1. Bernie had told me to call and check to see if my paperwork had been sent to insurance. I asked for Bernie, but Amanda intercepted my call and explained (lectured) to me that she is the one who I need to talk to. She told me that Dr. N had written his info. She was just waiting for Gretchen at my insurance office to call her with the fax number.

The following day, I call the general line at Great West and they tracked down Gretchen’s fax number. I called and gave the info to Amanda.

On Friday, Dec. 3, Gretchen called at around 11 a.m. She had left me voicemail saying that she had compiled all my info and it was with the medical director. I was thrilled! I just didn’t know how long it would take to get an answer – a few days? Weeks? Months?

An hour or so later, she called again. She said, “Merry Christmas Melissa!! You’re approved!”

I was freaking FLOORED! I could not believe it! It seemed so easy! I was prepared for a fight! I felt like then that it was meant to be.

All weekend I thought about this surgery. Getting the approval made it so much more real to me. Scott and I had a long talk about it. We’re committed partners in this journey together. I need him more than he will ever know. I explained to him that feeling as best as I could. He is so supportive and positive. I feel like we had a wonderful moment in our relationship as we dedicated ourselves to this.

I have learned so much in all that I have read over the past few months. I told myself that there are some things I want to remember when I am in the middle of it all. Below is my commitment to myself that I will live by…

The first year of a new Me

Goals
For the next year, I am committed to focusing on ME. While it’s always important to treat myself well, it is essential this first year. I only get one chance for this kind of significant weight loss – so I must take maximum advantage of the opportunity.

Therefore, I must:

• Eat appropriately
• Exercise daily
• Drink enough water
• Get enough sleep
• Manage my stress
• Practice positive self-talk
• Keep my perspective on the weight loss
• Face and work through emotional issues as they arise
• Follow all rules

Tings to remember

• I realize that the pain is only temporary, and it is the final step before I experience a whole new life. I work with my body to heal itself so I can embark on this new journey.
• I refuse to fixate on what I can’t eat right now – it’s self-sabotage. Sure there is some mourning for my old way of living, but I know this is an entirely better way for me. I strive to remember that I eventually will be eating modified portions of most “normal” foods again. Food is not going anywhere - it will all be waiting for me in a year. I will just have a better relationship with it.
• I understand that many, if not most, people have some sort of buyer’s remorse after surgery. I also understand I have some times when I simply feel down. I know this is natural, and I do not panic when it happens to me. I will keep my perspective and go with the natural flow.
• I refuse to obsess over the scale. Instead, I practice being thankful for having this valuable tool, which has so richly blessed my life. I need to remember that the weight will come off in due time. Everything is as it should be.

***
Today I contacted Amanda and told her the good news. She wasn’t as thrilled as me (understandable) and told me she would contact Gretchen to verify it. She would add me to her “growing to-do list.” Nothing like making the customer feel like she’s No. 1, eh?

This was a rough day at work. So, when Amanda called again, I was glad she told me she could get me in on Wednesday, Dec. 29. Yes, that’s right – in 23 DAYS! Totally wigged me out! The surgery is at 7:30 a.m. – I have to be there at 5:30 a.m. That means we will leave around 4:30 a.m. YIKES!

I am still kinda iffy on that date. My parents are driving a 1,000 miles from Indiana to arrive here on Christmas Eve. They had planned to leave on the 29th. I hate rushing them off. I wish they could be here the first few days. There’s nothing like your Mom and Dad to care for you. Also, my wonderful friend Marshall, who was a wonderful maid of honor, is having his 50th birthday party on the 1st. I don’t want to miss that unless I absolutely need to. UGH.

I will get the details worked out. I am just thrilled that this is really going to happen. Actually, I am verrrrrry nervous. I feel like I can handle the new way of eating and drinking, I am just scared about the surgery.

As I was telling my friend L, my life is so wonderful now. I have a terrific hubby, a precious dog, two loving parents, amazing friends, a brand new house, a new SUV, a job that I love, etc. etc. I never want to ruin any of that. My health is good except for the extra weight. I am scared of messing it up. I just pray that God will continue to guide my path on this. He is so good to me. I am richly blessed. Thank you God!

Ok I am exhausted…I will write more later when I am coherent!