Wow...I know I am so far behind. I think when I get this far off track, it's hard to get back here to write because there's so much I want to say that the thought of trying to capture it all overwhelms me. Did you follow all that? lol
So, I will just start writing and get out all I can. It might be a rambling entry but I have to stop being an all-or-nothing perfectionist and just do it.
I guess I will start with my frustration - my stalled weight. I know why it's stalled - I am not eating like I should. It's just so easy nowadays to eat junk and do mindless eating - even if it is in small amounts. I am just so stressed out that I have taken my focus off of me and my weight-loss goals. I always get stuck like this when I take my eyes off the goal. I am so close too - 35 pounds from my goal of 159.
When I type my frustrations out, it always helps me get my focus back. I don't know why I let myself get stuck where I stop focusing on my goals, stop writing, stop tracking my progress and start getting upset over my stalling out. Much of my stress is out of my control right now and I have to take things one step at a time. However, focusing on me and my weight-loss efforts IS in my control. So, I just need to do it.
Anxiety and AlcoholI've been having anxiety attacks lately. It's like the stress is almost so overwhelming I can't handle it.
I talk to my psychiatrist who prescribes my Adderall for my ADD about the panic attacks. He said it very well could be I am having the attacks because I no longer have food as my way to cope. He also said he had studied in the past people who lost a lot of weight. He said that sometimes the change in body chemistry creates agitation and anxiety. Whatever the case, he gave me the lowest-dosage possible of Xanax to try.
I took them a few times at work this past week, but they made me so sleepy. However, yesterday they really helped.
I was laying on the couch watching TV and I suddenly had a panic attack. My fears all came rushing in. Scott had to hold me for a while and I felt like my heart was beating so hard. I felt so scared when I thought of everything that worries me.
I am especially anxious right now because I had a well-women exam this past week. The nurse called on Friday and I didn't listen to the message until later. She wants me to call her Monday to go over some things. So, I've had all weekend to worry.
I am so terrified something else is wrong with me. I am soooo damn tired of something being wrong with me. During the exam, he noticed that I had an enlarged thyroid. I am wondering if it is that she's calling about or an abnormal pap smear or something worse from my blood test.
We also discussed my infertility and he wants us to start trying immediately. I have to make an appointment to see a reproductive endocrinologist and another ob-gyn who specializes in infertility. Plus, he wants to operate on me laparoscopy in the next few months to see if I have endometriosis and why the right side of my ovaries is in the wrong place. UGH. The thought of another surgery...and what he might find...really gets to me as well.
So, when all that (plus more stuff I won't get into here) crept into my mind yesterday, I felt like I was drowning. I just panicked and that's when Scott had to hold me. So, I took the Xanax. It helped calm me down. In fact, it made me incredibly sleepy - and sleep is something I've been needing. I went to bed around 5:30 and I didn't wake up until Scott was leaving at 10 p.m. to go see a show.
I was suppose to go to a Halloween party, but I was so tired I just fell back to sleep. I woke up around 3 a.m. Scott arrived home shortly after. We talked for a while about his night and then I went to bed until around 7:30. Ironically, I still feel tired. I think the stress is taking its toll on my body.
I also think drinking alcohol is taking a toll on my body too. For the past few months, I've been drinking at night during the week to take off the ever-growing edge in my life.
In the past, I've been an in-control social drinker. I've never drank to take the edge off until lately.
First it started with a little at night when I got home to calm me down and help me let go of the intensity of the day. Over time it developed into me feeling like I needed a drink or two or three every other night during the week. I've found myself looking forward to getting home so I could drink and escape the stress. Since I no longer have extreme overeating to cope, I think I've been using alcohol in its place.
I know I need to stop drinking in that manner. I should be ok with the Thursday Happy Hour and possibly drinking a little on Saturday nights when I go out. However, I am smart enough to know that drinking to control my mood is not good for me. The main thing to remember is that I can't rely on alcohol to take the edge off - it's replacing one vice with another obviously.
I think it really hit me Friday night how much alcohol had become part of my life. Scott and I went to a Halloween party - the one I've been looking forward to for months. However, that evening I was stressed from the nurse's call and a week of crap at work, so I felt edgy and anxiety filled. So, as soon as I got there - I started drinking just a little wine to take the edge off so I could loosen up and have fun.
It didn't seem like a lot but I kept refilling my little glass over and over. By the end of the night, I was more drunk than I had been since having this surgery. I was worried about myself even though I was blitzed out of my mind. I kept thinking - OMG did I push myself too far? What CAN my body handle??
Scott took good care of me and I didn't make an ass of myself at the party, but I sure felt awful physically for doing that to myself. I also felt embarrassed - even though I didn't do anything embarrassing. I felt embarrassed because I didn't control my drinking and, thus, I felt out of control. That was kinda the breaking point for me. From here on out, I am definitely ensuring I drink more responsibility and less often.
It's hard to write about it but it also feels good. I obviously have a tendency for addiction since I let myself overeat to the point where I weighed 324 pounds. So, I need to always be on alert for trading addictions. I wouldn't have called myself an alcoholic, but I think I was on the fast path to it. That's why I am going to ensure I don't abuse the Xanax. I am using them only for the true panic attacks. I don't think I will abuse them anyway because of the sleepiness factor. Still, I have to be hypervigilant in staying on top of this stuff.
So there's my confessional... lol Now on to the better stuff!
WOW!In the past month, I have received so many positive comments about my appearance it's been unreal.
When I went to Metal Mercy two weeks ago, so many people were WOWed. Scott's friends were coming up to me in droves. Most hadn't seen me since the surgery; others saw me when I was down about 50 pounds. The reactions were varied from "I wouldn't have recognized you" to "OMG you look amazing" to "Holy Shit!" haha It was nice to hear people use the words "beautiful" "gorgeous" and, my favorite, "glowing." haha
I felt great that night in my top and jeans. I've posted some pics above.
The next week, we went to a rock n' roll baby shower. haha It was held at a bar owned by our friend Frankie. Of course the bar was closed except for us there to celebrate our friends Gregg and Allison's upcoming baby boy. It was a great shower because the guys were there too and bands jammed. The little kids attending loved the music. It was a lot of fun and, again, I got a lot of positive comments.
The pic from the entry below is from that event. When I saw that pic, I couldn't BELIEVE how normal-sized I looked. It still freaks me out when I see it!
At work lately I've been receiving more compliments too. I've worn a few new things (the tan pants I wore to the shower and a new jacket-top) that really made people step back.
I'm still loving to go shopping - even if I don't buy anything. Just trying on clothes is so much fun. Sure, some things don't fit but that happens to everyone. I am now wearing more and more Larges instead of Extra Larges. The new jacket-top I bought is a large and it fits perfect. That blows my mind.
I bet when I reach goal, I will be a solid medium. OMG that would be so wild! I actually bought my first medium sweater the other day! I couldn't believe it. I know it was running big but still! Last year at this time there would have been no way my body would have fit into that.
The shrug I bought for the Halloween party was from the Juniors department - size large. It is sooooo cute too! Long sleeves and a faux fur collar! I went as Cat Scratch Fever. :-)
At the party, I really wowed the group because I wore my short, snug-fitting, low-cut black dress with the fur shrug and kitty ears. Some didn't recognize me (again!) and others who had just seen me last week went on and on.
One of our friends who hadn't seen me since March (50 pounds ago) went overboard. She just kept going "OH - MY- GOD! OH-MY GOD!" and staring at my mid-section! She was loud and really animated. I felt reallllly on the spot. Another woman who hadn't seen me in two or three years joined in about how "stunning" I looked.
Separately, I might have been able to handle them better. However, together it was totally overwhelming to be in that spotlight. You can only say Thank You so many times. I mean, I appreciate it to no end. But it just gets to the point where you feel very self-conscious.
I will have to say that the second woman said something to me that really touched me. She said, "Have you ever met someone who makes you want to improve yourself?" I was confused and she explained that I inspire her to want to do more with herself and her appearance. She said being near me made her realize she needed to step it up and work to be more "beautiful like you." Her words - not mine. Blew me away.
I talked to my friend Debbie about this at the party. She understood how all the attention was a bit overwhelming. She said, "I think you were beautiful before Melissa but now that some people are going on and on about your looks, it makes you feel like, 'What was wrong with me before?'"
She's right. I've discussed this before in my journal. It was one of the things that irked me from the start because I knew once I lost a large portion of weight, people would treat me differently. There's always been a core group who have told me the whole time they found me attractive. But now, hearing it from so many people so much in so many ways, it's a real mind f*ck.
What's weird is that many times, I don't feel as pretty as I did when I was at 270 or so. I definitely feel prettier than I was at 324. But at 270 or so, I was full-figured but not exceedingly overstuffed, you know? I had bigger boobs, my face looked good and I felt pretty good.
Granted, I love the way clothes look on me now and I love not cringning at every pic I'm in. I just sometimes think I was more self-assured and felt sexier when I was heavier. I had embraced being a Big Beautiful Woman and I lived it to the max. Now, I kinda feel lost in this new body. I've struggled with this for a while and I am sure I will continue to do so.
I am feeling attractive though, and I am thrilled people are nice enough to compliment me. It does feel great, for the most part, to hear these awesome things. I love how supportive people are, and I feel so blessed. I know everyone means well and I will just enjoy their kind words.
Whew...
I am going to close now. I've typed a lot and I need to get some dinner. It's good to be back and I will try not be gone so long this time.
Thank You God for this wonderful life I have. Even in the stressful days, I know You are with me. "Do not worry about tomorrow; God is already there."
xoxooxox
Melissa
