Melissa's Transformation - The Blog :-)

Obviously, I'm Melissa :-) This is my incredible journey as I transform inside and out after having gastric bypass surgery on Dec. 29, 2004. It's a wild, wonderful trip!
I am newly separated. I live in Pasadena, Texas, ya'll, with my little Schnoodle dog named Katie! I love helping people in all phases of this weight-loss journey.

6.29.2005

Post-Op Day 182 - a milestone!!

HAPPY

SIX-MONTH

ANNIVERSARY

TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you God. Thank you Scott. Thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you Liz. Thank you my friends.

***
Melissa Deaver
12/29/04
Dr. Naaman - Lap RNY
324/223 -101 lbs.
Six months today!!!

6.28.2005

Post-Op Day 181 - Lost at Sea

Almost every day I go through the before and after photo gallery on Obesity Help (http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/index.phtml). Most of the time, I just look at the photos and move on. Sometimes I will click on them to read the profiles.

It just struck me how sad most people are beforehand. They hated themselves and felt trapped in their oversized bodies. Once most of them have the surgery and experience results, it’s as if they’ve been set free from bondage. I don’t know why it really registered with me, but I just keep thinking about how many more people living right at this moment feel trapped and are loathing themselves.

I read one man’s entry where he said at 500+ pounds, he was contemplating suicide. Now, at 220, he is loving life more than ever. He shudders to think if he had killed himself, he never would have experienced a life so full and happy. That makes me so sad to think how many people in the past have given up on living because of their weight and they have either committed suicide up front or killed themselves slowly by giving up on life and letting the obesity take over.

The general public wants to judge and ridicule overweight people. However, if they only had a clue as to how painful emotionally and physically it is to be morbidly obese, they would be mortified. Perhaps there would be more compassion. Or maybe not. How sad it is though that people feel they have the right to be cruel and heartless to the obese.

I will always have compassion I think because I will always be a morbidly obese person inside. That’s not necessarily a bad thing either. I no longer qualify as morbidly obese and I am .2 away from leaving the severely obese BMI ranking and moving to just being "obese." Many in this country fall into the “obese” BMI range, so I am slowly becoming “normal.” However, it doesn’t change those feelings inside of me that have felt the pain of being morbidly obese for years.

My battle wounds are turning into battle scars. I wear those scars with pride though because it shows that I have faced and conquered the dreaded disease of morbid obesity. They also serve as reminders of where I have come from and what I have learned.

I've learned who loved and supported me as-is. I've learned how horrible it is to feel squeezed out of society’s norm with each 10 pounds gained. I've learned how small and confining the world can be when your body enlarges.

It’s terrifying to reach the point of morbid obesity because you feel like you drift so far out to sea that you have no idea how you’re going to return. You try to stop or at least tread water. But, more often than not, you drift further out to sea.

You panic. You so desperately want a normal life that it becomes overwhelming. You try all kinds of weight loss efforts and usually fail. Some actually make progress but even they often lose focus and drift back out to sea – sometimes even further than where they first started.

Once the reality hits that even your best efforts aren’t producing the results you need to get back within reach, your panic turns to desperation. Then you have a decision to make – do you accept the risks of this surgery or do you give up on living and just drift until you die?

People live with this terror every day. It’s horrible. We can smile. We can laugh. We can make people think everything is ok and we’re fine being the happy fat people. But the reality is: We’re desperate inside. In fact, we’re scared beyond belief.

After you accept the risk and have this surgery, you’re still afraid. You have hope but you’re prepared for failure because you’ve failed so many times. When the weight starts coming off, you still dismiss it. It’s too hard to put your faith into it because the failure on this last-ditch attempt would be absolutely devastating.

Still the weight comes off. You move forward. You see a glimpse of the shore! It is so magnificent to see. It’s so beautiful. It looks so safe. You then get some momentum and you actually start to swim a little. The weight falls off more. You’re elated.

Then it stops. You hit a plateau. You want to scream and you panic. Your head even dips under a few times and you think it’s the end. But then the scale moves again. And so do you. The shore comes into focus more and more. You make out shapes. You can visualize yourself there. Suddenly, a hope fills your soul. It is the most magnificent feeling in the world to know you might just survive.

You begin to smile more. The positive self-talk comes easier. You begin to enjoy the swim because you are moving forward. You feel lighter and happier. You are no longer morbidly obese. You are severely obese but hey - you will take whatever you can get. You appreciate your life more. You look back and see how far you’ve come and you can’t believe it. What’s even more exciting is that you know that there are more wonderful things ahead of you.

Sure, your arms are tired. Your body aches. You’re worn down. But you have new life that keeps getting better and better.

I wish I could write about what it feels like reaching the shore, but I am not there yet. I can’t wait to finish this story when I finally make it there. Right now the panic is gone and it is replaced with anticipation and true hope. Sure, I worry about being carried back out to sea, but I don’t let it consume me. I also worry about something going wrong, but I can’t let that take away my joy of the moment. I’ve worked too hard to not enjoy this.

My eyes are focused on the victory of reaching the shore. I’ve never really been there actually. I’ve been overweight all my life. Of course I was only wading for a while before I let myself be carried away. So, it’s nice to be back to where I am now. It’s been a long time. This time I am enjoying it.

I am appreciating the people who stand on the shore cheering me on, and I am bonding with the people who are beside me heading in the same direction. Most importantly, I am loving the people who are behind me still drifting. It is critical that I remember them and share my story so they too may have hope. I must always show them compassion and understanding because it was those who went ashore before me who helped me get to this point through their wisdom, support and encouragement.

Thank you God.

6.27.2005

Post-Op Day 180 - a recap

Today was a good day after a magnificent weekend with my Sweetie!

I weighed in at 224 again. I love the thought that I am down 100 pounds! It's just such a wonderful feeling knowing that I did it! The rest is just icing on the cake - and like I said, bakery cake and icing rocks my world! :-)

I wore a new skirt today. I bought it on clearance at Fashion Bug and it’s been in my closet for over a month I would say. While the tag states that it is a size 18/20, it’s fit much smaller than the other 18/20s I’ve tried on. It is pretty form fitting.

Well today I got brave and wore it. It fits much better now than it did when I first purchased it. I actually felt really good in it. I was told it shows off my weight loss. I love hearing that. Haha! I am working to enjoy my body as it is now instead of waiting until it becomes some magic size in the hazy future.

I am also working on my posture. I’ve been noticing that I slump a lot. I don’t mean to – it just comes natural from years of not sitting properly. Most probably don’t notice I slouch. However, I do. So, I’ve been consciously walking with my shoulders back and head up. It feels unnatural, but I know I need to do it. When I do it though, I do feel more confident and attractive.

Work was good. I had a funny email from one of my employees. He’s the bodybuilder that’s been a great supporter of me. Anyway, I wrote him and told him I needed to meet with him after lunch. He wrote me and said: “Alright then skinny.”

I replied with: “Hahah who you talkin' to?”

He said: “The skinny person I almost didn't recognize walkin' down the hall this morning.”

When he and I met later, I asked him about it. He said he had to do a double take to figure out it was me. I just can’t believe that! As I always say – you feel the same inside. To hear things like that is real mind trip (in a good way of course!)

For instance, today my boss took us supervisors to a pottery painting place for a team-building activity. Before we began, she wanted to have a quick meeting to go over some work stuff.

As she started to talk, she stopped and looked at me and said, “Melissa – you just look so pretty today.” It kinda took me by surprise. The other two supervisors there looked at me and said, “You really do.”

My boss said, “You’re always pretty but there’s just something about you right now. It’s the new hair and you’re just looking so slender. You look great!” And the other two agreed again.

I could only say, “Well gosh ya’ll – I love this team-building thing!” hehe

I feel so blessed to have Jeanne as my boss and to have all the coworkers that I have. They are truly more than peers – they are my friends. While my job can be stressful (Whose isn’t, right?), I work at the coolest place in the world with the coolest people. The warmth and friendship I feel there cannot be duplicated.

Throughout this journey, my coworkers have been so supportive. They are excellent cheerleaders and they truly care about my well being. I know I am so blessed by them in more ways than I can count. Thank You God for the love and friendship I have at work.

Well, I need to go. My sexy man called to say he is on his way home from work. I can’t wait to see him!

We’re getting things finished up around the house tonight and the next few days in preparation for my folks. They will be here three nights from tonight!!! YAYYA!!

6.26.2005

Post-op Day 179 - Life is so good

What a fabulous night we had! Scott looked absolutely sexy as can be all dressed up and wearing his ponytail! I was so proud of him as I watched him usher everyone in. Scott has the best smile and the deepest eyes. I loved watching him interact with people. I sat there and thought, “That’s my handsome man.” Silly, I know. But, sometimes when you just take a moment to sit back and watch, you realize just how lucky you are.

I cried through the WHOLE wedding. It was absolutely the sweetest one ever. The couple is made for one another, and Scott and I are both so happy for them. I didn’t get to sit with Scott since he had duties, but I wish he had been there beside me. He said the wedding made him emotional too. I couldn’t wait to see him afterwards just to tell him I love him and our marriage.

The rest of the night was a blast. We were at the reception for about five hours. Haha I was the driver, so Scott could enjoy the excellent margaritas. I drank about a half of one. While I loved it and wanted more, I didn’t want to push it too much.

I also ate about five total bites of the wedding cake! Mmmmmmmmmmm That was a major step for me. I’ve yet to dump (knock on wood!), so I don’t have a clue as to what will push me over the edge. I took two bites and let it be. Then about a half hour later, I took a third. About two hours later, I took my final two bites. I have to say that MAN IT WAS SOOO GOOD! I don’t miss a lot of things, but bakery cake will forever be my favorite food! So, I was thrilled to still enjoy it in moderation without paying the price.

Finally, what was everyone’s response? Overwhelming! You just can’t imagine how many times you will hear compliments throughout this journey! I heard how great I look all night long. At first I use to get uncomfortable with it in the sense I didn’t know how to respond. My nature is to shrug off compliments. But now I just smile and give a genuine “thank you! I really appreciate that!” because I really do!

People are so interested in the surgery. Most will ask if I am feeling OK. I tell them I feel like a million dollars. I think they envision people being so sickly, you know? I’ve been sickly but not because of the surgery. Haha People are always amazed by how little I eat or how quickly the weight came off. I share my story with anyone who will listen. I am honest and I am enthusiastic. There’s so much negativity surrounding this surgery, so I work to give a fair and balanced version of a positive side.

Last night, a friend took two pics. One was just Scott and me; the other with Scott, me and the friend’s girlfriend. When he showed me the pics on his digital camera, I couldn’t believe how I looked. I hadn’t seen any pics with my hair cut off, so that was wild. But, more importantly, I couldn’t believe how small I looked – my face, my shoulders, my body! It was absolutely freaky! I looked that way in both of the pics, so I know it wasn’t a fluke. It was indeed shocking, you know? Scott said to me “It’s cuz you’re tiny!” haha NOT!

So, the rest of the night I posed for pics. I didn’t worry that I would look like a huge cow. I still might look big, but I knew it wouldn’t be shocking big like I use to feel at my highest weight. I now look more like how I felt inside while at my highest weight, if that makes sense. I never felt that big. Ever.

When we were dancing, I grabbed our friend Mike and started shaking my booty on his as a joke. He laughed and said, “Now you’re butt’s half the size of mine!” I was like “RIGHT! Baby’s still got back!” and we laughed. Guess what the next song was? You’re right – Baby’s Got Back. Haha It was fate!

…and a good time was had by all. hehe

On a related but unrelated note: Before the wedding, I ran to a gas station to get some Listerine Strips (I am paranoid about bad breath haha). Anyway, when I walked up to the counter, the lady (who I think was Middle Eastern) kept looking at me and asked if I was from Houston. I thought it was a weird question but I said: “Yes, but I am not from this part – I live down south.”

She goes, “ohhh I thought you were from England. The way you look – you’re hair and skin – everything.”
I thought that was so weird. I just said, “Nope – I live here!”

After she gave me my change, she said, “Here you go. You are gorgeous. Just gorgeous.”

I was speechless. That was such a nice thing to say! I said, “Awwwww that is SO sweet. Thank you!”

She said, “You really are.”

Life is so good. Thank You God!

6.25.2005

Post-Op Day 178 - A magical kinda day!

Yesterday was one of those magical days in a weight-loss journey. Knowing that I hit 100-pounds gone was an incredible feeling. On top of that, I got numerous compliments when I visited another department at work AND when I saw some friends last night at a wedding rehearsal dinner.

These friends hadn’t seen me since March, so they were like OMG you look great! Of course Scott hyping up my 100-pound loss probably got them worked into a frenzy. Hehe just kidding. I just love Scott thought for doing that. It makes me feel so good that he wants to tell everyone and share my victories.

I felt like a million dollars yesterday after all that. I work to let myself enjoy all this and not take it for granted. Sometimes it’s hard to do that – and it’s also hard to stop and just enjoy the moment. You so badly just want to be at the end of your journey, that it’s easy to just zoom past all the great milestones.

Last night was just wonderful in itself. Our friends Eric and Shanna are getting married today. Scott’s an usher in the wedding. So, we partook in the rehearsal dinner. It was great being there with Scott and our friends – eating, drinking, talking, laughing. Just really good times, you know?

I came home and went to bed. I was so tired. I am still tired, as Katie our dog wouldn’t let me go back to sleep after my alarm went off accidentally at 6 a.m. ugh. Scott and I have been busy bees this morning, as we work to get the house ready for my folks! I cannot WAIT for that!!

The scale had me at -99.5 today. I am not going to sweat it. I am saying I am 100 down. I saw it yesterday. I know it’s real. YAYYAYAYA.

Well, I better start thinking about getting ready for the wedding. I am so excited!

Oh P.S.! I stopped by Lane Bryant today to make a return. I wanted to see if there was anything at all I could get to wear to the wedding. They don’t have many dressy clothes, so I knew it was a stretch. The good news is that I am a solid 18/20 (mostly 18) there but I did also fit into some 14/16 tops!!!!!!! OMG I never dreamed that I would fit into a 14/16 anything!!! I was SO THRILLED!!!!! They still fit snug but I will take it! I just cannot wait to fit into “normal” sizes…my whole world will open up!

6.24.2005

Post-op Day 177 - Hitting the big 1-0-0!!!

This morning, the scale told me that I have hit 100 pounds gone.

I sit here in disbelief. I’ve only told Scott. I’m afraid to tell others in case it’s a fluke. I want to make sure the scale tells me that tomorrow.

Still, I have to say OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The feelings of seeing 224 on the scale were overwhelming. The first time I stepped on and saw the number, I looked and looked away. I couldn’t even accept it. It was so exciting, it overloaded my senses, you know?

I brushed my teeth – the whole time thinking, “Can it really be true??”

I got back on the scale, and sure enough, 224 came back up on the screen!! I just cannot believe it said 324 when I weighed 25 weeks ago. Well actually, I was too big to weigh on that scale. It was the other one I gave up in the first month or so when I could weigh on a normal scale again. God, thank You for all those seemingly minor victories that are so big in reality.

It’s been a whirlwind to say the least. I just cannot fathom that I’ve been lucky enough to get off 100 pounds! It’s truly a dream come true for me. I remember when Pam, Dr. N’s nurse, said to me, “Now when you lose 100 pounds…” I kept thinking, “Wow! That would be something, but nothing that great could happen to me.”

And it has. Thank You God!

I feel so blessed. Sometimes you don’t really appreciate your blessings as you should. I am working in my life right now to appreciate them to the fullest. My biggest blessing is my husband Scott. In this 100-pound loss, he has cheered me on, listened to me bitch, and helped me through the tough parts. I love him so very much and I thank God for him.

I’ve also had the blessing of so many wonderful friends. My top supporter is my friend Liz. She’s been my rock through all this and I love her to pieces. On top of that, I have amazing friends at work who encourage me day in, day out. I’ve also had my friend Donna and my bypass twin Diana – both who are special people.

I can’t forget my parents either. I didn’t know how they would really feel about me having this surgery, but they’ve been fantastic. They love me through it all. Next week they will arrive. I am so eager to hear what they have to say about my loss. They haven’t seen me this whole time. So, that’s going to be a mind trip for them.

I am eager to see if the scale shows the same thing tomorrow. If not, I know I am very close to being firmly planted in the Century Club. Wow. It just blows me away. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You God.

6.22.2005

ODDS ‘N ENDS (a recap of what’s been going on…)

This covers carious Post-Op Days. I’ve been remiss on what’s been going on in my life, so I wanted to catch things up…

Me? A size 16?

That’s right – at least in a bathing suit! I needed a bathing suit for a luau party in Dallas on June 11. I needed something tropical actually, but I thought a two-piece (not bikini of course) bathing suit would work – as I could wear the top with a skirt.

I went to Fashion Bug. I thought, “Dare I try a size 20?” Well, they fit – with room! I found one I loved but it was a size 16. I thought – what the heck! I’ll try it! Guess what? It fit perfect!! I couldn’t believe the size I was staring at! I haven’t been a size 16 anything since high school! I have to say – it looked pretty flattering on me too!

For the record, seeing my friends in Dallas was wonderful! Three people (including one I know really well) didn’t recognize me at first! My friend I was with who didn’t know me at my highest weight asked me, “What is it like not be recognized?” Freaky is all I can tell ya! Haha

My first chocolate craving!

It finally hit me…the first time I reallllllllllly wanted chocolate! I was driving looking for a shopping mall and I just had this overwhelming sense that I wanted chocolate! At first I wanted Reece Cups. Then I realized I wanted Hostess Cupcakes! Isn’t that funny?

It’s so wild because when those would strike me before surgery, I would just pull right into a gas station and satisfy my craving. That senseless eating, you know? This time I had that powerful psychological tool that told me, “If you do that, you will get so sick!”

I’ve yet to dump, so the fear of it keeps me scared straight. I HATE being sick and out of control. Have I said how much I LOVE that I have had this surgery?? It forces me to deal with my emotions (good and bad). It also forces me to ride out cravings and come up with healthier solutions.

So what did I do? I remembered Dairy Queen has no-sugar added sweets. So I found one, and I inquired. They have quite a variety in fact. I first ordered a no-sugar added fudge bar. Then I realized I wanted to get Scott something. So, I thought – I will give him that one and I ordered myself a Dreamcicle bar. I thought “I don’t want to give myself chocolate when I am craving it this bad. I want to give myself a more sour but sweet taste to counterbalance it.”

Weird, I know. Haha But it worked. The orange-vanilla treat hit the spot – and I could barely eat it all.

Now don’t get me wrong…I will eat some chocolate. At work, one of my employees had these peanut butter-chocolate individual candies. I read the package and saw I could have two for 10g of sugar. That’s my limit. I will eat on whatever I can have for 10g or less. I know I can tolerate more, but it’s just a nice limit. I am sure I’ve pushed things if they say 12g or so, but the general rule I live by is 10g or less.

Doing things still lets me eat like a “normal” person. I don’t want to deprive myself totally. If I do, then there will come a day when I just snap because I’ve felt so held down. Now, I just go through life sampling things here and there. I’ve always been a picky eater, so it’s not like I am holding myself back much. I’ve just created a new world of picky eating that’s healthier for me.

My how things change…

I know I eat little now compared to before, but I don’t think I realized just how quickly I get full until Scott and I ate at Cracker Barrel recently.

I haven’t been to one since the surgery. In fact, I have only been to Cracker Barrel once or twice in the past five years. Don’t get me wrong - I love that place! But there’s not one really close to us, so I never think about going.

When I was married before, my ex-husband and I would go to them at least once or twice a month. I used to eat the chicken and dumplings all up, most of the mashed potatoes and at least two biscuits before my meal, and at least one – or even two more – during dinner. We’d even get dessert sometimes. On top of that, I would drink a large whole milk. Sure I would feel stuffed and uncomfortable, but I just couldn’t help myself. It was such good eatin’! No wonder I weighed 324 pounds!

Well, this time I went, I got the chicken and dumplings, mashed potatoes and mac and cheese. They didn’t bring biscuits out until dinner was served. When the food arrived, it seemed like the plate was kind of small – not the huge portions I remembered. My first reaction was one of mild disappointment. Then I realized, “I can’t eat all this anyway! What am I thinking!” haha

I ate a sliced piece of chicken and then a bite of potatoes. I ate a few bites of cornbread. I started feeling the pouch get full. I ate another sliced piece of chicken, a few dumplings (they were awesome!), another bite of potatoes and a bite or two of mac and cheese. I also managed to eat half a biscuit in all that. After that point, I felt like I was going to explode. Haha I couldn’t believe it. My food didn’t even look touched!

I sat there while Scott ate thinking and talking about how I cannot believe how little I eat now! I ate a few small bites of dumplings, but that’s all I could muster. I truly felt like I had eaten a HUGE Thanksgiving meal!

Afterwards, I wanted something sweet. My habit at Cracker Barrel is to buy some goody for the road. This time, all I could find within my sugar range were these meringue cookies. I could have six of them for 7g of sugar. I ate two and that’s all I wanted.

For most of the way home, I felt stuffed. I marveled at the difference this surgery makes. I never really compared my eating before and after until that one. It was a real eye opener in a great way. I think of how much healthier my body must be now that I am not loading it up with so much food – unhealthy food at that. The moderation this surgery has brought to my life is absolutely amazing.

A new look for me!

I went to an awards banquet a few weeks ago. Before I left, I was so frustrated with my hair. It just looked so damn thin and gross at the bottom. I tried to fix it and thought I did fine. However, I saw some pics of me taken there that made me want to hide. The backlighting showed how horribly thin it had gotten. I knew I needed a change.

So on Monday, June 20, I did it: I got a new haircut! She chopped it in this sassy style that comes right to my jaw in the front. The back is cut a little higher. When I first saw it, I loved it.

Then, as I drove home, I suddenly felt huge and conspicuous! I didn’t realize how much the hair going just past my shoulders allowed me to feel kinda hidden. To feel exposed made me feel fat.

Scott said he liked my hair when I got home. Of course, I wouldn’t let it die. So I kept asking. He told me the more I asked, the less favorable his response would be because he would be annoyed by my question. Lol I understood. I just explained that I was feeling insecure with it.

When I went to work the next day, it was like WOW! Everyone went nuts over my hair!! They said it looked so full and everyone is calling me “Sassy!” haha Several people told me it really accented my weight loss – one person even said it made me look 10 pounds lighter!

Later that day, I attended a small birthday gathering for the 1-year-old daughter of my astronaut friend Mike Fincke and his wife Renita. They wanted to thank those of us who supported them when she was born. Mike was living aboard the space station at the time, and it was the first baby born to an astronaut while living in space. It was a great event! I can’t even believe it’s been a year.

They hadn’t seen me since surgery. Well, Mike was late because he’s doing a lot with return to flight. But, when he walked in, he went past everyone and walked right up to me and goes, “You look GREAT!” That and the sassy hair really made my day! Haha

People were digging my hair too the rest of the week. I kept forgetting it looked different, so when I would see someone I hadn’t seen – they made a big deal about it like people did the day after it was cut. Haha I should have done it sooner! I do miss it being longer. I felt sexier with it longer (before the hair started falling out), but I am enjoying being sassy for right now. Haha It’s fitting my new attitude.

A new me inside too…

Finally, I need to be honest. The past two weeks have been the most stressful in my life I think. I am not going to give a lot of details, but just know it’s been horribly hard to face and work through my personal issues and insecurities.

In many ways, while excruciatingly painful, it’s been a blessing to get these problems out in the open. It’s been cleansing and liberating to face my internal struggles in the light and truly analyze and work on them.

I know my struggles don’t define who I am as a person – so I refuse to do that to myself. We all have our dark sides that we loathe. I know as a whole, I am person who is genuine and good – as we all basically are. I am just working on loving the genuine and good person I am, and I am working on understanding the person who struggles too. I am not going to hide her away and secretly beat her up anymore. I am going to help her be healthy.

Being overweight my entire life has truly shaped me and my inner makeup. The issues run deep – more deeply than I realized I think. I’ve been someone who has embraced herself in many ways. I think I accepted the fact that I was big and I was going to make my way in the world unapologetically. I’ve always wanted people to understand that everyone needs acceptance – and it shouldn’t be contingent on a number on the scale.

I feel I’ve done a lot in my life to ensure those who at least have encountered me understood that fact. I’ve helped people see the beauty in full-figured people, and I’ve worked to be the bridge to prove that sexy comes in all sizes. I’ve flaunted my sexuality and sensuality to the max – and I found that many people loved it.

I truly realized that full-figured people hold themselves back more than they are willing to accept. By not living up to their looks and potential, they present an image that has made it hard for the rest of the world to embrace. The walls, the negativity – it all is a turn-off.

I am not saying that it’s all the fault of full-figured people. Not at all. People are cruel. I just think it’s not one-sided either – and overweight people have to take the chip off their shoulders too to allow a balance to be achieved.

So, what does all this mean? Well, as much as I convinced so many around me throughout the years that I am different, I matter, I am sexy, I am worthy, I am beautiful – I don’t think I’ve convinced myself of those things. In fact, I’ve spent my life trying to find that acceptance in the wrong ways.

For years, I’ve struggled to accept myself as much as I know others accepted me. I’ve had a constant need for attention and, even though I have received it in abundance, it never seemed to be enough. I can be hit on all day long, yet I still feel unattractive. I can be told 100 times that I am pretty, but I just struggle to see it. I can be told I am desirable repeatedly, but I look at myself in the mirror and pick myself apart and I feel inferior to others.

So, I think I’ve wanted to hear it all more and more with an inner hope that maybe it will finally magically click in my brain. Sadly though, I’ve equated attention to being accepted. The need for attention can become an addiction indeed when your self-image is so low. It’s not that you love yourself so much you gotta keep hearing it for the high – it’s more that you don’t love yourself enough that you’re in a constant search of an ultimate fix that never occurs. So you keep seeking it in more ways – many of which aren’t healthy.

I am such a dichotomy. In some ways, I have incredible self-esteem and I blow people away with my confidence. But in other ways, my self-confidence is in ruins and I live with a feeling of nagging insecurity. I feel I am in touch with who I am and live life with great purpose; but in some ways, I am so out of touch with myself I can’t believe it. My actions have been so mindless at times I can’t even explain them. It’s like an out-of-body experience that makes no sense on the surface to me or anyone else.

As much as I have loved to show off, I have been extremely self conscious of the way I look for all my life and can be quite shy. As much as I have loved to showcase my body in pictures, for me to show myself intimately in person has always been a struggle and I have always had anxiety about it. As sexual as my mind is, my sensuality in person is not as robust as I know it can be because I can’t transfer thoughts into reality often times. I am an ultra-conservative wild woman! *smile*

On top of all this, I struggle with my ADD. So when I am bored or stressed or avoiding an overwhelming situation, my thought process gets outta whack and can be compulsive. I work to control it, but sometimes it just does get outta whack and I ride it out.

I live much of life vicariously through my imagination and fantasies. My imagination has always been light-years ahead of my true actions. That’s actually been a good thing for the most part because I am not compulsive in that way as I am with food. Thank God for that. Where I need to work on things is in not keeping myself so bottled up inside; I need to be channeling that energy appropriately to real life with my husband.

Luckily, we’ve worked hard to examine where we both need to adjust our lives so I can feel more comfortable in doing so. We’re working to meet in the middle and we’re both working on opening ourselves up to each other. We’re creating a safe environment for each other where I now feel he’s focused on me and I can focus on him.

For so long, we’ve done our own thing. The first few years, I think I resented it and felt rejected in some ways. Then I grew to embrace it…so much that I believe I had emotionally distanced myself from him and just went inside myself. Of course I’ve loved him and adored him totally – I know that’s obvious. I know he felt the same about me too.

I just think I got use to being a married lone wolf as he did. We’re now working on creating a new life that includes building a new foundation that’s focused solely on us. We both just have to let go of the past and zero in on creating a new us that will be much stronger.

I have been going through a major physical transformation the past six months – and I am doing well with it. So, I am now ready for a major emotional transformation. I am ready to let myself be vulnerable and let myself really open up and be an active part of a couple. I know it sounds weird for someone who is already married. But, it’s a big deal for me. I am ready to live in reality and have fun doing it.

I am also ready to let myself enjoy life, enjoy my home, enjoy my husband and enjoy myself. Sometimes it is just hard to enjoy the good stuff in life – especially when you’ve spent your whole life as an overweight person compensating for the hurts, the fear, the pain, the rejection and the feeling that you don’t really belong. You just have to let that go. You can only lick your wounds for so long. It’s time to release that and work to build your new reality.

It’s a scary feeling to let go, to look at yourself and to examine why you do the things you do and why you behave the way you do. However, it’s exciting too. I now feel a sense of excitement as I work to conquer the darkness that weighed heavier than I ever imagined for all my life.

Why am I writing all this and exposing my soul? Because I want anyone who is on this journey or considering it to know that your perspective on life does change and you have to face the ugly stuff in life sooner or later. If you don’t, you’re going to keep on sabotaging yourself just as you have done in the past. The tool will only work so long. You have to accept the fact that you have issues you MUST face.

Trust me – it’s much easier to just keep going through life mindlessly doing the same destructive things. You get use to them. You can ever become oblivious to them. However, that doesn’t mean the destruction isn’t tearing you up inside. It is. You have to face your demons.

I encourage you to not be afraid. Instead, look at it with a sense of empowerment. What have you been tolerating about yourself and others? What needs to change? What is holding you back? What will push you forward in the right way?

I am a positive, upbeat person by nature and inside of me is a truly joyful person who always has hope that God wants the best for each of us. I believe He will ensure that our future will be good and right. It won’t be perfect and it probably won’t turn out as we imagine, but I do believe He will make it better than we can imagine if we just trust in Him.

So, I am choosing to see all this as good stuff that needed to happen. Have I hated looking at myself so closely and intimately? Of course. Have I hated the pain involved? More than I could ever express here. Have I felt that it has brought me closer to my husband and to myself? Extremely.

Many times you have to go through the most painful, horrible feelings to get through to real message of desire, hope and happiness. Once you get there and uncover what it is you really want in life, you can wash off the residue of ugliness that was piled on top of it from past hurts and fears and needs. You can focus on making the good stuff come true.

I am committed to making my marriage work better than ever and I am committed to making ME work better than ever too. There’s no promise for success on either part; but I know if I do my best, what is suppose to happen will happen. I will accept that God just had a different plan in mind. But honestly, I believe this has all been part of His plan and I am on the right track – probably more so than I have ever been in my life.

6.15.2005

Post-Op Day 172 - Knock, knock, knocking on 100's door

Well, here I am…knocking on Century Club door. It’s going painfully s-l-o-w to get there. I lost a whopping 5 pounds last weekend to push me to 95 pounds gone - so that spoiled me totally.

The rest of the week I have flirted with 95.5 and 96 pounds gone. Yesterday I was 96 pounds gone and now this morning I am back to 95. Funny, yesterday I worked my ass off cleaning the house and I didn’t eat a lot. You’d think I’d drop a ton.

I cannot WAIT to hit the 100 mark! I know all of us who have this surgery feel that way. We qualified for the surgery because we had AT LEAST 100 pounds to lose. So, to know you got that huge chunk off is psychologically powerful. Of course 95 pounds is a huge number too and I am so thankful for it. I mean, it’s insane that I could lose 95 pounds in just 24 weeks! OMG it’s a miracle!

I still struggle with not seeing the loss a lot of times. I guess it’s just happened so quickly that my mind hasn’t caught up with my body. I mean, I know I’ve lost weight. But, it still freaks me out when I put on something I was wearing 24 weeks ago and it swallows me. Where did I go, you know?? I’m definitely NOT complaining! Hehe

New support group at work

The gastric bypass support group I started at work is going really well. I love how we have people in all stages – from curious to the plastic surgery phase.

I love helping people and being helped. Peer support is just so essential in this journey. So is giving back what you’ve received. I talk to people all day long about my surgery. I am proud that I took control of my life, and if I can educate the public and even possibly help save another life like mine was saved – then it’s worth sharing all the details of my journey.

6.05.2005

Post-Op Day 158 - Hitting the big time!

Where did this weekend go? Scott was out of town, so I was a bachelorette. Man I missed him. The house is so lonely without him.

I went out Friday night and had a blast though. I have my usual bar that I hang out at, so I look forward to seeing everyone each week. It's such a long drive (45 minutes one way), but I've never found a place that I enjoy more than there.

Everyone who has gone out with me knows that I love to shake my sexy big a$$. I'm a party girl in every sense of the word. I've been that way even at my highest weight. Now that I am dropping weight, it just gets more and more fun. :-)

I am still feeling great after the cancer scare. Yes, I am still apprehensive about having another surgery, but I can handle it. I can handle the scar too. I just am scared of the potential partial facial paralysis. The doctor said to trust him - so I will. God has carried me through so much already, I know He will guide the surgeon's hand on this one too.

Hitting the big time

Well yesterday I did it - I hit 90 pounds gone!!! I thought it might be a fluke, but sure enough this morning, I was down 90.5! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe that I have lost 90 pounds! I thought for sure I would be the one that failed at this surgery. I cannot believe in less than six months, I am down 90 pounds!

I cannot imagine how excited I will feel when I hit 100 if I feel this excited at 90! :-) I know I say it over and over, but this surgery is a miracle! I think of all the years I spent loathing myself and berating myself for not dropping the pounds. I think of how scared I was that my weight kept climbing, and I couldn't get my eating under control to stop the cycle. I think of how every summer I would think "next summer I will be smaller and healthier" but then the next summer would come, and I would be the same or bigger.

There are so many things like that. I had no idea how much being that overweight bothered and scared me. Now that I am getting smaller, I know that it did. Very much so. I am now able to be the me on the outside that I have been on the inside. I hope that makes sense.

More and more compliments

My weight loss is still drawing lots of compliments and comments. My new victory jeans, I'm told, are looking too baggy in the butt. They're not baggy to me...but I dunno. It's so hard to gauge what really fits and what doesn't. Everything that fits seems so tight. But that's when people go wild over my loss. I am loving the compliments though. I am so blessed. I know I say that all the time, but I never want to be ungrateful for this new lease on life.

Hair loss...

I have to say that this week, I've noticed a decrease in the hair that comes out while in the shower. I don't have as much wrapping around my fingers. It's still coming out really easy when I brush it and put styling products in my hair. However, I will take what I can get, you know?

I don't know if it is slowing down on its own or if it is the Nioxin I am using. I am hoping it's doing it on its own, obviously. I feel like my hair looks thin - but when I see pics of me, it doesn't look too thin. Also, others say it is looking good. It's just very disturbing to have your hair come out in abundance. Ugh.

This week

I have lots of meetings it seems. I wanted to go to Dallas this coming weekend, but I don't think I will. I need to start getting the house organized. Mom and Dad will be here the 29th! I am sooooooooo excited to see them! I keep wondering what it will be like for them. I want to have Scott scan some photos of me with my folks from last year, and then we'll take some this year. I HATE the pics from last year.

Other than that, I am hoping for a low-key week. I need one. I do have an awards banquet I am going to on Thursday. I need to find myself a dazzling outfit to show off my new shape. I can also wear it to a wedding later on this month. :-)

Thank You God for Your many blessings. Please bless all of us on this journey - no matter what phase each person is in.