Post-Op Day 212: Catching up!!

Hello! I know I've been Missing in Action the past few days.

As I type this, I have on NASA TV and I am listening as the astronauts finish up their first space walk. This has been quite an emotional week. It's been a roller coaster ride indeed.

The launch on Tuesday was absolutely one of the most exhilarating moments in my life. Sitting in the auditorium there at Johnson Space Center with the people of the space program was such a humbling experience and one I don't take for granted. I've been there now for 4 1/2 years, I still feel the awe when I drive through the gates in the morning, and I will forever be the Space Program's supporter.

I've seen a launch in person (Columbia's last completed mission in fact) and I've watched one in Mission Control. Both were almost overwhelming. However, I think Tuesday's launch truly did overwhelm me. As soon as Discovery lifted off the pad, I couldn't help but clap, scream "Go! Go!" and cry. All of us in there were in this overwhelmed state of emotion!

Normally, we don't clap until about 7 minutes into the launch during MECO - Main Engine Cut Off. It's a tradition because at that point, the launch is deemed a success. However, this time, nobody could hold in their response to seeing Discovery leave that pad. I still get chills just remembering it. I watched the replay over and over and over. It was a memory I will cherish forever.

So, for us to find that the ET shed foam again and everything else that keeps unfolding, it has been depressing beyond belief. To go from such a feeling of victory to such a feeling of horrible de ja vu - it's terrible. We just keep plugging away and doing our jobs, but there is a sense of uneasiness in all of our stomachs. Well, at least mine anyway.

I have to work today and tomorrow in fact - even though it's the weekend. I am working with the media, assisting them with interviews. I don't mind working. It's only for a few hours and I want to be a part in anyway possible.

So...that's that. If I don't write a lot, you know why. I am just kind of emotionally drained now.

Perfection! ;-)

On Thursday, I had my six-month check up with Dr. Naaman - even if it was a day before my seven-month anniversary. :-)

I was really nervous to hear what my bloodwork would show. However, I knew it was all OK when Dr. N walked in with a HUGE smile on his face. He is generally a serious man, so to see him smile told me I was getting good news.

My friend Liz asked how it went and I wrote her the following synopsis. I figured I could just post it here:

He said I am the epitome of a "perfect patient." He said I am absolutely perfect in my weight loss, vitamin levels, cholesterol levels, blood count and liver functions. He was proud of me for wearing a pedometer and walking, and he was thrilled I started a support group at work. He said I couldn't be more perfect if I tried.

I asked about my B-12 levels. He said I could take the sublingual if I wanted, but I am right in the healthy range. So, I guess two Flintstones a day really works!

He and Pam looked at my belly and basically "ooooh"'d and "aaaah"'d it - saying it looked wonderful. I don't even know what they were looking at though!

I took him some NASA stuff and he was like a kid in a candy shop. Seriously. He was giddy. As I was leaving, he hugged me and was laughing - telling me I'm the best. I've never seen him that jovial in my life!

So that's that! I was sooooooooooooooo elated! I feel so very blessed. Thank you God for protecting me in this journey.

Happy seven months to me!
Well, yesterday was my seven-month anniversary. I cannot believe how quickly it's flying by now! The scale has been moving. Yesterday I weighed in at 217, though today I am at 218. Regardless, it's finally out of those 220s! I felt like I was stuck in the 220s FOREVER! I know I wasn't but it felt like it. haha

Yesterday, Katie and I took our longest walk ever. We walked through the neighborhood next to ours. Dr. N said to break out of my plateau, I need to start walking longer than I am now. Today she and I went even farther. I am enjoying those longer walks. I remember the last time I walked in the other neighborhood when I was much heavier (months before my surgery) - I about passed out! This time, I walked that far and then much more with no real problem.

My left foot still is hurting, but I try to ignore it and keep walking. I am going to the podiatrist Monday. I hope it's nothing major.

I so want to keep losing the weight, so the walking is not only enjoyable but gives me hope that I can keep on moving down the scale. I still can't disregard how far I've come. I've loved saying farewell to the 320s, 310s, 300s, 290s, 280s, 270s, 260s, 250s, 240s, 230s, 220s! WOW!

Today I logged into my old Weight Watchers profile for the message boards. I had my weight info listed as 313.2/313.2/299.

It was wild to see that! I thought I was huge at 313.2 (and I was) but I still wound up gain 10 pounds more before I had the surgery. And, to see my goal as 299, it blew me away. I remember thinking, "If I could just get under 300 again, I will feel so much better."

Now, here I sit at 218 and my current weight info is: 324/218/155. Simply AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toni becomes a BUTTERFLY!!!!

Finally, I am PLEASE TO ANNOUNCE that Toni began her transformation Wednesday! Yup, she did it - she's on the other side!!!!!!! I went to see her Thursday and she was in wonderful shape! She seems to have had a lot less pain than Deandra and I did. I am so happy for her!

She went home from the hospital yesterday - so the hard part physically is over hopefully. Now comes the psychological part. I know she will do fabulous as always.

I am just so excited for her! I know the wonderful times she is about to experience - the changes, the compliments, the sense of real accomplishment! Sure there are challenges - but once you face them and overcome them, you feel so strong. This surgery does so many wonderful things for your ego and self-esteem.

Thank You God for protecting Toni through her surgery. Please protect all those who are to come.

***
Ok I need to get ready for work. That sounds so weird to say on Saturday. haha I will write when I can! xoxoox

Post-Op Day 208: Crazy day

Good evening...

What a crazy day today. Tomorrow we're scheduled again to launch, so today was a bunch of craziness as I worked to get all my people in place for their various assignments. The day wasn't bad - just filled with me trying to direct traffic that was coming at me every which way.

I am tired. ~sigh~

I soooooooooooooooooooooooooo hope we launch tomorrow. I wish I felt more excitement; however, I think when our hopes were dashed last time, it just took something out of me. I am sure tomorrow I will feel it all again.

Other than that, I have nothing really to report. My eating was pretty ok. I had my carnation in the morning (18 grams of protein cuz I mix it with Mootopia), a protein bar for a snack, some skinless roasted chicken, a few animal crackers, half of another protein bar, a handful of Goldfish and the equivalent of two slices of pepperoni pizza. I didn't graze today, though I was hungry. My biggest area I could have improved upon was getting in more water. I was so swamped, I didn't even feel compelled to get up and get the water.

Right now I feel absolutely stuffed from the pizza. I also feel drained. I am sure the carbs from the crust are making me drowsy. I think I am going to go and soak in the tub. Scott's going to see Hank Williams III tonight, so I will be home alone. Since I have to get up early (at least by 4:45 or 5), I might just go to bed super-duper early to pamper my body.

Blessings to everyone....
Me

P.S. Diana - I updated my journal just because of you.

Superstar!

Last night I took some photos of myself before going out - just as I have done in the past. This time, though, I fooled around with the pics in PhotoShop and created more artier pics than I normally have. I wanted to share them here.

Ok... Before I show the arty ones, I will show you what I actually looked like last night...

Ok here's the rest...

And you know me...I have to do some comparison photos. haha The Before pics are from a photo shoot I did in February 2004. I wasn't at my highest weight then...I'd say about 295.

Ok and here is a comparison between me now and me in February of this year (or one year after the above Before pics). In this Before pic, I was about 38 days post-op and I weighed approximately 70 pounds more than I do now. Incidentally, I weighed about 7-10 pounds less in this Before pic than I did in the above Before pics...

Post-op Day 207: Enjoying my new life!

Good morning!

Ouch! My head hurts! haha As most gastric bypass patients will say: We're super cheap drunks. haha I went out last night to my favorite bar in the world, drank a Long Island Iced Tea and woooooo! I was toasted! I got a second one, but I had my friend Mark drink the remaining 3/4 of it. He bought it for me, so technically it should be his anyway, right?

The good thing about the quick drunkedness is that I sober up pretty quick too. Regardless, my rule is to stop drinking by midnight. It gives me time to dance, sweat and get sober. The thing about me though is that, even when I am sober, people think I am drunk because I am a total party girl. I know that's hard to believe. haha

A new me!
I had sooo much fun last night! I wore an outfit that I've had for a while and never worn out. I think it really showed off my weight loss well. I feel sexy in it - and I didn't fixate on how fat my arms and legs looked. I just enjoyed being smaller and feeling great!

My friend Norma who hadn't seen me in about a month and half couldn't believe how much I had changed in just that time. My friend Rhonda said the same thing. Norma just kept going on and on about how I've changed. Norma's husband Marty told me several times I look fabulous.

My friend Mark told me I was by far the prettiest woman there (even though he didn't like my choice of hairstyles haha). If you recall, he's the oblivious guy (in the party hat pic in the previous post) who just noticed my weight loss - so I take that as a true compliment. haha Mark is brilliant but very non-emotional about things. He states things as facts. He doesn't know the art of bullshitting and his bluntness often pisses people off. But, when he gives an observation, you know he's analyzed his decision before making it. In this case, it worked in my favor.

I also saw a guy who hadn't seen me about two years who used to be the DJ there. He was like, "Kitty, you've lost a lot of weight, haven't you?" I laughed and said, "Yeah 104 pounds!" He was like, "You were hot before but man - you look incredible."

I use to think I would hate hearing all that stuff. I use to think it would seem so shallow and I would think, "What was wrong with me before???" But, for whatever reason, I am ok with it now that I am hearing this more and more. I've come to terms with the fact that I know I was fine as a person just the way I was before the weight loss. I was sexy, smart, funny as-is. People liked me then. People like me now. I know I do physically look better than before now that I am smaller and healthier - it's just the way things are. It's nothing against the old me and I've come to terms with that. She was who I was, and I will love her for making me the person I am today. Anyway...enough of that.

My foot felt better yesterday, so I was able to dance and dance in between my socializing. haha I love going there because I know the staff and the regulars. So, I feel right at home. I know that I can be who I am there. I am not shy or insecure. Hell, I danced up on the stage with the pole several times. I never thought I could dance the pole to "You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin', Darlin" - but leave it to me to find a way! haha It's all fun and I cherish those times when I can get dressed up sexy, go, dance, socialize and laugh and laugh. It's all good!

Surprise! Surprise!
I did have a nice surprise on the scale this morning. I was down to 218.5! I can't believe I saw the teens on my scale! That has me at -105.5. Since I could be dehydrated or whatever, I am not going to put much hope into that number until I see it on my scale again tomorrow. haha I know how that roller coaster goes.

You know what's weird is that I didn't obsess on eating yesterday. In fact, I ate more than I usually do. For instance, Scott and I rarely get pizza anymore. It's been maybe two months since we had one delivered.

Before, I could only eat the cheese and pepperoni toppings (for the protein). Yesterday, I ate the equivalent of a slice and a half - thin crust and all. Granted, it filled me up big time. But still... I also stopped and got a personal chicken quesadilla from Taco Cabana on the way home. I ate maybe three or four wedges with sour cream on the way home - definitely more than I usually do!

So...I eat "big people" food, and I lose weight. haha Maybe I wasn't eating enough before?? It's all so crazy but I am not complaining! I am just grateful to have stopped bouncing around the 222-224 pound range. UGH! I just don't want to go back there again!

I cannot tell you how excited I am to think that, today at least, I am just 19 pounds away from being in Onderland!!!!! OMG - to me, besides hitting goal, that is the ULTIMATE victory on this journey. I cannot even fathom weighing in the 100s! My goal is to hit that by Halloween!

A revelation

Yesterday I had a revelation - an epiphany of sorts, if you will.

For so long, my ultimate size was a 14/16. To me, it still represented being a Big Beautiful Woman (BBW) but it was the smallest size I could be to still hold that title. I always thought it would be awesome because I would be in the smallest sizes in the plus-size stores. I always saw tons of 14/16s on the rack. I thought, "Man, if I were that size, I would have all the pickings!"

An even bigger reason why I wanted to be that size is because most plus-size models are 14s. Some are 10s and 12, but many are 14s. So, getting into 14/16s always represented to me the time where I would truly qualify to be a plus-size model - one of my major goals in life for the longest time.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think I am all that. I just always felt that I represent the plus-size woman with joy, zest and energy. I always thought that would come out in photos. I am actually very self-conscious about my looks; but, for whatever reason, plus-size modeling always appealed to me. I did a little in the past, but nothing serious.

Anyway, all my sights were focused on being a 14/16. It was the end destination. As much as I look at the Before and After photos and see people actually normal size, I don't know that I have ever gotten a vision of me beyond a size 14/16. Sure, I've longed to fit in smaller-sized clothes and to have my shape look slimmer, but I don't think I ever truly saw a life for me in sizes smaller than 14/16.

Now that I am in 14/16s, things are not really as I envisioned. My body is definitely not shaped for plus-size modeling. Perhaps if I had my plastic surgery now (breast lift and implants, lower body lift and arms done), I could qualify. But, that's not happening at this moment. So, I am not even going to think about that anymore. haha

I guess I also never envisioned me with so much chubbiness and being able to fit into 14/16s, XLs and Ls in some stores. I have 63.5 pounds to lose to hit my goal of 155. That means I am going to get into smaller sizes. I am going to look even smaller. I am going to BE even smaller.

And because I never really saw beyond this point, I think I panicked or just stalled out.

Sure I was 180 in high school. I thought I was hugely fat - even though I was just 25 to 30 pounds overweight. I didn't really know what to do, so I kinda just ignored my weight problem and just had a general hatred for my size.

In college, I was in the 220s - and that's when I really started paying attention to my weight. It's also where I started to embrace my fat girl-ness and strutting my stuff regardless of my size. From that point on, I was all about embracing myself as a sexy big girl.

So, I am now moving into a weight range that is totally new to me in many ways. The 220s and higher were all familiar territory because I've known them as an adult. Where I am now is not familiar. I've not been this size as an adult.

And that's why I think I got stuck. I've talked before about how this is my second phase, but I don't think I realized just how much that is true. This second phase is taking me places I've been but don't remember. So really, it's all new and different. It's scary.

I've already heard from two people that I don't look like a BBW anymore - I look like "normal" people now. That is the wildest thing to hear. I am gradually becoming someone I haven't met before.

I think I am ready to meet and even become her, but I'm not sure. I do like who she is at the moment. I will give her that. She is still me - just with more pizazz. I didn't think I could add more flash to my already flashy personality, but I am finding ways. It's funny though - the flash is coming from the inside. Not in bursts of light, but in small subtle ways that are comfortable yet fun.

I am working on embracing the new me, and I am working on letting go of my fears of the unknown. So far this journey hasn't disappointed me - so why should I fear the rest of it will be? Therefore, I need to let go and trust. I need to trust God. I need to trust the plan that my life is on. Finally, I just need to trust me.

It's funny - in some ways I so badly want the changes to hurry. The plateau proved that. But, in my epiphany, I realized that maybe I haven't wanted the changes deep down inside like I thought I did. Maybe I've been holding myself back more than I realize out of fear and uncertainty on how to even proceed into new territory, you know?

I am sure my body has been reacting to that. Sure, I realize the weight loss will slow down now that I hit 100 and I am past six months. Still, I think my body knows more than I think it knows.

Well, I want to say that I am ready. I realize I am on the threshold of something totally new for my life. I take a deep breath and press onward...

I'm official!

Thanks to my bypass twin Diana, I learned today that www.obesityhelp.com gave me an official Before and After pics page! How exciting!!!!!!!!!!!! Those Before and After pics have inspired me more than anything else I"ve found online in this journey!!!

I use to think how I couldn't WAIT to have my pics represented on there. And now, here I am! I was thinking today how this journey all seems like a dream. Granted, it would be the best dream ever - but still a dream. THANK YOU GOD that it's a reality!!!

Ok here's my Before and After pics page...even though I am far from After.
http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/bandafter.phtml?Member_ID=D1056071756

Here's the little pic they have for me when I post to the message boards..

Here's Diana's Before and After pics page....
http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/bandafter.phtml?Member_ID=C1115323774

And here's her little pic:

What a great day!

Today my team and I gave Toni a surprise luncheon to celebrate her gastric bypass surgery next Wednesday!! I wanted to write about it here in my blog, but I couldn't in case she read it. haha

She thought she was just going to lunch with Deandra and I (with fellow team member Dee tagging along). However, when we arrived at Olive Garden, about 20 people were there for her. She was shocked to say the least. It was awesome! Everyone is so very happy for her - myself included.

The theme was, of course, butterflies, since they represent our metamorphosis. It truly was a special time! Below are some photos from today's event!

Here's the shocked guest of honor wearing her butterfly headband :-)

Below are some photos of most of my beautiful team members. Don't hate us 'cuz we're beautiful! Hehe

Joanne and Kendra

Jenny and Deandra
(Deandra had gastric bypass a month after me
and is down more than 85 pounds)

Katie and Johannes
(Johannes was on my team until a week ago but we still claim him
p.s. They're brother and sister if you can't tell)

Debbie and Mark
(Mark's not on my team but I did name him our Official Water Boy)

Deandra and Katie

Believe it or not...I have even more beautiful people on my team: Delicia, Tiffany and Brad. Brad couldn't make the party and the lighting sucked on Tiff and Dee's photos. :-( I think I will shoot more posed pics of all my team members so I can show them all off. (I'm not biased or anything!)

Below are some more pics of the festivities...

Mark looking festive...

Deandra made the cake without a mold! Amazing!

This is Marshall - he was the Maid of Honor at my wedding. I love him so much!

This is April. She's in our at-work support group. She is almost three months out and she is down over 40 pounds from the surgery...in addition she lost 20 before the surgery. Yay April!

Here's me!

Here's me looking silly as I show off the butterfly hair barrette that Dee bought for all the girls to wear in their hair for the party.

It's the Butterfly Girls together...April, Deandra, Toni and me. :-)

Next step...A new life :-)

Post-op Day 205: Catching up

Hi there...

I don't have a lot of time to write. I just wanted to write what I could.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling extremely blah and down - as you can tell from my last post. The plateau is very hard psychologically. I think it is for anyone on this journey. However, I just kept on pushing forward. Writing what I wrote was very therapeutic because it allowed me to fully understand why it bothers me when people say, "But you've lost 100 pounds!"

I had my blood test done. They took like six vials of blood because Dr. N wants all kinds of results - a regular blood screen with various other vitamins being looked at like B1, B6 and B12. I think my folic acid is being checked too. I am glad he's looking at all that. I know how vitamin deficiencies can creep up quickly.

I made my appointment to go see Dr. N. I go next Thursday for a 4:10 appointment. My plan is to see him and then just hang around and shop at the mall until our 7 p.m. support group meeting.

I also made a podiatrist appointment. My left foot is getting worse. I seriously think I have a fractured bone or bones. I can barely walk on it. I did something to it at least 9 months ago. I tried to ignore it and work through it at first. Then I had my surgery, and I told myself maybe the weight loss would help. Plus, with all my medical stuff going on, I never even wanted to address it. But, back then, it was more nagging pain than anything. Well, the last week or so (since I started to push more exercise), it's taken a turn for the worse. Now it hurts so bad all the time. So, we'll see how it turns out.

Yesterday was our support group meeting at work. Again, it was wonderful. We have people at all phases - so we all have something to bring and to share with others. When I spoke about me, I talked about being stuck and how I refuse to make excuses for my frustrations. The best part is that we got to celebrate the fact Toni is having her surgery Wednesday.

I went to lunch with Toni and Deandra. Deandra and I tried to eat low-carb. It's hard at Luby's. haha Deandra is also plateaud and she realized the night before how many carbs she eats. It's amazing when you stop to think about it. I wasn't a low-carb angel yesterday, but I did much better.

I think it paid off because the scale had me at my lowest today - 220! I was very excited, even though my foot was killing me. haha I have now lost 104 pounds! I am so grateful for that loss. I appreciate it so much more now. Scott said this morning that I need to just come to terms with the fact that my plateaus are going to probably be coming more frequently and my losses are going to be slower. He's right. I know this fact as well, but hearing him say it made it seem more...real. I am going to work to focus on all the positives and all the great changes I've experienced and continue to experience.

One of those happened last night...

Scott goes to happy hour every Thursday with his coworker Chris. Yesterday I told Scott that I would stop by if they were still there when I got done with work. Sure enough, they were. I was tired and was going to skip it, but Scott said - "No you need to come. Chris is dying to see you."

Chris had only seen me once - at our wedding on April 3, 2004. I weighed 299. So, when I walked in the door, he saw me and instantly jumped up, walked over to me and LOUDLY goes, "OH-MY-GOD!!! YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE!!! MY GOD!!!! AMAZING!!!"

He went on and on and on about how totally awesome I looked to him and how he wouldn't have even known me. Scott said, "and he even thought you were beautiful at the wedding!"

Chris was like, "I did but wow - now...you look amazing!"

*blush* I told him I needed to hear that yesterday. haha It definitely felt good knowing that I look that much different to someone who hadn't seen me. That was by far the most...boisterous, shall I say...response I've had thus far. haha

It was a great night in generally actual. We sat there for a while as I drank water, then Scott and I went to have Mexican food. I had like 2 beef fajita nachos, a few chips before our meal came and a 1/4 of a margarita. So see, I wasn't an angel. I even had a handful of Fritos earlier in the day. However, for whatever reason, the scale showed the loss. haha I cannot figure it out so I am not going to try. I am just going to eat when I am truly hungry, watch the carbs and do my best. Of course I am going to focus on water and protein.

Ok I need to shower. Today, Deandra and I are taking Toni to lunch to actually celebrate her upcoming transformation. How exciting!!! Also tonight, I am getting my hair done. THANK GOODNESS!!! It needs it sooooooooooooooo bad. I am having major hair anxiety lately. haha

God, thank You for allowing me to be on this wild, wacky journey. I pray for peace of mind and sense of contentment. Please bless everyone on this journey as well.

Post-Op Day 204: Feeling down and frustrated

The scale was back up to 222 from 221.5 yesterday. I have to say it - I am SO DAMN FRUSTRATED!!! I have really focused my efforts and I still can't get out of being stuck!! My 7-month anniversary is next Thursday and, as of now, I have only lost one pound for an entire month.

I know a lot people say, "But my God, you've loss 100+ pounds!" or "Most people only lose a pound or two a month - so you're normal." Well, I understand what is being said, but I need to be understood too. I only have a window of opportunity for this tool to fully work. I want to make the most out of this time and have steady weight loss - that's why I had the surgery. That's why we all have the surgery. If I wanted to lose a pound or two at a time, I wouldn't have had my insides cut on and rearranged - I would have kept floundering with Weight Watchers.

And yes, I am so thankful for the 102 pounds gone. I believe I express that genuine gratitude constantly. However, to be considered a "normal, healthy weight," the least I need to lose is 67 pounds. I had this surgery to get to a normal weight so I can be as healthiest as possible - so I cannot rest on my laurels of 102 pounds. I have to push myself to achieve more. If I just accept 102 pounds, I will never make the most out of this gift I have been given. With this surgery, each month, each week, each day counts if you want to get the most out of your tool.

Sometimes I feel I can only express my frustration here because if I express it elsewhere to people in person, my concerns are usually minimized. It's hurtful actually because I truly want someone to hear what I am saying and just acknowledge my frustration. Doing so won't make me weak or make me have a pity party.

It's saying, "Melissa - I am sure you are frustrated. You did a lot to yourself to be healthy, and I am sure it is scary to be stalled for an entire month when you know you only have a limited open window for weight loss. I know if you keep trying, you're going to get the most out it - regardless of how much your body lets you lose in the end."

I feel panicked in a way. I so want to be a healthy weight. Yes, fitting into smaller clothes and looking better have been amazing side effects. However, it's knowing that with each pound gone, my heart is going to be healthier, my joints are going to feel better and my entire being is, in turn, lightening up and being freed. I am indeed grateful I've come this far. I know this surgery was worth it if I never lost another pound. To have 102 pounds off this frame has helped me in ways that I share repeatedly. Thank you God. I just pray that I do the right things to ensure I keep moving forward. I've come so far and I've done so much to just stall out. I want this to work - I owe it to myself to make it work somehow.

ok I need to go for my morning walk. Today I am going to get my blood tested and then at work I am going to make my appointment with Dr. N for next week. I will discuss my plateau with him. Also, today is our support group meeting at work. I am really looking forward to it. I am so glad we got that started. Each person is very special to me.

God, please bless this day for Scott, Mom, Dad, Granny, my friends, everyone who is on this journey and everyone else in the world. Please bless me too, and help me stay focused and encouraged - even as I feel lost and discouraged.

Post-Op Day 203: Good times, good friends :-)

It was great to be back at work today to see everyone. I had lots of meetings and lots to catch up on. I worked hard to eat protein when I ate. I had a few carbs, but not like I was eating.

Tonight Toni and I had dinner with my beautiful Gastric Bypass Twin Diana. It was sooooooooo awesome to see her skinny self!!!! We talked about our journey thus far, and we talked with Toni about her upcoming journey. It's hard to believe that next week at this time, Toni will be post-op! AMAZING!!

We took some pics of our gathering. The air here in Pasadena is SO HUMID! My hair is a mess. EGAD! But who cares. It's me - love me or leave me. hehe Anyway...here we are!!!

Diana! (-144 total)

Toni
(will be reborn next Wednesday - July 27, 2005)

Me! (-103.5 total)

Enlightened words

I have read the writings of Dr. Annette Colby for several years now. My great friend Donna pointed me to her. Her words often get right to the root of my struggles with weight and body image. Even now that I've had this amazing surgery, I still find inspiration in her words.

I thought I would share the link to some of her archived pieces so that you too may find some inspiration from her: http://www.lovingmiracles.com/healing_articles.htm

Below is a great article for us post-ops, as well as those who are not even on this journey but on another one. I hope it helps.

Relapse Warning Signs

On your journey to moving past using food to cope with life's difficulties, you will experience good days and bad days. It takes a lot of work to develop self-compassion and much practice utilizing new ways of thinking and acting. It is my belief that what is commonly referred to as "relapses" or "set-backs" are not a step back in time, but an important experience needed to gain new understandings and to strengthen new choices.

When a "relapse" does occur it does not happen spontaneously, but occurs with a process of thoughts, ideas, attitudes, emotions and behaviors. Meaning that a series of circumstances occur which progressively lead to choosing food as a coping mechanism.

A person doesn't suddenly find themselves overwhelmed by the need for food. There are warning signs along the way. These warning signs show up in mental thoughts and attitudes, physically felt emotions, and expressed behaviors and actions. Relapse warning signs often build up slowly until they become overpowering. Once they are overpowering, you may experience a loss of control of thinking, emotions, memory, judgement and behavior. Often, we have not taught ourselves to be aware of our warning signs. And if you are not aware that you are headed down a slippery slope, it may be too late when you find yourself at the bottom.

Therefore, it is important to find a way to recognize and monitor your relapse warning signs. If you are prepared and recognize the pattern that is happening, you can be more empowered the next time. Relapse is usually caused by a combination of factors. Some possible factors and warning signs are included in the list below:

Appetite

• Increase in obsessive thinking about food and weight
• Sudden increase or decrease in appetite
• Weight gain or loss
• Skipping meals
• Eating only 'diet' foods
• Food 'rules' become more pronounced

Social Interaction

• Isolating
• Withdrawn behavior
• Not relying on people for support
• Change in sleep patterns
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of daily structure

Medication

• Use of alcohol
• Use of mood altering chemicals
• Increase in smoking, cigarettes, caffeine
• Numbing out with excessive shopping, sex, busyness, internet, etc.
• Excessive exercise

Hostility

• Verbal or physical threats
• Desire to hurt self or others
• Angry outbursts
• Destruction of property

Appearance

• Decreased personal hygiene or self-care
• Increased use of make-up
• Bizarre dreams
• Daily weighing
• Excessive exercising

Thought Process

• Perfectionistic attitudes
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Believing you will be happy and successful if thin
• Feeling of being "too fat", even though people say otherwise
• Obsessive thinking
• Dwelling on past hurts, resentments, anger, or failures
• Being too hard on yourself
• Forgetting gratitude
• Feeling disgusted after eating
• Trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
• Difficulty remembering things
• Confused or distracted
• Wanting to escape from stressful situations instead of dealing with them

Mood

• Exhaustion
• Tearfulness
• Irritability
• Unusual or unprovoked anxiety
• Feeling hopeless about work, relationships or life
• Depression
• Feeling powerless or helpless
• Self-pity
• Complacency
• Conscious lying / dishonesty
• Loss of self-confidence
• Loneliness
• Frustration

Anger

• Tension
• Disappointment, shame, guilt
• Constant boredom - irritability - lack of routine
• Feeling overwhelmed - confused - useless -stressed out

Suicide

• Thoughts of suicide
• Preoccupation with death
• Devising a suicide or self-harm plan
• Self-destructive behavior
• Cutting
• Feeling that nothing can be solved
• Wishing something would magically happen to rescue you

A relapse rarely happens suddenly. We can teach ourselves to notice the progressive warning signs that lead to a relapse in our behavior. Most people have never been taught to identify and manage the warning signs, so they don't notice them until the pain becomes to severe to ignore.

If you can learn to identify your warning signs, you may be able to intervene early and keep symptoms from escalating. Use this form to circle your relapse signs, or write a list of personal warning signs that lead you back into your food patterns. By identifying things that put us at risk for relapse, developing a practical plan of action, and utilizing various new skills, tools and coping behaviors, we can empower ourselves and reduce the frequency of lapse back into our addictive behaviors. If and when a relapse does occur, do not judge or blame, you are not a bad person. Seek progress, understanding and compassion, not perfection.

Common Tools to Help in a Time of Crisis:

• Regular journaling to monitor progress
• Regular journaling for gratitude
• Attending support meetings or OA
• Reaching out by telephone (print a list of people to call ahead of time)
• Prayer or meditation seeking guidance
• Reading inspiration books or poems
• A written plan of action
• A written list of things to do when symptoms increase or cravings begin
• Relaxation techniques
• Deep breathing exercise
• Helping others
• Talking to friends or counselors

A hardcore look at why we need to care for ourselves

Below was on the obesity help message board yesterday. It was written by Susan Marie, who runs www.bariatriceating.com

While she has vested interest in vitamins, supplements, etc., she does make good points about the importance of getting in your vitamins, calcium, etc. It's a hard-core look at being grateful and doing what we need to do - regardless if it's a pleasure or not.

It really did bring home the fact that I DO need to take care of myself. The results of vitamin and calcium deficiencies are not always immediate. We all need to follow the rules so that we don't hurt ourselves in the future.

We want this surgery for a better life. Why would we ruin that better life out of laziness or lack of discipline???

*************************************************************
I just had the privilege of spending a week attending the American Society for Bariatric Surgery annual meeting in Orlando, Florida. Engaging in casual conversation with the top surgeons in this field, discussing vitamins, protein, calcium, and compliance issues was an opportunity that I won't soon forget. I was as excited to meet some of the 'famous' surgeons as I would be if Mick Jagger stepped up to my pink and black BariatricEating.com booth.

Now… why this is a rant!

These surgeons cannot fathom that after they save our lives that we have the audacity to be picky about nutrition! The way many of them see it is that we are NOT living up to our part of the deal. They perform life altering surgery to save us from a certain early death from morbid obesity, their office staff does battle with our insurance company to pony up tens of thousands of dollars to pay for our surgery as it is surely the only means by which we will survive, yet we are lackadaisical about putting a small pile of vitamins and minerals into our body every day, and are boldly noncompliant with protein requirements.

The docs are even more incredulous about our pickiness with protein. When I would give them a taste of Vanilla Very Berry or Fuzzy Navel, their eyes would have a twinkle and they would love the taste but they would question as to why this was even an issue. It is cut and dry with the surgeons; they think it is a given that we do what we are supposed to do. These are no-nonsense men and women; when something is broken, they fix it. Some of them could not believe the letters and stories I related to them and had no idea that noncompliance was so widespread.
Here is a message from your surgeon…

Pick up the protein drink, the calcium, and the multivitamins and take them. There is no negotiating, there is no looking for a compromise, and there are no valid complaints about graininess, taste, or smell. Pick up the glass and drink the protein. Chew the tablets. Swallow that mouthful of calcium or vitamins. Period. We saved your life on that operating table, now do what you are supposed to do to maintain the health we have worked to give back to you.

Fortunately there are drinks that taste good but as I have said before; if in order to be sitting here in size 10 jeans I had to drink a glass of toilet water every morning, I would gladly do it. In fact, if I had to drink a glass of water from my neighbor’s toilet every day I would do it.

Why is this so difficult to comprehend for some of you? Do you take the label morbid obesity so lightly that you don’t think you have to perform certain tasks, that you have a responsibility as a post op. Look up the meaning of MORBID. That should be enough to scare you. Why would anyone not do what they were told when given a new lease of life with so few strings attached?

I used to think that making pre-ops jump through hoops for weight loss to qualify for surgery was cruel but I have changed my mind after a year of speaking to thousands of pre and post ops. With so many people facing insurance rejection, how can we make sure that the ones who will not hold up the end of the bargain are put at the end of the line for approval?

I think that strict compliance goals are a great way to weed out the disobedient. If you can’t lose 10% of your body weight before surgery, you don’t deserve to have it. If you can’t stop smoking, you don’t deserve this procedure. If you can’t manage to choke down vitamins, calcium, B-12 and protein; too bad, let someone have the surgery that will. We all can mange to stick to a program short term. We are all experts at losing weight. We just can't keep it off; which is where the surgery comes in. It gives us the means of control we lack.

As you can tell, this is NOT the week to write me an email and tell me that you can’t ‘tolerate’ the taste of your protein, or that you can’t ‘tolerate’ your chewables or your stomach feels 'icky' when you drink your protein. I have little lenience for weakness and whining. It will take a long time before I allow much room for the helplessness that I so often hear. I can’t stand the word ‘tolerate’… it is pure baloney. About 3 years ago I read a 'tough love' essay by an OH member named Leilani, and one line in particular resonates in my head; 'If this surgery doesn't slap a backbone in you, nothing will', as it is so true!

Just do what you are supposed to do. Figure it out and make it happen. Thank goodness we have products that make it easier to stick with the program but the bottom line is that it shouldn’t even matter.

work is a no-go

As hard as I am trying to get back on track, work is going to have to be a no-go. My crud is getting better, but the chills are back now and I still have the fatigue - but I was going to push past that. What's worse, though, is that my internal working system is angry and a mess.

I just read in my support group that ulcers can be caused by constipation. Well, not get too detailed, I have been battling that this past week. Yesterday I took some Milk of Magnesia and got things moving. However, this morning, as upset as my stomach is and needs to go, it's all stuck. Thus, it's causing my insides to be agitated.

This is what was said in the group about ulcers:

"As it was described to me, the stomach continues to create the same acid it did before the surgery. If you are constipated, the acid has no where to go but up the Roux limb. The caustic nature of the stomach acid allows it to burn an ulcer after contacting the tender tissue of the pouch even once."

I am wondering if this is what happened to me. I can almost taste acid in the bottom of my throat.

I am going to call Pam when the office opens. I feel horrible right now. Plus, I need to get my bloodwork done. If I don't need to have it taken while fasting, I am going to try and get it done. The sooner I do, the sooner I can see Dr. Naaman. I want to discuss this heartburn, as well as a few things. They are: 1. I find I am bruising easily 2. I have noticed darker circles under my eyes 3. I still feel quite a bit of fatigue most times.

Ok I need to go. My tummy is rumbling again. I will write when I know more.

Quote of the day...

John McCain rocks...

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is defending his cameo appearance in "Wedding Crashers," the sexy comedy the Drudge Report called a "boob raunch fest."

"In Washington, I work with boobs every day," joked McCain during an appearance on NBC's "Tonight Show with Jay Leno."

Post-Op Day 202: Striving for change

I don't have a lot of time to write. I need to start getting ready for work. However, I wanted to write a little this a.m.

Last night I think I slapped myself back into reality a little. At least enough to give myself some focus. Since I have been on this plateau (and yes, I am still on it - it was a false alarm a few days ago), I have gotten myself lulled into thinking that this is all there is. Sure it makes me sad, but I think it also gave myself permission to not be as picky about what I am eating.

I didn't realize I was consuming so many carbs until I stopped and paid attention to what I am putting in my mouth. In this journey, I've never been one who is a Carb Nazi. Carbs are important in our lives. However, veggies and fruit need to be our main source. For me, especially lately, I've been very lax about what kinds of carbs I put in my mouth. While I am not sure if this is why my weight is plateauing, I do know by cutting back on them, I will only be doing myself a favor.

The biggest realization last night is that I am eating for satisfaction again instead of eating for nutrition. Now that my menu has opened up to me and I can eat most foods, I am once more looking for pleasure instead of fuel. I remember that was the greatest mind shift for me when I had the surgery - I was approaching food differently. Back then I had to because I couldn't eat what I wanted. I need to get back into that mindset.

I use to tell myself in the early days, "In a year, you can have what you want. Right now, you need to focus on eating for health." I did that so I would not feel so trapped. Generally, when you think you can't have something ever again, you panic and eat way too much of it. This way of thinking helped me realize I wasn't trapped - thus allowing me to focus on what I needed to do.

I don't think I realized I could eat so much variety so soon. Granted, I eat A LOT less than I ever did - and that I am so thankful for. Still, I need to get back that focus I had. So, last night and this morning when I walked I told myself, "You can have what you want when you get to goal. But, for right now, you need to focus on eating healthy."

Once I did that, I again didn't feel so trapped. In my heart, I know (or at least hold out hope) that when I am at goal, I won't want as much "bad" food. Maybe I will, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, I need to push through this plateau and get myself moving again toward goal. I am 67 pounds away. I never dreamed I would get this close again in my life - so I need to remember why I did this surgery and push myself onward and upward.

Fly Butterfly, Fly!

Ouch!
Yesterday I started to have heartburn. It was happening with everytihng I ate. The only thing that has soothed it any was drinking my no-sugar added carnation made with Mootopia from HEB. The heartburn even woke me up last night, and now it is hurting again even as I drink water.

I have done my reading and I understand heartburn is not normal for bypass patients. It's usually a sign of an ulcer. :-( I am going to call Pam the nurse today and tell her what's going on. I dread the thought of being scoped, but it might be what I have to do to get answers.

***
Ok I need to go. I want to do some exercises on the Bowflex and then get ready for work. I am eager to get back.

Too funny...

At Torrid they have some new Hello Kitty t-shirts I am gonna have to get.

Because Scott is a metal head, I have to get this shirt to wear to his shows (sorry the pic is fuzzy):






















The other one I want just because...haha To see Kitty wearing an afro with a pick on a shirt that says ""Can you dig it?" totally cracks me up! It's soooo me!

Check out my bypass twin!

I've written before about my wonderful gastric bypass twin Diana. She wrote me several months into my journey letting me know she reads my journal and that she too had her surgery on the same day as I did. Ever since then we've called each other twin.

Well, she sent me a photo of herself now at -144 pounds/size 20. She's changed so much even since I saw her a few months ago. She looks AMAZING! I asked her if I could post it here and she said sure. She also sent me a Before pic. As you can see, the results for her have been amazing!

Thank you Diana for letting me post here. I know you will inspire many. I love you Girl!

Post-Op Day 201: Sick :-(

I now know why I was so tired yesterday...I'm sick. :-( I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a semi-truck. Ugh. I've spent the weekend trying to ignore the fact that I've been fatigued and had been getting chills, but there's no denying it now.

Saturday night, I had the chills at the club. They got worse on the ride home. By the time I was in the house, my teeth were chattering. I had to soak in hot water to calm them down and then I buried myself under the covers when I went to bed.

Yesterday, I didn't feel a lot of energy - but sometimes I just don't. However, after cleaning the house and being out and about, I was absolutely drained last night. I passed out and don't even remember Scott coming to bed.

This morning, it really hit. When I first woke up, I felt like I had a low-grade fever and was all clammy. Now it's back to the chills. I didn't want to, but I had to take a sick day. I only have a couple of sick days built up, and I am trying to save them for my surgery. However, if I don't take one today, I could make this thing worse and be out a lot longer.

I view it as an investment, but I am still pissed that I have to take it. I just want to take a day or two where it's for me to have FUN, you know? Taking days for sickness and surgery really sucks!

I also have to cancel a much-needed hair appointment. That's when you know it's bad - when I will cancel something to do with my hair. lol

Ok I am totally chilled, so I am going to soak and then sleep. I want to kick this NOW!

Whew!

I'm pooped! I just feel so drained.

Liz called and said she was coming, so I hurried and tidied up the house. Then I got ready. She and her friend Tracy arrived and I gave Liz my entire pre-op wardrobe. It was wild showing her everything - I felt like I was handing over my closest friends. lol Well, if there's anyone whom I would trust with my closest friends, it would be Liz since she's my best friend. :-) It's actually great giving all those clothes to her. She will look awesome in them!

We then went to Gringo's Mexican Restaurant. mmmmmm That place is so good! I didn't get to eat much of my meal, but what I ate was delicious! It was great spending time with both of them chatting. They're a blast! I miss Liz sooooooooooooooooo much - so it's always great to get to see her.

She said she could tell a big difference in my appearance. When we were walking into Gringo's, she said she wouldn't have recognized me if I were just standing there when she pulled up. I cannot fathom that, you know? She also told me that I am "normal" people size now. I laughed and reminded her what Mark said - "You're no longer a BBW - you're just a slightly overweight normal person now."

She said, "He's right."

That was wild hearing it from Liz's mouth. I appreciate her so much for saying that and for everything she's done to help me succeed. She's such a wonderful, giving, loving person. I adore her so much.

Our time together was too short, but she and Tracy had to get back on the road. I said my farewells and went to Cato. I returned a few things Mom had bought me and I tried on clothes in the "normal people" section. haha About half fit - half didn't.

I bought two skirts - one XL (that I think might actually be a little too big) and an L that fits but will look better in a month or so. I also bought a top that I can't decide if I like or not. They were about to close, so I had to hurry. It's an XL and it fits, though it will look better in a month or so as well. I am just thrilled to be shopping on that side at all!

I then went to the grocery. I HATE going haha. However, it was a must. Scott's been working all day and we needed some things. So, I made my way around the HEB and just carried it all inside the house. I count that as my activity for the day.

I bought some flowers and a card for Scott. I just wanted him to know how much I love and appreciate him and I am thinking of him. He's a hard-working man, and so I wanted to make it as nice as possible for him when he got home. :-)

On that note, I need to finish folding towels, etc. The weekend's almost over! Eeek! I am really, really tired.

Adios!

Ta-daaaa! The photos!

Below are some of the photos I wrote about yesterday!

Ok the top photo is my before pic of me at 320 or so pounds in September - about three months or so before my gastric bypass surgery.

The second one is the photo that was laying on my desk Friday. It was taken April 28, 2005, showing me at -74 pounds. I cannot get over how much smaller I look in it compared to what I was looking like in the beginning, you know? That's Toni in the pic with me. She will be having her Bypass surgery in less than three weeks! Go Toni!

The third photo is the one I shot with my little Polaroid on Friday so I can gauge if my face looks different or not. I think it's obvious that it does. Wow!

**********

If that weren't enough, like I said, I received photos from my folks yesterday. These pics blew me away! (For the record, Scott wasn't sweaty! haha He had just come in from turning the sprinklers on!)

This photo below REALLY showed me how much I have lost!

This last pic is my fave!

Now for the comparison pics between last July when my folks were here and this July! MAN what a difference!

This last one below blows my mind! You can even see that Scott has lost weight too! What a couple of hotties we now! ;-)