Dr. Naaman & me

I love this man - he saved my life. Thank you Dr. Naaman. :-)

Post-Op Day 397: Finally updating!

You know, I realize I can never get caught up on all the things I want to share from the past month and a half. So, instead of putting off writing in hopes that there will come a magical time when I can put it all into words, I just need to write right now and move on from here.

Life is just flying by and so many exciting “WOW” moments are happening that they just keep piling on top of one another in the memory bank. While I am not complaining, I’m frustrated with myself for not capturing it all. As I always say, I truly hate writing but I truly love having written.

Where do I begin…I guess I will just start with my stats. I hit my -150 pound mark earlier this month!!! That is just so exciting – I cannot even put it into words. I look at that number and I have hard time believing it describes MY weight loss!

Today I am weighing 172.5 lbs.– though yesterday I hit 171.5. It was probably the spaghetti and garlic bread I had yesterday that bumped me back up. Hehe So that means I am down 151.5 pounds right now and my BMI is 27. I am 13.5 pounds away from a normal weight of 159! I cannot BELIEVE IT!!!

It’s funny how 13.5 pounds shouldn't seem like a lot after I’ve come so far. But it seems like an insurmountable amount in some ways. It’s like I’ve climbed and climbed and climbed the mountain and I can see the summit – but I just sometimes wonder if I have last little push left in me. I know I do but whew…

After I get there (see – positive thinking!) it will be so great to think that any additional loss will just be icing on the cake. Mmmmmm Icing!

Who knows best?
Lately, several people have told me that I have lost enough weight and I should stop where I am – people like my friend John, my Granny, even the cleaning lady Elva here at work. It’s so weird to hear people tell me I don’t need to lose any more – especially when they learn I would still love to lose about 25 more pounds. They about freak out and tell me to not do that to myself. What?! I think I can do that and still not look sickly. If I never make it that low, I will be ok. I just would like some room built into my weight range when I have that rebound weight gain.

In many ways, I still feel like I have so much more to lose. Maybe that’s baggage that will always be there in my brain. I mean, I’ve spent my entire life always knowing that I have to lose a LOT of weight. As an obese person, it’s always there in your mind. You wake up knowing it and you go to sleep knowing it. That knowledge often weighs heavier on your heart than the actual poundage does on your body.

What is reality anymore?
To think that you have just 13.5 pounds to go and you will be a “normal” weight – well, it’s just hard to fathom. It doesn’t feel real. So, you struggle to accept it. Plus, when you have the loose skin and your tummy’s not flat and your thighs are wrinkly and your boobs are shrunken, it’s hard to see the real you that others see when you’re fully clothed.

I really do still struggle to gauge what size I truly am in comparison to the rest of the world. I’ve lived my life being bigger than most everyone I encounter. So, I still feel so big next to everyone – even though I fit so much better in chairs, booths and the rest of the world in general.

When I see myself in the mirror, it’s hard to see myself as a fairly normal-sized person. Scott says my brain is distorting my reflection like a fun-house mirror. He’s right - my perception is definitely distorted. I know it is, but it’s still a huge struggle.

I do believe my body has the makings of becoming something I would find a lot of confidence in. I have a good shape for the most part; I just need the plastic surgery to tighten it up and make it all come together. That’s something far down the line – if ever – so I can’t hold out hope for it. I need to learn to love and accept myself as-is. I think that’s a hard but worthwhile undertaking, but I believe it’s something all of us on this journey must do – or we will surely fail in the long run.

Don't get me wrong...
In many ways, I am very, very happy with my new look – so I don’t want to be misconstrued at all. I just needed to put into words how complex this journey really is emotionally and mentally. Trust me, however, when I say I wouldn’t trade all this for the world.

I am grateful knowing my health risks are reduced considerably. I love feeling lighter and looking better in clothes. It’s incredible to see a smaller, shapelier you in a window reflection. It’s also almost overwhelming (in a good way) to see yourself in pictures and not cringe. In fact, I find myself mesmerized because I can’t believe I look like that now. I hope that doesn’t sound weird. Haha

I also love not fearing the scale at the doctor. In fact, I want to jump on that scale and then find out how much of a difference there is from the last time. I went to see my PCP the other day - Dr. Carmen Visus. She was so proud of me and happy to see me. She had been thinking about me and wondering how I was doing.

It’s so nice to hear your doctor praise you for your hard work at bettering your health. She told me if I didn’t lose another pound, I am still just fine. However, she said if I lost 10 or more, that would work for her too. She isn’t fixated on me getting down to a certain number. She said I’ve come so far that she basically couldn’t ask for anything more. To hear that is so amazing.

I’ve lived in fear of being judged by doctors all my life. As an adult, my docs have never really fussed at me about being obese because I had great blood pressure, normal cholesterol and no health problems. However, when I was a kid, I always heard about how overweight I was. It was horrible and I dreaded the doctor. I think I was told I was overweight so much that I just gave up hope because they made me out to be such a lost cause. In retrospect, I only had to lose 30 pounds or so. Why do doctors do that – especially to kids? A positive approach would have made all the difference in the world.

Anyway, I love my doctor so much. She is such a kind, gentle soul who truly wants the best for you. To hear her praise me and support me and believe in me – it makes all the difference in the world.

In closing
So, that’s where I am with all the basics. Oh! I wear a size 14 comfortably and I have snuck into some size 12 hand-me-downs. Now THAT’S amazing all in itself!

I went to New York & Company the first time a few weeks ago. I’ve never ever been able to shop in stores like that. I was so intimidated to walk in and I felt like a fraud as I walked around. So, you can imagine how I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wear the biggest size there and I could fit into a few of their size 12s!! I felt like a million dollars doing that. I wanted to cry because it was just so unreal actually.

Well, I think this is all I will write for now. It’s a good start. Sorry I’ve not been around much. I’ve missed being here.

Thank You God for this incredible life You've given me a second time around.

The New Me :-)

Post-Op Day : Yeah yeah...

I know I am soooooooooooooo far behind!! I'm sorry. I've just been overwhelmed with weeks of holiday stuff. Now that it's finally over, I can see some light! I now just have to make out a monster task list and start working it. Ugh!

I realize I still need to write about Christmas, my parents visit, my 1-year anniversary, a recap of 2005, my New Year's eve celebration, Wow moments, etc.

Instead of putting it into one big entry, I will spend the next week getting caught up. Much like the movie "Pulp Fiction," I doubt I will tell the story in order. Ah well, that's what you get when you read the blog of a very ADD left-handed natural blonde. ;-)

I do want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I wish you nothing but the very best that life has to offer.

Ok until I have a pocket of time to write, take care and blessings to you.

xoxox