Post-op Day 207: Enjoying my new life!

Good morning!

Ouch! My head hurts! haha As most gastric bypass patients will say: We're super cheap drunks. haha I went out last night to my favorite bar in the world, drank a Long Island Iced Tea and woooooo! I was toasted! I got a second one, but I had my friend Mark drink the remaining 3/4 of it. He bought it for me, so technically it should be his anyway, right?

The good thing about the quick drunkedness is that I sober up pretty quick too. Regardless, my rule is to stop drinking by midnight. It gives me time to dance, sweat and get sober. The thing about me though is that, even when I am sober, people think I am drunk because I am a total party girl. I know that's hard to believe. haha

A new me!
I had sooo much fun last night! I wore an outfit that I've had for a while and never worn out. I think it really showed off my weight loss well. I feel sexy in it - and I didn't fixate on how fat my arms and legs looked. I just enjoyed being smaller and feeling great!

My friend Norma who hadn't seen me in about a month and half couldn't believe how much I had changed in just that time. My friend Rhonda said the same thing. Norma just kept going on and on about how I've changed. Norma's husband Marty told me several times I look fabulous.

My friend Mark told me I was by far the prettiest woman there (even though he didn't like my choice of hairstyles haha). If you recall, he's the oblivious guy (in the party hat pic in the previous post) who just noticed my weight loss - so I take that as a true compliment. haha Mark is brilliant but very non-emotional about things. He states things as facts. He doesn't know the art of bullshitting and his bluntness often pisses people off. But, when he gives an observation, you know he's analyzed his decision before making it. In this case, it worked in my favor.

I also saw a guy who hadn't seen me about two years who used to be the DJ there. He was like, "Kitty, you've lost a lot of weight, haven't you?" I laughed and said, "Yeah 104 pounds!" He was like, "You were hot before but man - you look incredible."

I use to think I would hate hearing all that stuff. I use to think it would seem so shallow and I would think, "What was wrong with me before???" But, for whatever reason, I am ok with it now that I am hearing this more and more. I've come to terms with the fact that I know I was fine as a person just the way I was before the weight loss. I was sexy, smart, funny as-is. People liked me then. People like me now. I know I do physically look better than before now that I am smaller and healthier - it's just the way things are. It's nothing against the old me and I've come to terms with that. She was who I was, and I will love her for making me the person I am today. Anyway...enough of that.

My foot felt better yesterday, so I was able to dance and dance in between my socializing. haha I love going there because I know the staff and the regulars. So, I feel right at home. I know that I can be who I am there. I am not shy or insecure. Hell, I danced up on the stage with the pole several times. I never thought I could dance the pole to "You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin', Darlin" - but leave it to me to find a way! haha It's all fun and I cherish those times when I can get dressed up sexy, go, dance, socialize and laugh and laugh. It's all good!

Surprise! Surprise!
I did have a nice surprise on the scale this morning. I was down to 218.5! I can't believe I saw the teens on my scale! That has me at -105.5. Since I could be dehydrated or whatever, I am not going to put much hope into that number until I see it on my scale again tomorrow. haha I know how that roller coaster goes.

You know what's weird is that I didn't obsess on eating yesterday. In fact, I ate more than I usually do. For instance, Scott and I rarely get pizza anymore. It's been maybe two months since we had one delivered.

Before, I could only eat the cheese and pepperoni toppings (for the protein). Yesterday, I ate the equivalent of a slice and a half - thin crust and all. Granted, it filled me up big time. But still... I also stopped and got a personal chicken quesadilla from Taco Cabana on the way home. I ate maybe three or four wedges with sour cream on the way home - definitely more than I usually do!

So...I eat "big people" food, and I lose weight. haha Maybe I wasn't eating enough before?? It's all so crazy but I am not complaining! I am just grateful to have stopped bouncing around the 222-224 pound range. UGH! I just don't want to go back there again!

I cannot tell you how excited I am to think that, today at least, I am just 19 pounds away from being in Onderland!!!!! OMG - to me, besides hitting goal, that is the ULTIMATE victory on this journey. I cannot even fathom weighing in the 100s! My goal is to hit that by Halloween!

A revelation

Yesterday I had a revelation - an epiphany of sorts, if you will.

For so long, my ultimate size was a 14/16. To me, it still represented being a Big Beautiful Woman (BBW) but it was the smallest size I could be to still hold that title. I always thought it would be awesome because I would be in the smallest sizes in the plus-size stores. I always saw tons of 14/16s on the rack. I thought, "Man, if I were that size, I would have all the pickings!"

An even bigger reason why I wanted to be that size is because most plus-size models are 14s. Some are 10s and 12, but many are 14s. So, getting into 14/16s always represented to me the time where I would truly qualify to be a plus-size model - one of my major goals in life for the longest time.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think I am all that. I just always felt that I represent the plus-size woman with joy, zest and energy. I always thought that would come out in photos. I am actually very self-conscious about my looks; but, for whatever reason, plus-size modeling always appealed to me. I did a little in the past, but nothing serious.

Anyway, all my sights were focused on being a 14/16. It was the end destination. As much as I look at the Before and After photos and see people actually normal size, I don't know that I have ever gotten a vision of me beyond a size 14/16. Sure, I've longed to fit in smaller-sized clothes and to have my shape look slimmer, but I don't think I ever truly saw a life for me in sizes smaller than 14/16.

Now that I am in 14/16s, things are not really as I envisioned. My body is definitely not shaped for plus-size modeling. Perhaps if I had my plastic surgery now (breast lift and implants, lower body lift and arms done), I could qualify. But, that's not happening at this moment. So, I am not even going to think about that anymore. haha

I guess I also never envisioned me with so much chubbiness and being able to fit into 14/16s, XLs and Ls in some stores. I have 63.5 pounds to lose to hit my goal of 155. That means I am going to get into smaller sizes. I am going to look even smaller. I am going to BE even smaller.

And because I never really saw beyond this point, I think I panicked or just stalled out.

Sure I was 180 in high school. I thought I was hugely fat - even though I was just 25 to 30 pounds overweight. I didn't really know what to do, so I kinda just ignored my weight problem and just had a general hatred for my size.

In college, I was in the 220s - and that's when I really started paying attention to my weight. It's also where I started to embrace my fat girl-ness and strutting my stuff regardless of my size. From that point on, I was all about embracing myself as a sexy big girl.

So, I am now moving into a weight range that is totally new to me in many ways. The 220s and higher were all familiar territory because I've known them as an adult. Where I am now is not familiar. I've not been this size as an adult.

And that's why I think I got stuck. I've talked before about how this is my second phase, but I don't think I realized just how much that is true. This second phase is taking me places I've been but don't remember. So really, it's all new and different. It's scary.

I've already heard from two people that I don't look like a BBW anymore - I look like "normal" people now. That is the wildest thing to hear. I am gradually becoming someone I haven't met before.

I think I am ready to meet and even become her, but I'm not sure. I do like who she is at the moment. I will give her that. She is still me - just with more pizazz. I didn't think I could add more flash to my already flashy personality, but I am finding ways. It's funny though - the flash is coming from the inside. Not in bursts of light, but in small subtle ways that are comfortable yet fun.

I am working on embracing the new me, and I am working on letting go of my fears of the unknown. So far this journey hasn't disappointed me - so why should I fear the rest of it will be? Therefore, I need to let go and trust. I need to trust God. I need to trust the plan that my life is on. Finally, I just need to trust me.

It's funny - in some ways I so badly want the changes to hurry. The plateau proved that. But, in my epiphany, I realized that maybe I haven't wanted the changes deep down inside like I thought I did. Maybe I've been holding myself back more than I realize out of fear and uncertainty on how to even proceed into new territory, you know?

I am sure my body has been reacting to that. Sure, I realize the weight loss will slow down now that I hit 100 and I am past six months. Still, I think my body knows more than I think it knows.

Well, I want to say that I am ready. I realize I am on the threshold of something totally new for my life. I take a deep breath and press onward...