Post-Op Day 32 - One month anniversary!

Hi there! I know I have been lax about writing, but I’ve kinda been absent on purpose. I was finding writing about this surgery and my struggles all the time kept me fixated on the rough stuff – namely not being able to eat anything of substance for six weeks. When it’s constantly in your thoughts, it just makes the time drag.

Therefore, I’ve been working on just trying to live life and get through this rough part. It has been THE most challenging thing in my life. I have to say though, when I just dug in and committed myself to pushing on through the tough stuff, everything became more tolerable.

I do love not being hungry all the time. So, by drawing strength from that and working to say no to the head-hunger, I have found myself feeling very empowered by it all. I believe once I get through these six weeks, I can do just about anything in life. I hope to always draw strength from this.

For the record…I have 9 more days until I can eat some real food! YAYAYAY

Ok So…what’s been going on with me?

One-month anniversary
Well, as of yesterday, I am officially one-month post-op! I can’t believe. In some ways, it seems like it has been forever since I had the surgery. Wow. I am so relieved that I had no major complications. While Dr. N’s diet is hard to follow, it does eliminate all the problems that come with eating food too early. I agree with his philosophy – it’s just so damn hard to live it. Haha

I’ve had days where I regretted the surgery, only because of not having food in the amounts that I want. But, in reality, I am so glad I did because there was no way I could have (safely) lost 31.5 pounds in one month otherwise. I am starting to look like me again and clothes are finally starting to fit like they should. I am feeling prettier and sexier. I didn’t realize how much I my confidence had slipped.

Another weird thing is that I have a lot of people tell me that they admire my strength/determination/will power/etc. I never expected people to see this as being hard. I KNEW it would be hard, but for others to see it that way (and to see me as someone to admire because I am doing it) has just been wild.

Anyway, I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I will lose more than this. I want to see the scale move every day…but it’s hard to comprehend that as it does, I will shrink. It’s exciting but almost overwhelming. I hope I look good as I shrink.

Weight loss
It slowed down considerably since my last post. As of this writing, I am at -32.5. I try to keep it all in perspective. I am just excited to be on this path and God has protected my journey thus far!

Gall bladder
I learned I have a bad gall bladder. It hurt for two days but went away. The doc ordered an ultrasound of my organs and it revealed that I had a gall stone. It was probably there before the surgery, but the rapid weight loss irritated it. Dr. N wants to wait a few months before putting me through another surgery. Whew!

Dr. Naaman’s office
Speaking of Dr. N…I’ve really been struggling with his office staff and with him this whole time. Without getting into it all, let’s just say that their attitude was bad and not warm, friendly and conducive to the needs of people undergoing this life-altering process.

I finally reached my breaking point and I wrote to Kimberly, who heads up the bariatric program for Memorial City Memorial Hermann Hospital. She handled my letter with love and professionalism. With my permission, she shared the info with Bernie, the office manager for Dr. N and the office’s saving grace. I spelled out my issues with Bernie. She totally understood and told me that it takes hard-to-hear feedback like this to get changes made.

The next day, I had to go see Dr. N about the gallbladder. I found that the office mood was much better. When I talked to Dr. N, he seemed more attentive and kinder. At the end of the talk, he told me Kim had shared my concerns. He thanked me and said I had helped him immeasurably. He said he needs feedback like that to make the appropriate changes. I was nervous talking to him about it, but I felt better once it was all out in the open. I appreciate their openness and willingness to make things better. I respect that greatly.

I truly believe they do care about doing what’s right. If you happen to be a patient of Dr. N’s (or any doctor) and you are not happy with the service you are receiving, PLEASE tell them how you are feeling. It DOES make a difference.

Deandra
My friend and coworker Deandra had her gastric bypass surgery on Thursday. I went to go see her on Friday. It was so wild to go back to those first days post-op. I didn’t realize how far I have come until I saw her. I felt so good being able to share my experiences with her and reassuring her that all is a-ok. To see her in the pain…oh my! It was just awful.

I am soooo thankful that I have come this far. Life is good and I appreciate it so much! Anyway, I am sending a special prayer to her and asking God to make her better each and every day!

Dancing
Last night was my first night out since the surgery. I went dancing. It felt great to get out again! I felt like I looked great, and it was good to move my body some. I didn’t dance a lot though – just enough to feel sex-ay!

I did find myself feeling a bit depressed at the end because 1. I couldn’t drink anything but water and 2. I couldn’t stop and get food after the bar closed.

Isn’t that sad? Haha I didn’t realize what rituals I had in my life until this surgery. I never drank a lot – but to have myLong Island iced tea with me seemed natural. And, to stop and get some biscuits and gravy from Whataburger or a chicken and cheese quesadilla from Taco Cabana – that’s just part of it all. I felt a void somehow when I got home. It’s so weird to realize what plays into your life before your surgery.

Fringe benefit
In addition to me losing weight, Scott is cracking down on his weight too. He looks thin and nobody can believe he is dieting – but he is. He has lost 11 pounds this month! He went from 211 to 200. I am so proud of him! He has been so good to me – not eating a lot in front of me and supporting me in every way. For him to be having weight-loss success makes me very happy for him. I always gain strength from his sheer will and focus. He’s much better at it than me. So, I’ve got a great role model. I love you Scott!

***
Well, that’s about it. What a January this has been! I am just focused on working and making it to Wednesday, Feb. 9! I know it will be here before I know it, and the full-liquids phase will be just a memory! I am excited about the weight coming off more. People are starting to see it in my body in addition to my face. That’s really exciting!

Thank you God for blessing me and for blessing Scott. Please keep blessing us and please bless everyone on this wild and crazy journey.

Post-Op Day 19 - Taking care of me

Wow - a week has passed since I've written in this journal. It's been a rough week but good too.

Here's what I posted in my Yahoo Support Group:

Hi all -

I know I have been quiet for the past few days. I have a tendency to
go within from time to time to recharge my batteries and process my
situation, so don't think anything is wrong when I am quiet. :-)

My visit with my counselor Jackie was awesome as always. I felt
really down when I went in there. I told her I thought I was mentally
prepared for the surgery, but the depressed feelings had me second-
guessing myself.

Jackie said that I WAS mentally prepared and I was right where I
needed to be. She said there was nothing wrong with me - in fact,
she'd be worried about me if I wasn't feeling down at that point
because it would indicate I was repressing my feelings.

She said that at that point, I was in a tough spot and I just had to
ride it out. I went from eating one day to not eating. There was no
gradual tapering off...it was a shock to the system. She said that
nobody should ever underestimate the power of food. It's what we
depend on to survive; therefore, cutting it out leaves one feeling
that their world is completely askew and, at times, ending.

Jackie told me that I was perfectly normal in that I was in a
grieving phase. However, she reminded me that I made the choice - so
it isn't out of my control like if something had happened to me
unplanned. So I can take comfort in knowing this IS my decision and I
am in control of it. It is planned and it is temporary - and should
be looked at it as such. She helped me see that I need to rechannel
my energy.

She also told me I was having sensory deprivation. I was just sitting
here at my computer with closed blinds, no music, no candles, no
nothing. She said since my lack of eating has reduced the taste
gratification, I need to fill up my senses in other ways - listening
to music, burning a candle, nice perfumes, blinds open,
flowers...anything to fill me up in other ways.

We talked about other stuff - and it was all good. Jackie knows me so
well, that she tapped into what I needed to hear. It was still hard
to shake off the funk that day, but I tried.

That night, I soaked in the tub for the first time since the surgery
and I listened to classical music. It felt amazing. I read an article
about connecting to my inner joy. I am such a joyful person in
general, so I realized how disconnected I had become from my joy. So
I made a conscious effort to get back in touch with it.

I also read the following quote that really spoke to my heart:

"For minds obsessed by compulsive thinking and grasping, you simplify
your meditation practices to just two words, `let go.'" ~ Ajahn
Sumedho ~

I've worked on practicing this meditation. It's truly helping.

The next morning I woke up feeling great! I didn't feel as foggy as I
had been feeling - and I let myself truly enjoy the day and not
fixate on what's missing but rather what I have.

I also did great on Saturday, but yesterday I found myself struggling
some, but not as much as I was before. I know it's just the ebb and
flow of this phase and I accept that. I think I need to get out some
today since I am off. It's a beautiful, sunny day.

Anyway, this is probably more than you wanted to know. However, for
those who are also struggling or will be soon – I wanted to share
where I was in my journey in hopes it may help.

Thank you to all who have worked to encourage me. I will forever
remember your kindness and love. And you better know I will help
those who come after me. *smile*

Love,
Melissa

Then I followed up with the next post...

Today, I have had two big victories...

1. I hit my 25-pound mark! That is so exciting for me. I think of how
long it would have taken me at Weight Watchers (if I didn't give up
like I did about 10 times). It took me less than three weeks this
time - which blows my mind. haha

2. I now no longer weigh in the 300s! I cannot describe how great it
felt seeing the number 299 pop up on the scale that I used to not be
able to weigh on last week at this time.

God is so good. I am just so grateful for this tool.

Thanks for your support everyone!

xoxox
Melissa

That's right - I hit 25 pounds gone in less than three weeks! YAY for me! It's almost overwhelming.

One of the women in the group wrote me about my post about counseling. She said:

Melissa,
I think that the post-op depression that you described happens to
most of us. I remember just crying out of the blue in the weeks
following surgery. I felt like I was in mourning for the friend that
I had just lost and the addiction that I could no longer feed.

Anesthesia's effects also hang on a bit and can contirbute to the
blues. Your counselor gave you some great advice about indulging your
other senses. I never really thought about how much I OVER indulge my
sense of taste...I think it's fine time I gave the same attention to
my other senses!

Thanks for your post Melissa. Even though I'm over 3 1/2 years out
there is always some way learn and grow from what others write.

And this was my reply:

Thank you for your words of wisdom Pam - they mean a lot to me.

The loss of food is a big part of it, but I also think that sometimes the fear of succeeding is as scary as the fear of failure. I think that is playing into all of this as well. I am so use to giving up when the going got tough with my weight. In no other area have I done that - I am a fighter and generally succeed at obtaining my goals.

I went back and looked at my weight-loss records from Weight Watchers. In 2002, I finally reached 25 pounds lost - the first time I had ever lost a significant amount of weight. This is what I wrote on my records "I FINALLY HIT 25 after 19 weeks on program!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!!!"

Three weeks later after losing 3.8 more pounds, I gained back 6. Then I lost 2. Then I gained back 5. You get the point. I finally wrestled it to a 36.3 loss (my biggest ever) after 45 WEEKS. The following week I gained 7.5 - and another struggle ensued before I hit a slide that eventually saw me gain it all back plus 24.2 more pounds in less than three years - which is where I was when I had my surgery.

While it will take me a while to get to my lowest weight of 263.5 again, I can say it only took me less than three weeks to reach 25 pounds instead of 19 weeks. WOW! And I also know it won't take me 26 more weeks to lose an additional 11 pounds to hit my all-time biggest loss of 36.3 pounds.

So I should be ecstatic - and I am. I am also terrified. Experiencing such success is overwhelming. I am sure you who have been here know what I am saying. As Kim always says, she thought she would be the first one the surgery didn't work for. Well, so did I. haha To experience rapid success in weight loss is a first for me.

Anyway, this is a good problem to have. But, it was just on my mind. Please know you and the other veterans have shown me that God does give second chances. Thank you for your shining example.

Lots of love,
Melissa

Thank you God for my many, many blessings. I appreciate this gift more than I can ever express. God please bless me and everyone else on this journey. Also, please bless Scott. He is such a wonderful husband and my biggest spporter. He is my blessing. Katie is too. :-)

Post-Op Day 12 - A new normal

Sorry I haven’t updated for a few days. My energy level has been very low, so I haven’t felt much like writing. For me, writing is a chore. I always say, I hate writing but I love having written.

Normal is as normal does

This weekend was my first trip back to normalcy in many ways. Scott went out of town, so I spent time on Saturday with my two great friends – L and Deb. We decided to do a day of beauty. I needed one badly! Before the surgery, I was so rushed to do everything, I neglected myself.

We went and got our hair done at my salon. Both Liz and Deb got great new ‘dos. It was fun having them there. I finished first, so I would walk around and check on them. To see their transformation was great!

The salon experience took two hours. I realized as we were leaving that I probably needed to get some food. Not being hungry, I made the choice based on my energy level. My great friend Donna was going to meet us at the restaurant, but she had to go back home because her baby needed her attention. I was sad that I didn’t get to see her. Any time with Donna is great time.

Going to a restaurant was sooooo hard because I could only have one thing off the menu – soup. It was wild to look at an entire menu and know I couldn’t have any of it. I just shut it. It was also wild just ordering a water and not even being able to use the straw the waiter gave me. At this point, I feel cut off from the world. It's hard feeling this way.

Before we knew Donna couldn’t make it, we were waiting on her. I felt my energy level dropping rapidly; I finally said I had to eat NOW. So, we got the waiter over and he brought out my soup in record time. It was baked potato soup. Mmmm I was worried about eating the bacon bits on top. I had a few, chewed them up good and swallowed. I didn’t want to bother with the rest, so I pushed them aside.

The soup was hearty and tasted so good. I mushed the potatoes in my mouth to ensure that they weren’t too big to go down. I also ate some of the cheese for protein. I thought I had eaten A LOT and when I voiced that, Deb and L laughed because to them I hadn’t eaten anything. It was surreal, let me tell ya!

We then went to get pedicures. Man that was nice! I treated myself to a manicure as well. It was so fun having us all there talking and enjoying ourselves while doing nothing getting our feetsies pampered.

After we returned to my house, Deb had to leave. After that, L and I went to Walmart to stock up on my supplies. She got a real idea of how limited my menu is.

When we returned for the night, I was tired but not overly so. However, I didn’t roll out of bed until 11 a.m. Sunday. Even at that, I felt like I had been run over by a mac truck! OMG – my energy was GONE! It felt like I was hung over. L told me I looked exhausted.

I had waiting so long to go to the support group meeting, but I was way too tired to go. That really ticked me off because I wanted to see so many people. However, I knew I had to work today and I needed to take care of myself. So, I sent Liz off to the meeting, and I lounged around the rest of the day.

I missed everyone so much. I felt missed too. I had so many nice messages waiting for me in the group. These two really were sweet and funny...

Boy, Melissa,

You sure have some cool friends...I swear half of the people there knew you! I
thought I was attending the Melissa Fan club! See what an positive impact you
and Liz have on People!...You go Girl!

And we sure missed you! Take it easy at work and please don't over do!

Blessings,
LindaM

AND.....

...And it was nice to meet you and all the girls seven degrees of Melissa...forget Kevin Bacon, Melissa has him beat!!!

hehehe

Back in the saddle again

Today was my first day back to work. I couldn’t believe two weeks have passed since I left there for my surgery! I was so scared when I left; and here I am now on the other side and moving around remarkably well. I still live in fear of complications. However, each day that passes I breath a little easier.

Seeing everyone today was sooooooooooooooooooo awesome! I truly work with the best people in the world! From the moment I got in, people were gathering around my door – four or five at a time. They all wanted to hug me and congratulate me. Everyone wanted to hear my stories, and they were all amazed on how little I could eat. Some said they could tell a difference in my face, while some could see it in my body.

One of my employees wrote this to me. Being a 21-year-old guy, I was impressed he even noticed!

That's so amazing how well your recovery is going! I can't believe your surgery was only a few weeks ago. You really look and sound great. I would have never known about the surgery had I not been told.

I have to say that today was the first day I felt hungry a lot! But the weird thing is that I ate more than I have been eating. So, I dunno what’s going on. If I haven’t said it enough, I will say it again – the liquid diet is getting OLD. Haha Oh well – it’s all part of the process.

I worked in the office from about 9 to 2:30 – but most of that was just talking with people and catching up on what’s going on. I then came home and worked online until about 5. Scott and I then napped from about 5-7:30 p.m. I didn’t have my usual post-op sleeping problems this time. Haha I was out like a light – and I could have slept longer if I wanted to.

Frustration
I know I am not suppose to compare myself to others on this journey, but I am frustrated that my weight-loss has stalled. I know all the usual responses – “This isn’t a race” “In due time” “Everyone’s body is different” “You’re probably losing inches” “14 pounds is great!” and so on.

I know 14 pound is great. It’s been great since last Thursday or so. I guess I am frustrated when I see others who had their surgeries when I did already losing 20 or so pounds – and these are people who weigh less than me.

You can’t help but feel frustrated because you work so hard and you’re depriving yourself so much – you expect phenomenal results. I know my time is coming. I know all of the other stuff too. It’s logical, rational thinking. It’s just sometimes you don’t feel logical or rational. So, I am giving myself permission to feel frustrated. I am not going to dismiss my feelings. I am going to feel them, accept them and move on.

If anyone reads this and they too feel frustrated, please don’t let others make you feel bad for feeling that way. I think it’s normal. You come so far (you’ve altered your body in fact!), so naturally you’re going to want the same results others are getting. Just remember, you’re entitled to your feelings and you’re OK for having them.

A total day-brightener
This morning I happened to check my bulk mail folder in my yahoo e-mail box (I usually delete its contents without checking), and I had a personal email from a sweet lady named Martha that somehow got sent there. I opened it up, and it was a letter that totally made my day! I am soooo glad I found it! Here’s an excerpt that really touched my heart:

I have to tell you that for the last hour, I’ve been reading your profile. It is BY FAR, THE most OUTSTANDING profile I have ever read!!! You have been given such a gift and you use it so well. I was mesmerized the whole time and would buy any book you pen! You have found your calling in journalism and communicating, that’s for sure! Thanks so much for sharing your life and thoughts. I can relate to so much of what you feel!

WOW. God is so good.

Thank You God for my many blessings. Bless me and everyone else on this journey. Please protect our health, minds and hearts.

Post-Op Day 9 - Inspiration

Last night, I posted this in the group after I wrote in my journal. I wanted to share it:

Tonight I received an e-mail from my hero - Astronaut Mike Fincke.
Mike and I bonded in the months following the Columbia accident when
he and I did a media tour of his hometown of Pittsburgh.

We spent several days together going from one media outlet to
another. We also went to a Pirates game, where he threw out the first
pitch. In that time, we found that we were kindred spirits, and our
friendship has lasted to this day. He is so personable, humble,
thoughtful and, most of all, incredibly positive.

Mike is so thoughtful and fun that he took my Hello Kitty to space
with him when he went to live aboard the Space Station this past
April for six months.

Anyway, I haven't seen Mike much because he's been super busy since
returning to Earth. I've kept him in my email loop regarding my
surgery. I've received several emails from his wife telling me they
were both cheering for me. But, it wasn't until tonight I heard from
him telling me he's been thinking about me and he's glad to hear that
I'm feeling better.

I decided to use the opportunity to write him a letter thanking him
for inspiring me on this journey. Knowing how everyone here
understands the fears involved with the surgery, and yet we still
push forward, I thought you might be able to relate to what I wrote
him:

***

Mike -

That's sweet you've been thinking of me. I appreciate the thoughts
very much. I won't lie - the first day was filled with horrible pain.
After that, each day just gets better and better.

When I was contemplating the surgery, I kept thinking about how
afraid I was, even though I wanted this so badly and knew this was
where my next phase of life needed to be.

Often, I would think of you and how you must have felt before
blasting off into space and giving up your life here on Earth to live
aboard the Station for six months. It's so dangerous and life-
altering - in a weird way, much like my situation.

I know there had to be an ounce of fear lurking inside of you
somewhere (even though you never showed it), but you knew with all
your heart that you were about to do something you wanted more than
anything. You refused to let your fear overtake your vision and goal.
Instead, you adopted an amazingly positive attitude and you used that
energy to create the most successful Expedition thus far.

I gathered a lot of strength from your example, and I realized that
life is too short to hide from your fears when they stand between you
and your goal. So, like you, I just went for it. I am working on
keeping my positive attitude as well. I wanna be just like Mike. :-)

Thank you for yet again inspiring me Mike. You're very good for me.
Scary huh? hehe

See you soon!

Hugs,
M

Today, I recevied this wonderful post back from a lady in the group:

Dear sweet melissa,

I am so glad that you are doing so well...WOW!!! Have you been using your
tremendous writing talent in your present job? If not, you've missed your
calling!! You are so elequent and "open and honest" in your e-mails which
express the feelings and emotions that many of us who have been through the
surgery have experienced.

My prayers are with you and rejoice with you my sister!

Love and blessings,
Linda

And so I wrote this in response...

awww thank you Linda. *blush* This email means so much to me!

I don't get to write as much as I use to. However, in exchange, I get
to motivate and be a positive force for my team of 21. I oversee
communications and outreach in the Public Affairs office at NASA, so
luckily - even if I am not writing - I am able to lead a group of
creative people.

My background is journalism, and I started out as a daily newspaper
reporter who worked the crime beat. Doing that for three years really
opened up my eyes.

Most who don't know me well think I am a Pollyanna who is an over-the-
top optimist. In actuality, I am a total realist. I just choose to
create my own world, and I chose to make it a positive one. I've seen
enough battered women, car wrecks and dead bodies in my life to know
that I've got it really, really good, and I choose to be thankful for
that and to work with what I have.

After working as a media relations specialist for Goodwill Industries
of Kentucky (another eye-opening experience), I returned to the
newspaper as lifestyle editor. I was able to write a column then, and
I decided to make it more than just me rambling.

In 1999, I read a huge article where a reporter did an end-of-life
story with a woman dying of cancer. While it was so sad, it
felt...sterile. First of all, the article was published after the
woman died - so she never saw it. Plus, it lacked true feeling.

I then prayed and told God that if He ever trusted me, I would want
to do a similar article - but I would give it my heart and soul. I
wanted to show what one life means in this world.

I then let it go, thinking that sometime down the road He would give
me an answer. Well, not more than a week passed, a general phone was
ringing in the newsroom that anyone could answer. I picked it up and
on the other end was a woman telling me how her beloved friend Angie
was dying of cancer. She wanted to know if we could publicize her
benefit event.

The woman talked about how wonderful, sweet and open Angie is, and
how tragic her terminal illness is. I then felt bold and asked her if
she thought her friend would be interested in being featured in the
paper. The woman said, "Angie would LOVE it."

I soon knocked on Angie's door. When she opened it, I knew God had
given me an answer.

I spent almost eight months writing a series of columns about Angie,
a 31-year-old single mother of two. She had an amazing spirit that
cancer had to work overtime to kill. Once she was incoherent, I then
turned my focus on her mother.

I spent many nights as Angie hovered between life and death. I had a
lot of time do some thinking about my life. When Angie died, I was
devastated. However, I took with me the reality that we all have very
little time to make the most of what we're given.

So, I left an unhappy marriage to a really good man (just not the
good man for me). After meeting Scott online, talking to him for six
months before meeting, and then spending eight more months traveling
back and forth from Indiana to Houston, I picked up my life and moved
down here.

I lucked into my job at NASA, and the rest is history. And I never
looked back.

Life is about taking chances and calculated risks. That's why I
admire everyone in this room for even considering the surgery -
whether you've had it or not. To consider it means that you are
willing to do probably the boldest thing you've ever done in your
life for a shot at a better way of life.

To face the fact that we're so overweight we get the title "morbidly
obese" was, for me, excruciatingly difficult. We try so hard to
compensate for it. However, this surgery gives us a way to use that
energy to OVERCOME it.

I have felt compelled to write a daily motivational book for a long
time. I feel like God gives me sometimes great insight into the human
spirit - more than I could ever see on my own. Sometimes I hate it,
because I see things I don't want to see. However, most of the time,
what I see allows me to connect with people on a very deep level - as
deep as they want to connect that is.

Anyway, I've rambled enough about me. I just wanted you to understand
where I come from with my writings and what I say. Angie's story
taught me many lessons in life. I just don't live for me, I live for
her too.

Thank you
Melissa

P.S. If you want to read Angie's Story, here's the link:
http://members.aye.net/~davis/angie.htm

This is an old site. My email address listed there is not valid. But
the story is all there in its entirety.

Thank You God for the life experiences you have given me. Each one, good and not so good, all had a purpose in my life.

Post-Op Day 8 - Doubts

All day, I have felt under the weather. I’m not sick, it’s just that food didn’t appeal to me and I am so exhausted still. Tonight’s walk was the opposite of last night’s. It was filled with intense emotion and some regret. I asked myself, “Why did you do this to yourself??”

Then I stopped and questioned myself. “Am I asking myself why did I do this surgery – or why did I let myself get so big and out of control?”

Either way, the reality just made me so sad and depressed. I am not totally regretting the surgery, as I know it will have great benefits. It’s just that right now, I am probably in the hibernation phase people talk about. To learn more, go here: http://www.gastricbypassfamily.com/Hibernation.html

I told myself that when I feel better again and feel like smiling, I will not take that feeling of joy for granted.

When I came home, I told Scott that I had been crying and that I felt so sad. Being the wonderful man he is, he just hugged me and said he knew these emotions would come. He said that I’ve been so “up” – almost too “up” – the entire time. He said besides the first five hours where I was very cranky because I was in such pain, my attitude has been really positive.

I told him that I have to be positive in this journey – it’s essential for success. He said he understood totally –but I have to realize that I am going to have these moments. He said in six months from now, I will be through all this and I will be thrilled I had the surgery. I know he’s right – but right now it’s hard to see through the heavy fog.

I then sat down at my desk and saw that I had e-mail. It was from Dotti – a woman in my online support group. We don’t know each other or even exchange e-mails on a regular basis, so I was intrigued that she had written me. She was responding to my post in the group called “The Drain went away – yay!”

Here’s what she said:

Melissa, You go girl. Cherish the moment and the new life God has given to you.
Dotti

I was floored. It said everything I needed to hear. I wrote her back…

awww thank you...I needed to read this. I just got in from a walk where I cried and cried. I feel so blah today - physically and mentally. It's been the first time I've truly questioned myself on this decision I’ve made. I knew I would have such moments, but it is so intense.

I know in my heart that God has blessed me with this tool, and I am so thankful. But right now it doesn't feel so much like a tool but a hindrance, you know? I feel cut off from the world. I know this feeling will pass, but for the moment, it is so overwhelming.

To find this email right now from you says to me that God worked through you to talk to me when I needed it most. Thank you, Dotti. I appreciate this more than you know.

Hugs,
Melissa


It truly is a message from God telling me He has purposely given me this new life. There’s no mistake about it. Dotti’s note was sent earlier this evening, and I never saw it until a little bit ago. When I read her words, I knew this was an important message from God.

When I showed Scott, I just started crying again. He just hugged and kissed me over and over telling me that I am doing so good and that I’ve come so far and how proud he is of me. I love him so much - he’s the most amazing blessing I’ve ever received from God. I never want to take him for granted either.

Thank You God for reaching out to me through Scott and Dotti. I never doubt that You’re there, but this only serves to remind me just how close You really are to me. I know I need to lean on You in these hard times and trust You.

Thank you God for everything. Please bless me and everyone else who is on this intense journey.

Post-Op Day 7 - Farewell drain and hello to my new life!

Well, today was the day I was greatly looking forward to – and it didn’t disappoint!

Right now, before I get into it all, I want to stop and say just how thankful I am for my blessings. I never ever want to take how smooth everything is going for granted. I know many people struggle at this stage, and some die during or right after surgery. I will forever be thankful and grateful that I am doing well. I realize things can change at a second’s notice, so I cherish the good things with all my heart. Thank be to God.

Today, I hade my one-week follow-up appointment with Julius at Dr. N’s office. It was a pleasure to get on the scale and see that I was down 12 pounds! Woo hoo! That was such a great feeling! My BMI is down from 50.7 to 48.9. YAY FOR ME!

I was so stressed about getting the drain taken out. However, being the pro he is, Julius took it right out with NO pain! Thank you Julius!

He said I am doing just fine. That was such a relief to hear!!! He said I could drive now (Yay! Freedom!), and I could return to work Monday. I plan to work half-days Monday through Wednesday.

My boss, however, said she doesn’t want me to push it, and if I need half days after that – then take them. She made me promise I wouldn’t push myself (knowing I tend to be an overachiever). Haha I thanked her profusely for being so flexible with all this. She said, “I wouldn’t be if you haven’t earned it.” Yet another blessing to count.

Anyway, Scott and I had a great talk with Julius, and I left feeling really great and pumped! And for the record, Scott is still the greatest! It means so much to me that he goes with me to appointments. It is so critical, as we start this new life together. Thank you Scott! I love you SOOOOOOO much!

The other great part is that today I was released to the full-liquid diet. It felt like my whole world grew! Scott and I stopped at Kroger on the way home. The moment I walked in, the smell of food hit me. But you know what, it didn’t appeal to me. It was just wild to walk in and look at the grocery so differently. You just notice HOW MUCH food there is in there. Haha I didn’t long for it either.

By the time I got home, I felt realllly tired. I did some work from home, and I also sent out an email to my many coworkers who are supporting me on this journey telling them I will be back two days sooner than I anticipated. I received sooooo many positive emails. It made me feel awesome!

I wanted to share one that especially touched my heart. You have to know it’s from a beautiful woman is about 5’1”and 90 pounds. I think it is awesome she can be so supportive when I am sure she has no clue as to what I struggle with. Anyway, here goes…

Wow! I can't believe you'll be back so soon. I'm really proud of you.
It's such a bold step, but I never expect anything less from you. I'm
really glad to hear things went well. You have my strongest
encouragement and support: You go, girl!

I just adore your courage and spirit. You're a beautiful woman -- all
that glitters.

Celebrate yourself! Here's to you. Take care, and we'll see you soon.

Your diva shadow,
Amiko


Isn’t that awesome?

On to other things…
I tried to take my first crushed pill today. It was first mixed in pudding. It tasted awful. I then crushed another one and mixed it with lite grape juice. It too was horrible. A little while after that, I started having pain on my right side.

At my visit with Julius, he told me I always need to call him if 1. I can’t stop vomiting 2. I can’t hold down liquids 3. I have pain for more than an hour.

So, I called him when I realized it wasn’t going away. He said whatever I ate didn't agree with me and to drink water/gatorade and walk. So I did and it went away. What a relief!

It is so scary whenever you feel an ache or pain. You can’t help but wonder if it is something that will kill you. Julius said I will feel all kinds of weird feelings and pains and aches over the next year and a half. Again, the ones I need to worry about are the extended ones. So, Julius saves the day again! I owe that man big time.

After that, I tried to nap. I think I slept, but not very good. I just feel tired but restless. My mind won’t stop going in thousands of directions. Last night I slept better than I had all week. OH! My throat thing went away finally! Last night in bed, I had a big coughing fit. After that, the feeling was gone. Who knows what’s up? I am just relieved!

After I got up from the nap, I took Katie for a walk. I love my walks with her – and I know she loves them with me. In fact, she won’t go out alone with anyone else if I am around. I always have to go.

Anyway, she and I walked around the whole neighborhood. I listened to my meditation music as I walked. The weather has gotten colder and there was quite a breeze. Although it was night, the clouds were dark in some areas – light in others. It was beautiful. As I walked, I kept thinking how I can’t believe that one week ago I was in the worst pain in my life and now here I am walking like I did before surgery.

I just thanked God for the blessings He’s given me, and I just absorbed the energy of the moment. I embraced the changes I am going to be facing as I opened my arms out and let the wind whip my body. It was truly a divine moment.

I am scared but, more so, I am ready. I open my life to all the positives that God is about to bring to me. Change is hard – even when it’s good change. However, I am not going to run from it. I am going to meet it head on and invite it into my life.

God, thank You for today. Please continue to bless me and bless each person who is on this journey.

Post-Op Day 6 - Oh what a night...and a lot of insight!

My throat totally felt swollen last night. So much, I got really worried. This is the recap I posted to the support group:

As you all know, I have been having some problems with feeling that
my throat is swelling - making it hard to swallow. At first, I
thought it might be some kind of complication with the surgery. But
then I learned it wasn't.

Regardless, last night it seemed to be getting worse. So much so, it
scared me. Every time I tried to sleep, it would feel like my air was
cutting off because of the swelling. I even tried sleeping sitting
up. I couldn't.

I racked my brain trying to think if I was having an allergic
reaction to anything. I don't have any known allergies, so it was
definitely hard to think of something.

I finally just gave up and called a not-too-thrilled Julius. I felt
horrible, but I am told by everyone repeatedly to call Dr. N's office
when I have problems. I wasn't going to sit and self-diagnose, you
know?

Anyway, he just bluntly told me to go to the emergency room - "MY
emergency room."

So we travelled the distance to Memorial Hermann Memorial City's
emergency room. We were there from 2-5 a.m. They couldn't find
anything wrong, but luckily they could rule out any allergic
reactions.

The doc was great. She knew something was definitely up, but she
could not find any signs of swelling. What she and I think happened
is that the tube down my throat in surgery left me very tender in
that area. And, when I drank a little-too-warm broth two nights ago,
it might have scalded it and created some swelling down in there. I
drank some warm broth last night, and perhaps it caused it to flare
up again.

The doc said that my breathing airway is 99 percent open, so things
are just fine - albeit a little scary for me.

She had to call Dr. N for another one of his patients she had, so she
threw my info in. He said I could stay, be admitted and have scope
check it out, or I could go home and see how it goes. Scott and I
decided that I should go home. If it gets worse, we'll deal with it
through the other option.

Anyway, we came home and I just woke up. I am so exhausted and
frustrated. However, I try to see the positive side. At least I have
peace of mind that nothing is seriously wrong like massive swelling.

Other than that - I feel very, very good! :-) Last night when I
weighed at the emergency room, I was already down 11 pounds according
to their scales. So that's good news.

I just wanted to share...Thanks for your support.

Anyway...it's been ok today. I still feel it. I went and laid on the couch earlier, and it is feels bad again. So I guess I have another uncomfortable night ahead of me. I am feeling exhausted.

Other than that - I'm feeling much better than I ever thought I would be feeling six days post-op. :-) I did some work from home and I really burned up the message boards!

My first surreal WLS moment...

At the emergency room, the nurse asked me how much I weighed. I started to answer my starting weight, but stopped and said, "You know - I really don't know." It was the weirdest feeling.

He said, well let's get you on the scale and see. He was so nice...he pushed the weight to 150...I said, Thank you for being kind, but keep pushing to 300."

His scale said 314, which would be an 11-pound loss if it were Naaman's scale.

I thought to myself, "WOW this is really going to happen!"

When you're in the middle of the broth-clear liquids phase, and you're newly post-op, I think you forget that there ARE going to rewards to this hard work! :-)

Next...
Tomorrow is my appointment with Julius. He will take out the drain! I am so excited about it but, again, the thought of it scares me since I've heard some say it hurts! I won't miss this thing one bit!

I am excited to see what their scale says! Also, once I get checked out, I will hopefully graduate to full liquids. YEE HA! I am sooo excited I can't stand it!

PANIC!
Today I had my first panic attack over the surgery. I just started craving food and the reality of me not being able to eat it totally hit me. Scott said, "Now you know what it's like to try and stop smoking."

I said, "Well imagine that you've surgically altered your body where, once you quit, you couldn't go back when you really wanted one or it would hurt (or possibly kill) you if you gave in?"

I grabbed a bottle of Gatorade, sat down at my office, sipped while I closed my eyes and chilled out. I was so glad when the feeling passed over me. I think when I am able to at least eat something of substance (even if it is just pudding or yogurt), I won't be as panicked. Liquids and broth are tough on the mind.

For pre-ops and post-ops...
I posted this in my doctor’s online support group, but I thought it might be good to share here too…

Today I got an e-mail from my coworker who is going to have the RNY surgery. She first thought it was going to be Dec. 30, but she had to do more testing. She learned that she has severe sleep apnea and erosion in her esophagus.

Her date is being pushed back to February, so that she can be fitted for a CPAP and so that she can begin taking Nexium. Like most pre-ops, she is frustrated. The day can't get here soon enough for her.

I replied back to her with a lengthy email. After writing it, I realized it's a letter I would like to share with all pre-ops and new post-ops, like me.

So, here goes...

I am really glad you're learning these things about your health before your surgery. I know February seems like forever, but God has perfect timing. Let me tell you, you WANT to get those things diagnosed and fixed.

This surgery takes your strength and defenses down to ZERO for a few days. Sure, I bounced back faster than I EVER dreamed, but because I had a few days at zero, it will be a struggle to get the strength and defenses back up to where I had them.

With that said, it's amazing how your body recovers from one day of sheer hell. I thought I would never shake that - but after about two days, the pain I went through became a blur in my mind.

This first week on water, Gatorade, Crystal Light and broth has been a struggle at times. It's not like I want to gorge myself on food - I actually feel full a lot. It's just that sometimes you realllly miss knowing you can grab a handful of popcorn or grill a hamburger or eat a piece of chocolate.

Right now I am in the in-between stage. I've gone past the point of no return. I can't take it back. It's non-negotiable. I've altered my life forever.

Now, if I were sitting here 30 or 40 pounds lighter, I would say, "WHO CARES! I'm losing substantial weight for the first time in my life!"

But I'm not.

And that's the hardest place to be; the second hardest is where you're at now: The final wait.

Being in-between is very hard. You can see a better future just ahead, but you can't get there fast enough - no matter how much you pray, beg, pout or want.

I am choosing to be positive about being in-between. I am focusing myself. I am really envisioning how I want to change. I am listing what I want to be like - inside and out. I am creating a mental image of the improved me so I have a blueprint to work from. I am listing things I want to do, and physical activities I am going to perform, and I am developing the image I want to exude.

When I was waiting like you, I did the same thing. I developed a blueprint. I am glad I did it then because now I can refine it. I got it all out at first, now I am really getting excited because I am able to shape that even more and I am liking what I see.

In this journey, we're not going to have too many times where we have this kind of breathing room. As everyone tells me, it's a roller coaster ride so hold on. I've also been told that this is a gift we're receiving, so we need to use it wisely.

I am following every rule possible and I am thanking God for this opportunity daily. There are not too many times you get a do-over in life. Neither of us can jump into it blindly. You need a plan. I know there will be many surprises along the way. We might not end up where we envisioned, but I can promise you that we'll be much happier, content and ready to take on the world because we have vision.

I know I have said a lot, but I hope you read it with an open heart. Trust that everything is working out just as planned. :-)

Love you lots!
Melissa

I received a great response to this from my group leader:

Wow. This is so eloquent and so very on target. Melissa, you are
such a wise and beautiful woman ... inside and out. Thank you for
being a part of this dynamic group and for making it just that -- so
very dynamic!

You know, you are absolutely right about having a vision, making a
plan. That was what I did. I asked myself those questions ... Who
am I? Who do I wish to become? What's my style? What do I want to
do that I haven't been able to do because of the weight? What does
my new life look like?

It has been an incredible journey, but had I not envisioned those
things ahead of time, I think I would have been a bit lost. You are
smart to see it in your mind, wrap yourself around it, embrace the
wonderful new you that you are already becoming, and start now to
love yourself.

Thanks again for sharing this ... GREAT words of wisdom for pre-ops,
new post-ops, and those of us further out that need to get some of
the newness and wonder back so that we refocus and go for our dreams.

And this was my reply...

Awww thank you *blush*

You will find as you get to know me more, I am all about self-
empowerment.

Even at my highest weight, I refused to bite into the poison apple
presented by "society" that you can only be happy and sexy if you're
thin. That's a lie. Sexy comes in all sizes and so do happy people.

Liz can confirm I have always preached that attitude is everything
and you must love yourself as-is. I don't think you can be truly
successful in this journey – or any life journey really - if you
don't love yourself as-is. You will never be fulfilled. Something
will always be missing.

I learned to love myself as-is a long time ago. I embraced my
sensuality and I ensured that I had a happy spirit and a fulfilled
soul by working on being good to me and expecting nothing but the
best for myself.

For me, I didn't do this surgery to become somebody else...I did it
to ensure I would have great health as I get older. However, I am not
going to fool myself into thinking that my extra weight hasn't
affected me at all. Of course it has. I just didn't let it eat me to
the core.

Knowing that my life would improve even more with the weight loss, I
realized that I had to create a new blueprint for myself so I could
make the most of this gift. I've done two other blueprints in my
life, and both times I exceeded the expectations of the me that I
wanted to become. I achieved success both times beyond my wildest
imagination.

It feels so good knowing where you're going and what you truly want
in life - it ensure you're going to be a success no matter how the
end result ends up being.

I also am not making this journey my last big goal in life. I think a
lot of people trip up there. They have no plans for what happens once
they reach goal weight. For me, after this phase is done, I plan to
go back to college and get a higher degree. Then, I plan to write my
best-seller self-help book (I am a lousy fiction writer).

Perhaps I will reach the second goal before the first. Who knows...I
just know that those new phases will require blueprints too. . :-)

Kim I truly love your wisdom and motivational skills. You're an
incredible leader. I also love your insightfulness. In fact, the
insightfulness of you and this group is what keeps me coming back.
This isn't a place where people whine about not eating twinkies -
it's a place to explore the REAL issues. People who think there are
no real issues with weight-loss surgery are destined to fail. Plain
and simple.

To me, issues are not negatives - just opportunities to grow and
learn even more about myself. I might do so grudgingly, but at least
I am doing it and becoming a better person for it. That's what I like
about everyone here - we discuss the not-so-good stuff, and we still
keep pressing forward.

Thank you all for being who you are. This is indeed a blessed union
of kindred spirits.

Melissa

She then wrote me back a private response that was so sweet....

I just have to say ... You rock! Thank you (again) for so eloquently expressing yourself and what so many of us feel and think (are you inside my head?!?) ;-)

You are already light years ahead of many people on the board (me included, I dare say) in loving yourself and expecting nothing but the best for yourself. I wish I'd had a fraction of that kind of confidence when I was 350 lbs! I had it some, but not nearly to the degree you do, and not nearly as healthy as you.

I'm truly blessed to know you. Thank you for letting me (and others on the board) celebrate the journey with you. Can't wait to see you Sunday(I hope!).

So that really made my day! :-) OK wish me luck on sleeping tonight and getting the drain out tomorrow!

God thank you for another good, safe day. Please bless me.

Post-Op Day 5 - Blessings

Today has been really good so far. It has moved more quickly than the past four days it seems.

I actually worked today from home. There was a report due and, instead of making people wait until my boss returned from vacation tomorrow, I did it from home.

It has felt sooooooooooooo great to feel productive! Also, emailing back and forth with people has really passed the time! YAY! This drain will be removed in no time!

Let me clear my throat...
I have had some weird feeling in my throat since after writing in my journal last night. I don't know what in the world is wrong with it. It has felt swollen.

Anyway, I think I might have figured it out. This is what I posted to the support group:

I think my throat might feel swollen because I might have drank too hot of broth last night. It wasn't THAT hot, but maybe my skin is delicate from the tube I had in surgery and it was hot enough to scald it a little and make it swell?

I remember I started feeling it last night after drinking some broth. It felt weird going down. After that, it felt swollen and weird. I just drank some more warm broth, and I felt that same feeling again.

I dunno...as long as it's not a complication, I can live with it. :-)

Just wanted to share!
Melissa

Progress report

I definitely think I've lost 10 pounds now! I am so excited! I just have to do that 17 more times, and I am there. haha How's THAT for positive thinking?

Woo hoo! A woman in our support group posted that she has lost 100 pounds in less than six months! WOW! I am so happy for her! I told L that I cannot EVEN imagine me losing that in a year - let alone six months. WOW!

I think I am still in the mindset that great things like that happen to other people. But for me, I will be the first it doesn't work for. haha Oh well, I know God has His perfect plan, and I am just going with the flow.

I am able to drink A LOT more now. I drank 10 ounces of broth in less than an hour, and by noon I had drank 3/4 of a pint of water and about 18 ounces of Gatorade.

I am peeing fairly regularly, and I finally had a bowel movement last night at one or two this morning. So, (knock on wood) it seems like things are healing nicely. :-)

I have been feeling lightheaded and a little dizzy still. It might be the anesthesia wearing off. Who knows. I will ask on Wednesday.

I am blessed
Before this gets too old, I wanted to share the letter that I sent out before my surgery. I think it will show how I approach things with friends and family. I know some people receive negative responses when they tell people. However, I refused to open the door. I wanted to set the tone up front.

Here's the letter:

Hi all -

Since you are my friends, I wanted to let you know that my life is about to change in a major way: I am going to be having gastric bypass surgery on Wednesday.

Today is my last day at work. I will be in the hospital until Friday if all goes well. I will return to work hopefully by the 12th.

What this means for me is that my stomach will be reduced to the size of an egg, and it will only hold several ounces per meal. It will obviously limit my food intake for a while until it stretches out some. After about a year, I will be able to eat most things again and my stomach will hold a cup of food or so per meal.

Here will be my menu for the upcoming weeks:

The first week: Liquids only (Unsweetened fruit juice, water, Gatorade, Propel, tea, coffee)
Weeks 2-6: The same as above plus cream of wheat, cream soups, broth, yogurt, Carnation sugar-free Instant Breakfast, etc. (basically anything I can get through a straw)
Weeks 7-12: The same as above plus soft foods (eggs, pasta, etc.)

After that, I will basically eat a normal high-protein and healthy carb (fruits and veggies) diet - I just won't eat as much food as most people. :-)

I wanted to let you all know this because, over the next year, my appearance will change quite a bit. The weight loss from this is pretty rapid. For instance, I could be down 20 pounds in a month or so - perhaps 40 in three months. To combat the stress this puts on my system, I will be taking vitamins and supplements to balance things out.

Anyway…I know some people have strong negative opinions about the surgery and that's fine. I am not doing this for other people - I am doing this for me. :-) My health is actually very good (great blood pressure, great cholesterol levels, no physical problems). I want to keep it that way for the future; this surgery will help me achieve that goal.

Don't worry - I am not just jumping into this blindly. Being that I am a journalist by trade, I have been researching all the ins and outs of this surgery for months. I am confident in my decision. This will be a difficult and wonderful journey all rolled into one.

I feel very blessed because my wonderful husband Scott is super supportive of me, as are my family members, my boss Jeanne and those who already know about the surgery. All that means the world to me. My success definitely will take teamwork, and I hope you want to be part of my winning team. :-)

Until I see you all again, be safe and know that you are so very special to me. I appreciate you sending me any prayers and positive energy.

Melissa :-)

I received so many positive responses. I want to share a few…

I have a friends who's mom went through this a couple of years ago…she is now even more (or less (tee hee)) of a hottie and doing better than ever! And like you…she did it for herself!! Good luck and God bless!! I'll keep you in my prayers for sure!!
Rachel
****
I will definitely keep you in my prayers…I hope that everything goes smoothly for you. PLEASE keep me updated during your absence.
<3 ya! Deandra
****
Melissa,
I wish you all the luck in the world!! You're so brave for doing this.
Please let Gregg and I know if you or Scott need anything, not only during the time of your surgery and recovery, but at anytime day or night.
Maybe once you're up for it, we can all go out on a date to a juice bar :-)
All of our thoughts and prayers will be with you!!!

love you,
Allison
****
Dear Melissa:
Best of luck to you. I will most definitely be sending positive thoughts and energy your way. Don't worry about what others may think! It's your life and you are doing what you feel is best for you. If they cannot understand that, then they are not your friend. Take care of yourself and God bless! :-) E!
****
Melissa, I am SO excited for you. When I heard this on Sunday I was a little surprised. You are such a beautiful person already and you seem absolutely comfortable just the way you are. I believe that people HAVE to do what they need to do or it is just a waste of life. This will be a wonderful adventure for you even if it isn't always easy. I am absolutely in support of your decision if you are comfortable with it. Prayers for you have already gone up on your behalf and many more each time I think of you. If you need ANYTHING let me know. Thanks for giving us that information and keeping us in the loop it is really thoughtful of you. I'm looking forward to seeing your changes. Good luck and God bless. Ronnie and Sherri
****
Melissa,

I just saw your message and I want to wish you good luck. You are a strong woman and I am proud that you are taking such measures to care for your health. As for your new diet-- you are a brave woman :) Please keep me up-to-date. I love hearing from you.
~Lisa
****
Oh My Gosh!!! I just heard about it this morning. My prayers will be with you, I know this is a very difficult and life-changing procedure. I'll do my best to minimize the chocolate temptations in my mailbox.
And, by the way, I think you look beautiful just the way you are -- inside and out! But I'm sure this is something you really want to do for you. Whatever makes you feel good....go for it!
Best of luck with everything.
Linda
****
Oh, Melissa.
I am going to pray that you have a speedy recovery. You will do just fine. Keep God first and he WILL work everything out for you. I hate I didn't get a chance to give you a big hug today before I left but, you WILL be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there and I will see you when you return.
Dee
****
Melissa, I will certainly keep you in my prayers and add you to our prayer list in my Sunday school class. I think it's a brave thing you are doing and wish you success in your new figure. Also I'm glad you're not concerned about some people's negative thoughts on this surgery. You're right! You are doing it for you, not for them. Thank you for letting me know and including me in your circle of friends. Take care and God be with you.
Bev
****
Liquids only?...alcohol is a liquid.
I'm sure this was a hard decision for you and your family, I'm very happy for you on this next step in your life.
Don't hesitate to ask for help, you will be in our thoughts.
With your positive attitude and personality I know it will be a complete success.
See you very soon
Paul
****
I trust you on this. I know it will be work and I have every confidence you can handle it. I'm there for you!
Betty
****
You probably won't get this until you return, but I love you and wish you the best, Melissa. My sister was to have this surgery years ago, but it never happened for money reasons. I support your decision 100% and hope that it brings about the changes that you want to see in your life.
Julie
****
I will be thinking of you tomorrow. *hugs*

For those who are skeptical, they obviously don't know that living life requires taking risks. The risks we take are rewarded... there is no reward in not living your life to the fullest. You are simply taking a step towards that.

Cassie and I will see you soon!

Donna
****
So glad you shared this with us - we'll be praying for you!
Renita and Mike
***
Melissa,
Just wanted you to know I’ve been thinking about you and hope that you are doing fine. Not sure you are even checking e-mail, but if you are, this is just a “hi” from me. I am sure things will go fine for you. That was such a major step and I know you found out all you could before making a decision. You always do a thorough research job. Anyway, I’m proud of you for being strong enough to make a decision that will change your life for the better. I’m keeping you in my prayers that you continue to do well.
Donna B.

Finally, on the morning of my surgery, I had the most beautiful letter ever waiting for me in my inbox with the subject line: “To my beautiful wife.” It was from Scott. I hold these words so close to my heart. I love you Scott!!!! THANK YOU!

My love,

Today you embark on another journey -- a very big journey. Perhaps the biggest one yet. In many ways it would have to be. Not too many journeys start with major surgery but this time, for you, it does.

I love you so much Melissa and I am so happy for you that all of your work and research is paying off quickly. I know how you hate to wait. I know this time you were kind of counting on waiting a little longer than you did but I think it's for the better that you didn't. If it had taken longer I think you might have had enough time to talk yourself out of this.

I have never once pushed you in this direction, this has been all on your own, just like buying our beautiful home. You have accomplished so much in such a short time -- accomplishments that a few years ago, I'm sure, you would have thought were all impossible. You made all of them happen!

And now, for the first time ever in the history of man, a butterfly gets to go back to the cocoon and become a totally different butterfly.....again. That's it in a nutshell for me and I hope you believe that. I think you are so beautiful and I can't tell you that enough. I think you know that already. I want you to be happy with yourself though -- truly happy, and I think this is just the ticket for you.

You'll never ever disappoint me by doing what it takes to make you happy, just never be afraid to tell me what I need to do though to make you happy if I'm not already doing it. I'm Martian, cut me some slack, will ya?

Know that while you sleep, I am always with you - through thick AND thin :-)

I love you

Post-Op Day 4 - A little more low-key of a day

Today was a little more low-key. Haha I’ve been a little lightheaded, but not as much as yesterday. I am still realllllllly fatigued. I napped for quite a while this afternoon. I am trying to stay up until 10 or so in order for me to sleep through the night. I did that last night, and I think it made a big difference. "That’s my plan," I type as I yawn.

My diarrhea is gone and now my bowel movements have come to a grinding halt. I hope I am not constipated. That creates its own problems I think. I will see how it goes tomorrow.

Drain Drain, Go Away
I am eager to get the drain out on Wednesday. It is annoying and sometimes a little painful. I feel like it keeps me from feeling like a whole person right now.

I have some anxiety about it being removed though. I didn’t think it would hurt, but now several people have said that it does. UGH. I told myself that hopefully (knock on wood) that will be the last major pain from this surgery, so I can handle it. Sounds good anyway, huh? I’m thinking positive!

New things to keep me busy
Today Scott went to Barnes and Noble for me. He bought me a paint-by-numbers kit. I can’t wait until I feel like doing it. I haven’t done it in years, but I think it will be fun!

He also bought me two books: A Weight-Loss Surgery diary and cookbook called “Before and After,” as well as Carnie Wilson’s book “…

(WOW…I just did a search to find Carnie’s book title and I found an article from September that says she is expecting her first child!! That is soooo exciting! I know being the weight she was, conceiving would have been hard for her. Yet another miracle from her surgery! I have infertility, but I hope that this surgery will allow us to conceive someday. I just have to have that hope, you know? I am destined to be a Mommy somehow, someway.)

Anyway, the book is called “I’m Still Hungry: Finding Myself Through Thick and Thin.” I’ve skimmed through both, and they are definitely worth the purchase!

He also went to Panera Bread Co. and bought me a variety of soups to strain the broth. I’ve only been interested in the Chicken Noodle Soup today for some reason. I think my taste buds are in a tizzy. I also noticed my sense of smell is very sensitive. Luckily, its focus is on good-smelling things – like cologne, etc.

Anyway, Scott is still the wonderful nurse/broth nazi. He went out for a while and had lunch with a friend. He had one our favorite Mexican restaurants. Part of me is ok with it; part of me misses the hell out of just going out to eat.

My big treat of the day was the broth from the Chicken Noodle Soup from Panera's that Scott got me and drinking Crystal Light Pink Lemonade and Raspberry Ice! I had forgotten to get the Crystal Lights in the fridge, so Scott put them in today. I tried them both and it’s like my whole world was opened up by two new things! haha

I am able to drink a lot more and kinda feel hungry all the time, so having new stuff helped give me some pleasure.


The In-Between
I’ve lost almost 10 pounds already! In Weight Watchers, that would have taken me a month or so. Of course, there’s a lot less pain involved with Weight Watchers. Haha However, I know as the weight starts coming off, I will know without a doubt that this was the best decision for me.

I know that now of course. Yet, it’s hard when you’re in the in-between. But, I know the in-between is an essential part of this journey. I’ve discussed it before in my pre-op journal…but it’s so true. The in-between times are the hardest, but it’s where we learn a lot about ourselves and gain our focus. I choose to view this positively.

Today I read in the “Before and After” book that talked about the in-between phase. The author says that I know I am at a point where I can’t turn back, but I haven’t had the weight loss that will eventually make this feel all worthwhile. Same thing as I mentioned earlier basically.

I am choosing to use this time to visualize my future and really plan on all the things I’ve waited my entire life to do. It’s amazing when you stop and think about all the ways you’ve held yourself back because of the weight – the excuses are enough to make you feel horrible.

For me, I am an active person. Yet, I know my weight has held me back. You don’t even realize that’s the case – it’s just part of your life. Things are just not accessible to you like they are to regular-size people. You also simply lack the abilities. I think losing this weight is truly going to be an eye-opening experience for me.

In closing…
I just sneezed for the first time since surgery. OUCH! Ok I am going to end this. I am then going to shower, read and go to bed. YAY!

Thank You God for this good day. Please bless me tomorrow.

Post-Op Day 3 - Dehydration

1:56 p.m. - I posted the following in my yahoo support group:

Hi all -

Since about 2 a.m. last night, I have felt lightheaded. It kind of
surprised me because I have felt pretty good up until that point.

At first I thought maybe I was tired, since I am not sleeping well.
But, I just unrinated a little bit ago and it was darker than usual.
So, I upped my Gatorade.

I've been having frequent diarrhea – so I though perhaps this is
draining me faster than I can intake.

I've been walking today - two times for a total of 20 minutes. The
second time, however, I was very lightheaded.

I was going to ask for advice, but I knew you all would say, "call
the doctor." haha So, I did.

They paged Julius and he called me right back. I felt so bad for
taking him away from New Year's Day. :-(

He told me to significantly up my gatorade intake in addition to my
water and broths. I asked if I needed to stay ahead of the diarrhea -
he said yes. He said it will take 24 hours for me to get things back
in balance.

He also told me to only walk 10 minutes at a time - five in one
direction; five to return.

I seriously thought I was drinking ample amounts - but I guess I
wasn't. So, this is a message to anyone who is considering the
surgery, be ready to drink, drink, drink. There's no time to miss
food when you drink like this!

Ok Just wanted to share! Glub...Glub...

Melissa

Post-Op Day 3 - Another day down

8:38 p.m. - Ok I've made it through the most of this day. I find myself feeling hungry. Or am I just tired of Gatorade, broth, water and Propel? haha

The diarrhea has calmed down, but my urine is still darker than I would like. I will keep chugging liquids. I worry about stretching my pouch, but Julius said liquids go through fast.

I am going to watch some TV, and then hopefully sleep through the night. I walked about 40 minutes total today - so that's good. Hopefully I won't be dizzy tomorrow and can walk longer.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. God please bless me. Thank You.

Post-Op Day 3 - Food dreams and a NEW ME!

6:34 a.m. - Ok I am back up. I am not as freaked out as I was. But I did want to share about my dreams. I’ve had several now where I find myself gorging on food; only to remember that I’ve had this surgery.

Sometimes I try minimizing the surgery to others so they don’t think I am a hog. Other times I stop eating and panic because I know all that food is going to make me sick. In my various dreams, I’ve had Mexican food and gas station junk food, as well as desserts and party foods.

As of now, I don’t miss food. The thought of eating makes me sick, actually. Plus, I know this isn’t permanent. So, I am not mourning its loss. There’s no need to. I will have access to food sooner than I want, probably. That’s why I think my dreams are so strange. Maybe I am working out issues in my dreams?

My dreaming in general has been on overload. The meds really bring out the details. Sometimes they bring out scary dreams too. I don’t like it. Most of all, I am having those repetitive dreams. UGH!!!

The changes are beginning…

I was just looking at myself in the mirror. I know I haven’t lost a ton of weight, but I can tell my tummy is looking less bloated like it was before the surgery. My ass isn’t quite as poofy. I bet once I can wear “normal” clothes again (instead of these t-shirts and workout pants to cover the drain bag), I will be able to tell a difference in how my old clothes fit me.

Before my surgery, I was at my highest weight ever – 324 lbs. I never thought I would let myself get to a miserable weight, but I sure did. I don’t know if I would have let it climb that high if I wasn’t going to get the surgery. I think once I knew the surgery was on its way, I just started eating and eating.

A new me!

I am very focused now on reaching my goal of feeling and looking healthy and great. It still freaks me out that I am going to lose a lot of weight. I just can’t comprehend it yet, you know

Some of my physical-fitness goals are as follows:

• To take body-sculpting classes
• To take aerobics classes
• To do yoga on a regular basis
• To take kickboxing classes
• To take bellydancing classes
• To take salsa dancing classes
• To run!

And, as a reminder, here’s how I want to look like on the outside when all is said and done:

Me: Head to Toe

This is the overall image I am striving for…

• I am physically fit and full of life
• Healthy, shiny and stylish hair
• Good complementary makeup
• Great white smile
• Friendly face that puts others at ease, indicates that I understand and shows my enthusiasm for life
• Good skin
• Crisp, organized, sharp, witty and challenged mind
• Well-rested, vibrant appearance
• Stylish clothes that look great on my healthy shape
• Quality jewelry
• Well-groomed nails
• Lusciously soft skin on body
• Appealing fragrance
• Nice underwear, bras and hosiery
• A posture that says I am proud, open, friendly and vivacious
• Stylish shoes
• Tasteful purse, wallet and checkbook that complement one another
• Overall I am a tight, well put together, great package
• I am intriguing, genuine, authentic and magnetic!

I believe you are only able to attain your goals by visualizing your goals. So, all of this is what I am focusing on as I begin the metamorphosis. Luckily, I already have some of those traits. But, I think even the existing traits will be refined in the process.

Ok I am going to try and nap again. I’ve just finished four ounces of Gatorade.

Post-Op Day 3 - Freak-out time

2:54 a.m. - Ok I am up in the middle of the night. I think I am sleepy, but I’ve been sleeping so much I don’t know. I sorta feel dizzy, but that could be from being sleepy.

I had a pain in my leg, so I immediately thought it could be a pulmonary embolism. While Scott was asleep, I took Katie for a walk. It was misting and drizzling. I walked for 8 minutes.

My leg still has a vague pain, and now my hip on the other side has a dull pain. It’s funny – this is stuff that normally happened to me before the surgery I am sure. I just didn’t notice it as much.

Surely all the walking I’ve done would prevent me getting an embolism. I’ve worked super hard to stay active from the start to avoid it. Of course I read on Yahoo Health all the symptoms, etc. and now I think I have them all. Ugh.

I’ve just read more stuff. I need to stop. I am doing all that I can to ensure I stay healthy. I have to believe they wouldn’t release me if I had a high risk that I didn’t know about. I’ve taken my meds, done the walking, been sleeping and doing my breathing exercises. I need to stop stressing and chill out.