Post-Op Day 8 - Doubts

All day, I have felt under the weather. I’m not sick, it’s just that food didn’t appeal to me and I am so exhausted still. Tonight’s walk was the opposite of last night’s. It was filled with intense emotion and some regret. I asked myself, “Why did you do this to yourself??”

Then I stopped and questioned myself. “Am I asking myself why did I do this surgery – or why did I let myself get so big and out of control?”

Either way, the reality just made me so sad and depressed. I am not totally regretting the surgery, as I know it will have great benefits. It’s just that right now, I am probably in the hibernation phase people talk about. To learn more, go here: http://www.gastricbypassfamily.com/Hibernation.html

I told myself that when I feel better again and feel like smiling, I will not take that feeling of joy for granted.

When I came home, I told Scott that I had been crying and that I felt so sad. Being the wonderful man he is, he just hugged me and said he knew these emotions would come. He said that I’ve been so “up” – almost too “up” – the entire time. He said besides the first five hours where I was very cranky because I was in such pain, my attitude has been really positive.

I told him that I have to be positive in this journey – it’s essential for success. He said he understood totally –but I have to realize that I am going to have these moments. He said in six months from now, I will be through all this and I will be thrilled I had the surgery. I know he’s right – but right now it’s hard to see through the heavy fog.

I then sat down at my desk and saw that I had e-mail. It was from Dotti – a woman in my online support group. We don’t know each other or even exchange e-mails on a regular basis, so I was intrigued that she had written me. She was responding to my post in the group called “The Drain went away – yay!”

Here’s what she said:

Melissa, You go girl. Cherish the moment and the new life God has given to you.
Dotti

I was floored. It said everything I needed to hear. I wrote her back…

awww thank you...I needed to read this. I just got in from a walk where I cried and cried. I feel so blah today - physically and mentally. It's been the first time I've truly questioned myself on this decision I’ve made. I knew I would have such moments, but it is so intense.

I know in my heart that God has blessed me with this tool, and I am so thankful. But right now it doesn't feel so much like a tool but a hindrance, you know? I feel cut off from the world. I know this feeling will pass, but for the moment, it is so overwhelming.

To find this email right now from you says to me that God worked through you to talk to me when I needed it most. Thank you, Dotti. I appreciate this more than you know.

Hugs,
Melissa


It truly is a message from God telling me He has purposely given me this new life. There’s no mistake about it. Dotti’s note was sent earlier this evening, and I never saw it until a little bit ago. When I read her words, I knew this was an important message from God.

When I showed Scott, I just started crying again. He just hugged and kissed me over and over telling me that I am doing so good and that I’ve come so far and how proud he is of me. I love him so much - he’s the most amazing blessing I’ve ever received from God. I never want to take him for granted either.

Thank You God for reaching out to me through Scott and Dotti. I never doubt that You’re there, but this only serves to remind me just how close You really are to me. I know I need to lean on You in these hard times and trust You.

Thank you God for everything. Please bless me and everyone else who is on this intense journey.