Post-Op Day 19 - Taking care of me

Wow - a week has passed since I've written in this journal. It's been a rough week but good too.

Here's what I posted in my Yahoo Support Group:

Hi all -

I know I have been quiet for the past few days. I have a tendency to
go within from time to time to recharge my batteries and process my
situation, so don't think anything is wrong when I am quiet. :-)

My visit with my counselor Jackie was awesome as always. I felt
really down when I went in there. I told her I thought I was mentally
prepared for the surgery, but the depressed feelings had me second-
guessing myself.

Jackie said that I WAS mentally prepared and I was right where I
needed to be. She said there was nothing wrong with me - in fact,
she'd be worried about me if I wasn't feeling down at that point
because it would indicate I was repressing my feelings.

She said that at that point, I was in a tough spot and I just had to
ride it out. I went from eating one day to not eating. There was no
gradual tapering off...it was a shock to the system. She said that
nobody should ever underestimate the power of food. It's what we
depend on to survive; therefore, cutting it out leaves one feeling
that their world is completely askew and, at times, ending.

Jackie told me that I was perfectly normal in that I was in a
grieving phase. However, she reminded me that I made the choice - so
it isn't out of my control like if something had happened to me
unplanned. So I can take comfort in knowing this IS my decision and I
am in control of it. It is planned and it is temporary - and should
be looked at it as such. She helped me see that I need to rechannel
my energy.

She also told me I was having sensory deprivation. I was just sitting
here at my computer with closed blinds, no music, no candles, no
nothing. She said since my lack of eating has reduced the taste
gratification, I need to fill up my senses in other ways - listening
to music, burning a candle, nice perfumes, blinds open,
flowers...anything to fill me up in other ways.

We talked about other stuff - and it was all good. Jackie knows me so
well, that she tapped into what I needed to hear. It was still hard
to shake off the funk that day, but I tried.

That night, I soaked in the tub for the first time since the surgery
and I listened to classical music. It felt amazing. I read an article
about connecting to my inner joy. I am such a joyful person in
general, so I realized how disconnected I had become from my joy. So
I made a conscious effort to get back in touch with it.

I also read the following quote that really spoke to my heart:

"For minds obsessed by compulsive thinking and grasping, you simplify
your meditation practices to just two words, `let go.'" ~ Ajahn
Sumedho ~

I've worked on practicing this meditation. It's truly helping.

The next morning I woke up feeling great! I didn't feel as foggy as I
had been feeling - and I let myself truly enjoy the day and not
fixate on what's missing but rather what I have.

I also did great on Saturday, but yesterday I found myself struggling
some, but not as much as I was before. I know it's just the ebb and
flow of this phase and I accept that. I think I need to get out some
today since I am off. It's a beautiful, sunny day.

Anyway, this is probably more than you wanted to know. However, for
those who are also struggling or will be soon – I wanted to share
where I was in my journey in hopes it may help.

Thank you to all who have worked to encourage me. I will forever
remember your kindness and love. And you better know I will help
those who come after me. *smile*

Love,
Melissa

Then I followed up with the next post...

Today, I have had two big victories...

1. I hit my 25-pound mark! That is so exciting for me. I think of how
long it would have taken me at Weight Watchers (if I didn't give up
like I did about 10 times). It took me less than three weeks this
time - which blows my mind. haha

2. I now no longer weigh in the 300s! I cannot describe how great it
felt seeing the number 299 pop up on the scale that I used to not be
able to weigh on last week at this time.

God is so good. I am just so grateful for this tool.

Thanks for your support everyone!

xoxox
Melissa

That's right - I hit 25 pounds gone in less than three weeks! YAY for me! It's almost overwhelming.

One of the women in the group wrote me about my post about counseling. She said:

Melissa,
I think that the post-op depression that you described happens to
most of us. I remember just crying out of the blue in the weeks
following surgery. I felt like I was in mourning for the friend that
I had just lost and the addiction that I could no longer feed.

Anesthesia's effects also hang on a bit and can contirbute to the
blues. Your counselor gave you some great advice about indulging your
other senses. I never really thought about how much I OVER indulge my
sense of taste...I think it's fine time I gave the same attention to
my other senses!

Thanks for your post Melissa. Even though I'm over 3 1/2 years out
there is always some way learn and grow from what others write.

And this was my reply:

Thank you for your words of wisdom Pam - they mean a lot to me.

The loss of food is a big part of it, but I also think that sometimes the fear of succeeding is as scary as the fear of failure. I think that is playing into all of this as well. I am so use to giving up when the going got tough with my weight. In no other area have I done that - I am a fighter and generally succeed at obtaining my goals.

I went back and looked at my weight-loss records from Weight Watchers. In 2002, I finally reached 25 pounds lost - the first time I had ever lost a significant amount of weight. This is what I wrote on my records "I FINALLY HIT 25 after 19 weeks on program!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!!!"

Three weeks later after losing 3.8 more pounds, I gained back 6. Then I lost 2. Then I gained back 5. You get the point. I finally wrestled it to a 36.3 loss (my biggest ever) after 45 WEEKS. The following week I gained 7.5 - and another struggle ensued before I hit a slide that eventually saw me gain it all back plus 24.2 more pounds in less than three years - which is where I was when I had my surgery.

While it will take me a while to get to my lowest weight of 263.5 again, I can say it only took me less than three weeks to reach 25 pounds instead of 19 weeks. WOW! And I also know it won't take me 26 more weeks to lose an additional 11 pounds to hit my all-time biggest loss of 36.3 pounds.

So I should be ecstatic - and I am. I am also terrified. Experiencing such success is overwhelming. I am sure you who have been here know what I am saying. As Kim always says, she thought she would be the first one the surgery didn't work for. Well, so did I. haha To experience rapid success in weight loss is a first for me.

Anyway, this is a good problem to have. But, it was just on my mind. Please know you and the other veterans have shown me that God does give second chances. Thank you for your shining example.

Lots of love,
Melissa

Thank you God for my many, many blessings. I appreciate this gift more than I can ever express. God please bless me and everyone else on this journey. Also, please bless Scott. He is such a wonderful husband and my biggest spporter. He is my blessing. Katie is too. :-)