The last day of my old life....
Well, tomorrow is THE day. I can’t believe it.
This past week I have been a bundle of nerves. I’ve felt terrified. I’ve been so scared of the unknown. It’s been an emotional journey. I’ve worried about not being able to do it, being in pain and dying.
I’ve spent so many times cherishing each moment of my life with my husband, my parents, my dog and my friends. I’ve wanted to cling to moments and stay there forever. Time has been fleeting. It’s like life is on fast forward to tomorrow morning. I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve had this trembling right in the center of my chest.
However, after crying last night as I drove alone in my Explorer, something released. It didn’t totally release until this morning. But it did. I’ve felt more confident with this - more at ease. I am still apprehensive but I am not as mortified. I am ready to rumble.
I met with my counselor Jackie. She really helped put things into perspective for me. Talking through it all also helped center me. I am so glad I got in to see her today.
The rest of the day was spent with my parents who are here from Indiana. I love spending that time with them. It feels so safe and good. Oh how I wish they lived here. I love having them in my home. I love my parents so much.
We shopped at walmart to get my soups, broths, etc. Then we had pizza as sorta my “last supper.” Haha Then Mom and I went out to get a robe at Lane Bryant and to Walgreens.
As I looked at clothes in Lane Bryant, I realized I am going to be able to fit into so many more of them soon and they will fit on me like they should. I cannot wait to be a size 18/20. I can’t even let myself envision me in a size 14/16. That will be heaven. Wow.
I told Jackie that I cannot even imagine that something as good as this can happen to me. That’s why I focus on all the things that could go wrong. I’ve spent my entire existence hating and fighting fat. I feel like this is my cross to bear. To have an opportunity to lessen the weight is such a blessing – one I can’t even believe could happen to me. I pray this is the path I should be on. I believe God led me to it. I have to trust Him.
You know, this has been a tremendous spiritual journey for me. It has brought me closer to God than I have been in a long, long time. Yet, I know God is right here with me. His presence is unmistakable. He is reaching out to me through my husband, my parents, my friends, my coworkers, my support group members and even strangers.
I know I am rambling. I need to go. I have so much I have to do before going to bed. I just remembered a phrase that I carry close to my heart: “Do not fear tomorrow; God is already there.”
I know He is. It is so scary to take this leap of faith. I love my life so much. I love it so much that I am willing to do this so that I can live it as fully as God intended me to live it. I owe it to me. I owe it Scott. I owe it my parents. I owe it to everyone who loves me. Finally, I owe it to God – who has richly blessed me.
God, please protect me and bless me. Thank You.
This past week I have been a bundle of nerves. I’ve felt terrified. I’ve been so scared of the unknown. It’s been an emotional journey. I’ve worried about not being able to do it, being in pain and dying.
I’ve spent so many times cherishing each moment of my life with my husband, my parents, my dog and my friends. I’ve wanted to cling to moments and stay there forever. Time has been fleeting. It’s like life is on fast forward to tomorrow morning. I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve had this trembling right in the center of my chest.
However, after crying last night as I drove alone in my Explorer, something released. It didn’t totally release until this morning. But it did. I’ve felt more confident with this - more at ease. I am still apprehensive but I am not as mortified. I am ready to rumble.
I met with my counselor Jackie. She really helped put things into perspective for me. Talking through it all also helped center me. I am so glad I got in to see her today.
The rest of the day was spent with my parents who are here from Indiana. I love spending that time with them. It feels so safe and good. Oh how I wish they lived here. I love having them in my home. I love my parents so much.
We shopped at walmart to get my soups, broths, etc. Then we had pizza as sorta my “last supper.” Haha Then Mom and I went out to get a robe at Lane Bryant and to Walgreens.
As I looked at clothes in Lane Bryant, I realized I am going to be able to fit into so many more of them soon and they will fit on me like they should. I cannot wait to be a size 18/20. I can’t even let myself envision me in a size 14/16. That will be heaven. Wow.
I told Jackie that I cannot even imagine that something as good as this can happen to me. That’s why I focus on all the things that could go wrong. I’ve spent my entire existence hating and fighting fat. I feel like this is my cross to bear. To have an opportunity to lessen the weight is such a blessing – one I can’t even believe could happen to me. I pray this is the path I should be on. I believe God led me to it. I have to trust Him.
You know, this has been a tremendous spiritual journey for me. It has brought me closer to God than I have been in a long, long time. Yet, I know God is right here with me. His presence is unmistakable. He is reaching out to me through my husband, my parents, my friends, my coworkers, my support group members and even strangers.
I know I am rambling. I need to go. I have so much I have to do before going to bed. I just remembered a phrase that I carry close to my heart: “Do not fear tomorrow; God is already there.”
I know He is. It is so scary to take this leap of faith. I love my life so much. I love it so much that I am willing to do this so that I can live it as fully as God intended me to live it. I owe it to me. I owe it Scott. I owe it my parents. I owe it to everyone who loves me. Finally, I owe it to God – who has richly blessed me.
God, please protect me and bless me. Thank You.
posted by Melissa :-) @ 11:39 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home