Overwhelmed....

I am feeling very overwhelmed. :-(

With the surgery less than three weeks away and Christmas piled on top of it, I feel the clock ticking and ticking and ticking. And I am not motivated. My ADD is not medicated at the moment, and I can feel it. I am struggling to prioritize and, when I do, I am paralyzed by the amount of it all. Usually I cope really well. I guess I am just stressed to the max.

Don’t get me wrong – I am soooooo excited to have the surgery. I talk about it a lot. God bless my co-workers – they listen and care so much. I am so blessed. I don’t know what I would do without them.

My dog is looking at me. She too feels neglected. It seems all I do is get up, walk her, get ready for work, work 10 hours, come home exhausted, read weight-loss surgery information and go to bed. OH YEAH…I don’t exercise like I should and I eat and eat and eat! I have been stuffing my face since I started pursuing the surgery three months ago.

Sometimes I think I can’t live without stuffing myself. Tonight, though, I realized I am so glad I am having this surgery because I don’t want to keep stuffing myself. The surgery will stop the cycle and retrain me from the start. I am tired of eating and eating. Yet I do it. I am disgusted with myself. Maybe I have to get to this point so that I can be strong when I am on the other side?

I know I am ready to have the surgery though. It’s almost overdue, in fact. Yesterday and today I have struggled to find anything that fits anymore. I’ve outgrown my clothes. I look terrible. I’ve always been big but proportionate, generally comfortable and neat in my clothing. Now, I am losing that proportion. My body aches as I am not comfortable sitting or standing. Finally, my clothes look like hell. UGH! I feel sluggish and unhealthy. Never have felt this blah. Maybe once you face reality and pursue surgery, you are suddenly more aware of your situation?

My friend L can read me so well. Below is a Yahoo Messenger conversation we just had that captures how I am feeling right now:

***
L : are you not ready for all this?
me: right now i don't feel I am
me: though - I do believe i am
me: i think i was prepared for a long fight
me: and when i got approved so soon, it floored me
me: with Christmas in the mix
me: and his family coming next weekend
me: then my family
me: then bam! surgery
me: i have done no christmas shopping
me: i have to clean the house this weekend
me: we have to decorate our tree
me: scott's working so much overtime i can't do anything after work cuz i have to get katie (my dog)
me: work is nuts
me: i have that support group
me: and so on
L : she doesnt stay home during the day?
me: yes...but when i get off work, she's been alone for 10-12 hours
me: she needs to go out
L : ya
me:i am not sleeping well--i wake up and feel the acid pouring into my stomach
L : :-(
me: i have to get the whole house cleaned for his family
me: then turn around and clean after they mess it up for my parents
L : ya
me: sorry to vent
L : dont be silly!!!! of course you can vent.
***
Let the record show: I LOVE YOU, L!

Also let the record show I DO want to have the surgery. I am just in a mood. And if I can't vent in my journal and to my best friend, then where can I vent?

Anyway, I had my first WLS-related dream. In it, my hair was cut short because of the hair loss. I remember how sad I was because I have finally grown my hair out some and by cutting it, I felt like I lost some of my sensuality. I have enjoyed having longer hair. I don’t want it short again. I am worried about the hair loss actually. I am a natural blonde with baby-fine hair, so I don’t have much to spare. I will just worry about it when the time comes. I have too much to worry about otherwise.

Yesterday, I met with my counselor Jackie. She is phenomenal. I seriously don’t know how she keeps track of so many people. After the Space Shuttle Columbia accident, we were all so traumatized at Johnson Space Center. She has worked hard to help us cope with that – in addition to all of our numerous problems.

Jackie and I have such a good rapport. She knows she can tell it to me like it is. I trust her with all my heart. Jackie is sooo thrilled for me to have this surgery. She said that I am ready. For several years, my life’s path has led me to this point in time.

From me picking up my entire life in March 2001 and moving 1,000 miles to Houston to me getting my job at NASA to Scott and me committing ourselves to each other and getting married to building a home to becoming a supervisor to me making the friends that I do – it all fell into place. She says that now I have the security and support I need for this next phase in my life.

I told her that I have come so far in these past few years. I have totally rebuilt my world. I love it so much – I don’t want to screw it up. This surgery is so serious – I don’t want to damage my body when so many good things are happening to me. She said that I am only going to improve it. She said my positive attitude, energetic spirit, take-charge nature and desire to make it work will make this a success. She said it’s time. I know she’s right.

We discussed my fears about the surgery itself. She said my great health will help with that tremendously. Plus, she said I have an excellent mind-body connection.

I told her I am having a hard time letting go of who I am now. I don’t want others to discount the Me of Now when they see the Me of the Future. All I know is the Me of Now, who has served me so well. Jackie told me to write a letter of goodbye to the Me of Now. I asked what kind of letter – a “Here’s why I am leaving you” letter? She said, “No. A thank-you letter.” One that tells me how great I have been in these 33 years and how I have been good for me. I now have the strength and foundation to be reborn and live a new, healthier life.

I might not have explained that well - but what she told me brought tears to my eyes. It made sense. Before the surgery, I am going to write that letter.

I then told her that I am scared of how immediately I will become someone new in many ways. I go to sleep one person – I wake up, in a sense, another. My life will start changing from that point. It is my prayer that the changes are all for the good.

I explained to her that when I left Indiana to drive here to Houston, I stayed the night in Jackson, Mississippi. That one night represented so much. I was truly in the in-between. I had left behind all I knew that day and the following day I would reach my dreams. In my journal, I stated: “Tomorrow, my whole life will change forever….It’s scary and exhilarating all in one!!!”

That’s how I feel right now.

In so many ways, I am experiencing the same emotions. In fact, I wake up in the morning, and I feel the acid pour into my stomach as my anxiety and excitement fill my mind first thing. I remember weeks of that before leaving Indiana. I thought it would never stop. But, it did. And my life became something amazing. I think of all I would have missed out on if I didn’t have the guts to pick up my life and move! The same thing applies to this situation. I have to have the guts to try this too.

I told Jackie that I realize I don’t have to create my future in one day. I can’t even if I wanted to. Instead, God gave me enough strength for each day the first time. He brought so many good things into my life and they happened quickly, but they didn’t happen overnight. He paced the good things so that I could embrace each one. My life has been a whirlwind, but it has been spread out over four or so years. I know God will pace it all for me this time too.

I have a little card that I’ve kept with me for quite a few years. It has a picture of a dark cloud and a rainbow. It simply says, “Do not fear tomorrow – God is already there.”

It has given me comfort so many times. Tonight I saw it again, and I suddenly felt peace. Each time I’ve relied upon that statement, I was never let down. God is waiting for us tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. God is already waiting for me on my surgery date. I take great comfort in that.