Getting focused...
It was so good to take off Friday. I was able to read and read and read on the surgery. I am probably over-doing it some, but I cannot help it. The journalist in me wants to research all that I can.
PREPARING FOR A NEW ME
I also posted about my upcoming surgery in a yahoo group I belong to for BBW (Big Beautiful Women). As you may have read a while back in my journal, I was really struggling with feeling like I am betraying who I have been all this time – a confident BBW. I have preached for so long to "Love yourself as-is" and that "Attitude is everything” and finally "Sexy comes in all sizes."
Well, after much soul searching, I no longer feel that I am betraying anyone – especially myself. I now have come to the understanding that the essence of what I have preached is simply taking on a new, exciting form.
I do still love myself as-is. In fact, because of that love I have developed for myself at this point in life, I am now able to love myself enough to get healthier. I don’t think I would be too successful on this upcoming journey if I hated who I am as a fat person. I believe the self-loathing would come out in other ways once the weight was gone. How can you pamper yourself in this new journey if you hate the YOU you are supposed to be focusing on?
Also, attitude is still everything. I will still be desirable and confident as I lose this weight because of my attitude. In fact, attitude will be critical in the new journey. I can see where it can be a matter of life or death in some instances. While I might fret in this journal all the time, the reality is that my actions are always take-charge and headstrong. I might be frazzled and shaking on the inside, but I am generally bold and energetic on the outside.
Finally, sexy does come in all sizes. I have identified with being an attractive big woman for so long; I think part of me wonders if I will just be a so-so medium woman. Haha It’s funny…I’ve never put that into words before. But it’s true.
In the past year or so when I was dieting and not considering gastric bypass, I listed out my fears about losing weight. As you will see, some of these aren’t pertinent with the surgery – as weight-loss is inevitable. It’s still so wild to think that I WILL lose weight with this.
Fears about losing weight:
It’s funny…I have come a long way emotionally. It goes back to loving myself as-is. I am not as worried anymore about being unhappy when I lose weight, handling the attention or being competitive. I am at a place in my life that I know I will make the most of it. Also, I think I am a little more relaxed on the fears of gaining it back too.
What I still struggle with most is the fear of the unknown – even more so with this surgery. It’s one of those things where you can read about it all you want. However, until you are in the middle of it, you have NO IDEA how you will react. You don’t even know if you will make it through the surgery. That part is the hardest for me to deal with.
I think on my fear list, the things that are still relevant are the physical aspects – the fear of being ugly and having the stretch marks and loose skin. I believe those things bother me because I have never lost a significant amount of weight – about 30 pounds max. Even then I changed some…and, to be honest, I like how I looked. I think that’s a reason why I am struggling now because I’ve gained that back and then some. I now have a memory of once-was. Before, all I had ever done was get bigger and bigger and bigger.
I truly believe that as the weight comes off, the fears regarding my appearance will slip-slide away. I know I will make the most of it with good hair, good makeup and cute clothes. I am doing wonders with a 320-pound body, if I do say so myself.
So, basically what I will struggle with is accepting how people react to the new me. I need to learn to accept the compliments as that – compliments. I cannot take them personal and be offended on behalf of the person I am today. I know the person I am today is someone special and people like her. In the future, people will love the new me. Of course they are going to comment – it is change. People notice change. They want to reward me for my hard work and dedication to the new me. I have to understand that and accept that.
I wanted to share with you the letter I wrote to my friends in the BBW group. I received one private response of support and one public. The public one is my wonderful friend Deb. She sang in our wedding. I love her so much because she’s always been such a cheerleader in life for me. I love her spirit – she is one of those special people that make you feel just blessed to know her.
Anyway, the rest of the room has been quiet about it for two days. I don’t know if people aren’t around or if they are stunned or mad or what. Regardless, I am not worried about it. We all have to do what we need to do in life – and this is what I need to do.
This was my original post to the BBW Party Girls...
Wellllllllllllll....I have a lot going on these days, as you know Liz.
I wanted to tell everyone here that on Wednesday, Dec. 29, I will be
having gastric bypass surgery. :-)
It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel I am in
the right place now. My first thoughts were that it was an easy way
out. Then, after researching it and seeing several friends go through
it, I realized it wasn't easy at all. However, it does give a person
a second chance at living. I am aware of the risks as well as the
positive outcomes, so understand that I am entering into this
realistically.
Everyone who knows me knows that I am active, confident and one who
loves life. For me, this decision isn't about being sexier - please!
I already know I am that! Remember: sexiness comes in ALL sizes! And
there's a lot of sexiness in this group! :-)
This decision is about being healthy for me and for my wonderful
husband. Luckily, I have awesome cholesterol and blood pressure
levels, as well as good health in general. However, I don't want to
push my luck. Carrying around this much weight on my body is going to
take its toll sooner than later. My feet and body ache more. My
weight is inching up. My desire to be as active as I was just isn't
there like it used to be.
For me, I am taking this rebirth extremely seriously. I realize that
I have to make a most of it - especially in the first year when I
have the most weight loss. I have to exercise. I have to follow the
rules. I have to eat like I am told to eat. It's a HUGE change, but
one I will tackle with a positive, can-do attitude.
In a year or so, I will be able to eat generally most things. Not
all, but most. So...this first year I refuse to throw myself a pity
party because I can't eat as much as I want when I want. I am moving
my focus to getting as fit and healthy as possible.
I've stuggled with the thought that I could very well be losing my
BBW identity. It's who I am in so many ways. While most people on
this weight-loss surgery journey hate who they are and can't wait to
change, I am different. I've loved myself unconditionally and I
didn't bite into that rotten apple that tells people they have to be
thin to be hot, sexy, smart or desirable.
However, now I have to look at it as that being a BBW is not the only
way to be. Luckily, I chose someone who loves me as-is. With Scott, I
am so greatly blessed. I at first worried if my changing figure would
make him love or desire me less. However, he quickly removed any
fears by saying, "I love you no matter what. You're going to be sexy
and beautiful at any size."
I am hanging on to those words. I need to feel that way. I need to
tell myself: "Melissa, I love you no matter what. You're going to be
sexy and beautiful at any size."
I believe I will be a BBW forever. I am big boned, so I can't see me
getting any smaller than a 14 or 12. Still, even that will change me
significantly. However, I feel like I have been led to this point for
a reason, so I am going for it!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know where my life is heading. I
would appreciate any prayers for a safe and uneventful surgery. I
love you all, and I cannot wait to see you guys once I get to feeling
better.
xoxo
Melissa
This was response from my friend Deb:
Congratulations, woman!!! I'm proud of you for taking this step...
I looked at it a year ago - went to an endocrinologist at my
doctor's request - but they wouldn't okay the surgery... Said that
was the very last thing they would do (I had to try other avenues -
including medication, etc)... I've yo-yo'd up and down about 30 lbs
in the last 2 years and I'm ready for a change... Knowing you are
going to do this just makes me that much more determined to follow
in your footsteps - whatever it takes! :)
Please... keep me posted as to what is going on... How long will you
be in the hospital?? Perhaps you'd like some visitors when you get
home... :)
Take care, lady... Be well...
Lotsa love,
Deb
This was my return response:
Awwww thank you! :-)
I REALLY appreciate your support. It is TRULY a life-altering
decision. It's one I am taking very seriously and I am determined to
do my best with. I feel I've been blessed with another chance to be
healthier - so I am going for it with gusto.
I totally understand what you're saying about the yo-yo. *hugs*
For me, I've always been overweight and I didn't pay attention to the
scale as my weight climbed as I got older. Then, I got to the point
where I needed to pay attention! Suddenly, trying to lose 100+ pounds
become much harder than it would have been trying to lose 50 or so
pounds. It's a hard thing to get your hands around.
I spent six months focused on eating better and working out, only to
lose 30 or so pounds. For most, that would be good, but for someone
who has to lose that 3 or 4 more times, it was just so daunting of a
task that I lost my momentum - plain and simple.
If you need me to help you navigate through the approval system or if
you just want to know more info, I would be honored to help you. I
feel a lot of people have helped me get to where I am now, so I want
to help anyone who needs me. One member of the group here has already
written me a personal note and I have sent her some info.
I have a website to chronicle my journey. I am keeping a journal on
it, among other things. I will e-mail you the link. If anyone else is
interested, please e-mail me and I will send it to you.
I will hopefully be in the hospital for just two or three days. I
will be off work a total of two weeks - so once I am home, I would
LOVE the company! In fact, Liz is coming the stay the weekend with me
Jan. 7-9 while Scott is out of town. I know we'd love your company
then. I might look rough - but true girlfriends understand. ;-)
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
Love you lots,
Melissa
This was HER return response:
You are SUCH an inspiration, lady... Always have been, always will
be... I am so proud of you for pursuing this with your usual
determination and power... THANK YOU for the link... I read through
your site and am now determined to have a conversation with my PCP
that will let her know in no-uncertain-terms how serious I am about
this... I will switch health-care providers if I have to to get
approval (like you, I have always had marvelous health - no blood
pressure problems, regualar cholesterol)...
Like you, I didn't notice how the scale crept up... Of course, I
used to have a horrible self-image so I guess I thought I deserved
anything I got (I will NEVER be in that mind-set again! *SMILE*)...
Also, I read something once that said most people who lose weight
gain it back, etc and I took that as the TRUTH and figured, "Why
bother?" Like I didn't even get that it was an option to lose
weight and keep it off! Interesting how the mind works, huh? :)
I see pictures of myself as a child and I was THIN... Everyone who
sees the pics goes... "That's YOU??" In High School, I thought I
was the fattest thing (notice how I say "thing" rather
than "person"... Yeah, I had some self-image issues! *lol*) around
and continued that in College (even though I was a size 16-20
through most of those years)... The year I lived in England (my Jr.
Year), I came home as a size 16 - that was the smallest I'd been in
6 years at that point. And, that's the smallest I've been in my
adult life (I was 20 at the time - I'm now 35)...
It all changed when I broke my ankle in '91. Suddenly, movement was
painful... I'd always been fairly active up until that point
(soccer, softball, volleyball, horseback riding, etc) and all of the
sudden I was restricted. I know I went into a depression after that
accident- although I didn't know that at the time - and I literally
have YEARS in which I have few memories of anything... I thought I
was even MORE unattractive because of my scars and limp - I think I
made it mean that the universe was agreeing with my personal belief
that I was deserving of "what I got" and that this injury was just
confirmation of my unworthiness. When I came out of it, I was
suddenly 300 lbs and climbing.
Unlike you, I've only been really pursuing weight-loss for two
years... But I'm experiencing all the ups-and-downs and yo-yoing of
others who've been doing this for longer. This sucks. And I'm not
gonna spend another 5-10 years struggling with this and suffering
about it. This surgery is a STRUCTURE - that's all - to assist
people in being successful in their weight-loss journey. I see
nothing wrong with it if it improves my (or anyone's) quality of
life.
I wanna come and visit you after your surgery... The weekend you
mentioned I am doing a Broadway benefit show up at Playhouse 1960
but will work in a visit to come see you. Actually, I'd love to
visit when both you and Scott are around... So I will contact you
that weekend (7th-9th) and see where you are around me comin' to see
you!
Melissa... This is RIGHT. No question. I'm proud of you for taking
a stand for yourself and your quality of life and making this
happen. And yes, you've always been a role-model for me, too! :)
THANK YOU for sharing yourself with me and with all of the other
people (BBW and otherwise) whose lives you touch every day.
All of my love,
Deb
DREAMS
Last night, I was awake at 3:30 with all sorts of horrible things going through my mind.
I kept thinking of the what-ifs and questioning if I was doing what is right for me. I finally just let go and asked God to keep me safe. I also told Him that if any obstacles come my way, I will not pout or struggle to hard with them. I will know that He is delaying things for a reason. I purposely opened my heart to His will. Sometimes that's hard to do when you think you want something so bad. I didn't want to be blinded by that desire if God was trying to tell me something different.
Honestly, I have to say that things have gone soooo smoothly – smoother than I ever dreamed possible. So, I know I am on the right path and following my destiny.
When I awoke this morning, I felt better and realized those are just late night fears that crept into my mind. I think they were good for me because they prompted me to open my heart to God and tell Him how much I trust him – and then believe it.
This morning I have a sense of peace and a sense of excitement tinged in anxiety. I would think that is normal, right? If I were not thinking about all this stuff, I would be in denial. I am entering into it eyes wide open.
Today is my support group meeting. It’s going to be awesome to meet some of these folks for the first time. I am so blessed to have such a loving and knowledgeable support group.
PREPARING FOR A NEW ME
I also posted about my upcoming surgery in a yahoo group I belong to for BBW (Big Beautiful Women). As you may have read a while back in my journal, I was really struggling with feeling like I am betraying who I have been all this time – a confident BBW. I have preached for so long to "Love yourself as-is" and that "Attitude is everything” and finally "Sexy comes in all sizes."
Well, after much soul searching, I no longer feel that I am betraying anyone – especially myself. I now have come to the understanding that the essence of what I have preached is simply taking on a new, exciting form.
I do still love myself as-is. In fact, because of that love I have developed for myself at this point in life, I am now able to love myself enough to get healthier. I don’t think I would be too successful on this upcoming journey if I hated who I am as a fat person. I believe the self-loathing would come out in other ways once the weight was gone. How can you pamper yourself in this new journey if you hate the YOU you are supposed to be focusing on?
Also, attitude is still everything. I will still be desirable and confident as I lose this weight because of my attitude. In fact, attitude will be critical in the new journey. I can see where it can be a matter of life or death in some instances. While I might fret in this journal all the time, the reality is that my actions are always take-charge and headstrong. I might be frazzled and shaking on the inside, but I am generally bold and energetic on the outside.
Finally, sexy does come in all sizes. I have identified with being an attractive big woman for so long; I think part of me wonders if I will just be a so-so medium woman. Haha It’s funny…I’ve never put that into words before. But it’s true.
In the past year or so when I was dieting and not considering gastric bypass, I listed out my fears about losing weight. As you will see, some of these aren’t pertinent with the surgery – as weight-loss is inevitable. It’s still so wild to think that I WILL lose weight with this.
Fears about losing weight:
- I am afraid of how long it will take and that I will give up again
- I am afraid I will look ugly when done
- I am afraid of more stretch marks and excess skin
- I am afraid I will look great and can’t handle attention
- I am afraid of the hurt feelings I will have when I lose weight and everyone praises me – that sort of thing makes me self-conscious and angry
- I am afraid the weight won’t ever come off and I will have tried so hard
- I am afraid of the competitiveness it brings out in me
- I am afraid I will still be unhappy when I lose weight
- I am afraid of gaining it back and feeling like a failure
- I am afraid of the unknown
It’s funny…I have come a long way emotionally. It goes back to loving myself as-is. I am not as worried anymore about being unhappy when I lose weight, handling the attention or being competitive. I am at a place in my life that I know I will make the most of it. Also, I think I am a little more relaxed on the fears of gaining it back too.
What I still struggle with most is the fear of the unknown – even more so with this surgery. It’s one of those things where you can read about it all you want. However, until you are in the middle of it, you have NO IDEA how you will react. You don’t even know if you will make it through the surgery. That part is the hardest for me to deal with.
I think on my fear list, the things that are still relevant are the physical aspects – the fear of being ugly and having the stretch marks and loose skin. I believe those things bother me because I have never lost a significant amount of weight – about 30 pounds max. Even then I changed some…and, to be honest, I like how I looked. I think that’s a reason why I am struggling now because I’ve gained that back and then some. I now have a memory of once-was. Before, all I had ever done was get bigger and bigger and bigger.
I truly believe that as the weight comes off, the fears regarding my appearance will slip-slide away. I know I will make the most of it with good hair, good makeup and cute clothes. I am doing wonders with a 320-pound body, if I do say so myself.
So, basically what I will struggle with is accepting how people react to the new me. I need to learn to accept the compliments as that – compliments. I cannot take them personal and be offended on behalf of the person I am today. I know the person I am today is someone special and people like her. In the future, people will love the new me. Of course they are going to comment – it is change. People notice change. They want to reward me for my hard work and dedication to the new me. I have to understand that and accept that.
I wanted to share with you the letter I wrote to my friends in the BBW group. I received one private response of support and one public. The public one is my wonderful friend Deb. She sang in our wedding. I love her so much because she’s always been such a cheerleader in life for me. I love her spirit – she is one of those special people that make you feel just blessed to know her.
Anyway, the rest of the room has been quiet about it for two days. I don’t know if people aren’t around or if they are stunned or mad or what. Regardless, I am not worried about it. We all have to do what we need to do in life – and this is what I need to do.
This was my original post to the BBW Party Girls...
Wellllllllllllll....I have a lot going on these days, as you know Liz.
I wanted to tell everyone here that on Wednesday, Dec. 29, I will be
having gastric bypass surgery. :-)
It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I feel I am in
the right place now. My first thoughts were that it was an easy way
out. Then, after researching it and seeing several friends go through
it, I realized it wasn't easy at all. However, it does give a person
a second chance at living. I am aware of the risks as well as the
positive outcomes, so understand that I am entering into this
realistically.
Everyone who knows me knows that I am active, confident and one who
loves life. For me, this decision isn't about being sexier - please!
I already know I am that! Remember: sexiness comes in ALL sizes! And
there's a lot of sexiness in this group! :-)
This decision is about being healthy for me and for my wonderful
husband. Luckily, I have awesome cholesterol and blood pressure
levels, as well as good health in general. However, I don't want to
push my luck. Carrying around this much weight on my body is going to
take its toll sooner than later. My feet and body ache more. My
weight is inching up. My desire to be as active as I was just isn't
there like it used to be.
For me, I am taking this rebirth extremely seriously. I realize that
I have to make a most of it - especially in the first year when I
have the most weight loss. I have to exercise. I have to follow the
rules. I have to eat like I am told to eat. It's a HUGE change, but
one I will tackle with a positive, can-do attitude.
In a year or so, I will be able to eat generally most things. Not
all, but most. So...this first year I refuse to throw myself a pity
party because I can't eat as much as I want when I want. I am moving
my focus to getting as fit and healthy as possible.
I've stuggled with the thought that I could very well be losing my
BBW identity. It's who I am in so many ways. While most people on
this weight-loss surgery journey hate who they are and can't wait to
change, I am different. I've loved myself unconditionally and I
didn't bite into that rotten apple that tells people they have to be
thin to be hot, sexy, smart or desirable.
However, now I have to look at it as that being a BBW is not the only
way to be. Luckily, I chose someone who loves me as-is. With Scott, I
am so greatly blessed. I at first worried if my changing figure would
make him love or desire me less. However, he quickly removed any
fears by saying, "I love you no matter what. You're going to be sexy
and beautiful at any size."
I am hanging on to those words. I need to feel that way. I need to
tell myself: "Melissa, I love you no matter what. You're going to be
sexy and beautiful at any size."
I believe I will be a BBW forever. I am big boned, so I can't see me
getting any smaller than a 14 or 12. Still, even that will change me
significantly. However, I feel like I have been led to this point for
a reason, so I am going for it!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know where my life is heading. I
would appreciate any prayers for a safe and uneventful surgery. I
love you all, and I cannot wait to see you guys once I get to feeling
better.
xoxo
Melissa
This was response from my friend Deb:
Congratulations, woman!!! I'm proud of you for taking this step...
I looked at it a year ago - went to an endocrinologist at my
doctor's request - but they wouldn't okay the surgery... Said that
was the very last thing they would do (I had to try other avenues -
including medication, etc)... I've yo-yo'd up and down about 30 lbs
in the last 2 years and I'm ready for a change... Knowing you are
going to do this just makes me that much more determined to follow
in your footsteps - whatever it takes! :)
Please... keep me posted as to what is going on... How long will you
be in the hospital?? Perhaps you'd like some visitors when you get
home... :)
Take care, lady... Be well...
Lotsa love,
Deb
This was my return response:
Awwww thank you! :-)
I REALLY appreciate your support. It is TRULY a life-altering
decision. It's one I am taking very seriously and I am determined to
do my best with. I feel I've been blessed with another chance to be
healthier - so I am going for it with gusto.
I totally understand what you're saying about the yo-yo. *hugs*
For me, I've always been overweight and I didn't pay attention to the
scale as my weight climbed as I got older. Then, I got to the point
where I needed to pay attention! Suddenly, trying to lose 100+ pounds
become much harder than it would have been trying to lose 50 or so
pounds. It's a hard thing to get your hands around.
I spent six months focused on eating better and working out, only to
lose 30 or so pounds. For most, that would be good, but for someone
who has to lose that 3 or 4 more times, it was just so daunting of a
task that I lost my momentum - plain and simple.
If you need me to help you navigate through the approval system or if
you just want to know more info, I would be honored to help you. I
feel a lot of people have helped me get to where I am now, so I want
to help anyone who needs me. One member of the group here has already
written me a personal note and I have sent her some info.
I have a website to chronicle my journey. I am keeping a journal on
it, among other things. I will e-mail you the link. If anyone else is
interested, please e-mail me and I will send it to you.
I will hopefully be in the hospital for just two or three days. I
will be off work a total of two weeks - so once I am home, I would
LOVE the company! In fact, Liz is coming the stay the weekend with me
Jan. 7-9 while Scott is out of town. I know we'd love your company
then. I might look rough - but true girlfriends understand. ;-)
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
Love you lots,
Melissa
This was HER return response:
You are SUCH an inspiration, lady... Always have been, always will
be... I am so proud of you for pursuing this with your usual
determination and power... THANK YOU for the link... I read through
your site and am now determined to have a conversation with my PCP
that will let her know in no-uncertain-terms how serious I am about
this... I will switch health-care providers if I have to to get
approval (like you, I have always had marvelous health - no blood
pressure problems, regualar cholesterol)...
Like you, I didn't notice how the scale crept up... Of course, I
used to have a horrible self-image so I guess I thought I deserved
anything I got (I will NEVER be in that mind-set again! *SMILE*)...
Also, I read something once that said most people who lose weight
gain it back, etc and I took that as the TRUTH and figured, "Why
bother?" Like I didn't even get that it was an option to lose
weight and keep it off! Interesting how the mind works, huh? :)
I see pictures of myself as a child and I was THIN... Everyone who
sees the pics goes... "That's YOU??" In High School, I thought I
was the fattest thing (notice how I say "thing" rather
than "person"... Yeah, I had some self-image issues! *lol*) around
and continued that in College (even though I was a size 16-20
through most of those years)... The year I lived in England (my Jr.
Year), I came home as a size 16 - that was the smallest I'd been in
6 years at that point. And, that's the smallest I've been in my
adult life (I was 20 at the time - I'm now 35)...
It all changed when I broke my ankle in '91. Suddenly, movement was
painful... I'd always been fairly active up until that point
(soccer, softball, volleyball, horseback riding, etc) and all of the
sudden I was restricted. I know I went into a depression after that
accident- although I didn't know that at the time - and I literally
have YEARS in which I have few memories of anything... I thought I
was even MORE unattractive because of my scars and limp - I think I
made it mean that the universe was agreeing with my personal belief
that I was deserving of "what I got" and that this injury was just
confirmation of my unworthiness. When I came out of it, I was
suddenly 300 lbs and climbing.
Unlike you, I've only been really pursuing weight-loss for two
years... But I'm experiencing all the ups-and-downs and yo-yoing of
others who've been doing this for longer. This sucks. And I'm not
gonna spend another 5-10 years struggling with this and suffering
about it. This surgery is a STRUCTURE - that's all - to assist
people in being successful in their weight-loss journey. I see
nothing wrong with it if it improves my (or anyone's) quality of
life.
I wanna come and visit you after your surgery... The weekend you
mentioned I am doing a Broadway benefit show up at Playhouse 1960
but will work in a visit to come see you. Actually, I'd love to
visit when both you and Scott are around... So I will contact you
that weekend (7th-9th) and see where you are around me comin' to see
you!
Melissa... This is RIGHT. No question. I'm proud of you for taking
a stand for yourself and your quality of life and making this
happen. And yes, you've always been a role-model for me, too! :)
THANK YOU for sharing yourself with me and with all of the other
people (BBW and otherwise) whose lives you touch every day.
All of my love,
Deb
DREAMS
Last night, I was awake at 3:30 with all sorts of horrible things going through my mind.
I kept thinking of the what-ifs and questioning if I was doing what is right for me. I finally just let go and asked God to keep me safe. I also told Him that if any obstacles come my way, I will not pout or struggle to hard with them. I will know that He is delaying things for a reason. I purposely opened my heart to His will. Sometimes that's hard to do when you think you want something so bad. I didn't want to be blinded by that desire if God was trying to tell me something different.
Honestly, I have to say that things have gone soooo smoothly – smoother than I ever dreamed possible. So, I know I am on the right path and following my destiny.
When I awoke this morning, I felt better and realized those are just late night fears that crept into my mind. I think they were good for me because they prompted me to open my heart to God and tell Him how much I trust him – and then believe it.
This morning I have a sense of peace and a sense of excitement tinged in anxiety. I would think that is normal, right? If I were not thinking about all this stuff, I would be in denial. I am entering into it eyes wide open.
Today is my support group meeting. It’s going to be awesome to meet some of these folks for the first time. I am so blessed to have such a loving and knowledgeable support group.
posted by Melissa :-) @ 11:23 AM
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