Post-Op Day 122 - Feeling fabulous!

I can’t believe it – another month is gone! You know, time just dragged by when I was on liquids only for the first six weeks post-op. Once I was able to eat again, life returned to its frantic pace!

Yesterday, I celebrated my four-month anniversary. My grand total was 73.5. Now that may look wrong since my 17-week total the day before was 74. Yup, that’s right – I was up .5 yesterday. I was so damn frustrated when I got on the scale and saw it was up. Then I realized that I AM on my period, so a gain of just .5 for that time of the month isn’t anything to complain about. Hehe

This past month I reallllly kicked some weight-loss butt with an 18-pound loss. That gallbladder removal really moved it along. Glad SOMETHING good could come out of that.

This morning when I weighed, I was down 1.5 from yesterday to FINALLY hit my 75-pound mark! Woo hoo! I also am finally below 250! For the scale to show me in the 240s was an unreal feeling! I just can’t believe I’ve gotten this far. God is so good! It’s been the most amazing thing to watch the scale go down: 320s, 310s, 300s, 290s, 280s, 270s, 260s, 250s and now here I am – the 240s! I sit here in awe just looking at those numbers. Wow.

Catching up with a great friend

On Wednesday, I had the pleasure of having dinner with my good friend Donna. We have one of those friendships where we can go a while without talking and pick right back up when we do see each other.

Donna and her hubby Darren had a baby late last year. Cassie is absolutely the most adorable baby ever. As I tell Donna, she has the most soulful eyes. I am very happy for them to be blessed like they have been. I know they are grateful for their blessings. I hope someday I too can be that blessed.

Donna hasn't seen me but one other time since surgery, so she can see a difference in me. She told me my boobs were gone. :-( That's been kind of a hard pill for me to swallow, since I've always loved having big boobs. In fact, I need to buy a smaller bra soon. It's heartbreaking. *waaaaaaaaaaah*

We had a great conversation about our struggles with weight. Some people just don't get it and there are people like Donna who do - and that's one of the many reasons why I feel as close to her as I do. We can talk candidly about our frustrations and struggles. Those who have never struggled with their weight should thank their lucky stars.

Donna looked fabulous with a sassy new haircut and highlights. I love her smile and her laugh - it's so...comfy. I can just sit and enjoy my time with her. She's such a great writer and insightful person. I've always admired that about her. I've also admired how she is so structured, on the ball and determined in life. I'm very blessed to have her as my friend.

Support-group power!

This week I reconnected with my support group online and in person. I am soooooooo glad I did. It’s really helped me get focused. On Thursday night, I made the two-hour roundtrip drive to my support group meeting. It was soooo worth it. Here’s the letter I posted in my support group:

I just wanted to post and say WOW - the support group meeting Thursday night was AWESOME!!!!!

Kimberly - great lesson! You definitely were "on" Girl!

The lesson really helped me focus on my goal weight - something I've always hesitated to commit to. I don't know why I have - perhaps the fear of not making it and being devastated? The fear of setting yet another goal only to fail at it once I commit to it? Who knows but it was definitely something I didn't realize I was avoiding.

That night I set my goal weight at 155 - which puts me at the top of the healthy BMI weight range for my height. That seems like such an unattainable goal in some ways. But, when I stop to think that I am 94 pounds from it - I realize I can definitely do it! I am almost half-way there! (I hit my 75-pound mark today, by the way! Yay for me!)

You also inspired me greatly with a single sentence: "Have the courage to tell yourself 'No.'" That hit me between the eyes. I have been practicing that courage ever since you said it.

For example, that next morning, I had an early morning meeting that I had to attend - so I was on a definite timeline. Since I went to bed late because of going to the support group meeting, I wanted to sleep in just a little longer and just skip my morning walk. Normally, I would have. This time, I told myself "No" and got my big sexy butt outta the bed.

The walk was wonderful too! The sun hadn't come up and the breeze was just perfect. It was a wonderful moment in time I would have missed if I hadn't had the courage to tell myself no. So, thank you for that inspiration Kimberly!

It was also great to see so many beautiful familiar faces there - Linda, Sher, Lucy and of course Kimberly! Donna T. - I wanted to meet you in person, but I didn't get a chance to! Also, it was great to see new beautiful faces and hear some great insight! Also, I want to thank Denise for the tip she gave me.

Yes it is a struggle to get across town during rush hour on a Thursday - however, it was sooooooooooooo worth it! I will always try to make it.

Anyway, just wanted to post about it before it got to be too untimely. hehe

I hope everyone is doing fabulous!
xoxo

Melissa
324/249/155
Dr. Naaman LAP RNY-12/29/04

Hot hot hot!
On Thursday, I wore some clothes that fit. Haha I know that sounds weird, but as you shrink, you don’t realize how much your clothes look baggy until you wear something that does fit. I felt very…hot that day.

Now before I go on, I have to say that even at my highest weight, I felt sexy. Those who know me in real life or by reading this journal, know that I feel sexy comes in all sizes. I never let myself bite into the rotten apple that society tries to feed us about you have to be thin to be sexy. I embraced my sexuality then and I continue to do so.

Now back to Thursday…there’s just some days you feel sexier than others. That was one of those days. I just felt “ON.” I guess it showed. It seemed men were especially attentive then. For example:

I was standing in a doorway talking to my friend John and he kept staring at me. Then he asked how I was doing. I laughed and said – “Losing weight!” He said, "You look really great." Then he goes... "Why did I have to get married?"

I said..."uhhh I dunno..."

He then goes, "You and I could have hooked up!"

I laughed and said, "We would kill each other after two hours."

He said, "Yeah but we could get together once a week for a late-night rendezvous."

I was speechless because that’s such an out of character thing for him to say. So I laughed it off and said, "Well tell your wife hi for me. See you later!"

Then I was telling my other friend John about it, and he said he knew what John meant – “You’re gorgeous Babe! There’s no doubting that.”

Then he said one his employees said yesterday: "When's that lady coming to see you John?"

He replied, "Who are you talking about Brian?"

Brian said: "You know, that really pretty blonde woman - Melissa."

John said: "Well she will be over in the next few days."

And Brian goes: "I wish she would divorce her husband and marry me!"

Isn’t that hysterical? Actually, Brian is very sweet. He is definitely a bypass candidate. He probably weighs like 400 pounds. I always make it a point to say hi to him or talk to him. I know people make fun of him and it breaks my heart.

But anyway, all that made my day. I walked around thinking, “I’m the sexiest 250-pound woman ever!” haha (I’m not conceited – just cocky and REALLLLY SILLY!)

I called and told Scott all that was said. He’s so good – he takes it all in stride. He always has. He just agrees that I am hot and reminds me that I’ve always been that way to him. That’s good news for me – since I think HE IS hot as hell myself. That means we’re meant to be, huh? Two hot babes! *smile*

Connecting with others
Tonight I wrote a quick email to a fella who had his surgery the same month I did. He's already down 100+ pounds! http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=f1101745013 I just had to write and tell him Way to Go! He wrote me back the sweetest email that made Scott and me smile!

He said: WOW melissa you look great,,and sexy too..sorry hubbie..but she does look fantastic..lol..lol keep up the good work and keep me posted.god bless and have a good day..

ALSO: Big News! I received my first email from a journal reader I didn’t know I had! Diana – thanks for writing me! She is super sweet and she had her surgery the same day as me. I told her we’re bypass twins. I hope to meet her sometime.

It was so cool to know that someone reads this besides Scott and me. Haha If anyone else is reading this, please drop me a line or sign my guest book! I want to connect with as many people as possible!

***
ok I am gonna go soak. I don’t know where this day went. Whew… Relaxing days always fly by, don’t they? God please keep blessing me and please bless everyone on this amazing journey!

Post-Op Day 117 - Moving right along!

I thought I would give a quick update…the scale is moving again! Yay! It’s been in .5 daily increments but that’s quite ok with me! When I see progress, I am thrilled! I am now sitting at 251, which is -73 pounds! I am feeling great and just loving the ride!

When I stop to think about it, I can’t believe how much I’ve lost in less than four months. Going at this day by day, you tend to lose sight of the big picture. You just want to see that scale move. When it doesn’t, it’s scary! The big picture is the last thing you can see sometimes. So, what a thrill it is when you are able to step back and see how much you’ve journeyed in just 16 weeks. You realize that this time, things are different.

I look at my weekly records and think, “OMG how did I lose so much weight so fast and not feel and look sickly? It’s a miracle!” It truly is. I never dreamed in my life that I could get the bulk of this weight off. I knew I could lose some; but to lose a significant amount of weight like this truly is a blessing I am so grateful for. I am so glad I didn’t buy into the misinformation or let my fears or stubbornness hold me back from doing this!

Self-image

Yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work, I was having a body dysmorphia moment. To me, I looked the same size as my starting weight. Obviously I know I’m not, but your mind has this way of playng tricks on you – especially since I am not dropping sizes like most do.

Instead of getting bent out of shape about it, I just told myself, “On days like this, I always get just the right compliments. Hang tight and don’t stress.”

Sure enough, one of my coworkers looked at me and said, “Wow you’ve even lost weight over the weekend. You look smaller again! You’re just shrinking like crazy!” And, as I was walking away from my boss, she said, “Melissa – you’re just getting smaller and smaller. From behind, you can see how you are just getting narrower. You look amazing!”

So, my advice to those who struggle with dysmorphia is to override your natural thoughts. You have to rise above them and tell yourself that what those thoughts are telling you simply aren’t reality. Then, you need to either replace the thoughts with positive ones or simply tell yourself to hang tough and don’t stress. If you don’t work to overcome the bad self-talk, you’re never going to let yourself enjoy the many great aspects of this wonderful journey. For me, it’s a constant battle to do that. But, yesterday was my first step in just letting go of the negativity and just enjoying the day for what it is – another day I get to spend living my new life.

Hair hair everywhere!

Yup! It’s happening to me too. Like most on this journey, my hair started falling out right at three months and now, at almost four months, it’s realllllly shedding. I figure I lose about 100 hairs a day. For someone who has baby fine hair, it’s frightening.

Even though I’ve lost a lot, everyone swears to me they can’t tell. I have to say, when I do my hair, I can’t tell how much I’ve lost either. I hope it stays that way. If it doesn’t, I will be like most and cut my hair short to get through this time period.

It is very disheartening to feeling strands of hair in your hands as your shower, put in hair products and brush your hair. I have platinum blonde hair, so you can see it covering my dark tops. It’s not a good thing, but I refuse to let it get me down. This too shall pass. And, as Dr. Naaman’s nurse Pam said, she’s never seen a bald skinny person come through their doors yet. Haha

Pumping iron

After not visiting the Y for over a week, I went last night. It’s amazing how much easier it is to ride the recumbent bike for a half hour. I can’t imagine when I get more of this weight off how much more I will be able to do aerobically! I am taking it slow, but I dream of that time!

I also lifted weights. I’m finding my legs aren’t as powerful as they use to be. Then I realized that, on a daily basis, I am carrying around 70-plus less pounds than I was four months ago. By not replacing that by working out, I am sure I am not as strong. Isn’t it amazing how, when you’re obese, you carrying around tremendous amounts of weight constantly? We should be muscular not lumpy. Haha

It felt great working out, and I look forward to reshaping my body through exercise. As much as I don’t do it, I truly do love going to the gym. I am working on reprioritizing my life so I can have a regular workout routine. With return to flight for the Space Shuttle coming up in less than a month, I know it will be tough, but I will give it my best.

My Support Team

Finally, I want to talk a little about my support system. I have to say that I am probably the luckiest person on the world.

I have an amazing husband who is always there to encourage me when I get the blues. He always listens to my victories and my struggles. He is my rock. He’s always thought I was sexy, and he keeps on reminding me that his feelings haven’t changed. He’s my biggest fan and I am his. Thank you Scott. I love you so much, and I am so grateful for your everlasting support. You're the best.

If that weren’t enough, I have my parents and Granny who root me on all the way from Indiana. I have a fabulous counselor who gently helps me work through the many emotions you go through when you cut the emotional connection with food. I have a fantastic support group that misses me when I’m gone.

I have the most amazing collection of coworkers who, on a day-to-day basis, constantly encourage me, listen to me and tell me specifically the changes they are seeing. I have my wonderful friend Liz who is always there to listen, provide her knowledge and to make me laugh. On top of that, I’ve got other friends that don’t keep close tabs but do pop into my life from time to time and ask for an update.

All of these factors combined make the most amazing victory team for me. I have managed to keep negative energy out of my life. For those who are pre-op, trust me – negative energy has no place in this journey. You’re already emotionally fragile for many reasons. You must have a cocoon of love surrounding you. Even if you only have one positive person in your life and the rest are negative – bask in that positive person’s light and shun the darkness of the rest. If you have nobody, write to me. I will be your positive light. You need it. Trust me on this one.

For those who love and support me – THANK YOU!

***
Ok…that’s it for me. I need to go walk the dog and get ready for work.

God please bless me and keep me healthy. I am so grateful for the health You’ve given me. Also, please bless everyone on this wild, wonderful journey and keep them safe and healthy too!

Post-Op Day 112 - Will I lose any more weight?

OK I don’t have long to write, but I want to say that I am totally frustrated…grrrrr I am at another plateau! I’m still at 70 pounds. I guess I got spoiled by losing those quick 14 pounds because this plateau is the worst yet mentally.

I am so scared I am not going to lose any more. I’ve heard people tell me that they, their moms, friends, etc. lost between 60-70 pounds and just stopped. I can’t imagine going through all this to not lose anymore. I know that has to be the most disheartening thing ever.

Don’t get me wrong – I KNOW 70 pounds is a lot of weight. I know I feel and look better. I am loving my new life, even with all the little stumbling blocks along the way. I guess I am loving the changes so much, I am so afraid no more will happen. I just feel so lucky to have come this far, I guess I am still in disbelief that something this good could happen to me. Now I guess I fear it’s all come to an end.

As I wrote during my last plateau, I am sure I will be able to look back in a few months and say I shouldn’t have worried. However, I forget how scary plateaus are until I am back in them. Rationally I know this is my body probably catching up with the quick weight loss I just had this past month. However, irrationally I am scared.

Ok I need to get ready for work. Onward and upward, little Butterfly!

Post-Op Day 106 - Who you callin' Skinny? :-)

I just had to post quickly to say that I hit my 70-pound mark this morning! I am so excited! I can’t believe it sometimes – it’s happened so quickly! It’s weird – the losses seem to drag sometimes. And then you stop and realize – OMG I am down 70 POUNDS! Four months ago, before the surgery, I weighed 324 or so pounds. Now I weight 254!

While it has taken a while to really start showing on me (and I’ve still not as quickly through clothing sizes as most do because of my height and build), I believe the loss is now apparent to those who know me. It never fails that every day at work someone comments. I am constantly being called “Slim,” “Skinny” and “Skinny Minnie.” You know how wild that is to hear when you still weigh in the 250s? hahaha I love it! I eat it up!

Sometimes it will just hit people who see me every day out of the blue. They will just stop, stare and say something like: “Oh my God, you really ARE losing a lot of weight! You look amazing!”

What I love hearing most from every single man I know is: “Babe you were already hot and you just keep getting hotter!” The men I’ve known have always supported me even at my highest weight. I’ve always embraced my sexuality and the power of me – and men have loved it.

Most women have said similar things too. They’ve told me I was fine the way I was and I am just getting better and better. Only a few times have I heard from women things like “Wow –you’re getting pretty” or something like that. I’ve come to realize that’s just a reflection of their own insecurity – that they feel that women are only pretty if they are smaller.

That’s a myth - a rotten apple they bit into a long time ago. As I’ve always said: Sexy comes in all sizes and it’s not determined by a number on the scale. If you are pre-op or still full-figured in your weight-loss journey, I hope you are embracing your sexuality and sensuality now. Please don’t wait until some “magical time” in your life when you’re some number on the scale to embrace your power. If you do, you’re going to be sorely disappointed that some amazing metamorphosis doesn’t happen just because you’re thin. LOVE YOURSELF NOW!

Ok I am off the soapbox…

Anyway – I am finding each day to be an adventure. Even when the day is stressful or long, the compliments make it so worthwhile. I love talking about my bypass. I tell anyone and everyone who will listen. Bernie at Dr. Naaman’s office is always thanking me for my referrals. Haha I just can’t help but share the news about how amazing bypass surgery is. I feel like an evangelist for it. Haha I know it’s not for everyone but I also there are so many out there who are clueless about the facts – much like I use to be.

I have to go to work. I just had to share the news….It just keeps getting better and better. Thank You God so much for this tool! Please bless everyone on this journey…

P.S. I just realized that I am NO LONGER MORBIDLY OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My BMI is 39.8. In 15 weeks, I have lost 10.9 BMI points! I no longer would qualify for the gastric bypass surgery, as I had no comorbidities except for my weight! I never dreamed I would be thrilled to have the title of "severely Obese" but hey, I will take what I can get! hehe Yay for me!

I only need to lose 31 more pounds to be plain ol' obese. Of course you know that that means...in 31 pounds, I will have lost 101 pounds. Now how cool would THAT be????

Anyway, I just had to share!

Post-Op Day 96 - The scale is moving in a big way!

I just had to write this really quick – the scale is moving in a BIG BIG BIG way! I lost another 2.5 yesterday. I am at 65.5 gone now! OMG I cannot BELIEVE IT!

I am sure it all has to do with I am not eating much and the swelling from the surgery is going down. Wow – I wish the rest of my weight loss would work like this. Haha WOW WOW WOW. I am just in shock. I have now not only surpassed the lowest known weight I’ve been as an adult (263.5), but I just passed my 20% mark in total body weight loss.

You know at Weight Watchers, they want your first goal to be the loss of 10% of your body weight. Then if you need to lose more (like me), they set your second goal at 20% and then so on. If I were doing WW, I would have just made a BIG milestone! But, isn’t 65.5 pounds a big milestone too? Haha Not bad for 13 weeks!

Anyway – just had to share!