Post-Op Day 153 - The results are in!

The results are in and......it's benign!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I am so relieved! I didn't realize how much it was stressing me out until I had to wait today for the results. The nurse called at 3:30 or so. What a blessing it was to hear that news.

On June 23, I go to meet with the surgeon again to schedule a time to get it taken out. I definitely don't want to sit back and watch to see what happens. I want it out of there.

Scott has been such a wonderful supporter through all this - and the rest of my stuff. When he woke me up this morning, he said, "Today's the day you're gonna get good news!" He is so precious.

The day started kinda scary. The nurse that drives me nuts at my PCP's office called to tell me that my bloodwork indicated that my liver functions were elevated on two accounts. My PCP wants me to get an ultrasound on my liver Friday. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got ahold of Pam, the FABULOUS nurse in Dr. Naaman's office. She had me get my info faxed over so Dr. N could review it. She called me back and said that my levels were even higher in one instance March 29. She said after surgery, our levels bounce and Dr. N isn't concerned. However, he said to go ahead and do the ultrasound but he doesn't think anything will be found.

Soooooooo....I dunno. I am just tired, ya know?

Anyway, I am just going to enjoy knowing that tumor is benign and I will take the rest as it comes my way - one step at a time.

***

I received a lot of comments on my weight loss today it seems. It's so good to hear it. I am just loving it all and I never want to take it for granted.

God, thank YOU for all my blessings. Please bless everyone on this journey, no matter what phase they are in. Also bless those who didn't get good news today.

Goodbye May and hello June...Here's hoping I hit 100!

Post-Op Day 152 - Five months and 89 pounds!

Well the official total for five months is in – 89 pounds down! Woo hoo! How exciting! I just can’t believe it! I feel so fortunate! When I weighed yesterday, I was so hoping the scale wouldn’t have me heavier than the day before. I mean, it wouldn’t have devastated me but it would have been a bummer.

This morning when I got on the scale, it was a tease. It had me at 89.5 hahha. Sooooooooo close to 90 – gosh! I told Scott that the numbers 90 and higher just seem like SO MUCH. He said so were the 70s and 80s. I know that of course, but there’s something about 90 and more to me. I can’t believe how small the numbers are getting on the scale. I think I will feel the same about the 220s and lower as I do about 90 and more. Just some numbers really grab ya!

Actually, this will be a short entry. It’s time to go to bed. I’ve done nothing all Memorial Day weekend. We did go out dancing Saturday night, and I had a blast of course. I always do. Once a party girl, always a party girl.

I’ve tried not to stress getting the results from the biopsy back this weekend, but I am scared. This is such a heavy cloud over me right now. I try to be positive, but I am definitely nervous and frightened. I just feel so blessed to have had this amazing surgery, and I want to live my life in abundance – even more than before. I appreciate things so much now - and I just want to get out from under the cloud. Hope that makes sense.

I had an offline message today on Yahoo from my friend Al back in Louisville. He and I met online over five years ago and, though we’ve only met in person a couple of times, we’ve created a bond that will last a lifetime. He is such an insightful, precious man who has always been nothing but a big supporter of me. I don’t know how I got so lucky for God to bless me with such an angel, but He did.

I rarely hear from Al – maybe once every three months. And I always hear from him via offline messages. But, he’s always got something very positive to say and he never ceases to amaze me with the depth of his care for me. Well, I guess he read my journal recently and learned of my struggles. As a result, he left me a beautiful offline that I will close with. Thank you Al – I love you dearly, my Friend.

Melissa Sometimes it's difficult, if not impossible, to fathom the big Plan. I think you've always been one to accomplish great things. Most of them have been goals of your own choosing; however, there are times when we must rise to the challenges that are chosen for us. I know you to be a fine lady, and I know you'll be just fine. I'll always remember you. Wishing you all the best, al

Post-Op Day 150 - Time is flying by...

WOW…today marks my 150th day since surgery! I cannot believe it!!!!! Time really does fly by. I am so THANKFUL that I’ve had no complications from this surgery (knock on wood). It’s been a tough road medically otherwise, but I believe this surgery has been the best thing for my life.

Today I got on the scale and I weighed…drum roll please…235 pounds! I cannot even believe that number as I type it! Compare 235 to 324 – oh my …it’s incredible! That puts me at -89 down!!! OMG! I never dreamed I would see that kind of loss – especially before six months. I mean, I hoped to but you know how it is – you fail SO MANY TIMES at weight loss that you cannot even imagine anything this great happening to you!

Tomorrow is my five-month anniversary. I can’t believe it. Even if the scale is back up a pound tomorrow, it’s all good. This is such a wonderful journey. I am appreciating the freedom I have from food right now. I know down the road it will become more of a struggle again, but for now – it’s just such a fabulous feeling not wanting to gorge all the time.

And, when you do find that rare food that actually tastes so good and you want more of, you can’t have it! Sure it’s frustrating at the time because your instinct is to stuff your face. However, you can’t help but be thankful that you can’t shovel it in any longer.

Thank You God for this miracle tool!

Visit with the new surgeon

On Thursday, I went to Houston’s world-famous Medical Center. I met with Baylor University Ears Nose Throat Surgeon Dr. Richard Parke. Below is the letter that I sent to my friends and co-workers on Friday:

Hello everyone -
I wanted to give you all an update on my visit with the Baylor surgeon yesterday.
Well...he seemed confident that it wasn't cancer. After feeling the tumor and looking at my MRI results, he thought it seemed like a pleomorphic adenoma in my parotid (salivary) gland, which is a benign tumor. He said he is right about these things 95 percent of the time. (He was cocky and self-assured - which I want in a surgeon!)

He said I will still need surgery regardless to get it out. If it stays too long, it can get severely entangled in my facial nerve and/or turn malignant if it is currently benign.

The doctor said he wanted me to get a Fine Needle Aspiration (biopsy) to 1. find out how quickly he needs to get it out and 2. hopefully put my mind at rest by letting me know what exactly it is we're dealing with.

The surgery will be detailed as it is a delicate area obviously, but he's never had left anyone with permanent facial paralysis. He said he has done about 2,000 of these in his career, and he trained under the man who wrote the book on this surgery. He told me I just have to trust him that he will get me through it without lasting damage.

He then sent me to get a biopsy on the area. The pathologist who did it was SUPER nice. I told her how I am so tired of stress and surgeries (three in less than five months), and now the thought of waiting the long weekend to find out if it's cancer was an overwhelming feeling.
The biopsy hurt, as they stuck the needle through the gland with no numbing.

However, I know it needed to be done. It was just so wonderful in fact that I got to feel it again. Haha

But the great part about it is that, as she checked it under a microscope to see if she got what she needed for her labwork, she said cheerfully: "Well it's looking like a pleomorphic adenoma to me!"

I was stunned.

I said, "Really?"

She said, "Yup - I can't tell you officially until we review it in the lab, but it sure looks benign to me! I'm not supposed to tell you that, but I don't want you to spend your whole weekend scared you have cancer when it looks like this."

I was so relieved!!! She looked at the other slide from the second needle and said it too looked benign. She had another pathologist look at it. She too said it looked benign. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. I had told myself I can get through the surgery just fine and won't stress it if I learn it is benign.

So I am again cautiously optimistic. Of course, I will hold all celebration until it's official. I should know something by Tuesday. I will let you know the official results then.

Thank you all for your positive energy and prayers. It means the world to me. I know I couldn't have gotten through a fourth of this if it hadn't been for your support.

With that said, I also want to tell you that, as of today, I am down 88 pounds! Not bad for 21 weeks. I feel very blessed to have had such wonderful results thanks to my awesome surgeon Dr. Adam Naaman. I appreciate your support and encouragement with the bypass as well. I am so blessed by each one of you.

Ok I am done rambling. I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

THANK YOU!
Melissa

Of course I was hoping to get my results yesterday. But, alas, they didn’t come through. While the pathologist did comfort me with giving me the inside scoop, I still have lingering anxiety. However, I keep pushing through and believe God will protect me through it all.

Coping
In this five months with my myriad of health issues – coccyx problems, strep throat, gall bladder, tumor – combined with stress from work and life, I’ve not been able to fall back on my best coping mechanism: OVEREATING.

This definitely has been a crash course on how to not rely on food for comfort. I have been stressed to the max on so many things and I’ve not been able to fall back to the old “stuff my face” routine. Now I find I don’t eat much at all. In fact, it’s something I have to overcome because I can’t neglect myself this way either.

Jeans
Anyone who knows me knows I never wear jeans. I might wear them once a year. I’ve always hated how I look in jeans. It probably goes back to my childhood where I never found any that fit right. I had woman hips even as a kid. Looking back, they probably looked good on me cuz I had the shapelier hips. But everyone else was straight as a rail, so I wanted to be too.

About a month ago, I decided to buy myself a pair of jeans. I’ve only had one pair since being in Houston and they were like size 28s. I looked terrible in them, but, for whatever reason, Scott loved me in jeans. I just could never make myself wear them. I feel awkward. Anyway, I decided to get over that and just get some.

I had been fitting into some size 20 clothes, but I decided to pick up a pair of 22s at walmart and just bring them home. Well, to my dismay, I couldn’t get them close to buckling. In fact, it was a struggle to get them over my hips. I vowed to take them back. Scott said to keep them – I would fit them in no time. I just didn’t want to have to work to squeeze into 22s when everything else is getting smaller.

I never got around to returning them. So, they sat in the guest bedroom. On Wednesday, I was feeling good about my 5.5 pound weight loss this week, so I thought I’d see how close I was to them fitting. When they slid over my hips and buckled, I about fainted! I cannot imagine that I lost that many inches in just a month! I decided to wear them to work.

Well, my "victory" jeans were the hot topic. Haha Nobody had really seen me in them. Plus, it totally showed off my weight loss. Everyone was talking about how hot and sexy and small I look! It’s funny cuz I am really still struggling to see it. But, I just go with the flow.

The best reaction of all is when I got home and Scott saw me! He was so happy and thought I looked amazing! He kept telling me how hot I looked in them. Man, it made my week to hear him talk about how I looked in those jeans. It was then he too realized just how much my body has changed.

For the record, I am embracing my curves much more this time around. :-)

Biggest freaky weight-loss moment thus far….

Ok it finally happened…one of those undeniable ‘freaky weight-loss moments” that happen with significant weight loss.

On Thursday, Scott went with me to the surgeon. We had been together at the doc's office for two hours together. Afterwards, he went to smoke and I said "I will be right here." I sat down on a bench and made some phone calls.

After a while, he walked up to me and we went to lunch. As we ate, I said: “Do I look ok today? I just feel like I don’t.”

He told me I looked great but he hadn’t recognized me earlier. I said, “huh?” He said that when he came up the escalator after smoking, he couldn’t find me. In fact he even walked past me but I had my head down. He said he even noticed the blonde lady on the phone and kept on walking. That blonde lady was ME! HE DIDN’T RECOGNIZE ME!!

He walked all over that floor looking for me – through the deli, by the elevators, all over. When he re-approached my area, we made eye contact and he recognized me.

Hearing that was the weirdest feeling! I’ve had people see me and be surprised at how different I look – but for my own hubby not to recognize me in public was definitely a wild thing to hear. Too funny!

Post-Op Day 144 - Lots going on

I know, I know..it’s been forever since I wrote! I’ve just been trucking right along in my journey. Time passes by so quickly. I remember how those first six weeks dragged when I was on liquids. For pre-ops and new post-ops, just remember: It does get easier – MUCH easier!

I am loving life as always. I make it a point to cherish every day I am blessed with. Sure, I’ve had some stress but I try to not let it control me. I always keep in mind: That which you try to control, controls you instead.

***
How ironic I wrote the above about two weeks ago. Since then, my life has been thrown into another tizzy and, more than ever, I am in an inner struggle with trying to not let stress control me.

Gosh – where do I even begin? I am just so overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk. Suddenly, my vision got weird and I saw black spots. It last for like 10 minutes. It was so bizarre. Even more bizarre was that an hour later, my right arm went numb for no reason – like it fell asleep. Along with it, the right side of my upper lip did too. This lasted for about 10 minutes as well. After that, a dull headache set in.

I went to see my doctor, and she said it could be the symptoms of a migraine. However, she wanted me to get an MRI of my brain just to rule out tumors or an aneurysm. Needless to say this scared me.

The results were that my brain was “unremarkable” – which in this case is a good thing. HOWEVER, in the scan they noted a tumor on my neck in the parotid (salivary) gland. I needed to get another MRI but this time of the neck. Of course, I didn’t know that they were looking at tumor at the time. The nurse I don’t care for at my doctor’s office told me I had an abnormally large parathyroid. Part of me is glad that she is clueless and that I had no idea it was a tumor before going for my second MRI. I know I would have just been more freaked than I was.

On Thursday, the day after my neck MRI, the nurse called with a cryptic message. She told me the results were in and my doctor wanted to talk to me the next morning about the findings before sending me to a specialist. This news of course freaked me out, as I knew I would have fretted and fretted all night long. So I basically demanded that they see me then. So I rushed over there and sat in the room for an HOUR panicked beyond belief. I sat and wrote three pages in my notebook of how terrified I was at that moment. It was horrible.

My doctor finally came in and told me that I had a 3cm tumor under my right ear with some enlarged lymph nodes around it. I said I had never felt it. She felt in the area and found it right away. I then felt it, and sure enough – it’s there. It’s so frightening to know that you can just have something growing on you and you have no clue whatsoever.

The radiologist’s report was fairly negative, saying malignancy should not be ruled out and he gave four cancers to investigate. He said the chances of it being benign with some swollen lymph nodes was a possibility but probably not likely. She said we could speculate all day on if it is cancer or not, but she just wanted to get things moving and was sending me to an ear, nose and throat specialist. She knew I was scared and she said she would be too.

I was in shock and panic and fear and all the other horrible emotions that come with it. I took the report home and dissected it using the Internet. It seriously read negative. I was overcome by darkness. It’s terrible how your life can go from lightness to darkness in an instant.

I didn’t have a breakdown until the following morning (Friday) when I was alone in the house. I cried and cried and cried. I sat in my bathtub just sobbing. I love my life so much. I really do. I cherish every second of it. The thought of something bad happening devastated me.

I had to go get some bloodwork done. They are checking my platelets. I am soooo terrified as to what the results will be. PLEASE GOD let them be normal!! I am so scared to hear the results.

I then went to see the surgeon. My wonderful and supportive friend Joanne went with me. Bless her. He was a wonderful man who really worked to calm my nerves. I will share here the letter I sent to my coworkers…

OK Everyone...

First of all, thank you for your prayers and waves of positive energy! I am a firm believer in all that and hold tight to it, so I felt your energy through all of this.

I am back from the surgeon...although he couldn't say 100 percent, he repeatedly said he believes it is a benign tumor. He said surprises can happen and it could be cancer, but he seemed confident it was benign - even from when he first felt it. He repeated it when he reviewed my MRIs - pointing out characteristics that are consistent with this particular type of benign tumor.

He says it has probably been there for a while, and while it's good size - it's not the biggest he's seen.

I asked him about all the scary stuff in the radiologist's report. He said doctors like to state their opinion, that’s why they're doctors. However, he said in dealing with this kind of stuff, someone who sees this stuff all the time knows more. All in all, he acted as if I was a fairly routine case.
With that said, he did tell me that the tumor needs to be removed because it is above and below my facial nerve. Yes I know - more surgery for me! The surgery is going to be quite involved and tricky with two surgeons. It can last three to four hours.

The severe downside is that there is a possibility of paralysis on the right side of my face if the facial nerves are damaged during the surgery. It could cause a permanent droopy mouth on the right side. Yes, this scares me because I think everyone knows how much I love to smile.
However, the surgeons he recommended me to do this every day. They are with Baylor in the Med Center. I have an appointment with them next Thursday.

If this surgery is the worst part of it, I am totally ok with it. I am not complaining about that. I will take anything positive I can get.

All in all, I am cautiously optimistic. I feel like once I awake from surgery, they will know what it is one way or another. If it's cancer, it will be removed from my body already and I can tackle it from there. If it's not, there will be no linger issues, he said. It will be taken care of from that procedure.

The severity of the surgery is scary and, gosh knows, I am about surgeried out. BUT, I take this over bad news any old day!

Whew!! I want to thank you all for your love and support. As I told my team, I count on my circle of family and friends to give me strength. Each one of you is very special to me, and I am beyond blessed. I hope I can return the love and support tenfold to each of you!

Now I am going to nap and enjoy my weekend. Life's too short for us all not to do that, right?

***
I felt this optimism all weekend as I went out both nights and had fantastic times. It wasn’t until my night was ending Saturday night that the scariness of it all hit me again.

All day yesterday I felt such a feeling of doom. The world felt dark again. I am just so tired and confused. I feel like my life is a total mess – because of this and because of my own doing. I can’t get a grasp on anything.

This morning, I have that same negative feeling. I am sure on some level I am battling depression. My natural instinct is to be happy and exuberant. However, the heaviness of all this is pushing me down into depression.

I feel like God is angry at me in some ways, but in most other ways I feel like He is right here on my side through it all. I know He will never forsake me – but sometimes I can’t imagine why He wouldn’t. I keep thinking of a lyric in my favorite Rich Mullins song “Nothing is Beyond You” – “Even if I made my bed in hell, still there You would find me.” How powerful is that? I feel so undeserving, so it amazes me how God thinks I am, you know?

If you’ve never heard the song, you need to. It is so Divinely inspired. I will put the lyrics here:

NOTHING IS BEYOND YOU

Where could I go, where could I run
Even if I found the strength to fly

And if I rose on the wings of the dawn
And crashed through the corner of the sky

If I sailed past the edge of the sea
Even if I made my bed in Hell
Still there You would find me

'Cause nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety

The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You

Time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
Death has lost its sting

And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You

If I should shrink back from the light
So I can sink into the dark

If I take cover and I close my eyes
Even then You would see my heart

And You'd cut through all my pain and rage
The darkness is not dark to You
And night's as bright as day

Nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety

The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You

And time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
And death has lost its sting

And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You

***
I am trying to focus on me and my weight-loss journey through it all. Normally I would be stuffing my face. Now, I find myself not eating or drinking enough unless I consciously force it. I cannot neglect myself. I don’t know why my tendency is to do it, but that’s how it is. So, I am trying to put myself first and just do it.

I do get excited about my losses – and I do not regret this surgery in any way. What a blessing it has been in my life. I share my enthusiasm for it everywhere I go. Even when I was out Saturday night, I shared my story with another beautiful full-figured lady. She is totally interested. I just know how much it can improve a life and take away so much hurt, sadness, embarrassment and frustration. It’s just so empowering to finally conquer something that beats you down every second of your life.

I also started a bypass support group at work. It was amazing. We met on for the first time on Thursday just before all my bad news. I was so pumped from it. We had a woman who is curious about the surgery; my coworker who is awaiting approval; a new post-op who is doing great; another coworker who is a month behind me and doing awesome; and a post-op who is one year out and doing incredible. She really gave us a vision and hope! It was an open group with lots of sharing and caring. I am so excited about it!

The heaviness of the other situation is pissing me off because I think it is taking away from my excitement that I am 14 pounds away from hitting my 100-pounds gone mark. When I stop to think of that, I am floored. That’s right: I am at 238, which means that I am -86 pounds!! Praise God for that blessing! I haven’t been in the 230s in at least 10 years. I am also firmly in 18-20s. I can’t believe it sometimes.WOW. I also keep thinking that I am less than 40 pounds from being in the 100s – a place I haven’t been in since high school. I think by the end of the year, I will be in One-derland.

It’s also been great as people continue to compliment me and I freak out people who haven’t seen me in a few months. It’s such a wonderful thing – I can’t even explain it. The victories just keep rolling in.

This year has been one filled with so much happiness and yet so many fears. I am just mentally exhausted and I feel physically exhausted too. I just want to hide in the corner sometimes. However, I know I have to keep pressing forward. I can’t give up. As Gene Kranz said during the Apollo 13 incident: Failure is not an option.

***
Finally, I just wanted to say that before all this happened, I had the pleasure of meeting my gastric bypass “twin” – Diana. We had our surgeries on the same day and she lives here in town. She had been reading my journal for a while and wrote me about a month ago.

We were able to meet for dinner one night and hit is off instantly. She is such a precious woman who is having amazing results with her surgery too. She’s already down 100+ pounds and she looks FANTASTIC! We’ve also gotten to go out dancing together and go shopping. It’s so nice to meet someone who totally understands where I am at. I am so blessed to have met her.

***
Ok I am so glad I finally got all this written. It’s been nagging at me that I hadn’t updated. I guess things have been hitting me so fast and furious, the thought of writing it all down was overwhelming me. So…now it’s done.

I have to get ready for work and face this day. I know being with everyone will perk up my day. I am so blessed to have the most amazing team and boss ever.

Please say a prayer for Scott and me. I feel for Scott having to go through all this and not being able to do anything but stand back and watch it unfold. He stays positive and upbeat, and for that I am thankful. He is a very good man.

God please bless everyone on this weight-loss journey, and please bless all those who are scared and hurting in the world. Please let this tumor be benign and that the surgery will not cause damage to my face or any other part of my body. Thank You for my many, many blessings, and thank You for loving me as-is.

Post-Op Day 123 - Scott's insight/Revisiting the past

11:21 a.m. - In my mind, this was going to be a more active day...but I can tell it's going to be another lazy day. haha That's ok - next Sunday we're going out of town to see Scott's Mom for Mother's Day. So, it will be much more hectic of a weekend than this weekend.

Plus, it's been a good weekend for me to get refocused on my goals for my weight-loss surgery. I've been reading Obesity Help info, as well as info on the Bariatric Support Center website, where I am a member. I've never taken full advantage of my membership until now. I've spent the weekend reading about the Success Habits and learning other good stuff.

Scott's insight

This morning I also asked Scott if he could write about my journey thus far through his eyes for this journal. I thought it would be interesting to hear what he had to say. And it was. In parts, it was hard to read; other parts really touched me. He is such a wonderful, insightful man. I love how he sees the world and I always have. I feel so blessed to have him as my best friend, lover and husband. So...here it goes...

Gastric Bypass for the already beautiful in 660 words or less by Scott

How do you tell a beautiful girl that she’s beautiful enough times that she never thinks about having surgery to become, what she thinks, is a beautiful girl?

You can’t.

This is what I have faced as I left 2004 and came into 2005. My already beautiful girl, who can’t even stand needles and getting shots, is seriously contemplating a major surgical procedure in order to lose weight. At first I was skeptical – not so much at the procedure, but her commitment to going through with it. Melissa starts a lot of stuff but, due to her ADHD, she has trouble following through or keeping up with things and finishing them.

She gets bored easily if it’s not challenging and can’t hold her interest, so she has to try a lot of different things in order to see what works for her when it comes to dieting and her physical health activities. She tries them out and, if they don’t show results fast enough or it’s boring, it falls to the wayside.

I’m surprised I’ve even lasted this long :-)

Melissa actually wrestled through this whole process and got scooted through all the paperwork and, before no time at all, they scheduled her a surgery date. We were both very surprised, to say the least. December 29th was the day, so we now had a target date to focus our concerns as well as positive thoughts. She told her parents the date and it almost coincided with their Christmas visit. They’d be leaving here the day she went in for surgery. I knew that wouldn’t fly. They ended up staying till after she got out of the hospital, which was just 1 day after her surgery. By then she was chomping at the bit to get out and get home and see her parents and puppy dog Katie.

Getting to this point was just half the journey for her.

Little by little, my beautiful girl is noticeably shrinking down in size. I feel it when I hug her and hold her; I see it when she walks in the door from work. All her coworkers are noticing and making comments. Men who weren’t making comments before are now making comments. Men have always made comments though, so adding to that list isn’t a concern nor does it bother me.

Even though she’s getting smaller, she is still my beautiful girl and she is still sexxy.

I have her, she’s mine, and you lose!!

I married a big girl, ya know? Part of me felt gypped by her decision to have the surgery so that aspect of our relationship was a concern to both of us. How would I feel about this surgery considering that I have a preference for beautiful girls of the larger persuasion? I really didn’t know how to feel but at the same time, it’s a very personal decision and I basically have no say in something like that. It’s a strange position to be in as a spouse. You have to trust that your love is strong enough to handle the weight of your decisions. The divorce rate amongst couples going through the surgery is very high, so the surgery has a significant impact on a couple’s relationship. How would we both handle it?

So far, so good.

After four short months my beautiful girl is down 75 lbs. It still takes work from both of us to keep in tune with each other and in tune with each other’s individual emotional needs. We communicate better than we have in the past. It may come out in short emotional bursts, but it does come out and it gets communicated. That’s important. I still love her and she is still as gorgeous as ever, but she is smaller than I have ever known her right now and she still has a ways to go.

What kind of beautiful will she be when she’s finished?

Stay tuned….

Revisiting the past

Tonight, Scott and I returned to our most favorite getaway restaurant – Texas Land and Cattle (TXLC). We’ve eaten at better places mind you, but this is OUR place.

It’s where we use to go get drinks and unwind from long days. It’s where we celebrated special moments in our lives. It’s where we’ve had some heated discussions. It’s where we planned our wedding that happened in a week. It’s where we sat and envisioned our home as it was being built. It’s where we truly discussed in-depth me having bypass surgery. It’s where I’ve missed most since having the surgery.

Why have I missed it? Definitely the food is a big reason. It was my pig-out place. But it’s more than that. I’ve missed the ambience, the memories captured there and, most of all, that getaway time with Scott, where we would just sit there, facing one another and talk. I loved that time together so much.

Since the surgery – our meal-time banter has been pretty non-existent because meal time has been pretty non-existent. He’s been eating big lunches and eating very little for dinner – perhaps a PB sandwich – in an effort to lose weight himself. He’s done fabulous: 20 pounds since my surgery. I am so proud of him and he looks hotter than ever!

We do make an attempt to sit on the couch together and talk to stay connected. I’ve enjoyed our new tradition – but I can’t help but miss our face-to-face time at restaurants, especially TXLC.

Anyway, tonight we decided to return. Now that I am free to eat shrimp and beef, there’s no reason why I can’t go. So, we got all dolled up and headed back.

It was wild driving up again. It had become a weekly thing for us – so being away for four months has really put some time and distance between us. Our usual seating area was filled, so we got a different booth. Just being in there was awesome – the sights, the smells, the memories. Isn’t it funny how sentimental I am for one restaurant?

When Scott looked across the table at me, he said it was wild to see a smaller me than he’s use to seeing when we’re there. I was wondering if he would think that. I felt smaller there in the booth too.

I so badly wanted to order my usual Kendell Jackson Chardonnay, but I didn’t for obvious reasons. I just got water. No I don’t drink water with my meals, but I do like to have it there in case I get choked or need a little sip to wet my mouth.

We told the waiter no bread. That was hard, knowing how much we love the bread there. We did order our favorite appetizer – shrimp salsa. It is soooooooooooooo good. I was nervous to eat shrimp – since I hadn’t done it since the surgery. However, it went down just fine and MAN it was incredible. Mmmmmmmm I only ate 1 ½ tortilla chip with the salsa – the rest I just ate with a fork.

Next was my old fave Chicken Tortilla Soup. Like I said – OLD fave. Just the smell of the soup turned me off. I am still traumatized by six weeks of soups. Haha Ugh – I took one sip and it just tasted gross. On top of that, something tickled my throat and I started coughing and coughing! Thank goodness I had some water to sip.

After that, we had to wait a little bit for our steak. It was nice to have time to chat with Scott. We talked about how life has changed since we were there 75 pounds ago. Things are the same in some ways but so very different in other ways. I felt a sadness come over me. I told him I hope I haven’t hurt my body for the future by having my stomach reduced. I actually felt kind of panicky. I know getting this weight off is ultimately the best thing for me.

Don’t know why I had a freak-out moment. I think I was just finally facing the old me. That place represents the old me a great deal in fact. The old me was not a bad person – she just couldn’t control her eating. She was lost. She knew how to get back, but the food addiction kept her tethered to an unhealthy lifestyle. In that restaurant, I truly missed overeating for the first time since the surgery. I missed stuffing myself with food, drinks and dessert. It was quite eye-opening.

When they brought out my 8 ounces of smoked sirloin, the portion looked absolutely huge. That blew me away because before, 8 ounces was the smallest portion I would get and I could eat it all. I loved their steak so much in fact, that I would get the biggest portion and take some home to eat. Now, 8 ounces seemed unfathomable.

I cut the steak into small bites and ate slowly. It went down easy…so much easier than chicken ever does. And, OMG, it was sooooooooooooooo good! It was the first meal since surgery that I loved. I dipped my pieces into my mashed potatoes and I ate slowly - but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stuff my face in fact. I paced myself and put down my fork between most bites. I ate about 2 ounces and called it quits. Physically I was full; psychologically I wasn’t at all. I wanted more and more and more.

I realized this is what will make or break me ultimately. I have to learn control. I have to learn that I cannot eat until I feel gorged. I have to stop eating when I feel full. The fullness has to be physical because it surely isn’t mental. Mentally, I wanted more. I don’t know why, but it just didn’t feel right to stop. I did though. Scott praised me because he knows how hard it was for me. Stopping went against everything in me – against all my patterns that I have while eating there.

I got a to-go box, he paid the bill and we didn’t linger. We slid out of the booth and left. I walked past the plastic dessert replicas. I saw my favorite one represented there. I told myself dessert had been my Judas and I walked out. I got that from my support group leader Kimberly. I had always thought of it as my betrayer but her calling it Judas hit the nail on the head.

When I left, I felt happy and sad. I was so very happy that I am at a point in my recovery where I can eat there again. I felt sad because it’s true – life as I knew it before surgery has changed forever. While that’s a good thing, there’s still mourning that must happen in this journey. For me, I am now able to return to most normalcies. However, I am learning that normal is no longer normal. IT might look the same – but it has changed. What’s that saying – “You can’t go home again”?

I still plan to take a positive approach to it. I told Scott that tonight we started a new tradition. It’s the beginning of our new lives. I love new beginnings, so I see it is a good thing. Saying goodbye to who you were is hard, but it can be liberating too. I am no longer a slave to food. Sometimes I find myself missing being a slave, but that is sick thinking and I am recovering from it day by day.

When I came home, I took Katie for a walk around the neighborhood. It felt good to exercise and feel in control of myself. Recovery is hard and so is accepting the good stuff in life. However, I wouldn’t trade all of this that’s happened to me in the past four months for the world. I am growing and learning and improving – how exciting is that?

Thank You God for this pivotal day. Please continue to bless me, and please bless everyone on this journey of self-discovery and healing.