Post-Op Day 123 - Scott's insight/Revisiting the past

11:21 a.m. - In my mind, this was going to be a more active day...but I can tell it's going to be another lazy day. haha That's ok - next Sunday we're going out of town to see Scott's Mom for Mother's Day. So, it will be much more hectic of a weekend than this weekend.

Plus, it's been a good weekend for me to get refocused on my goals for my weight-loss surgery. I've been reading Obesity Help info, as well as info on the Bariatric Support Center website, where I am a member. I've never taken full advantage of my membership until now. I've spent the weekend reading about the Success Habits and learning other good stuff.

Scott's insight

This morning I also asked Scott if he could write about my journey thus far through his eyes for this journal. I thought it would be interesting to hear what he had to say. And it was. In parts, it was hard to read; other parts really touched me. He is such a wonderful, insightful man. I love how he sees the world and I always have. I feel so blessed to have him as my best friend, lover and husband. So...here it goes...

Gastric Bypass for the already beautiful in 660 words or less by Scott

How do you tell a beautiful girl that she’s beautiful enough times that she never thinks about having surgery to become, what she thinks, is a beautiful girl?

You can’t.

This is what I have faced as I left 2004 and came into 2005. My already beautiful girl, who can’t even stand needles and getting shots, is seriously contemplating a major surgical procedure in order to lose weight. At first I was skeptical – not so much at the procedure, but her commitment to going through with it. Melissa starts a lot of stuff but, due to her ADHD, she has trouble following through or keeping up with things and finishing them.

She gets bored easily if it’s not challenging and can’t hold her interest, so she has to try a lot of different things in order to see what works for her when it comes to dieting and her physical health activities. She tries them out and, if they don’t show results fast enough or it’s boring, it falls to the wayside.

I’m surprised I’ve even lasted this long :-)

Melissa actually wrestled through this whole process and got scooted through all the paperwork and, before no time at all, they scheduled her a surgery date. We were both very surprised, to say the least. December 29th was the day, so we now had a target date to focus our concerns as well as positive thoughts. She told her parents the date and it almost coincided with their Christmas visit. They’d be leaving here the day she went in for surgery. I knew that wouldn’t fly. They ended up staying till after she got out of the hospital, which was just 1 day after her surgery. By then she was chomping at the bit to get out and get home and see her parents and puppy dog Katie.

Getting to this point was just half the journey for her.

Little by little, my beautiful girl is noticeably shrinking down in size. I feel it when I hug her and hold her; I see it when she walks in the door from work. All her coworkers are noticing and making comments. Men who weren’t making comments before are now making comments. Men have always made comments though, so adding to that list isn’t a concern nor does it bother me.

Even though she’s getting smaller, she is still my beautiful girl and she is still sexxy.

I have her, she’s mine, and you lose!!

I married a big girl, ya know? Part of me felt gypped by her decision to have the surgery so that aspect of our relationship was a concern to both of us. How would I feel about this surgery considering that I have a preference for beautiful girls of the larger persuasion? I really didn’t know how to feel but at the same time, it’s a very personal decision and I basically have no say in something like that. It’s a strange position to be in as a spouse. You have to trust that your love is strong enough to handle the weight of your decisions. The divorce rate amongst couples going through the surgery is very high, so the surgery has a significant impact on a couple’s relationship. How would we both handle it?

So far, so good.

After four short months my beautiful girl is down 75 lbs. It still takes work from both of us to keep in tune with each other and in tune with each other’s individual emotional needs. We communicate better than we have in the past. It may come out in short emotional bursts, but it does come out and it gets communicated. That’s important. I still love her and she is still as gorgeous as ever, but she is smaller than I have ever known her right now and she still has a ways to go.

What kind of beautiful will she be when she’s finished?

Stay tuned….

Revisiting the past

Tonight, Scott and I returned to our most favorite getaway restaurant – Texas Land and Cattle (TXLC). We’ve eaten at better places mind you, but this is OUR place.

It’s where we use to go get drinks and unwind from long days. It’s where we celebrated special moments in our lives. It’s where we’ve had some heated discussions. It’s where we planned our wedding that happened in a week. It’s where we sat and envisioned our home as it was being built. It’s where we truly discussed in-depth me having bypass surgery. It’s where I’ve missed most since having the surgery.

Why have I missed it? Definitely the food is a big reason. It was my pig-out place. But it’s more than that. I’ve missed the ambience, the memories captured there and, most of all, that getaway time with Scott, where we would just sit there, facing one another and talk. I loved that time together so much.

Since the surgery – our meal-time banter has been pretty non-existent because meal time has been pretty non-existent. He’s been eating big lunches and eating very little for dinner – perhaps a PB sandwich – in an effort to lose weight himself. He’s done fabulous: 20 pounds since my surgery. I am so proud of him and he looks hotter than ever!

We do make an attempt to sit on the couch together and talk to stay connected. I’ve enjoyed our new tradition – but I can’t help but miss our face-to-face time at restaurants, especially TXLC.

Anyway, tonight we decided to return. Now that I am free to eat shrimp and beef, there’s no reason why I can’t go. So, we got all dolled up and headed back.

It was wild driving up again. It had become a weekly thing for us – so being away for four months has really put some time and distance between us. Our usual seating area was filled, so we got a different booth. Just being in there was awesome – the sights, the smells, the memories. Isn’t it funny how sentimental I am for one restaurant?

When Scott looked across the table at me, he said it was wild to see a smaller me than he’s use to seeing when we’re there. I was wondering if he would think that. I felt smaller there in the booth too.

I so badly wanted to order my usual Kendell Jackson Chardonnay, but I didn’t for obvious reasons. I just got water. No I don’t drink water with my meals, but I do like to have it there in case I get choked or need a little sip to wet my mouth.

We told the waiter no bread. That was hard, knowing how much we love the bread there. We did order our favorite appetizer – shrimp salsa. It is soooooooooooooo good. I was nervous to eat shrimp – since I hadn’t done it since the surgery. However, it went down just fine and MAN it was incredible. Mmmmmmmm I only ate 1 ½ tortilla chip with the salsa – the rest I just ate with a fork.

Next was my old fave Chicken Tortilla Soup. Like I said – OLD fave. Just the smell of the soup turned me off. I am still traumatized by six weeks of soups. Haha Ugh – I took one sip and it just tasted gross. On top of that, something tickled my throat and I started coughing and coughing! Thank goodness I had some water to sip.

After that, we had to wait a little bit for our steak. It was nice to have time to chat with Scott. We talked about how life has changed since we were there 75 pounds ago. Things are the same in some ways but so very different in other ways. I felt a sadness come over me. I told him I hope I haven’t hurt my body for the future by having my stomach reduced. I actually felt kind of panicky. I know getting this weight off is ultimately the best thing for me.

Don’t know why I had a freak-out moment. I think I was just finally facing the old me. That place represents the old me a great deal in fact. The old me was not a bad person – she just couldn’t control her eating. She was lost. She knew how to get back, but the food addiction kept her tethered to an unhealthy lifestyle. In that restaurant, I truly missed overeating for the first time since the surgery. I missed stuffing myself with food, drinks and dessert. It was quite eye-opening.

When they brought out my 8 ounces of smoked sirloin, the portion looked absolutely huge. That blew me away because before, 8 ounces was the smallest portion I would get and I could eat it all. I loved their steak so much in fact, that I would get the biggest portion and take some home to eat. Now, 8 ounces seemed unfathomable.

I cut the steak into small bites and ate slowly. It went down easy…so much easier than chicken ever does. And, OMG, it was sooooooooooooooo good! It was the first meal since surgery that I loved. I dipped my pieces into my mashed potatoes and I ate slowly - but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stuff my face in fact. I paced myself and put down my fork between most bites. I ate about 2 ounces and called it quits. Physically I was full; psychologically I wasn’t at all. I wanted more and more and more.

I realized this is what will make or break me ultimately. I have to learn control. I have to learn that I cannot eat until I feel gorged. I have to stop eating when I feel full. The fullness has to be physical because it surely isn’t mental. Mentally, I wanted more. I don’t know why, but it just didn’t feel right to stop. I did though. Scott praised me because he knows how hard it was for me. Stopping went against everything in me – against all my patterns that I have while eating there.

I got a to-go box, he paid the bill and we didn’t linger. We slid out of the booth and left. I walked past the plastic dessert replicas. I saw my favorite one represented there. I told myself dessert had been my Judas and I walked out. I got that from my support group leader Kimberly. I had always thought of it as my betrayer but her calling it Judas hit the nail on the head.

When I left, I felt happy and sad. I was so very happy that I am at a point in my recovery where I can eat there again. I felt sad because it’s true – life as I knew it before surgery has changed forever. While that’s a good thing, there’s still mourning that must happen in this journey. For me, I am now able to return to most normalcies. However, I am learning that normal is no longer normal. IT might look the same – but it has changed. What’s that saying – “You can’t go home again”?

I still plan to take a positive approach to it. I told Scott that tonight we started a new tradition. It’s the beginning of our new lives. I love new beginnings, so I see it is a good thing. Saying goodbye to who you were is hard, but it can be liberating too. I am no longer a slave to food. Sometimes I find myself missing being a slave, but that is sick thinking and I am recovering from it day by day.

When I came home, I took Katie for a walk around the neighborhood. It felt good to exercise and feel in control of myself. Recovery is hard and so is accepting the good stuff in life. However, I wouldn’t trade all of this that’s happened to me in the past four months for the world. I am growing and learning and improving – how exciting is that?

Thank You God for this pivotal day. Please continue to bless me, and please bless everyone on this journey of self-discovery and healing.