Post-Op Day 144 - Lots going on
I know, I know..it’s been forever since I wrote! I’ve just been trucking right along in my journey. Time passes by so quickly. I remember how those first six weeks dragged when I was on liquids. For pre-ops and new post-ops, just remember: It does get easier – MUCH easier!
I am loving life as always. I make it a point to cherish every day I am blessed with. Sure, I’ve had some stress but I try to not let it control me. I always keep in mind: That which you try to control, controls you instead.
***
How ironic I wrote the above about two weeks ago. Since then, my life has been thrown into another tizzy and, more than ever, I am in an inner struggle with trying to not let stress control me.
Gosh – where do I even begin? I am just so overwhelmed.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk. Suddenly, my vision got weird and I saw black spots. It last for like 10 minutes. It was so bizarre. Even more bizarre was that an hour later, my right arm went numb for no reason – like it fell asleep. Along with it, the right side of my upper lip did too. This lasted for about 10 minutes as well. After that, a dull headache set in.
I went to see my doctor, and she said it could be the symptoms of a migraine. However, she wanted me to get an MRI of my brain just to rule out tumors or an aneurysm. Needless to say this scared me.
The results were that my brain was “unremarkable” – which in this case is a good thing. HOWEVER, in the scan they noted a tumor on my neck in the parotid (salivary) gland. I needed to get another MRI but this time of the neck. Of course, I didn’t know that they were looking at tumor at the time. The nurse I don’t care for at my doctor’s office told me I had an abnormally large parathyroid. Part of me is glad that she is clueless and that I had no idea it was a tumor before going for my second MRI. I know I would have just been more freaked than I was.
On Thursday, the day after my neck MRI, the nurse called with a cryptic message. She told me the results were in and my doctor wanted to talk to me the next morning about the findings before sending me to a specialist. This news of course freaked me out, as I knew I would have fretted and fretted all night long. So I basically demanded that they see me then. So I rushed over there and sat in the room for an HOUR panicked beyond belief. I sat and wrote three pages in my notebook of how terrified I was at that moment. It was horrible.
My doctor finally came in and told me that I had a 3cm tumor under my right ear with some enlarged lymph nodes around it. I said I had never felt it. She felt in the area and found it right away. I then felt it, and sure enough – it’s there. It’s so frightening to know that you can just have something growing on you and you have no clue whatsoever.
The radiologist’s report was fairly negative, saying malignancy should not be ruled out and he gave four cancers to investigate. He said the chances of it being benign with some swollen lymph nodes was a possibility but probably not likely. She said we could speculate all day on if it is cancer or not, but she just wanted to get things moving and was sending me to an ear, nose and throat specialist. She knew I was scared and she said she would be too.
I was in shock and panic and fear and all the other horrible emotions that come with it. I took the report home and dissected it using the Internet. It seriously read negative. I was overcome by darkness. It’s terrible how your life can go from lightness to darkness in an instant.
I didn’t have a breakdown until the following morning (Friday) when I was alone in the house. I cried and cried and cried. I sat in my bathtub just sobbing. I love my life so much. I really do. I cherish every second of it. The thought of something bad happening devastated me.
I had to go get some bloodwork done. They are checking my platelets. I am soooo terrified as to what the results will be. PLEASE GOD let them be normal!! I am so scared to hear the results.
I then went to see the surgeon. My wonderful and supportive friend Joanne went with me. Bless her. He was a wonderful man who really worked to calm my nerves. I will share here the letter I sent to my coworkers…
OK Everyone...
First of all, thank you for your prayers and waves of positive energy! I am a firm believer in all that and hold tight to it, so I felt your energy through all of this.
I am back from the surgeon...although he couldn't say 100 percent, he repeatedly said he believes it is a benign tumor. He said surprises can happen and it could be cancer, but he seemed confident it was benign - even from when he first felt it. He repeated it when he reviewed my MRIs - pointing out characteristics that are consistent with this particular type of benign tumor.
He says it has probably been there for a while, and while it's good size - it's not the biggest he's seen.
I asked him about all the scary stuff in the radiologist's report. He said doctors like to state their opinion, that’s why they're doctors. However, he said in dealing with this kind of stuff, someone who sees this stuff all the time knows more. All in all, he acted as if I was a fairly routine case.
With that said, he did tell me that the tumor needs to be removed because it is above and below my facial nerve. Yes I know - more surgery for me! The surgery is going to be quite involved and tricky with two surgeons. It can last three to four hours.
The severe downside is that there is a possibility of paralysis on the right side of my face if the facial nerves are damaged during the surgery. It could cause a permanent droopy mouth on the right side. Yes, this scares me because I think everyone knows how much I love to smile.
However, the surgeons he recommended me to do this every day. They are with Baylor in the Med Center. I have an appointment with them next Thursday.
If this surgery is the worst part of it, I am totally ok with it. I am not complaining about that. I will take anything positive I can get.
All in all, I am cautiously optimistic. I feel like once I awake from surgery, they will know what it is one way or another. If it's cancer, it will be removed from my body already and I can tackle it from there. If it's not, there will be no linger issues, he said. It will be taken care of from that procedure.
The severity of the surgery is scary and, gosh knows, I am about surgeried out. BUT, I take this over bad news any old day!
Whew!! I want to thank you all for your love and support. As I told my team, I count on my circle of family and friends to give me strength. Each one of you is very special to me, and I am beyond blessed. I hope I can return the love and support tenfold to each of you!
Now I am going to nap and enjoy my weekend. Life's too short for us all not to do that, right?
***
I felt this optimism all weekend as I went out both nights and had fantastic times. It wasn’t until my night was ending Saturday night that the scariness of it all hit me again.
All day yesterday I felt such a feeling of doom. The world felt dark again. I am just so tired and confused. I feel like my life is a total mess – because of this and because of my own doing. I can’t get a grasp on anything.
This morning, I have that same negative feeling. I am sure on some level I am battling depression. My natural instinct is to be happy and exuberant. However, the heaviness of all this is pushing me down into depression.
I feel like God is angry at me in some ways, but in most other ways I feel like He is right here on my side through it all. I know He will never forsake me – but sometimes I can’t imagine why He wouldn’t. I keep thinking of a lyric in my favorite Rich Mullins song “Nothing is Beyond You” – “Even if I made my bed in hell, still there You would find me.” How powerful is that? I feel so undeserving, so it amazes me how God thinks I am, you know?
If you’ve never heard the song, you need to. It is so Divinely inspired. I will put the lyrics here:
NOTHING IS BEYOND YOU
Where could I go, where could I run
Even if I found the strength to fly
And if I rose on the wings of the dawn
And crashed through the corner of the sky
If I sailed past the edge of the sea
Even if I made my bed in Hell
Still there You would find me
'Cause nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety
The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
Death has lost its sting
And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
If I should shrink back from the light
So I can sink into the dark
If I take cover and I close my eyes
Even then You would see my heart
And You'd cut through all my pain and rage
The darkness is not dark to You
And night's as bright as day
Nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety
The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
And time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
And death has lost its sting
And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
***
I am trying to focus on me and my weight-loss journey through it all. Normally I would be stuffing my face. Now, I find myself not eating or drinking enough unless I consciously force it. I cannot neglect myself. I don’t know why my tendency is to do it, but that’s how it is. So, I am trying to put myself first and just do it.
I do get excited about my losses – and I do not regret this surgery in any way. What a blessing it has been in my life. I share my enthusiasm for it everywhere I go. Even when I was out Saturday night, I shared my story with another beautiful full-figured lady. She is totally interested. I just know how much it can improve a life and take away so much hurt, sadness, embarrassment and frustration. It’s just so empowering to finally conquer something that beats you down every second of your life.
I also started a bypass support group at work. It was amazing. We met on for the first time on Thursday just before all my bad news. I was so pumped from it. We had a woman who is curious about the surgery; my coworker who is awaiting approval; a new post-op who is doing great; another coworker who is a month behind me and doing awesome; and a post-op who is one year out and doing incredible. She really gave us a vision and hope! It was an open group with lots of sharing and caring. I am so excited about it!
The heaviness of the other situation is pissing me off because I think it is taking away from my excitement that I am 14 pounds away from hitting my 100-pounds gone mark. When I stop to think of that, I am floored. That’s right: I am at 238, which means that I am -86 pounds!! Praise God for that blessing! I haven’t been in the 230s in at least 10 years. I am also firmly in 18-20s. I can’t believe it sometimes.WOW. I also keep thinking that I am less than 40 pounds from being in the 100s – a place I haven’t been in since high school. I think by the end of the year, I will be in One-derland.
It’s also been great as people continue to compliment me and I freak out people who haven’t seen me in a few months. It’s such a wonderful thing – I can’t even explain it. The victories just keep rolling in.
This year has been one filled with so much happiness and yet so many fears. I am just mentally exhausted and I feel physically exhausted too. I just want to hide in the corner sometimes. However, I know I have to keep pressing forward. I can’t give up. As Gene Kranz said during the Apollo 13 incident: Failure is not an option.
***
Finally, I just wanted to say that before all this happened, I had the pleasure of meeting my gastric bypass “twin” – Diana. We had our surgeries on the same day and she lives here in town. She had been reading my journal for a while and wrote me about a month ago.
We were able to meet for dinner one night and hit is off instantly. She is such a precious woman who is having amazing results with her surgery too. She’s already down 100+ pounds and she looks FANTASTIC! We’ve also gotten to go out dancing together and go shopping. It’s so nice to meet someone who totally understands where I am at. I am so blessed to have met her.
***
Ok I am so glad I finally got all this written. It’s been nagging at me that I hadn’t updated. I guess things have been hitting me so fast and furious, the thought of writing it all down was overwhelming me. So…now it’s done.
I have to get ready for work and face this day. I know being with everyone will perk up my day. I am so blessed to have the most amazing team and boss ever.
Please say a prayer for Scott and me. I feel for Scott having to go through all this and not being able to do anything but stand back and watch it unfold. He stays positive and upbeat, and for that I am thankful. He is a very good man.
God please bless everyone on this weight-loss journey, and please bless all those who are scared and hurting in the world. Please let this tumor be benign and that the surgery will not cause damage to my face or any other part of my body. Thank You for my many, many blessings, and thank You for loving me as-is.
I am loving life as always. I make it a point to cherish every day I am blessed with. Sure, I’ve had some stress but I try to not let it control me. I always keep in mind: That which you try to control, controls you instead.
***
How ironic I wrote the above about two weeks ago. Since then, my life has been thrown into another tizzy and, more than ever, I am in an inner struggle with trying to not let stress control me.
Gosh – where do I even begin? I am just so overwhelmed.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting at my desk. Suddenly, my vision got weird and I saw black spots. It last for like 10 minutes. It was so bizarre. Even more bizarre was that an hour later, my right arm went numb for no reason – like it fell asleep. Along with it, the right side of my upper lip did too. This lasted for about 10 minutes as well. After that, a dull headache set in.
I went to see my doctor, and she said it could be the symptoms of a migraine. However, she wanted me to get an MRI of my brain just to rule out tumors or an aneurysm. Needless to say this scared me.
The results were that my brain was “unremarkable” – which in this case is a good thing. HOWEVER, in the scan they noted a tumor on my neck in the parotid (salivary) gland. I needed to get another MRI but this time of the neck. Of course, I didn’t know that they were looking at tumor at the time. The nurse I don’t care for at my doctor’s office told me I had an abnormally large parathyroid. Part of me is glad that she is clueless and that I had no idea it was a tumor before going for my second MRI. I know I would have just been more freaked than I was.
On Thursday, the day after my neck MRI, the nurse called with a cryptic message. She told me the results were in and my doctor wanted to talk to me the next morning about the findings before sending me to a specialist. This news of course freaked me out, as I knew I would have fretted and fretted all night long. So I basically demanded that they see me then. So I rushed over there and sat in the room for an HOUR panicked beyond belief. I sat and wrote three pages in my notebook of how terrified I was at that moment. It was horrible.
My doctor finally came in and told me that I had a 3cm tumor under my right ear with some enlarged lymph nodes around it. I said I had never felt it. She felt in the area and found it right away. I then felt it, and sure enough – it’s there. It’s so frightening to know that you can just have something growing on you and you have no clue whatsoever.
The radiologist’s report was fairly negative, saying malignancy should not be ruled out and he gave four cancers to investigate. He said the chances of it being benign with some swollen lymph nodes was a possibility but probably not likely. She said we could speculate all day on if it is cancer or not, but she just wanted to get things moving and was sending me to an ear, nose and throat specialist. She knew I was scared and she said she would be too.
I was in shock and panic and fear and all the other horrible emotions that come with it. I took the report home and dissected it using the Internet. It seriously read negative. I was overcome by darkness. It’s terrible how your life can go from lightness to darkness in an instant.
I didn’t have a breakdown until the following morning (Friday) when I was alone in the house. I cried and cried and cried. I sat in my bathtub just sobbing. I love my life so much. I really do. I cherish every second of it. The thought of something bad happening devastated me.
I had to go get some bloodwork done. They are checking my platelets. I am soooo terrified as to what the results will be. PLEASE GOD let them be normal!! I am so scared to hear the results.
I then went to see the surgeon. My wonderful and supportive friend Joanne went with me. Bless her. He was a wonderful man who really worked to calm my nerves. I will share here the letter I sent to my coworkers…
OK Everyone...
First of all, thank you for your prayers and waves of positive energy! I am a firm believer in all that and hold tight to it, so I felt your energy through all of this.
I am back from the surgeon...although he couldn't say 100 percent, he repeatedly said he believes it is a benign tumor. He said surprises can happen and it could be cancer, but he seemed confident it was benign - even from when he first felt it. He repeated it when he reviewed my MRIs - pointing out characteristics that are consistent with this particular type of benign tumor.
He says it has probably been there for a while, and while it's good size - it's not the biggest he's seen.
I asked him about all the scary stuff in the radiologist's report. He said doctors like to state their opinion, that’s why they're doctors. However, he said in dealing with this kind of stuff, someone who sees this stuff all the time knows more. All in all, he acted as if I was a fairly routine case.
With that said, he did tell me that the tumor needs to be removed because it is above and below my facial nerve. Yes I know - more surgery for me! The surgery is going to be quite involved and tricky with two surgeons. It can last three to four hours.
The severe downside is that there is a possibility of paralysis on the right side of my face if the facial nerves are damaged during the surgery. It could cause a permanent droopy mouth on the right side. Yes, this scares me because I think everyone knows how much I love to smile.
However, the surgeons he recommended me to do this every day. They are with Baylor in the Med Center. I have an appointment with them next Thursday.
If this surgery is the worst part of it, I am totally ok with it. I am not complaining about that. I will take anything positive I can get.
All in all, I am cautiously optimistic. I feel like once I awake from surgery, they will know what it is one way or another. If it's cancer, it will be removed from my body already and I can tackle it from there. If it's not, there will be no linger issues, he said. It will be taken care of from that procedure.
The severity of the surgery is scary and, gosh knows, I am about surgeried out. BUT, I take this over bad news any old day!
Whew!! I want to thank you all for your love and support. As I told my team, I count on my circle of family and friends to give me strength. Each one of you is very special to me, and I am beyond blessed. I hope I can return the love and support tenfold to each of you!
Now I am going to nap and enjoy my weekend. Life's too short for us all not to do that, right?
***
I felt this optimism all weekend as I went out both nights and had fantastic times. It wasn’t until my night was ending Saturday night that the scariness of it all hit me again.
All day yesterday I felt such a feeling of doom. The world felt dark again. I am just so tired and confused. I feel like my life is a total mess – because of this and because of my own doing. I can’t get a grasp on anything.
This morning, I have that same negative feeling. I am sure on some level I am battling depression. My natural instinct is to be happy and exuberant. However, the heaviness of all this is pushing me down into depression.
I feel like God is angry at me in some ways, but in most other ways I feel like He is right here on my side through it all. I know He will never forsake me – but sometimes I can’t imagine why He wouldn’t. I keep thinking of a lyric in my favorite Rich Mullins song “Nothing is Beyond You” – “Even if I made my bed in hell, still there You would find me.” How powerful is that? I feel so undeserving, so it amazes me how God thinks I am, you know?
If you’ve never heard the song, you need to. It is so Divinely inspired. I will put the lyrics here:
NOTHING IS BEYOND YOU
Where could I go, where could I run
Even if I found the strength to fly
And if I rose on the wings of the dawn
And crashed through the corner of the sky
If I sailed past the edge of the sea
Even if I made my bed in Hell
Still there You would find me
'Cause nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety
The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
Death has lost its sting
And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
If I should shrink back from the light
So I can sink into the dark
If I take cover and I close my eyes
Even then You would see my heart
And You'd cut through all my pain and rage
The darkness is not dark to You
And night's as bright as day
Nothing is beyond You
You stand beyond the reach
Of our vain imaginations
Our misguided piety
The heavens stretch to hold You
And deep cries out to deep
Singing that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
And time cannot contain You
You fill eternity
Sin can never stain You
And death has lost its sting
And I cannot explain the way You came to love me
Except to say that nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
Nothing is beyond You
***
I am trying to focus on me and my weight-loss journey through it all. Normally I would be stuffing my face. Now, I find myself not eating or drinking enough unless I consciously force it. I cannot neglect myself. I don’t know why my tendency is to do it, but that’s how it is. So, I am trying to put myself first and just do it.
I do get excited about my losses – and I do not regret this surgery in any way. What a blessing it has been in my life. I share my enthusiasm for it everywhere I go. Even when I was out Saturday night, I shared my story with another beautiful full-figured lady. She is totally interested. I just know how much it can improve a life and take away so much hurt, sadness, embarrassment and frustration. It’s just so empowering to finally conquer something that beats you down every second of your life.
I also started a bypass support group at work. It was amazing. We met on for the first time on Thursday just before all my bad news. I was so pumped from it. We had a woman who is curious about the surgery; my coworker who is awaiting approval; a new post-op who is doing great; another coworker who is a month behind me and doing awesome; and a post-op who is one year out and doing incredible. She really gave us a vision and hope! It was an open group with lots of sharing and caring. I am so excited about it!
The heaviness of the other situation is pissing me off because I think it is taking away from my excitement that I am 14 pounds away from hitting my 100-pounds gone mark. When I stop to think of that, I am floored. That’s right: I am at 238, which means that I am -86 pounds!! Praise God for that blessing! I haven’t been in the 230s in at least 10 years. I am also firmly in 18-20s. I can’t believe it sometimes.WOW. I also keep thinking that I am less than 40 pounds from being in the 100s – a place I haven’t been in since high school. I think by the end of the year, I will be in One-derland.
It’s also been great as people continue to compliment me and I freak out people who haven’t seen me in a few months. It’s such a wonderful thing – I can’t even explain it. The victories just keep rolling in.
This year has been one filled with so much happiness and yet so many fears. I am just mentally exhausted and I feel physically exhausted too. I just want to hide in the corner sometimes. However, I know I have to keep pressing forward. I can’t give up. As Gene Kranz said during the Apollo 13 incident: Failure is not an option.
***
Finally, I just wanted to say that before all this happened, I had the pleasure of meeting my gastric bypass “twin” – Diana. We had our surgeries on the same day and she lives here in town. She had been reading my journal for a while and wrote me about a month ago.
We were able to meet for dinner one night and hit is off instantly. She is such a precious woman who is having amazing results with her surgery too. She’s already down 100+ pounds and she looks FANTASTIC! We’ve also gotten to go out dancing together and go shopping. It’s so nice to meet someone who totally understands where I am at. I am so blessed to have met her.
***
Ok I am so glad I finally got all this written. It’s been nagging at me that I hadn’t updated. I guess things have been hitting me so fast and furious, the thought of writing it all down was overwhelming me. So…now it’s done.
I have to get ready for work and face this day. I know being with everyone will perk up my day. I am so blessed to have the most amazing team and boss ever.
Please say a prayer for Scott and me. I feel for Scott having to go through all this and not being able to do anything but stand back and watch it unfold. He stays positive and upbeat, and for that I am thankful. He is a very good man.
God please bless everyone on this weight-loss journey, and please bless all those who are scared and hurting in the world. Please let this tumor be benign and that the surgery will not cause damage to my face or any other part of my body. Thank You for my many, many blessings, and thank You for loving me as-is.
posted by Melissa :-) @ 3:13 AM
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