Post-Op Day 285: Been away too long

Wow - I can't believe it's been 10 days since I've updated.

I've kinda just felt lost and blah lately. I go through these cycles with my ADD. I hate it. I kinda shut down when I feel stressed - and I really have felt it lately. I just feel stressed personally, and last week at work was really tough.

My team had a big moving project to make happen. Add a few other things on top of that and I just felt like I was gonna explode. ugh. Even one of my employees told me I haven't been the same lately. She said I just seem stressed and not as fun. I hate that my internal turmoil boiled over where others can see it. I am working on ensuring my attitude is improved by tomorrow.

This long Columbus Day weekend is helping me chill out. Scott went to see his parents Friday through Sunday. While he was gone, I ran some errands, went to my friend Donna's baby's first birthday party and I went out both Friday and Saturday. Sunday, I chilled around the house waiting for him to get home. I watched the Astros marathon 5-plus hour win. It was exciting. It was also exciting when Scott arrived.

Today I am being a domestic goddess while Scott's at work. I went and did some grocery shopping. I bought food to cook (I rarely cook real meals). I am doing laundry and cleaning. Basically, I am enjoying being a wife. :-)

EATING WOES
My eating has been lousy again. It's so hard to stay away from the carbs - especially when they are below my 12-gram sugar limit. Even with that, I've been pushing it. I ate half of a cupcake Saturday over time. But on Sunday, I woke up and just downed the second half. Part of me wanted to make myself dump just to prove that I do dump. I didn't. I had some stomach cramps, but nothing like what I read about.

I am scared that my body won't dump on sugar and eventually the sugar cravings will take over - and I will be able to eat all the sugar I want. Those of us who have been or still are obese know that we don't need most of what we want or crave. The thought of dumping and getting sick is the best thing this surgery does for a person - well that and limiting how much you can eat in general.

To think I might not have the dumping capability is scary. I don't want the door to sugar opened back up. So, here's hoping I dump soon. lol That sounds weird, doesn't it?

Anyway, despite my crappy food selections, the scale still slowly moves for me. Today I weighed in at 197. I can't freakin' believe it! I am down 127 pounds! Man - God is so good.

SHOPPING IS FUN
On Saturday morning, I went to Kohls. I tried on tons of clothes but only bought one top. It is so nice to pick up normal-size clothes and put them on. Sure, I still look fat and flabby naked - but wearing clothes that aren't plus-size makes up for that. The top I bought was a Large from the JUNIORS section. That was my first juniors purchase. Now granted, it was a skin-tight hoochie top, just to get anything from that side was incredible.

I am finding that I am now fitting mostly in just size Large tops instead of Extra-Large. I am kinda in the middle. It is such an amazing feeling to just fit right in with the world, you know? I still cannot wait to see how I fit into an airplane seat. That's a biggie for me.

As far as clothes, at times I SO badly want to go on a shopping spree and buy hundreds of dollars worth of size L and XL clothes. I am wearing the same few things over and over. haha But, I don't want to invest in a bunch of clothes and (hopefully) shrink out of them.

I've decided I want a $5,000 gift certificate to SteinMart when I am at my goal size. haha Seriously though, I hadn't been in a SteinMart for years and, even when I did go into one, I was plus-size. OMG the clothes there are AMAZING! They are so diva-ish! I love them so much! Even the non-designer clothes are just so cute! On top of all that, their housewares, purses and accessories are to die for!

I had three victories while in there too:

1. If I wanted, I could have bought the designer clothes because I finally FIT in them. Sure, I have to get the 16s, but last year at this time I never would have dreamed I could do that.

2. They had these ADORABLE novelty Halloween tops with glitter and faux jewels on them that just went to a size Large. Last year at this time, I would have seen them and longed to be able to fit inside of one of those shirts. On Saturday, I put one on with ease and I felt like a million dollars! I am going back to buy it on payday just because it is such a victory top!

3. They had some really flashy link belts that caught my eye. I never try on belts because I have never wanted to embarrass myself in public. This time, I decided to try it on. IT FIT! Not only did it go around me, it fit like it was suppose to! I couldn't believe it. I thought it was a fluke, so I tried on another. It fit too. It was a little snugger, but I got it to the second notch. It's the small things like this that make ALL the difference in the world.

Anyway, that was my little shopping escapade. Sometimes I want to go wild and just buy things cuz I can, you know? But, I simply can't. Still, it's so nice knowing I could if I wanted to and had the money.

***
Well, that's it for now. I need to get back to cleaning. I am hoping this week is a lot better for me stress-wise and eating-wise. I am really working on getting it all in gear.

God - please bless all of us on the crazy, topsy-turvy journey. :-)