Post-Op Day 61 - Victories!

Where did February go? I’ve only had a few entries. Life is just zooming by! I was down another half-pound this morning. I am now at 46.5 pounds gone forever! Woo hoo! I am 3.5 pounds away from my March 11th birthday goal of 50!

Today my tailbone hurts but it is getting better I think (knock on wood)! I was able to sit at my desk all day, which was good. I am soooo glad I am not suffering like I did when I had this last time! I want it completely gone so that I can get back to the Y. I am so very eager to get a bulk of this weight off so I can start some dance classes. There’s so much I want to do when I get smaller. And yes, I love typing that: “WHEN I get smaller!”

I wanted to note that today is the four-year anniversary that I picked up my life and left my home in Indiana for good. On this date, I drove half-way to Texas before stopping in Jackson, Mississippi. I had no idea that night how wonderful my life would turn out. I was in the in-between. I had said goodbye to home, but I had yet to meet my true future.

How brave I was! How trusting I was too. I am now in that in-between again, and I realize that I once more need to be brave and trusting…it’s all unfolding as it should be. :-) I pray God keeps blessing my journey!

Tomorrow is my two-month anniversary of the surgery. WOW – two months! I am so thankful it has all gone so well. I know it is a blessing and I never ever want to take it for granted. So many wonderful things have happened to me already. I try to keep a victory journal so I can track some of those wonderful things. In closing, I thought I would share some here tonight:

Victories

1.Don’t feel as bloated (almost immediately after surgery)
2.My back doesn’t hurt as much when I walk (almost immediately after surgery)
3.My foot doesn’t hurt as much when I walk (almost immediately after surgery)
4.I’m finally in the single digits in the 300s – no more 320s and 310s! (It’s a start!) 1/8/05
5.I don’t look so bloated in my work clothes (1/10/04)
6.I CAN WEIGH ON MY OLD SCALE AGAIN!!! (1/13/05)
7.I hit 20 pounds gone!!! (1/14/05)
8.I am walking with little-to-no pain in my feet and back! (1/16/05)
9.I hit 25 pounds gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay for me! (1/17/05)
10.I hit 299 – I am FINALLY under 300! Thank you God! (1/17/05)
11.I just realized that I am lighter than my wedding weight! (1/20/05)
12.My double chin is going away and my old face shape is coming back! (1/20/05)
13.My orange t-shirt is almost baggy! (1/20/05)
14.My top fat roll is almost gone! (1/20/05)
15.I am not missing food as much as I was (1/20/05)
16.I seem to have more room on my lap for Katie to sit on (1/21/05)
17.I didn’t look as hideous sitting down when I saw my reflection in the window out back (1/21/05)
18.My eyes, hair, smile and face in general seems brighter (1/21/05)
19.My size 30/32 blouse is definitely too big for me now! (1/21/05)
20.I seem to be fitting better in doctor’s office chairs (1/21/05)
21.Tammy Smith (who hadn’t seen me since surgery) commented on how great I look and how the surgery was really working for me (2/1/05)
22.I surpassed what would be my 10 percent goal if I was still doing Weight Watchers!!!! (2/1/05)
23.I notice I have more energy as I walk (2/2/05)
24.I finally noticed the difference in my body in the full-length mirror at sherlocks (2/2/05)
25.Sean could tell a difference in me and was wowed and told everyone in graphics! (2/2/05)
26.Yay I am out of the 290s! Goodbye! Farewell! (2/3/05)
27.I wore another shirt today that I hadn’t been able to wear in over a year! (2/4/05)
28.I caught my reflection and actually wasn’t disgusted by the image walking beside me…I was
encouraged! (2/4/05)
29.Dr. Naaman cleared me for exercise! Woo hoo!!! (2/4/05)
30.I experimented with my first real solid food – tuna fish and mayo! It did fine! (2/4/05)
31.Scott said it looks like I have more boobage (which means my belly is going down! Haha)
(2/4/05)
32.Today I am down 36.5 pounds – which means I surpassed my previous weigh-loss high of -36.3!!! (2/5/05)
33.Norma noticed the change in me! (2/5/05)
34.I looked slimmer when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror at Coach’s! (2/5/05)
35.I am wearing a shirt and pants I haven’t worn in over a year – and it looks really good! (2/7/05)
36.Deborah came into my office and told me she could see a big difference. (2/7/05)
37.Joanne was walking behind me and told me she could see a big difference too! (2/7/05)
38.I crossed my legs more easily. (2/7/05)
39.It’s been 40 days since surgery – my how time flies! (2/7/05)
40.I made it to my six-week anniversary – I can eat soft foods!!!! (2/9/05)
41.I HIT 40 POUNDS gone!!! Yayayayayayay! (2/9/05)
42.I went to the Y for the first time! It felt great to be back! Yay for me! (2/12/05)
43.The couch felt bigger today when I sat on it! (2/13/05)
44.Three people commented on how small my butt is looking – right! Hahah (2/18/04)
45.I hit 45 POUNDS gone AND I am out of the 280s now! Goodbye 320s, 310s, 300s, 290s and 280s! Woo hoo! (2/26/05)
46.I hit my 60-day mark! What a wonderful journey! (2/27/05)
47.Johannes again said I am withering away…he said (in a nice way) that I am not nearly as wide as I was. Haha He said I am getting narrower and narrower. Haha (2/28/05)
48. I wore a pair of pants I hadn’t worn since Summer 2003. Woo hoo! (2/28/05)
49.When I got home from walking tonight, I realized that my workout clothes and jacket are looking bigger and bigger on me. (2/28/05)

Post-Op Day 60 - Time flies when your life is changing!

Wow…once you get out of the liquids stage, time sure does fly by! I cannot believe 60 DAYS have passed since I was reborn!

PLATEAU =UGH!

I’ve been struggling this month to lose the pounds. The plateaus can really play tricks on your mind. In fact, I struggled so much I found myself losing touch with the surgery.

What does that mean exactly? With the scale not moving and life kicked back into high gear, I guess the initial excitement of the surgery’s potential sorta fell to the wayside. It felt like that’s all there was, you know? I’ve never lost this much weight but, in the past, I always gained back everything I’ve ever lost. I guess it’s hard to get out of that mindset and realize the scale is going to keep moving.

Don’t get me wrong – I remembered I needed to drink as much water as possible and work on getting in the protein (something I struggle with daily). I didn’t eat sugar and I tried to make the wisest choices for me. It’s just that the magic of the surgery’s promise to take off the weight was missing. I was going through the motions and that’s about it.

I do have to say that I was, and still am, loving the fact that food is not so prevalent in my life. I no longer am sad I can’t eat like others. I’ve truly enjoyed the emotional detachment I’ve had from food. I don’t feel a slave to it – thank God! Sure, sometimes I wish I could have a goodie or something way off program. But, those feelings quickly pass. There’s just so much I CAN finally eat that I am enjoying it. I pretty much try what I want – but I never step too far outside the boundaries.

It wasn’t until the scale started moving for real the past few days and I’ve left the 280s finally for the 270s that I am starting to feel truly excited again. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I will get smaller. Right now I am wearing clothes I was wearing a year-and-a-half ago – so I am starting to just feel like me again. I am out of my 30s, 28s and 26s – and looking pretty good in my 22/24 sizes.

I have no idea what it will be like when I get into clothing sizes I haven’t worn in 10 years! I think then the excitement will overwhelm me. Right now I just feel like I am on the edge something really life-altering. I can’t see or have no point of reference, but the adrenaline is starting to pump more.

Hell, it’s been exciting hearing all the great comments from people about how my mid-section is shrinking, how my face looks different, how my behind is getting smaller. They are going to freak when I tread into new territory. I AM going to freak too! Haha

NEARING A GOAL!!!!

As of today, I am 4 pounds away from my first major goal of 50 pounds gone by my birthday – March 11. I sure hope I can hit it by then! How exciting is that?? What’s cool is that Scott is still losing weight too! He is down to 196 today; his starting weight was 211. I am so proud of him! We’re going to be the ‘too hot to handle’ couple. Oh wait - we already are! ;-) hehe

A TRUE PAIN IN THE A$$

This weekend has been the worst since my surgery – and it has nothing to do with my surgery! Ever since Thursday, I have been in terrible pain with my tailbone (coccyx). It was at its worst on Friday – so much that I had to stay home. This is not the first time I’ve dealt with this in my life. Last time I developed this pain was in the summer of 2003. I was off work for a month. Needless to say, this episode has me mega-stressed. I cannot afford being off work that long. Plus, being a supervisor now, I just need to be there. Plain and simple.

After going to my PCP, a chiropractor, therapy and a neurosurgeon, what I learned last time from a pain management doctor is that there's no real reason why the pain develops in the coccyx and there's no real reason why it goes away just one day. For me - it was a month of pain and then one day it was gone.

What I do remember is that last time it happened, I had lost some weight and I think I was right around this range. Eventually, when it went away, I went on to lose some more weight before gaining it all back and then some. I am wondering if my coccyx suddenly is vulnerable when I get to a certain size? Anyway – who knows?

UGH...I am miserable. All day on Friday I was crying out in pain just when I turned in bed. It would take me three minutes of pure pain to get in and out of bed or to get out of my chair. It's horrible. There's no comfortable position when it hurts like that. Just total misery.

LUCKILY it seems to be somewhat better. I do cry out in pain some still, but yesterday and today have been much better than Friday. I pray that this will all go away soon. I do know that when I get to feeling better, I won’t take the ability to walk, move and exercise pain-free for granted. This has been a terrible reminder that life has been pretty good for me and I need to make the most of it.

IN CLOSING
This week will mark my official two-month anniversary. Wow…at least 46 pounds gone in that time. I know the scale has been slow-moving, but even I cannot deny that those numbers are amazing. I am so excited to have this opportunity and I look forward to all the neat-o things that it will bring. Sure, it’s not the easiest thing in the world – but it sure is better than the alternative I was living.

THANK YOU GOD for all your many blessings. Please heal my body and please keep me on the healthy path with my surgery. Please bless everyone on this journey as well, no matter where they stand at the moment.

Post-Op Day 46 - An addendum: Getting back on top of my ADD

I’ve been really struggling with my ADD lately. Since I no longer take medication for my ADD, I have to stay on top of life or I get behind very easily.

For the past six weeks, I haven't been able to clean like I wanted, so the house is in need of a good scrubbing. Plus, I need to pay bills since we got paid Friday. The mail is piled high and needs sorting. I also need to develop a new schedule for myself since I have different needs now. With my ADD, all this adds up to be totally overwhelmed.

I manage my ADD best when I am on top of cleaning, bills and mail, while maintaining a schedule. I've felt lost this entire six weeks. Once I get behind, I feel very frustrated and don’t even know where to begin to get back on track. So, I find myself avoiding it all – which, in turn, makes it worse.

Today I am working to get on top of life. For instance, I was behind on this journal...so I am getting caught up. I also got another thing checked off the list when I posted in my support group. I've been very disconnected with them - so that was good for me. After I write in my journal, I am going to pull up my schedules and start restructuring things on paper. I have to put it all on paper - it's a visual for me and helps give me a map in the mornings and at night.

When I am really good with my ADD, I use a timer in the morning. The ticking gives me a sense of urgency – thus prompting me to hurry up and get ready. Otherwise, I sit here at the computer and lose track of time.

ADD can be very disabling if it isn't managed. When I do well in life, it's the times I have myself focused. That means I am following to-do lists, using the timer, having everything ready to go the night before, etc. Right now I am struggling.

When I am really, really good - I have my clothes picked out for the week, a towel for every day with a pair of panties with it so I can just grab and go - right now, I am just lost. I run around the house like a crazy woman trying on outfit after outfit - clothes everywhere.

With the surgery, I have to do things differently now. I have to focus on me totally. Before, I could neglect myself and not pay as much of a price. Now, it means I need to plan out my life differently to avoid excess stress and to ensure I meet my needs of rest, exercise and proper eating.

Anyway, I am on the ball today. I’m getting things done and I am feeling better just getting the wheels moving. It’s all about balance. I am finding mine now.

Post-Op Day 46 - Back to normalcy!

I made it back to a form of normalcy! After six difficult weeks, I was finally able to eat soft/pureed foods on Wednesday. And, believe it or not, it was anti-climatic. haha

Since I remembered I could experiment, I had already put some food back into my mouth. The reality is, though, I find myself afraid to eat. I am also finding it very hard to get in enough food - especially protein. But - that's ok - I can manage! :-)

I hadn't been posting in my online support group either - I've been bad. So, to save me from typing it twice, I will just post here the update I gave them:

Hey Gang!

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry I've been so quiet! (or has
that been a good thing? haha)

Before having the surgery, my life was go, go, go. For a morbidly-
obese person, I sure hustled my big tushie a lot. After the surgery,
it brought my busy life to a screeching halt. Well, I've finally
started to get some energy, so I am back at it - and trying to make
up for lost time.

I am doing pretty good. My weight loss hasn't been as rapid as some
(41 pounds in 46 days), but for me it's pretty dang good. Everyone is
finally starting to see a difference in me. I am still stuck in my
original size clothes - 26/28. I am wearing a few 22/24s I used to
wear. However, I went to Lane Bryant yesterday and none of the 22/24s
fit. It really bummed me out. I thought I would be able to wear
smaller clothes after 41 pounds.

For me, it's always been this way, and I think that's why I got
discouraged doing Weight Watchers before. I would work week after
week and still not go down a size. It would just frustrate me so
much, I would give up. My body is big but pretty proportioned, so it
takes a little off here, and a little there. There's no one big
chunk. I know in the end this will be blip on the radar, but I just
wanted to acknowledge my frustrations at this point.

It was soooooooooooooo wonderful to graduate to soft/pureed foods.
However, I have found I am scared to eat. I don't want to hurt myself
in any way. I am getting better about it though. Like everyone else,
I have to say food is no longer the same. There's little enjoyment in
eating now. And that's a GREAT thing to me! :-)

I think what was even more wonderful was being released to exercise.
When I learned I had no restrictions, I felt like I had truly crossed
over to being 'normal' again! It made me feel better knowing Dr. N
thinks my insides are healed enough to bend and stretch.

I returned to the Y yesterday and boy did it feel good. I rode 3
miles on the exercise bike and then I lifted weights on the machines.
The machines I use have a computer on them that tracks how much I
lift, how many reps, etc. I cut the amount lifted in half from the
time I was there last. I can't believe how much I used to lift. Even
at half, I pushed myself and couldn't do as many reps. But, it felt
sooo good working my muscles.

The only downside is that it, in conjunction with a terribly
stressful work week, zapped my energy entirely. I took an 8-
hour "nap" yesterday. I got up for 3 hours and then slept for 7 more.
I guess my body needed it, huh?

Today I am feeling sluggish. I am actually going to have to skip
today's support group meeting. I don't have it in me for the four-
hour excursion (drive an hour, sit two and drive another hour). I'm
sorry. I hate that I seem to bomb out on the support-group weekends.
I sure hope my total energy returns soon.

Other than that, I am doing just fine. I've not dumped or thrown up
yet (knock on wood) and my gall bladder is behaving itself (knock on
wood again).

I miss you all! I am so far behind on posts, I doubt I can catch up.
If I've missed something, PLEASE let me know!!! Otherwise, I am going
to try to keep up from here on out. It's hard at times, because I
can't access the group from work. The government's kinda picky about
how we use our computers. Go figure. haha

PLEASE know I think of you all every day and I am so thankful to have
you all for such wonderful friends.

I love you all!
Melissa

In closing...these are exciting times for me and my life is changing day-by-day. I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity and, while I do want to also acknowledge my frustrations, I never want to dwell on perceived negatives. How many times in life do we get do-overs? What a wonderful thing. It's worth all the hard stuff up front. Life just gets better each and every day.

God, thank You for this amazing tool. Please bless each person on this journey - pre-op and post-op.

Post-Op Day 39 - In the homestretch!

Well I am in the homestretch for food. Wednesday is the day I am free to eat pureed and soft foods! Yay for me! haha

I remembered Friday night that my nutritionist told me that a week or two before I transition into a new eating phase, I could start experimenting. So, I tried tuna with mayo. I was sooooooo scared to eat. It felt weird to truly chew again. I was super cautious as I ate. It seems to have sat with me ok..I just was kind of burpy. haha

Last night I got brave again and tried a cheese quesadilla on the way home from a nightclub. It tasted SO GOOD, but I was so afraid of it. I chewed and chewed and chewed. I had just one triangle...and then pulled some cheese off of a second one. I kept worrying about it getting stuck. I didn't have any problems, so I went on to bed. This morning it felt kinda stuck, but once I drank water I was fine.

Today I tried two tablespoons of refried beans mixed with cheese and a little sour cream. It was so good - but I couldn't eat it all. Isn't that wild? I didn't get sick, but I felt kinda queasy. This is all going to be trial-and-error. I think on Wednesday when I am cleared to eat soft foods, I am still going to do one or two new things a day but mostly drink liquids until I get the hang of it.

It's kinda of hard to remember to stop liquids for 30 minutes, not eat when you drink and then wait another 45 minutes. I am so use to drinking while eating. But, I understand why we can't do it.

I only felt comfortable experimenting because I got good news on Friday - Dr. Naaman cleared me to move freely and exercise again! YAY! I think I will return to the YMCA once I can start eating more food. I have to say - when I was dancing last night, it still felt weird in my tummy. I tried to lift some 3-pound weights this afternoon and I felt like a weakling. Maybe tomorrow I will start ab crunches. I miss being more physical.

I am sooooo excited to start shaping up my body. It's so awesome knowing that I will have guaranteed slimming results. Before, it took so long to lose weight and see results from workouts. I know this time, my body will really respond well with the weight dropping off. Woo hoo!

Ok...I will write more later. God please bless me in this next new phase, and please bless everyone on this journey.