Making progress

I received a call back today from Dr. Beryl Harberg's office. I was on my way to a meeting (actually late to one that I was leading with my upper management), so I just told the lady all my info really quick.

She asked my height and weight and said I was a candidate with that. She asked my insurance company, and she told me they work with them. She ask for my social security number and my insurance info.

After I finished with my meeting, my mind started racing with a ton of questions. I think I will call back tomorrow and check my status. I am trying to not get impatient with this process because I know it could take a long time to do any tests, doctor-supervised diets, etc.

Yesterday, I talked to my friend Joanne about it a lot. She seemed shocked that I would want to be this drastic. She is 125 pounds and has the perfect body, so I figured she could easily see why I would want the surgery. However, she is such a beautiful person inside and out, and she said she thinks I am fine the way I am. She likes that I exude self-confidence and that I represent full-figured women with pride.

I told her that I sometimes have a hard time thinking I won't be full-figured anymore. I am all about self-acceptance and I believe that sexy comes in every size. My mantra is Attitude is Everything. I believe that we shape our persona and desirability through our attitudes.

So many of my full-figured friends have rallied behind the self-love and self-acceptance that I have and find strength from it. So, as I told Joanne, I feel like a fraud and that if I have the surgery, I would be perceived as turning my back on everyone and my beliefs.

I do love myself very much, but I also know realistically I have to gain control of my weight problem. Eventually it will be a matter of life and death. So, do I wait until it is that bad, or do I take control now when I am still relatively healthy?

Anyway, I have to get ready for work. Just wanted to update my page. :-) xoxox

In the beginning: Introducing me....

This was originally published on my www.obesityhelp.com profile:


Hi there!

My name is Melissa and I have been a lurker for a year. In June 2003, I pursued WLS through NeWeigh in Houston. I sent them the following email:

**********
Hello!

I am definitely interested to learn if I can qualify for the Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Surgery.

I am 32 years old, 5'8" and weight 286. My BMI is 43.5 I met with my PCP this week and she said I am a terrific candidate for the surgery because of my positive and realistic attitude, and for the fact that major health problems have not happened to me as of yet. She would rather see me have the surgery now and circumvent any troubles that will occur if I continue on the path I am on. She is willing to write a letter of recommendation for me.

I feel way older than my 32 years. I've never able to live life like people my own age because I've always been significantly overweight in proportion to others.

I live a fulfilling life, but there is so much more I want to do. I know if I could get some of this weight off, I would not hesitate to get out and be ACTIVE! I enjoy exercising but, unfortunately, my weight has put great stress on my knees and it creates problems for the tendonitis that plagues the arch in my left foot.

I have tried dieting repeatedly. I have tons of diet books and products, but more importantly I have more than 8 Weight Watcher weigh-in books dating back to 1999. I even paid $100 a few months ago to visit a nutritionist at St. Luke that gave me a plan I couldn't even begin to follow without feeling so starved!

No matter how much it seems I try, I can't get the weight off. I lost about 25 pounds a year ago (my biggest victory ever), but I am slowly gaining it back. It's frightening me.

I feel so very scared and frustrated and helpless. While I try to maintain a positive attitude and I DO love myself, I feel I am at the threshold here. If I get any bigger, I am worried that my life as I know will soon become even more narrow and confined. I love life too much to let that happen.

What scares me most, though, is that I just don't know how I can live the rest of my life and not get any bigger without surgery. I mean, I've reached 285 in 32 years....the reality of what could come my way frightens me.

While people think this is all in my hands, I can't seem to get to get my hands around it -- no matter how hard I try. I didn't pay attention to it as the scale climbed and, now that I want to take charge, there is so much stacked against me. I am overwhelmed completely.

What do I have to do to be considered for this surgery? My insurance is Blue Cross/Blue Shield PPO.

I am looking to you for some glimmer of hope. Please help guide me!

I look forward to hearing from you!

Truly,
Melissa

Below is some history for you:

Weight-loss attempts

* Joined Weight Watchers in 1997 – have subsequently quit and rejoined more than 10 times, never losing more than 30 pounds (Still have most of my weigh-in booklets – beginning in 1999)

* Still a member of Weight Watchers online support, as well as e-diets

* Been a member of Curves for Women since September 1999

* Met with a nutritionist in April but plan left me hungry, prompting me to overeat even more

* Tried Meridia in 2001 but it had no effect

* Tried various other diet plans (Atkins, etc.), diet books, exercise videos and infomercial products over the years to no avail – my weight just keeps climbing

Health concerns:

* Immediate family history (Mother is obese with untreated high blood pressure/Father is slightly overweight but has had both cancer and a heart attack)

* Extended family history of obesity, high blood pressure, heart attacks and cancer

* Tendonitis in left arch that severely limits walking distances and most exercising except for riding a recumbent bike

* Excessive back, shoulder and leg pain from excess weight

* Increasing struggle to do normal activities for people my age that require me to be on my feet for extended times and/or require extra cardiovascular effort, such as extra-long days working exhibits for my job or travel for media tours

* Much testing in 1999 revealed that my weight is a significant (if not primary) contributor to my infertility. While I am no longer with my husband and I am not trying to conceive, it is frightening that my body has shut down a natural process such as reproduction

**********

The people at NeWeigh were very nice but, after a few days waiting, I learned that my particular company had a NO WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY stipulation. I was devastated.

A month after that I had severe back pain that took me out of work for a month. I learned it was my coccyx. After lots of doctors visits, and enduring the humiliation of knowing my fat was either the root problem or definitely contributing to it, the intense pain finally went away.

After that I was determined to lose weight. That was in September. I joined the YMCA and began working out and I got back on track with Weight Watchers. I got down to about 270 or so. Then, the hunger kicked in again and I lost interest. To top it off, around Christmas time I went off of my ADD medicine - Adderall. I didn't realized how much it curbed the hunger until it was gone.

So, since that time, I have gained all my weight back and then some. My home scale won't even register me anymore. :-( It just says OL - I guess that means overload. :-( I was about 315 the last time I went Weight Watchers about a month ago. Who knows - I might be more than 320. I am afraid to go to the doctor out of being embarrassed.

I feel the strain of the extra weight on my body. I have never been this heavy in my life. It's totally scary now. I am a very confident, upbeat woman who still gets a lot of attention from men. My husband still tells me I am gorgeous to him, but I struggle with my self-esteem more than I ever have.

I have been going through a lot of stress this year - I got promoted, I got married (we planned it in a week and it was fabulous), we built a house, we bought two new Explorers and I got promoted again. I am now the Communications & Outreach Supervisor over 23 people at NASA Johnson Space Center. Since Columbia, things have been stressful there in general. So, I've been going through a lot for a long time.

I just want to be healthy. You know, I re-read that letter today for the first time since writing it and I STILL feel the same - I just have lost another year of life. Part of me tells me I don't want the WLS, but another part tells me it is my only hope for a truly healthy life.

I know God has a plan for my life, and I have trusted him on this. Ironically, we just had a stressful contract changeover at work where our benefits have changed. In general, the benefits suck. However, there's one thing that has given me hope. The new insurance - Great West - does not allow gastric bypass EXCEPT for those morbidly obese. Sadly, I am that -- and this is the first time it has been a good thing!

I have researched, and I see that two Houston doctors who are frequently mentioned on these boards are on my insurance! Woo Hoo! I am hoping that I can once more explore the WLS route.

To say that I am not terrified would be a lie. However, I've read enough journals of people who were terrified too, survived the pain and are now leading incredibly satisfying lives! I want that as well. I believe getting healthy is the final major piece of the puzzle into getting my life straightened out.

You know, I received an email from a coworker the other day who, out of the blue, told me that it seems like my life is "really" cool because I have a happy marriage, a new home and new promotion with lots of responsibility. She told me I am living every girl's dream and that I am her role model.

All I could thing of was "How on Earth could I be YOUR role model??" She is super skinny naturally -- a rail. She is young and pretty and smart. I kept thinking of how I wish I had HER life!

I had to tell myself that, for living 33 years, I have come a long way. I tend to dismiss it all because of the one thing I've tackled repeatedly and have never been able to defeat - my overeating. In my personal life and in my career, so much has gone my way. Not everything, but a lot. I never want to discount those blessings. But I feel that if I can't be healthy, then what good is the rest? I know there's good in that, but I have to allow myself to enjoy it - which is another issue.

Anyway, I just wanted to give the lowdown on me. If anyone wants to chat, please feel free to email me at **********************. I would love to hear from you!

GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE ON THIS JOURNEY! MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!!