ODDS ‘N ENDS (a recap of what’s been going on…)

This covers carious Post-Op Days. I’ve been remiss on what’s been going on in my life, so I wanted to catch things up…

Me? A size 16?

That’s right – at least in a bathing suit! I needed a bathing suit for a luau party in Dallas on June 11. I needed something tropical actually, but I thought a two-piece (not bikini of course) bathing suit would work – as I could wear the top with a skirt.

I went to Fashion Bug. I thought, “Dare I try a size 20?” Well, they fit – with room! I found one I loved but it was a size 16. I thought – what the heck! I’ll try it! Guess what? It fit perfect!! I couldn’t believe the size I was staring at! I haven’t been a size 16 anything since high school! I have to say – it looked pretty flattering on me too!

For the record, seeing my friends in Dallas was wonderful! Three people (including one I know really well) didn’t recognize me at first! My friend I was with who didn’t know me at my highest weight asked me, “What is it like not be recognized?” Freaky is all I can tell ya! Haha

My first chocolate craving!

It finally hit me…the first time I reallllllllllly wanted chocolate! I was driving looking for a shopping mall and I just had this overwhelming sense that I wanted chocolate! At first I wanted Reece Cups. Then I realized I wanted Hostess Cupcakes! Isn’t that funny?

It’s so wild because when those would strike me before surgery, I would just pull right into a gas station and satisfy my craving. That senseless eating, you know? This time I had that powerful psychological tool that told me, “If you do that, you will get so sick!”

I’ve yet to dump, so the fear of it keeps me scared straight. I HATE being sick and out of control. Have I said how much I LOVE that I have had this surgery?? It forces me to deal with my emotions (good and bad). It also forces me to ride out cravings and come up with healthier solutions.

So what did I do? I remembered Dairy Queen has no-sugar added sweets. So I found one, and I inquired. They have quite a variety in fact. I first ordered a no-sugar added fudge bar. Then I realized I wanted to get Scott something. So, I thought – I will give him that one and I ordered myself a Dreamcicle bar. I thought “I don’t want to give myself chocolate when I am craving it this bad. I want to give myself a more sour but sweet taste to counterbalance it.”

Weird, I know. Haha But it worked. The orange-vanilla treat hit the spot – and I could barely eat it all.

Now don’t get me wrong…I will eat some chocolate. At work, one of my employees had these peanut butter-chocolate individual candies. I read the package and saw I could have two for 10g of sugar. That’s my limit. I will eat on whatever I can have for 10g or less. I know I can tolerate more, but it’s just a nice limit. I am sure I’ve pushed things if they say 12g or so, but the general rule I live by is 10g or less.

Doing things still lets me eat like a “normal” person. I don’t want to deprive myself totally. If I do, then there will come a day when I just snap because I’ve felt so held down. Now, I just go through life sampling things here and there. I’ve always been a picky eater, so it’s not like I am holding myself back much. I’ve just created a new world of picky eating that’s healthier for me.

My how things change…

I know I eat little now compared to before, but I don’t think I realized just how quickly I get full until Scott and I ate at Cracker Barrel recently.

I haven’t been to one since the surgery. In fact, I have only been to Cracker Barrel once or twice in the past five years. Don’t get me wrong - I love that place! But there’s not one really close to us, so I never think about going.

When I was married before, my ex-husband and I would go to them at least once or twice a month. I used to eat the chicken and dumplings all up, most of the mashed potatoes and at least two biscuits before my meal, and at least one – or even two more – during dinner. We’d even get dessert sometimes. On top of that, I would drink a large whole milk. Sure I would feel stuffed and uncomfortable, but I just couldn’t help myself. It was such good eatin’! No wonder I weighed 324 pounds!

Well, this time I went, I got the chicken and dumplings, mashed potatoes and mac and cheese. They didn’t bring biscuits out until dinner was served. When the food arrived, it seemed like the plate was kind of small – not the huge portions I remembered. My first reaction was one of mild disappointment. Then I realized, “I can’t eat all this anyway! What am I thinking!” haha

I ate a sliced piece of chicken and then a bite of potatoes. I ate a few bites of cornbread. I started feeling the pouch get full. I ate another sliced piece of chicken, a few dumplings (they were awesome!), another bite of potatoes and a bite or two of mac and cheese. I also managed to eat half a biscuit in all that. After that point, I felt like I was going to explode. Haha I couldn’t believe it. My food didn’t even look touched!

I sat there while Scott ate thinking and talking about how I cannot believe how little I eat now! I ate a few small bites of dumplings, but that’s all I could muster. I truly felt like I had eaten a HUGE Thanksgiving meal!

Afterwards, I wanted something sweet. My habit at Cracker Barrel is to buy some goody for the road. This time, all I could find within my sugar range were these meringue cookies. I could have six of them for 7g of sugar. I ate two and that’s all I wanted.

For most of the way home, I felt stuffed. I marveled at the difference this surgery makes. I never really compared my eating before and after until that one. It was a real eye opener in a great way. I think of how much healthier my body must be now that I am not loading it up with so much food – unhealthy food at that. The moderation this surgery has brought to my life is absolutely amazing.

A new look for me!

I went to an awards banquet a few weeks ago. Before I left, I was so frustrated with my hair. It just looked so damn thin and gross at the bottom. I tried to fix it and thought I did fine. However, I saw some pics of me taken there that made me want to hide. The backlighting showed how horribly thin it had gotten. I knew I needed a change.

So on Monday, June 20, I did it: I got a new haircut! She chopped it in this sassy style that comes right to my jaw in the front. The back is cut a little higher. When I first saw it, I loved it.

Then, as I drove home, I suddenly felt huge and conspicuous! I didn’t realize how much the hair going just past my shoulders allowed me to feel kinda hidden. To feel exposed made me feel fat.

Scott said he liked my hair when I got home. Of course, I wouldn’t let it die. So I kept asking. He told me the more I asked, the less favorable his response would be because he would be annoyed by my question. Lol I understood. I just explained that I was feeling insecure with it.

When I went to work the next day, it was like WOW! Everyone went nuts over my hair!! They said it looked so full and everyone is calling me “Sassy!” haha Several people told me it really accented my weight loss – one person even said it made me look 10 pounds lighter!

Later that day, I attended a small birthday gathering for the 1-year-old daughter of my astronaut friend Mike Fincke and his wife Renita. They wanted to thank those of us who supported them when she was born. Mike was living aboard the space station at the time, and it was the first baby born to an astronaut while living in space. It was a great event! I can’t even believe it’s been a year.

They hadn’t seen me since surgery. Well, Mike was late because he’s doing a lot with return to flight. But, when he walked in, he went past everyone and walked right up to me and goes, “You look GREAT!” That and the sassy hair really made my day! Haha

People were digging my hair too the rest of the week. I kept forgetting it looked different, so when I would see someone I hadn’t seen – they made a big deal about it like people did the day after it was cut. Haha I should have done it sooner! I do miss it being longer. I felt sexier with it longer (before the hair started falling out), but I am enjoying being sassy for right now. Haha It’s fitting my new attitude.

A new me inside too…

Finally, I need to be honest. The past two weeks have been the most stressful in my life I think. I am not going to give a lot of details, but just know it’s been horribly hard to face and work through my personal issues and insecurities.

In many ways, while excruciatingly painful, it’s been a blessing to get these problems out in the open. It’s been cleansing and liberating to face my internal struggles in the light and truly analyze and work on them.

I know my struggles don’t define who I am as a person – so I refuse to do that to myself. We all have our dark sides that we loathe. I know as a whole, I am person who is genuine and good – as we all basically are. I am just working on loving the genuine and good person I am, and I am working on understanding the person who struggles too. I am not going to hide her away and secretly beat her up anymore. I am going to help her be healthy.

Being overweight my entire life has truly shaped me and my inner makeup. The issues run deep – more deeply than I realized I think. I’ve been someone who has embraced herself in many ways. I think I accepted the fact that I was big and I was going to make my way in the world unapologetically. I’ve always wanted people to understand that everyone needs acceptance – and it shouldn’t be contingent on a number on the scale.

I feel I’ve done a lot in my life to ensure those who at least have encountered me understood that fact. I’ve helped people see the beauty in full-figured people, and I’ve worked to be the bridge to prove that sexy comes in all sizes. I’ve flaunted my sexuality and sensuality to the max – and I found that many people loved it.

I truly realized that full-figured people hold themselves back more than they are willing to accept. By not living up to their looks and potential, they present an image that has made it hard for the rest of the world to embrace. The walls, the negativity – it all is a turn-off.

I am not saying that it’s all the fault of full-figured people. Not at all. People are cruel. I just think it’s not one-sided either – and overweight people have to take the chip off their shoulders too to allow a balance to be achieved.

So, what does all this mean? Well, as much as I convinced so many around me throughout the years that I am different, I matter, I am sexy, I am worthy, I am beautiful – I don’t think I’ve convinced myself of those things. In fact, I’ve spent my life trying to find that acceptance in the wrong ways.

For years, I’ve struggled to accept myself as much as I know others accepted me. I’ve had a constant need for attention and, even though I have received it in abundance, it never seemed to be enough. I can be hit on all day long, yet I still feel unattractive. I can be told 100 times that I am pretty, but I just struggle to see it. I can be told I am desirable repeatedly, but I look at myself in the mirror and pick myself apart and I feel inferior to others.

So, I think I’ve wanted to hear it all more and more with an inner hope that maybe it will finally magically click in my brain. Sadly though, I’ve equated attention to being accepted. The need for attention can become an addiction indeed when your self-image is so low. It’s not that you love yourself so much you gotta keep hearing it for the high – it’s more that you don’t love yourself enough that you’re in a constant search of an ultimate fix that never occurs. So you keep seeking it in more ways – many of which aren’t healthy.

I am such a dichotomy. In some ways, I have incredible self-esteem and I blow people away with my confidence. But in other ways, my self-confidence is in ruins and I live with a feeling of nagging insecurity. I feel I am in touch with who I am and live life with great purpose; but in some ways, I am so out of touch with myself I can’t believe it. My actions have been so mindless at times I can’t even explain them. It’s like an out-of-body experience that makes no sense on the surface to me or anyone else.

As much as I have loved to show off, I have been extremely self conscious of the way I look for all my life and can be quite shy. As much as I have loved to showcase my body in pictures, for me to show myself intimately in person has always been a struggle and I have always had anxiety about it. As sexual as my mind is, my sensuality in person is not as robust as I know it can be because I can’t transfer thoughts into reality often times. I am an ultra-conservative wild woman! *smile*

On top of all this, I struggle with my ADD. So when I am bored or stressed or avoiding an overwhelming situation, my thought process gets outta whack and can be compulsive. I work to control it, but sometimes it just does get outta whack and I ride it out.

I live much of life vicariously through my imagination and fantasies. My imagination has always been light-years ahead of my true actions. That’s actually been a good thing for the most part because I am not compulsive in that way as I am with food. Thank God for that. Where I need to work on things is in not keeping myself so bottled up inside; I need to be channeling that energy appropriately to real life with my husband.

Luckily, we’ve worked hard to examine where we both need to adjust our lives so I can feel more comfortable in doing so. We’re working to meet in the middle and we’re both working on opening ourselves up to each other. We’re creating a safe environment for each other where I now feel he’s focused on me and I can focus on him.

For so long, we’ve done our own thing. The first few years, I think I resented it and felt rejected in some ways. Then I grew to embrace it…so much that I believe I had emotionally distanced myself from him and just went inside myself. Of course I’ve loved him and adored him totally – I know that’s obvious. I know he felt the same about me too.

I just think I got use to being a married lone wolf as he did. We’re now working on creating a new life that includes building a new foundation that’s focused solely on us. We both just have to let go of the past and zero in on creating a new us that will be much stronger.

I have been going through a major physical transformation the past six months – and I am doing well with it. So, I am now ready for a major emotional transformation. I am ready to let myself be vulnerable and let myself really open up and be an active part of a couple. I know it sounds weird for someone who is already married. But, it’s a big deal for me. I am ready to live in reality and have fun doing it.

I am also ready to let myself enjoy life, enjoy my home, enjoy my husband and enjoy myself. Sometimes it is just hard to enjoy the good stuff in life – especially when you’ve spent your whole life as an overweight person compensating for the hurts, the fear, the pain, the rejection and the feeling that you don’t really belong. You just have to let that go. You can only lick your wounds for so long. It’s time to release that and work to build your new reality.

It’s a scary feeling to let go, to look at yourself and to examine why you do the things you do and why you behave the way you do. However, it’s exciting too. I now feel a sense of excitement as I work to conquer the darkness that weighed heavier than I ever imagined for all my life.

Why am I writing all this and exposing my soul? Because I want anyone who is on this journey or considering it to know that your perspective on life does change and you have to face the ugly stuff in life sooner or later. If you don’t, you’re going to keep on sabotaging yourself just as you have done in the past. The tool will only work so long. You have to accept the fact that you have issues you MUST face.

Trust me – it’s much easier to just keep going through life mindlessly doing the same destructive things. You get use to them. You can ever become oblivious to them. However, that doesn’t mean the destruction isn’t tearing you up inside. It is. You have to face your demons.

I encourage you to not be afraid. Instead, look at it with a sense of empowerment. What have you been tolerating about yourself and others? What needs to change? What is holding you back? What will push you forward in the right way?

I am a positive, upbeat person by nature and inside of me is a truly joyful person who always has hope that God wants the best for each of us. I believe He will ensure that our future will be good and right. It won’t be perfect and it probably won’t turn out as we imagine, but I do believe He will make it better than we can imagine if we just trust in Him.

So, I am choosing to see all this as good stuff that needed to happen. Have I hated looking at myself so closely and intimately? Of course. Have I hated the pain involved? More than I could ever express here. Have I felt that it has brought me closer to my husband and to myself? Extremely.

Many times you have to go through the most painful, horrible feelings to get through to real message of desire, hope and happiness. Once you get there and uncover what it is you really want in life, you can wash off the residue of ugliness that was piled on top of it from past hurts and fears and needs. You can focus on making the good stuff come true.

I am committed to making my marriage work better than ever and I am committed to making ME work better than ever too. There’s no promise for success on either part; but I know if I do my best, what is suppose to happen will happen. I will accept that God just had a different plan in mind. But honestly, I believe this has all been part of His plan and I am on the right track – probably more so than I have ever been in my life.