Post-Op Day 192 - Aftermath of my parents' visit :-)
Wow - time has flown by!
Well, my folks left this morning after a fabulous visit. They were absolutely freaked out when they first saw me. When they pulled up, I snuck around the corner and went, "Ta-Da!"
My Mom goes, "My Gawd Missy!" and Dad went, "Gooooood Lord." They both were amazed. After about five minutes, Mom said, "I can't get over your skinny self!" Dad said he too was still in shock. Mom said she would have been like Scott and not recognized me in public. It blew me away to hear that.
When I took them to see my work friends, everyone asked them if they were surprised. It was wild to hear everyone talk about how different I look. I mean, I know I look different, but to hear them talk I must have really changed over the past six months. It was great to hear all that though. I was so humbled.
At lunch, the waiter called me "Princess." I was so embarrassed. I was trying to explain it away to my folks by saying, "Down here they like big girls." But my Dad said one of the nicest things he's ever said to me. He goes, "No - it's because you're really nice and very pretty." There's nothing like hearing your Dad say that to you when he's not one to say those kinds of things.
I miss them terribly right now. I love, love, love having them in our home. Life just feels so right when they're here. On the downside, that was the first time since being on liquids that I've really struggled in my new life. I wrote a fairly long note to my online support group this morning. I will post it here so you can see where I am at the moment:
Hello everyone!
I am about start catching up on posts since I last posted here. My folks have been in town from Indiana this entire time, so I haven't been able to get online really.
They left this morning. I'm incredibly sad to see them go, but I am looking forward to getting back into my routine. I chart my weight on each Wednesday. Well, this past week was the first gain since I started this journey. Albeit it was .5 pounds (-100.5 instead of -101), it was still a gain. What's worse is that since that weigh-in, it had slipped to -100. It was troubling since last weekend I had actually gotten to -102. Plus, I've been plateaued in the same area
for more than two weeks now. Frustrating indeed.
It is funny how being with my parents brought back a weird "need" to mindless eat. It's nothing they said. In fact, they are very supportive. It was just that temptation was brought back in the form of my Mom having big delicious suppers on the table right after work
or us having nice dinners out - on top of the snacks in the house that normally wouldn't be here.
This was the first time since the surgery that I didn't feel in control of my appetite and head hunger. It brought back a lot of uncomfortable feelings for me. I can also tell my pouch is able to accommodate more food than before – which is kinda freaky.
I practiced moderation as much as possible - and for the most part, it worked well. I SO could have eaten more than I allowed myself to eat. Through it all, I let myself observe the feelings I was having instead of ignoring them like I use to do. By doing so, I recognized that I didn't like feeling that way – needy, wanting and haunted by the thought of food in the kitchen. Those are scary and disturbing feelings that I had distanced myself from in this journey. Perhaps this was a good reminder for me that I am never healed – just more empowered.
Through it all, I didn't gorge but I did eat more than I normally do. Still, not gorging is a victory in itself - and I will recognize it as such. I am working on not beating myself up. This is a chance to understand my old thoughts and behaviors and to foster new and improved ones. If I panic when I feel those old feelings, I will never face them head-on and conquer them. They will control me.
When my parents drove off this morning at 3:45 a.m., I felt so sad. I miss them terribly already and had a big cry over it. But I also fixated on the positive that the vacation is over and now it's time to refocus. It felt so good thinking about that.
I put on my workout clothes and took my dog for a walk all the way around my neighborhood. For the past month or so, I've been cutting the walk in half. Actually, since my folks have been here, I didn't even walk her - my Dad did. haha So, to go the full distance in the wee hours of this morning felt wonderful!
This morning I checked my weight and I am back down -101 pounds. I know that my weight loss is going to fluctuate and stall at times, but it feels good that it's not moved up any more, ya know?
Anyway, that's where I am. It is my goal to be at the meeting tomorrow. I hate saying that because when I do, I jinx myself. haha
Still, I want to see ya'll so bad. My hair is cut off now in a short bob (due to the hair loss), but I still look pretty much the same. So say hi please if you see me first! :-)
Blessings to each of you on this amazingly wonderful journey!
xoxox
Melissa
I know that I am back on track now. It feels way too good not to be, you know?
I just have to realize that I am not forever going to have the rapid weight loss. As slow as it may have seemed the first six months, I know it is going to slow down this next six months. I have 68 pounds to go until I hit my healthy weight of 155 pounds - and it might take me the next year to lose that. Regardless, I am going to keep pushing forward because I am SO MUCH CLOSER than I was 101 pounds/six months ago!!!
As I walked Katie this morning, I felt like I was entering Phase 2 of my journey. It had been so long since she and I had our early morning walk in the dark, that it seemed so fresh and new. It allowed me to get my bearings better than I have before.
I was able to say..."Ok it's on to the next phase. I've gotten 101 pounds off of this body. I have come so far and I have done so well! I need to realize that and appreciate it! Now, it's time to focus on those 68 pounds. I can do it! I really can!!"
This weight loss happens so fast, that you tend to forget after a while that you don't have nearly as far to go as you did when you started. It is a daunting task when you think you need to lose 169 or so pounds. But, when you make yourself stop and realize you've got 101 of those pounds out of the way, it allows you to see you're more than half-way there!
So, I am working to change my mindset and do more of a countdown for the last 68 pounds. Who knows - when I reach it, I might need to lose 10 pounds more. My original goal was 148, but 155 puts me in a healthy BMI. I will worry about the fine details when I get there. :-)
Right now, it's 68 more pounds to go! yay for me!!!!
A shopping we will go...
When Mom was here, we went shopping to buy me some things that fit. I actually didn't want to go. I generally hate buying clothes because I get so depressed. We went to Lane Bryant and The Avenue. I didn't even like what they had. We then went to Cato. OMG! I found so many cute things that are CHEAP! It was also a pleasure to pick up size 18/20s and have them FIT!
I tried on tons of outfits. Some looked terrible, but I found quite a few that looked really good. I even got one stretchy top that is a size 14/16!!!!!! I wore it Wednesday. I never dreamed I would be wearing a 14/16 in my life!!!!
Everyone really liked my new clothes this week. I now want to go and get some more things. Since Cato is so affordable and fashionable, I don't dread it as much. I truly cannot wait until I can shop on the other side of the store in the "normal" clothes! OMG that will be a monster victory!!!!
Inner workings
Things are still going terrific with Scott. We had a great time with my folks, and we're having a great time together in general. We went out last Sunday to dinner and to see a live show. Many of his friends were there and it was great to be a couple amongst them. :-)
He and I are actively loving each other and it is making all the difference. I love him so much, and I am appreciating him more than ever. He is truly my strength in this journey. He constantly cheers for me, listens to me, compliments me and encourages me. I will never forget that.
Things are also going well with me internally. Since really exploring myself emotionally last month and facing some things that were really hard to face, I have felt like a new person. I have a sense of peace, happiness, control and clarity. By focusing on the hidden me that I use to beat up and working to love her more and more, I've been able to grow emotionally. Old habits are hard to break - but with the love and encouragement of my own inner voice as well as Scott, I am feeling 1,000 times better.
I do still struggle with my self-image. I am not going to lie about it. I am just working on keeping it in better perspective and not letting it negate in my mind all the victories I have achieved. I realize that I can't change myself overnight; but I can and have made progress. It's a step-by-step process.
The cellulite and stretch marks I had even before the surgery still really bother me, as do my flabby arms, round belly and fat thighs and knees. They were fat before, so I can't blame my weight loss. If anything, I need to be appreciative that those body parts are significantly smaller! It will all work itself out. I am working on having an even better attitude of appreciation because I am truly and honestly appreciative of my ever-changing, ever-shrinking body.
The only other thing I find myself obsessing on is that I am hating my hair being short. When I look at the pics on this website of me with my longer hair, I get so sad. I just feel like I no longer have the femininity that I loved having before. I get angry that I had so much hair loss that the back was getting scraggly and needed cutting off. But, it's a small price to pay to have all the great benefits of this surgery. I MUST keep that in mind.
The upside is that most really seem to love the new cut on me. So I need to just appreciate that I still have hair and that it is a fun, sassy style.
With all that said - the real inner workings that were troubled or damaged are much, much healthier than before. When I am given a positive, warm and nurturing environment to change and grow in, I can't help but want to flourish. I owe all that to Scott for fostering that environment. I love him more than words can say.
I've come a long way Baby
I use to keep a general journal online on Open Diary. Even though I no longer do, I haven't deleted my entries because they chronicle when I first got Katie, our wedding and us building our house. They also provide a snapshot of my struggles with weight and trying to lose it.
You know - so many people see me as the eternal optimist. In many ways I am. However, Scott can tell you that I worry sometimes more than I should about things. However, deep inside of me, I do have a trust that all is on the path it should be. So, I try to look on the positive side and only let Scott see the fears that trouble me.
With that said, sometimes people might not think I do struggle. Those that read my journal know otherwise. But, I always manage to push through and enjoy the good times.
In my new support group at work, I've been emailing with a wonderful person who is afraid to come to the support group. Her emotions are so raw, that she just can't do it. So, we talk privately via email. Well, from her words, I can tell she is experiencing a lot of fear and she has a lot of self-loathing.
I wanted to address that because I feel it can truly hinder her success in the surgery or in anything in life. This is an excerpt of what I wrote her:
I understand your emotions and fears. I've been right there where you are, and I understand 100 percent. *hugs*
So, with that said, I want you to do one thing please: Focus on loving yourself as-is. I hear a lot of discourse within you. You must remember that who you are as a person is not based upon a number on the scale. I know the excess weight is horrible and it is scary when you realize that the surgery is your best option. It's an overwhelming feeling - almost like you're going to drown.
However, you can't fall into the trap of self-loathing - it only compounds things and makes the overwhelming feeling worse. It is imperative that you separate your weight issues from the essence of who you are as a person. Does that make sense?
Work on treating yourself with love and kindness and respect. Give yourself good stuff and allow yourself to feel good feelings. For example, come to the support group because you love yourself enough to make friends who truly care and understand. I am thrilled because I already see you stretching yourself by you wanting to go to lunch with me. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad you're taking it. Keep on stretching!
I know all this might sound like mumbo-jumbo, but I believe self-love is the key to making this journey more successful. It starts the metamorphosis that you want and need in your life. You have to work on the inside and outside simultaneously - most don't get that. I think the key to success is when people stop hating themselves, forgive themselves and then start loving themselves unconditionally. It's an amazing feeling when you let yourself love yourself.
She wrote back and said she understood, but that it was easier said than done. This is where I think people underestimate how much I have struggled with these things. I don't have the insight I do because I am looking from the outside in. I am someone who lives it and works on it. I told her that too - which means that I don't listen to excuses. :-)
I know that sounds hardcore, but I guess that we spend so much time as overweight people making excuses that we believe them and we use them as crutches. I owe it to people to help them get away from making excuses. I myself am working to do the very same thing. It's not a once-and-done thing. I will forever be working on it.
However, you can't really realize how far you've come until you find something that takes you back to the starting point. I found that "something" yesterday as I re-read my open diary entries. I don't even remember writing this, but I am so glad I did. I always had this stuff swirling around in my head, but I don't even remember putting it down on paper.
Now reading it, you will think I looked like a slob and was introverted. But I wasn't in the slightest. I took great care of myself, was rising in my career and appeared to be wildly successful and happy. It's just amazing how your inner fears can be hidden from the world. But it doesn't mean they don't exist. Some of us are just better at hiding them than others.
So, yes I have struggled. Yet, even at my lowest point, I knew that by focusing on self-love, I would have the key to happiness. It just took me a lot of courage to start on the road to healing through self-love.
I truly have come a long way since this point - March 6, 2004. Now, I am living a much better, much happier life not just because of the weight loss, but also because I cared enough about myself to love me through the good and bad times. I had to love myself to the point that I could face even deeper issues like I did last month. It doesn't mean I backslid. It's just the opposite. I was strong enough to confront the deep down emotional issues and begin work on them. I chose to not run from them or make excuses. Instead, I met them head-on and was honest about them. I feel liberated!
So inner change can happen. You just have to work on it and believe in the value and importance of self-love.
Here's a look at who I use to be on the inside:
UGH 3/6/2004
God I took my weight loss for granted. Now that I am hitting the 299-pound mark again, I would give anything to be -20 or so down again. I guess I just thought I would stay there, regardless if I was stuffing my face.
I looked in the mirror and saw my belly tonight. I am huge. I am feeling run down, sluggish and tired. My legs rub together, I feel like I waddle, my body is so heavy. I feel so bloated, lethargic. I get tired walking Katie half-way around the complex. I miss the days of walking briskly, riding the bike and working out. Yet I am so not motivated to do it.
I am miserable. My face has gotten fatter, my head hurts, my neck and back ache. Yet I keep stuffing my face full of food I know is bad for me. It's a terrible cycle. I don't love myself. I do in some cases. But, for the most part, I don't. I am f*cking up my life. I am mad at myself. I feel trapped in this horrible pattern of self abuse. I am ashamed, angry at myself and feel helpless.
For my birthday, I need to give myself the present of self-love. True self-love. Please help me God. I need to reach out. I want a normal life -- the one I pretend to have. I want to refocus my energy on the positive stuff in life and get out of this stinky, dingy gutter I am in. I haven't even bathed in 2.5 days. I feel disgusting inside and out. Please help me God. Please. I feel so void and cold and dead inside -- unable to feel any emotions. Warm my heart God. Ignite my spirit. Pull me out of this. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
Praise God for hearing my cries for help! This serves as my reminder that I should never, ever take for granted what God has delivered me from. Self-love is the key to happiness.
Well, my folks left this morning after a fabulous visit. They were absolutely freaked out when they first saw me. When they pulled up, I snuck around the corner and went, "Ta-Da!"
My Mom goes, "My Gawd Missy!" and Dad went, "Gooooood Lord." They both were amazed. After about five minutes, Mom said, "I can't get over your skinny self!" Dad said he too was still in shock. Mom said she would have been like Scott and not recognized me in public. It blew me away to hear that.
When I took them to see my work friends, everyone asked them if they were surprised. It was wild to hear everyone talk about how different I look. I mean, I know I look different, but to hear them talk I must have really changed over the past six months. It was great to hear all that though. I was so humbled.
At lunch, the waiter called me "Princess." I was so embarrassed. I was trying to explain it away to my folks by saying, "Down here they like big girls." But my Dad said one of the nicest things he's ever said to me. He goes, "No - it's because you're really nice and very pretty." There's nothing like hearing your Dad say that to you when he's not one to say those kinds of things.
I miss them terribly right now. I love, love, love having them in our home. Life just feels so right when they're here. On the downside, that was the first time since being on liquids that I've really struggled in my new life. I wrote a fairly long note to my online support group this morning. I will post it here so you can see where I am at the moment:
Hello everyone!
I am about start catching up on posts since I last posted here. My folks have been in town from Indiana this entire time, so I haven't been able to get online really.
They left this morning. I'm incredibly sad to see them go, but I am looking forward to getting back into my routine. I chart my weight on each Wednesday. Well, this past week was the first gain since I started this journey. Albeit it was .5 pounds (-100.5 instead of -101), it was still a gain. What's worse is that since that weigh-in, it had slipped to -100. It was troubling since last weekend I had actually gotten to -102. Plus, I've been plateaued in the same area
for more than two weeks now. Frustrating indeed.
It is funny how being with my parents brought back a weird "need" to mindless eat. It's nothing they said. In fact, they are very supportive. It was just that temptation was brought back in the form of my Mom having big delicious suppers on the table right after work
or us having nice dinners out - on top of the snacks in the house that normally wouldn't be here.
This was the first time since the surgery that I didn't feel in control of my appetite and head hunger. It brought back a lot of uncomfortable feelings for me. I can also tell my pouch is able to accommodate more food than before – which is kinda freaky.
I practiced moderation as much as possible - and for the most part, it worked well. I SO could have eaten more than I allowed myself to eat. Through it all, I let myself observe the feelings I was having instead of ignoring them like I use to do. By doing so, I recognized that I didn't like feeling that way – needy, wanting and haunted by the thought of food in the kitchen. Those are scary and disturbing feelings that I had distanced myself from in this journey. Perhaps this was a good reminder for me that I am never healed – just more empowered.
Through it all, I didn't gorge but I did eat more than I normally do. Still, not gorging is a victory in itself - and I will recognize it as such. I am working on not beating myself up. This is a chance to understand my old thoughts and behaviors and to foster new and improved ones. If I panic when I feel those old feelings, I will never face them head-on and conquer them. They will control me.
When my parents drove off this morning at 3:45 a.m., I felt so sad. I miss them terribly already and had a big cry over it. But I also fixated on the positive that the vacation is over and now it's time to refocus. It felt so good thinking about that.
I put on my workout clothes and took my dog for a walk all the way around my neighborhood. For the past month or so, I've been cutting the walk in half. Actually, since my folks have been here, I didn't even walk her - my Dad did. haha So, to go the full distance in the wee hours of this morning felt wonderful!
This morning I checked my weight and I am back down -101 pounds. I know that my weight loss is going to fluctuate and stall at times, but it feels good that it's not moved up any more, ya know?
Anyway, that's where I am. It is my goal to be at the meeting tomorrow. I hate saying that because when I do, I jinx myself. haha
Still, I want to see ya'll so bad. My hair is cut off now in a short bob (due to the hair loss), but I still look pretty much the same. So say hi please if you see me first! :-)
Blessings to each of you on this amazingly wonderful journey!
xoxox
Melissa
I know that I am back on track now. It feels way too good not to be, you know?
I just have to realize that I am not forever going to have the rapid weight loss. As slow as it may have seemed the first six months, I know it is going to slow down this next six months. I have 68 pounds to go until I hit my healthy weight of 155 pounds - and it might take me the next year to lose that. Regardless, I am going to keep pushing forward because I am SO MUCH CLOSER than I was 101 pounds/six months ago!!!
As I walked Katie this morning, I felt like I was entering Phase 2 of my journey. It had been so long since she and I had our early morning walk in the dark, that it seemed so fresh and new. It allowed me to get my bearings better than I have before.
I was able to say..."Ok it's on to the next phase. I've gotten 101 pounds off of this body. I have come so far and I have done so well! I need to realize that and appreciate it! Now, it's time to focus on those 68 pounds. I can do it! I really can!!"
This weight loss happens so fast, that you tend to forget after a while that you don't have nearly as far to go as you did when you started. It is a daunting task when you think you need to lose 169 or so pounds. But, when you make yourself stop and realize you've got 101 of those pounds out of the way, it allows you to see you're more than half-way there!
So, I am working to change my mindset and do more of a countdown for the last 68 pounds. Who knows - when I reach it, I might need to lose 10 pounds more. My original goal was 148, but 155 puts me in a healthy BMI. I will worry about the fine details when I get there. :-)
Right now, it's 68 more pounds to go! yay for me!!!!
A shopping we will go...
When Mom was here, we went shopping to buy me some things that fit. I actually didn't want to go. I generally hate buying clothes because I get so depressed. We went to Lane Bryant and The Avenue. I didn't even like what they had. We then went to Cato. OMG! I found so many cute things that are CHEAP! It was also a pleasure to pick up size 18/20s and have them FIT!
I tried on tons of outfits. Some looked terrible, but I found quite a few that looked really good. I even got one stretchy top that is a size 14/16!!!!!! I wore it Wednesday. I never dreamed I would be wearing a 14/16 in my life!!!!
Everyone really liked my new clothes this week. I now want to go and get some more things. Since Cato is so affordable and fashionable, I don't dread it as much. I truly cannot wait until I can shop on the other side of the store in the "normal" clothes! OMG that will be a monster victory!!!!
Inner workings
Things are still going terrific with Scott. We had a great time with my folks, and we're having a great time together in general. We went out last Sunday to dinner and to see a live show. Many of his friends were there and it was great to be a couple amongst them. :-)
He and I are actively loving each other and it is making all the difference. I love him so much, and I am appreciating him more than ever. He is truly my strength in this journey. He constantly cheers for me, listens to me, compliments me and encourages me. I will never forget that.
Things are also going well with me internally. Since really exploring myself emotionally last month and facing some things that were really hard to face, I have felt like a new person. I have a sense of peace, happiness, control and clarity. By focusing on the hidden me that I use to beat up and working to love her more and more, I've been able to grow emotionally. Old habits are hard to break - but with the love and encouragement of my own inner voice as well as Scott, I am feeling 1,000 times better.
I do still struggle with my self-image. I am not going to lie about it. I am just working on keeping it in better perspective and not letting it negate in my mind all the victories I have achieved. I realize that I can't change myself overnight; but I can and have made progress. It's a step-by-step process.
The cellulite and stretch marks I had even before the surgery still really bother me, as do my flabby arms, round belly and fat thighs and knees. They were fat before, so I can't blame my weight loss. If anything, I need to be appreciative that those body parts are significantly smaller! It will all work itself out. I am working on having an even better attitude of appreciation because I am truly and honestly appreciative of my ever-changing, ever-shrinking body.
The only other thing I find myself obsessing on is that I am hating my hair being short. When I look at the pics on this website of me with my longer hair, I get so sad. I just feel like I no longer have the femininity that I loved having before. I get angry that I had so much hair loss that the back was getting scraggly and needed cutting off. But, it's a small price to pay to have all the great benefits of this surgery. I MUST keep that in mind.
The upside is that most really seem to love the new cut on me. So I need to just appreciate that I still have hair and that it is a fun, sassy style.
With all that said - the real inner workings that were troubled or damaged are much, much healthier than before. When I am given a positive, warm and nurturing environment to change and grow in, I can't help but want to flourish. I owe all that to Scott for fostering that environment. I love him more than words can say.
I've come a long way Baby
I use to keep a general journal online on Open Diary. Even though I no longer do, I haven't deleted my entries because they chronicle when I first got Katie, our wedding and us building our house. They also provide a snapshot of my struggles with weight and trying to lose it.
You know - so many people see me as the eternal optimist. In many ways I am. However, Scott can tell you that I worry sometimes more than I should about things. However, deep inside of me, I do have a trust that all is on the path it should be. So, I try to look on the positive side and only let Scott see the fears that trouble me.
With that said, sometimes people might not think I do struggle. Those that read my journal know otherwise. But, I always manage to push through and enjoy the good times.
In my new support group at work, I've been emailing with a wonderful person who is afraid to come to the support group. Her emotions are so raw, that she just can't do it. So, we talk privately via email. Well, from her words, I can tell she is experiencing a lot of fear and she has a lot of self-loathing.
I wanted to address that because I feel it can truly hinder her success in the surgery or in anything in life. This is an excerpt of what I wrote her:
I understand your emotions and fears. I've been right there where you are, and I understand 100 percent. *hugs*
So, with that said, I want you to do one thing please: Focus on loving yourself as-is. I hear a lot of discourse within you. You must remember that who you are as a person is not based upon a number on the scale. I know the excess weight is horrible and it is scary when you realize that the surgery is your best option. It's an overwhelming feeling - almost like you're going to drown.
However, you can't fall into the trap of self-loathing - it only compounds things and makes the overwhelming feeling worse. It is imperative that you separate your weight issues from the essence of who you are as a person. Does that make sense?
Work on treating yourself with love and kindness and respect. Give yourself good stuff and allow yourself to feel good feelings. For example, come to the support group because you love yourself enough to make friends who truly care and understand. I am thrilled because I already see you stretching yourself by you wanting to go to lunch with me. I know it is a big step, and I am so glad you're taking it. Keep on stretching!
I know all this might sound like mumbo-jumbo, but I believe self-love is the key to making this journey more successful. It starts the metamorphosis that you want and need in your life. You have to work on the inside and outside simultaneously - most don't get that. I think the key to success is when people stop hating themselves, forgive themselves and then start loving themselves unconditionally. It's an amazing feeling when you let yourself love yourself.
She wrote back and said she understood, but that it was easier said than done. This is where I think people underestimate how much I have struggled with these things. I don't have the insight I do because I am looking from the outside in. I am someone who lives it and works on it. I told her that too - which means that I don't listen to excuses. :-)
I know that sounds hardcore, but I guess that we spend so much time as overweight people making excuses that we believe them and we use them as crutches. I owe it to people to help them get away from making excuses. I myself am working to do the very same thing. It's not a once-and-done thing. I will forever be working on it.
However, you can't really realize how far you've come until you find something that takes you back to the starting point. I found that "something" yesterday as I re-read my open diary entries. I don't even remember writing this, but I am so glad I did. I always had this stuff swirling around in my head, but I don't even remember putting it down on paper.
Now reading it, you will think I looked like a slob and was introverted. But I wasn't in the slightest. I took great care of myself, was rising in my career and appeared to be wildly successful and happy. It's just amazing how your inner fears can be hidden from the world. But it doesn't mean they don't exist. Some of us are just better at hiding them than others.
So, yes I have struggled. Yet, even at my lowest point, I knew that by focusing on self-love, I would have the key to happiness. It just took me a lot of courage to start on the road to healing through self-love.
I truly have come a long way since this point - March 6, 2004. Now, I am living a much better, much happier life not just because of the weight loss, but also because I cared enough about myself to love me through the good and bad times. I had to love myself to the point that I could face even deeper issues like I did last month. It doesn't mean I backslid. It's just the opposite. I was strong enough to confront the deep down emotional issues and begin work on them. I chose to not run from them or make excuses. Instead, I met them head-on and was honest about them. I feel liberated!
So inner change can happen. You just have to work on it and believe in the value and importance of self-love.
Here's a look at who I use to be on the inside:
UGH 3/6/2004
God I took my weight loss for granted. Now that I am hitting the 299-pound mark again, I would give anything to be -20 or so down again. I guess I just thought I would stay there, regardless if I was stuffing my face.
I looked in the mirror and saw my belly tonight. I am huge. I am feeling run down, sluggish and tired. My legs rub together, I feel like I waddle, my body is so heavy. I feel so bloated, lethargic. I get tired walking Katie half-way around the complex. I miss the days of walking briskly, riding the bike and working out. Yet I am so not motivated to do it.
I am miserable. My face has gotten fatter, my head hurts, my neck and back ache. Yet I keep stuffing my face full of food I know is bad for me. It's a terrible cycle. I don't love myself. I do in some cases. But, for the most part, I don't. I am f*cking up my life. I am mad at myself. I feel trapped in this horrible pattern of self abuse. I am ashamed, angry at myself and feel helpless.
For my birthday, I need to give myself the present of self-love. True self-love. Please help me God. I need to reach out. I want a normal life -- the one I pretend to have. I want to refocus my energy on the positive stuff in life and get out of this stinky, dingy gutter I am in. I haven't even bathed in 2.5 days. I feel disgusting inside and out. Please help me God. Please. I feel so void and cold and dead inside -- unable to feel any emotions. Warm my heart God. Ignite my spirit. Pull me out of this. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.
Praise God for hearing my cries for help! This serves as my reminder that I should never, ever take for granted what God has delivered me from. Self-love is the key to happiness.
posted by Melissa :-) @ 2:19 PM
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