Post-Op Day 199 - Realizing how far I've come

ok I'm back haha I got a little sidetracked.

Not only did I get some water, but I did some quick ab twists and squats. I also sorted clothes, talked to Scott on the phone and started a load of darks.

I ALSO took some time and went through my closet trying on clothes and determining if they still fit enough to wear properly. I would say 85% of what I had hanging in there did not fit properly. I added those clothes to the 6 or 7 bags of clothes I already had assembled to give to friends.

Not all of those clothes were mine to start with. Many are what Deandra (my employee who had gastric bypass surgery too) had given me and I've shrunk out of as well. It's amazing to see how much I have to give away now!

Deandra gave me some more clothes yesterday, so I felt comfortable enough to give away the ones I was hanging on to. She has been such a blessing to me! Luckily, our clothing tastes are very similar, so I feel like it's almost as if she's done personal shopping for me! hehe

I also went shopping the other other night and bought another outfit. I just find myself wanting to buy more and more clothes. I know I can't. I mean, I bought a skirt at Walmart two weeks ago when I went there with my folks - and it is already looking big. I know if I keep exercising, I am going to keep dropping the inches.

It's just so exciting to imagine what size I will be by Christmas. I would love to be in a size 13 so I could shop in juniors. That might be an unrealistic goal - but a girl can hope, can't she? Man, what a Christmas that will be regardless. I know my Mom will buy me a few awesome outfits for Christmas! I remember last Christmas I kept thinking that. I remembered being thrilled that it would be my last Christmas so big.

I just tried on a shirt I was wearing at Christmastime - a size 30/32. It swallowed me. I look like a little girl wearing an adult top. It's not that I am so small now but that the top is just so big. I remember when I bought it and another top at a size 30/32. I was thankful to find something that gave me a little room and that I could button. More so though, I was terrified that I was firmly in that size. The surgery happened at just the right time, I think.

It was wild just trying on outfits that fit just a few months ago. They were sizes 24, 22 and even 20. They were things that I couldn't WAIT to fit into - now they have just way too much room in them to fit my body correctly. I was amazed every time I put one on. When I would put some on, I would revert back to my thinking of "I hope it fits." Because pre-op, they didn't at all. I had grown out of them and longed to be in them again.

It just doesn't seem real sometimes. It's such an amazingly good but weird feeling. I literally don't feel that much smaller - but the clothes don't lie, you know? I put to the side on of my pre-op outfits and a size 24 top I remember I couldn't wait to fit into that now swallows me. I want to always remember where I came from because sometimes you can forget.

It fits!
I am also excited to fit into one particular top. It's a size 14/16. That in itself is amazing. However, there's a story behind it.

In 2002, Scott and I planned to attend a costume party. Scott was to dress as a pimp. We wanted him to look like an old school pimp from the 70s - silk purple shirt, dark glasses, the whole nine yards. Well, I happened to find him the perfect shirt at Fashion Bug. I bought him a size 14/16 and it fit great and served its purpose.

Well, I always loved that shirt because, for a woman, it was really pretty. I remember before surgery at my highest weight and at my lowest weight (260-something), I would always look at it and tell myself, "The day I can fit into that is the day I am no longer a fat girl - I will be a big but 'normal' person."

I know, sounds silly. But that shirt was just so far out of my range that it represented a whole new world and life if I could ever fit into it. I would even put it on sometimes...or make that I would TRY to put it on. At my highest, there was no way my arm could go it. At my lowest, I could get it on. Still, it was terribly tight and wouldn't even come close to wrapping to the front to button.

I've tried it on several times along my journey and it's progressively gotten closer and closer to looking halfway normal. The past couple of times, I had gotten it buttoned but it was greatly pulled. That in itself was a victory. Today, I buttoned it effortlessly. It fits just fine. It's funny, in my mind I think, "I need it a little more baggy." But, I know the girls at work would be, "It fits now!"

So for me, it is such a victory to finally be able to wear the last thing in my closet that was seemingly so absolutely unattainable! YAY FOR ME!!!

On another clothing-related note: I just washed and hung up my new clothes. To see how small they look compared to the other ones is sooo exciting, as is seeing the labels in them - 16-18, 1x and, my favorite, XL! Wooo hoo! Sooooooooooooo exciting!

Oh! One more thing! haha Scott wears this really sexy black stretchy t-shirt-type sometimes that I love on him. Well, by accident, it was put in my closet. I started looking at it and I thought - "You know, this might just fit me. It is an XL - so what the heck?!" I put it on and it fits fine! Never in my life did I ever imagine me wearing Scott's clothes! Of course, it doesn't look nearly as good on me as it does him - hehe - but just knowing I could put it on was such a thrill! Ok enough with all that!

The photo
I walked into my office yesterday and there, on my desk, was a photo turned upside down. I cringed to turn it over because I figured I was in it and I figured I would hate what I see. For so long I've hated seeing "candid" shots of me. If I have control over them, I am fine. But candid ones always looked hideous.

I held my breath and flipped it over. I then gasped and said, "Oh my God!"

It was me and my coworker Toni at a baby shower back at the end of April. When I saw myself, I couldn't believe it. I looked so....small! For me, at least! I didn't hate the pic - but I also couldn't get my mind around the fact that was how I am looking! Gone was the extra wideness. Gone was the double chin. Gone was the extra fat arms. Gone was the obvious belly. I was floored.

What's also great about the photo is that Toni can use it as one of her before pics. Yes, that's right, she is going to be having the surgery in less than three weeks! I am just so excited for her I cannot even stand it!

She researched when the pic was taken and then looked to see what my weight was at the time. I was right at 250 pounds - which is 28.5 pounds more than today! Like I said in an entry back then, I was one hot 250-pound woman! haha

I just couldn't get over how small (for me) I looked! But, what freaked me out more is when my coworker Tiffany goes, "Melissa, you're smaller than that now." I was like, "No way!" She and Joanne both insisted I was. They said I was noticeably smaller. I just cannot wrap my mind around that, you know? I was just thrilled to be the size I was in the pic!

I have a little polaroid camera in my desk, so I snapped a self-portrait of my face to gauge it by. Sure enough, my face is noticeably smaller. I just cannot fathom that!

When Scott got home last night, I showed him the pic. He was like, "Oh yeah - you're definitely smaller now than in that pic!" So it's true. UNREAL!

Plateau from hell
For the past three weeks, I have been on a mega-plateau. Once I hit 100, things came to a grinding halt! You could almost hear the squealing tires!

I have been battling the same pound or so this entire time. I've bounced from 224 to 223.5 to 223 - back and forth, back and forth. Through it all, I've just been focused on exercise, drinking water and not getting bent out of shape over it. I have noticed that some inches are going away, so I know it's working. But, to say the plateau doesn't bother me would be a lie.

I've even gone as far as to decide to only record my stats on my monthly anniversary. I think this will help me not focus and stress as much on numbers. I know that in the second six months, things go a lot slower than the first for many. I am just one of those people. I remind myself I got 100 pounds off - and that is the most amazing feeling ever.

Luckily, the scale has moved a little the past few days. I am now down to 221.5. I will be relieved to be out of the 220s! haha Still, they've been good to me because they gave me that -100-pound victory I wanted so badly!

I am sure in a few months, I will look back and see that I eventually got out of this plateau. :-)

Compliments galore
I have to say that every work day I receive an abundance of comments and compliments. Wearing clothes that fit really help foster that! haha

My greatest supporters are my team members, my boss Jeanne and my fellow supervisors. They are just so good to me - you can't even imagine. On top of that, just random coworkers will throw compliments my way. It's always wild to hear them!

Before the surgery, I thought I would resent all the compliments. I thought they would be shallow. In reality, I just had a chip on my shoulder I think. Now that I am almost seven months out, I am loving the compliments. People are recognizing me for my hard work and I appreciate it. It's also nice hearing that I am looking different - though I often struggle to see it.

This surgery has done so many amazing things for me in such a short time!

A defining moment
Yesterday, I experienced a very defining moment in my journey.

A fairly oblivious coworker/friend named Mark Baird came in to tell me that he finally is noticing my weight loss. I had to laugh and say, "I've lost over a 100 pounds - it's about damn time, Baird!"

He said it takes him a while to notice things, but he can't help but notice how I've changed. He said that he has to look quick when in the hallway or he might not see me since there's so little of me left. haha

He and I have gone out partying together, so he knows me well and he knows he can be honest with me. He also knows I party with the BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) crowd and I have always embraced my BBW-ness. So, it took me by surprise when he told me: "You're no longer a BBW - you're just a slightly overweight normal person now."

While most wouldn't want to hear themselves called a "slightly overweight normal person," for me it was almost overwhelming. I've labeled myself as a BBW for so long, it really hit me between the eyes to hear someone say I am no longer a BBW in someone's eyes.

This goes back to me being in Phase 2. I knew things had changed, but I think this confirms that I am walking in new territory. It's exciting but scary. However, I think I am just going to go with the flow and embrace being a "slightly overweight normal person" for the time being. :-)

Looking back
Finally, transferring my journal to this blog has been very humbling and centering. Why? Because I've had to go back through my journey and read what I've written. I just can't believe how much has changed. If anything, this entry alone shows just how far I've come.

On Post-Op Day 9 (Janaury 8), I had a major meltdown. I wrote:

All day, I have felt under the weather. I’m not sick, it’s just that food didn’t appeal to me and I am so exhausted still. Tonight’s walk was the opposite of last night’s. It was filled with intense emotion and some regret. I asked myself, “Why did you do this to yourself??”

Then I stopped and questioned myself. “Am I asking myself why did I do this surgery – or why did I let myself get so big and out of control?”

Either way, the reality just made me so sad and depressed. I am not totally regretting the surgery, as I know it will have great benefits. It’s just that right now, I am probably in the hibernation phase people talk about...I told myself that when I feel better again and feel like smiling, I will not take that feeling of joy for granted.

When I came home, I told Scott that I had been crying and that I felt so sad. Being the wonderful man he is, he just hugged me and said he knew these emotions would come. He said that I’ve been so “up” – almost too “up” – the entire time. He said besides the first five hours where I was very cranky because I was in such pain, my attitude has been really positive.

I told him that I have to be positive in this journey – it’s essential for success. He said he understood totally –but I have to realize that I am going to have these moments. He said in six months from now, I will be through all this and I will be thrilled I had the surgery. I know he’s right – but right now it’s hard to see through the heavy fog.

Reading that blew me away because I am now six months past that point, and I AM so thrilled I had this surgery! Scott was so wise! I love you Scott!

I still had so much fear - even though I was post-op. I felt I had myself surgically altered and yet I had no results. I didn't know if I would lose 30 pounds, let along 102! All I knew is that my whole world had changed and I had no results at the moment to show for it.

I wish I could go back, clear the fog and tell myself that it was all going to work out wonderfully, you know? Yes, this was a serious surgery I underwent, but it has changed my life for the good in so many ways, you know? It was SO worth all that hardship. I am not thin by any stretch of the imagination. However, I am so much more healthy and I look better than I imagined.

My fears were so deep, so real. Those fears encompassed the fear of failing once more, the fear of changing and the fear of succeeding. It all boils down to the fear of the unknown really.

The good news is that, as fast as this journey goes, it's slow enough that you don't have to face it all at one time. You adjust. You grow. You take one day at a time. It all unfolds as it should.

Life now is so wonderful. Sure I have my daily problems, but that's just the way it is. I've also tackled big issues that I probably wouldn't have if I were still at my pre-op weight. But that's not a bad thing - it has been worth it because I am leading a happier, most balanced life.

I am enjoying seeing my body shrink and fitting into smaller clothes. I love knowing that the less weight I have, the better my heart and organs are going to function. I daily count my blessings for all the new friends I have made and for all the people who I knew before that have loved me and supported me through it all. Finally, I am ecstatic that I am transforming on the outside AND on the inside. I am still me - just a happier, healthier and more confident me.

Thank you so much God for this amazing journey and for protecting me along the way. Please bless all who are on a similar journey and bless all who will be eventually. Guide our paths.