Post-Op Day 326: I didn't fall off the face of the earth! ;-)

Hello there...Gosh I've been so bad about updating. Sorry about that! I get behind, and then I get overwhelmed thinking about having to catch up on all I've gotten behind on. Make sense?

Anyway, life is going really good. I hit my lowest weight so far (185) two days ago, then it bounced up yesterday and now I am now at 186 today. It can be so crazy sometimes. I cannot believe, though, that I finally made it to the -139 mark! OMG!!

My goal is to be at -150 by my 1-year anniversary of Dec. 29, but I just cannot see me losing 11 pounds between now and then - especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas (and tons of parties) in between! Even if I don't hit that mark, I am totally ok with where I do wind up on my anniversary date. To lose 139 pounds in this amount of time is more than I could have possibly dreamed, so I am thrilled beyond words!

Sooooo...what's been going on, you say? Gosh...lots! Let me try to fill in the blanks.

Back Home Again in Indiana



My trip home was ABSOLUTELY wonderful!

First - the report on my flight. As I had written before, I was having anxiety about the plane seat and seat belt. Before I was stuffed like a sausage into those seats and the belt would b-a-r-e-l-y fit. I remember how uncomfortable I was squished in with that belt tightly wrapped around me. It was always a frustrating and uncomfortable experience.

Well this time, I sat down COMFORTABLY. The arm rests were at a good angle (before they were too low because the cushion of fat on my behind had me sitting too high). When I went to put the belt on, it fit just fine with about six inches of excess belt left. YAY!

Something I had forgotten is that the trays would never come down right for me - my belly was too big so the tray would plop down on it and wouldn't be usable because it would be slanted. :-( I HATED THAT!

This time, the tray came down with room to spare between it and my belly. Hallelujah! I used the tray to eat my little snack and to do my word puzzles. When I didn't need my tray, I left it up and I sat there with my legs crossed. I felt like a normal person for the FIRST TIME while flying!

Another thing is that I didn't have a bunch of snacks with me. Before, the flight snack never would fill me up, so I always made sure that I had snacks to eat while waiting and while on the flight. I would get antsy at the thought of not having food with me in case I was hungry - which I think I was ALWAYS hungry.

This time, I had bottled water and that's it. When the snack came, I ate it and felt satisfied. I didn't sit and obsess about food. Simply amazing.

When I arrived, it was so awesome to see my parents! I didn't think I had changed much since seeing them back in July (about 35 pounds ago). However, they both thought I looked "skinny" - my Dad was especially surprised by how much my face had slimmed down.

We went to go see my Granny while I was there. Even though she knew I had the surgery, seeing me really freaked her out. She just couldn't get over how much I had changed. She was so proud of me and happy for me. It was so great to see her. I love her so much and I hate I don't get to see her anymore.


On that Friday, I went out with my best friend from high school. Heather and I hadn't seen each other in 15 or so years. It was wild seeing her! She looked awesome. It's kinda weird to think that, at that point, I was less than 10 pounds heavier than what I weighed in high school. Yet, I thought I was absolutely gigantic then. I didn't know gigantic and it's taken me almost 140 pounds to get back to this size. Amazing.


We had fun, though I can tell I am much more wilder than her. She has two kids and is an adult. haha I am childless and forever a party girl. It was still awesome to get out and check out Louisville's nightlife - which I am shocked they even have one. Louisville is actually a fun place now. Figures - I leave and it gets cool. :-) Growing up 5 minutes away from Louisville as I lived in Southern Indiana, I never appreciated the area. Now I do.

The night before I left, my parents had my extended family over. None of them knew beforehand that I had the surgery. Talked about freaked out. haha! The last time they saw me, I was about 290 or 300 pounds. It was definitely the topic of the night. haha It was great seeing them and I appreciated all of their words of support. I could tell they were very happy for me. It's weird to think weight even matters, but it does. When you lose a big chunk, it does impact your family.

(Me in my old bedroom)

I have to say that while I was gone, I sure missed Scott and Katie terribly. I find when I am in Indiana, I miss Texas. When I am in Texas, I miss Indiana. My heart is completely tugged constantly.

It was soooooooo awesome to see Scott when I arrived home. He had the house all cleaned up and had funny notes everywhere. He was so happy to see me. I felt like all was right with the world at that time. :-)

Stress management

It was a hectic week trying to get caught back up after being gone. As I've written in the past, I've been very stressed lately at work. When I was away, I realized that I need to learn how to delegate better. I've been carrying a huge load that I could spread out amongst several people who could actually focus on the stuff and do it better than an overwhelmed me could do.

So, I delegated. :-) It significantly helped reduce my stress. Thank Goodness. I guess I just try so hard to be a good boss - one that doesn't take her team for granted. I also like being a productive member of the team. But I realized that I wasn't doing them or me any good by doing the work of two-and-a-half people. I wasn't able to give them much time or guidance because I was drowning.

Now that I've redistributed the work load, we're all happier. In fact, I went to lunch with some of them for the first time in forever it seemed. They said they've missed me visiting their offices and being open for them to come into mine. They said they don't like when I am stuck in my office and inaccessible all day long. So, I need to remember that I am there to lead and what they need from a leader is someone who takes time to see and hear them.

On the panic attacks - Luckily, they have gotten better too. I had a few of them in Indiana, but this week was better. I haven't had to take my Xanax for a week now. I really hate that I had to take it, but it really helped take that edge off.

I know that I have to better manage my stress now that I can't overeat like I use to. I am sure it will cut down on the anxiety attacks and other negative behaviors. After delegating, I did notice my grazing habits calmed down and I actually lost a few more pounds. My food choices still aren't the best, but at least I've cut down on the snacking. Baby steps, Melissa, baby steps.

Guess who is going to be in a magazine?

That's right...me! This week I was interviewed for the local magazine Total Body. Yeah I know - I never dreamed that I would be in any fitness magazine - especially one called Total Body. haha

Being a former newspaper reporter and editor, it was wild for me to be on the interviewee end of things. However, the reporter was great and she asked some very thought-provoking questions. We talked a long time. I hope I didn't bore her. I just am so jazzed about this surgery and the benefits and changes it provides.

I am suppose to be photographed for it tomorrow. Eeek! I sure hope I have a good hair day!!


Compliments galore...

It's funny how I will go several weeks and nobody will say much about my loss. Sure, I will get a random "wow!" but it will be pretty quiet in the compliment area. Then, out of the blue, I will have a week where they come in abundance. This was one of those great weeks. :-)

For instance, when I walked into the bar for our weekly happy hour on Thursday, our friend Chris said, "You've lost more weight! I could tell the moment you walked in the door!" Gosh that's so nice to hear.

The next day I stopped by to see my friends in the graphics building. It was like I was a star walking through there. Everyone was just going on and on about my weight loss and how good they thought I looked. One of my employees was standing there when I got swarmed by a group of women who work in the building. Debbie just looked kinda stunned. I said, "See Debbie - in our building, I'm old news. Here's I am new news!" haha

Later that day, I was walking back from the cafeteria with Joanne and Kendra when I noticed someone standing there staring at me. It was my friend Milt who hadn't seen me in a year probably. I had written him and email several weeks ago telling him that he needed to see me - I had changed. He asked if I was no longer a blonde. I told him I will always be a blonde, but I am down 135 or so pounds.

When he saw me on Friday, he was shocked. He goes, "Where'd you go?!" I said, "I am right here." He said, "Yeah but where'd you go!" and he hugged me.

I told him that's why I wanted him to see me. He said, "You look good Melissa. No! You look GREAT!"

I thanked him and we parted ways. He then stopped and turned around and told me, "But you know what - you ALWAYS looked great Melissa."

That really touched me and it was what I needed to hear.

While I seem to be enjoying it all, it's still hard for me to take the compliments now. As much as I love them and generally love the spotlight, it seems like it is getting harder and harder for me to not get almost shy when I get them. I don't really understand why because I have always been an attention whore.

I think it's partly because I am still so unsure of myself now and how I am looking. Like I told some folks yesterday, I felt more sexier and attractive at 290 pounds than I do now. I am the opposite of most who undergo this change. I guess because I knew myself so well then and I had been that way for so long.

I had gotten to the point where I knew size doesn't dictate sex appeal. I reveled in the fact that I was plus-size AND I was hot. I embraced the sexiness that dwelled within me and I spent a long time proving to myself and others that my full-figured self was just as hot as any normal-sized person. I enjoyed being the BBW who led the charge that fat is where it's at. :-)

Since the surgery, everything has changed, and continues to change, so fast that I think it's thrown me for a loop. Now that I am considered fairly "normal" sized, perhaps I feel like I have lost my niche - you know, the uniqueness of me being big AND sexy. I just don't know how to be "normal" and sexy. And even when I type 'normal' I feel weird, like I am a fraud. But, by all accounts of what people tell, I look fairly normal sized - though it's hard for me to see.

So I am caught in this weird twilight zone where I don't know how to be sexy and normal sized nor do I know how to accept that I am normal sized without feeling like a big fraud inside. So it's all a jumbled mess in my brain. All I know is that I miss the confidence that I once had. I miss the Kitty I once was.

Every time I get a compliment though, I am so grateful and I try to build on each one in my mind. It is my hope that the compliments will help me fully embrace the new me soon. They do help because they affirm me and help me gauge where I am at that point. I am also lucky because Scott constantly tells me how beautiful and sexy he thinks I am. He's always loved me as-is, even at my highest weight. If it weren't for him and his endless support, I really would be a mixed-up basket case!

The truth is - I am the only one who can change my feelings and attitude. Scott can't do it for me and neither can anyone else. I really do want to develop the same sense of confidence and sensuality in this new look that I had for so many years with my old look. Being shy is definitely not me. Sure, most would say that I still seem outgoing and like the old me. But I'm not inside. The confidence and spark are not there. When I withdraw, like I have been in some ways, I feel cut off.

I need to let my light shine again. I know I can do that if I live by my own advice to others and remember that "Attitude is everything" and "Sexy comes in all sizes" - even in smaller packages.


A WOW moment

I had a great WOW moment this week: I actually wore size 14 Gap pants!! What else makes this a wow moment is that they were the pants of one of my employees. Granted, they are her fat pants. But like Toni said, Kendra has never been fat to us, so to wear anything of hers is a major victory! Kendra actually has an awesome body.

As I told Toni, the Gap has always been the epitome of stores I never dreamed I could shop in. Even in high school, I couldn't wear Gap clothes. In fact, during that time I worked at Lane Bryant and next door to us was the Gap. I always hated walking by that store on my way into work. At night, when were closing, I hated seeing the Gap girls walk by our store as they left for the night. I would always want to be someone who worked in a trendy store and who could fit into their clothes.

Now I can. :-)

To see a Gap label in my pants is so awesome. I know it seems very insignificant, but it represents a great deal to me and how far I have come. yay!!

***

I have one more thing to talk about - the Obesity Help Houston Conference. Instead of tacking it on here, I will give it a separate entry.

I am so glad I got this caught up. I always feel better when I am current on my journal and website. It helps me keep my focus too. It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day activities of life and lose your focus on this journey. I want to continue my success, so I know I need to continue to stay plugged in.

If you need to get plugged in or just want someone who understands to talk to, feel free to write me. I would love to hear from you.

Thank You God for all your blessings. I never want to take them for granted.

xoxox
Melissa