Post-Op Day 311: A MAJOR MILESTONE!!!

In this journey, losing any amount of weight is exciting. To see the scale change for the better gives you hope. I've made it a point to appreciate each and every pound lost in this journey toward better health.

Still...there are some milestones that mean the world to you.

Today I hit one! This morning I weighed 191 lbs. Seems like a rather anonymous number to most I'm sure. But for me, at my height of 5'7", the weight of 191 means that I am no longer considered OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I cannot believe it!!!! I have lived with that title for so long, that it's become a part of my self-identifying label. And that's just so sad.

My BMI is now 29.9. Just 10 months and 7 days ago, it was 50.7!! Without this surgery, I would have never achieved this I don't think. If I did, it would have taken several years - which would have prolonged the damage the excess weight was surely doing to my body.

Past and present...

When I put in my height and starting weight in this BMI calculator http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/information/bmicalc.php, this is what it says:

You have a BMI of 50.7.This puts you in the Super Morbid Obesity category.Your BMI is extremely high and is enough to qualify you for bariatric surgery.

Just seeing that BMI and message again brings back all the old feelings of hopelessness and despair I had about my weight. I remember feeling so down about it. Yet, in some weird way, I had just come to accept that was my weight range and I couldn't truly see me having a better future. I felt stuck.

I had read so many times how obese I was and how urgent it was to minimize that BMI to get me out of the morbid category, that I became desensitized to the whole situation. I was in denial about how truly overweight I was. Self-preservation is an amazing thing that can be wonderful or disastrous, you know?

Now when I put my current weight in, it gives me this message:

You have a BMI of 29.9.This shows that you are moderately overweight.Your BMI is not high enough to qualify you for bariatric surgery.

Also, in the introduction, it says:
The medical community uses a term called Body Mass Index or BMI to determine how overweight a person is. Typical BMI may be from 25 to 30. Individuals with a BMI over 40 may qualify for bariatric surgery.

It's so weird to think that I, Melissa, have a typical BMI! Granted, I want to get into the normal range, but to know I am fairly average is so awesome! To go from the SUPER MORBID OBESITY category to the kinder, gentler sounding category of MODERATELY OVERWEIGHT is, well, nothing short of a miracle to me.

It's weird but I don't feel like that's my current weight. I kinda feel like a fraud by plugging in 191! When I was pre-op and new post-op, I would sit and dream about the future. I would plug in numbers to see what it would look like to have better readings.

I would plug in 299 just to see a '2' instead of the '3' in 324. I would plug in 274, 250, 224 (I remember how small that number looked), 215, 205, 199, 191 and so on. I still do it to this day for 174 (that's my -150) and 159 (my goal weight).

So when I put in 191 and see that I am no longer obese, it almost feels like it's not real. I've dreamed for so long that I cannot fathom it's a reality now. WOWOOWOW! I am just so excited over it!

Seeing yourself...
You know, it's so hard to envision what you're truly looking like when you really don't have a concept of how much you've changed physically. I mean you know you are smaller, but you just cannot comprehend the amazing change you've gone through in such a short amount of time.

Other people saw you all the way around your body and have many ways to gauge your size. They saw how much space you really took up, how wide you are and how big you were compared to them and others.

It's hard to see yourself from your own viewpoint in comparison to others. For us, our view is from the inside. Mirrors can't give you an accurate description. I mean, I knew I was much bigger than most people. I did see and sense that. But, you still can't truly conceive of it totally. Or at least I couldn't.

I think that's why it is so shocking when you see yourself in photos with others when you're morbidly obese. You know you're big, but you just can't fathom yourself being THAT MUCH bigger than others in proportion. I guess some people envision themselves bigger than they really are, so it isn't shocking. But for me, it was. In my mind, I didn't feel that big and I didn't act that big, if that makes sense. I didn't feel that different from others. I always felt part of the crowd.

As you start losing the weight and fitting into spaces better, you start to comprehend just how much different you were than "normal" people. Some people who have this surgery had been thin or average before - so they knew quite well just how much had changed.

For me, I had never been thin or average. I've always been big and it just kept building. So, in that span of time where I gradually gained the weight to become 324 pounds, I had forgotten how I fit into things when I was, say, 260 or 220 and definitely at 191. At 324, I couldn't remember what it felt like to fit better in seats and booths. I knew I use to fit better, but I just couldn't recall what it was like. It seemed like it had always been that way.

So, by losing weight this rapidly, the changes in the way I fit have been very noticeable. For instance, just the way I fit in this computer chair. I've always "fit" in it, but I was squeezed in. It was tight around my thighs and I sat up higher in it because of the extra fat on my behind. Now, I have room to spare on the sides and I sit lower. I almost feel little in it.

Anyway back to my original thought...yes, I realize I am shrinking, but it is still hard to see the drastic difference that others see because they remember what you looked like in 3-D. They remember the amount of space you took up. They remember how their body size compared to yours. They remember how you had more fat rolls, a double chin or whatever. So, when they see you after a significant amount of weight is gone, to them it's an amazing transformation - especially if they haven't see you in a while. All the while, I find myself thinking, "I'm not THAT different."

Last night we had a work BBQ. I saw a lady I see on a weekly basis. She generally pops into my office when I am sitting at my desk. Last night, she saw me walking up to the event. She was like, "Hi Skinny! Wow - you've lost a lot more weight, haven't you?" Even though she sees me regularly, it wasn't until she saw me standing next to her that she had a better frame of reference.

Another guy (who at around my 50-pound loss thought I had lost a lot and told me not to get too thin) sat down next to me and said, "I haven't seen you in a while so I have to tell you that you look amazing - simply amazing." That was so sweet.

Every day I get compliments from a variety of people. I am so glad I started off this journey with spirit of openness about my surgery. It's opened the door for such good dialogue. People feel comfortable in sharing with me their own weight struggles (some I would have never known). They also feel comfortable telling me they're proud of me or that they think I am looking good or that I give them hope.

In this journey where your mind obviously gets so skewed because it cannot comprehend the true changes you've made, it's been awesome to have so many open and honest and uplifting comments to keep pushing me forward.

Removing the label
Ok I will stop rambling now. :-) I am just so excited. To no longer have that label of "obese" slapped across my forehead in my mind's eye is more liberating than I realized it would be.

It gives me a challenge to now truly embrace the new me. I no longer have the excuse of "yeah I know I've lost a lot of weight, but I am still considered obese." It's been time to let that negative self-imagine go for a while now. Now I no longer have the crutch of the 'obese' label to keep me from doing some emotional growth.

Gosh...it's hard to see yourself in a new light. You just keep wanting to go back to it or dismiss it - saying that I am not THAT far from being obese, so it really doesn't count. There has to come a time when I start viewing myself differently and to change my mindset about my size. I need to let go of what was comfortable - painful, but comfortable.

I have to stop beating myself up about my weight and size and starting loving myself for who I am inside. I had this surgery to transform myself for the better. Well, the surgery has changed me physically. Now it's time to turn some focus on my mind and my thoughts. It's time to really embrace the changes that have happened and are continuing to happen.

I will leave with this quote:

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom."

Thank You God for all this. I am ready to blossom.